Wow, I have so much going for me yet I feel so helpless in the moment, it all hurts, the pain is very unbearable, I want to cry so bad, no one gets it, not even me, why cant it be August already so I can be in school and I could have the job I want and I could keep focused, why does it have to only be May, I think of Michelle even more now, Its not like I want her like I want Donald, but I want her to heal me, I want her to stop me form thinking and wanting her and other counselors, I want her to ease my pain, I want her to call and help me find someone if she can't do it, its not fair, im sad, annoyed and im done, this all hurts and I KNOW she is busy but I need someone now, I have my godparents but there is just so much they can do. I dont know what im doing, im driving myself crazy being here and feeling like im never gonna be ok until August, I know its not far but to me it feels like ages! I just want time to speed up. You would think I should enjoy each moment but how can I when things are in havoc I just want things to be ok again!
Reply
I love how I CAN write and no one can see this, it hurts too much, so so much is going on and just in case someone does see this, I wont put it in here, but the pain does not go away, i want her to call me, im struggling so so much and i just need a counselors help. It all hurts and I don't know what to do. I have amazing godparents and godsisters to help but there is just so much they can do. I need Michelle. Wish I could talk to her now. But she is very busy. Amazing singer and has a great life, wish I could be like her, be ok. Well thats it for now. :)
Reply
Too much going on., too many things running through my mind, its like one thing after the other, its non-stop and Im just rolling with it all, I hope things work out I wrote an intense poem today here it is, Please
You don’t know what you did to me
You stole my innocence
You stole my life
You don’t understand the fear I feel
I don’t want to be touched
I get scared when I’m embraced
I let people take advantage because I don’t feel good enough
I fear being hurt again
I have no memory of it
I can’t prove a thing
Yet I have nightmares
And thoughts every second
I latch on to people
I Can’t have
I wish I was with them always
They seem to be the only people who I feel safe around
Maybe because I know they have boundaries
I try to break them because I know it won’t happen
But maybe its good it won’t happen
How can I go on in life
When I feel your breath on me
When I hear myself screaming
When I cry for dear mercy
When I tell myself Its all my fault
When I say it must be me
When I say I did something to spark your anger
Which sparked your attraction
How come I have no memory
But the feelings just won’t go away
How come I can’t just get over it
How come I let someone at the club
Come to me and dance with me and I let him try to rape me
I wanted it,
I did it because it was done before
He took me in corner to dance
I already had drinks in me
He must have known that
Because he tried three times
Each time I said ”no”
Each time I took it out of my underwear before it went it
Each time I was scared but stood frozen
Until the third,
I almost let you go in even when I said “no”
But I ran away crying instead
Ruining my friends time
Them telling me to calm down
Nothing happened
Yes nothing may have happened with him
But the images and thoughts wont get out of my mind
I feel it had happened before
But with no memeory leaves me drowning
Leaves me scared
Questioning my sexual orientation
Because all I want is love from
Female Adult Figures 25-40
Just want them to hold me
To love me
Tell me that it will be ok
That im worthy
And not dirty
Extreme OCD
I must shower twice daily
For long periods of time
I never feel clean
I hurt all the time
I fear it happening again
I don’t even know if it did
But I feel worthless
I feel horrible
For saying it did when I don’t have a memory of it
I let that other guy take advantage because I am easy
I hate it all
I hate me
Im scared of being left
Scared of being hurt
Was it you?
Are you hurting him to?
Did you hurt me?
If you did I need to know
8 years old
Bathtub games was it more?
Was it you?
Was it someone else?
Or did it happen at all?
Im really scared
Scared of driving
Scared of being in cars
Scared of love
Scared of rejection
Scared of never being ok again
Scared of failure
Is it all in my head?
Am I to blame?
What is wrong?
Why won’t it stop?
Please help
Because I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!
I can’t keep having papiltations
I can’t keep losing my breath
I can’t keep crying
I can’t keep throwing things away because im too sad
I can’t keep pushing people away because I don’t feel worthy
I can’t keep doing this to myself?
What is wrong?
Please Please
I’m begging you
Please help!
This really hurts and Im just struggling and then my brother and the changes im worrying about him, and then my stuff, I hope it is all ok and things work out. I hope I can talk to someone and be ok again! Thanks for listening!
Reply
Well, things are not going so great in my mind right now and no one seems to understand, no one knows how hard it is, no one knows what goes on in my brain daily, its so unfair, I truly wish I had someone to talk to who could understand, a counselor who could tell me it would all be ok. My godmother seems more distant from me now that she had talked to my old counselor and I don't like it at all. I need the support, the love and I just want to feel something good. All I feel is sadness, I don't get it, I should be happy, getting 6 transfer credits, got the job of my life in Binghamton and got into the school for student affairs. Im just hoping things get smoother for me and I can find happiness, without wanting it from people I cant have. I will admit wholeheartedly that I was utterly obsessed and loved Michelle Cleary, she was everything and more to me and I know I should not and I know its unhealthy how attached I was to her. But it is her who I wanted to tell me im beautiful, strong, talented and who I waned to help me through tough times. Its her who I want to perform with, share my successes with and have her hold me and tell me its ok. I know this is not possible and I have many people who would do that, Mikey, Donald two of whom I Adore and have great connections with in different ways, Donald, definitely sexual, physical and some emotional and Mikey more emotional, but my point is if I have all that then why the hell am I looking to have it from Michelle and past counselors who should not mean anything to me. They can't be in my life forever and I feel its so unfair, that can't happen because I would do anything to have Michelle at my Master's graduation because I want to make her proud. I love her and I hate that I do. What is wrong with me? I just want to be normal or at least be able to accept the love I do have. Help!
Reply
I love how I can write this and no one will probably read it. It lets me let out all my frustrations and feelings and no judgement. It is really frustrating to be judged everyday. People tell you no there not judging you but they really are, every minute of everyday whether they tell you or not. The reason is because I just know. For example, I know that my old counselor is furious with me and thinks im utterly crazy, i say that because im so attached to her. Its like she is my life and I wish I was with her everyday and I wish I was performing with her and I wish I was her. In a way I wish she was my older sister, i always wanted one. The thing is I know that can't happen and I know that I never will sing with her no matter how much I want to. I wish she would be a mentor to me. I always wanted one. I was always constantly let down and always rejected and and somewhat still feel rejected. The thing keeping me going now would be the fact I got into the Student Affairs Program at Binghamton University and I will be working as an assistant resident coordinator one of my passions along with school and teaching college students. I think this is what is keeping me going but like a young child waiting to open Christmas presents the anticipation is killing me. I want it to be now. I want to feel self-love, I want my life to be enough, I want to share my voice and music with the world. I want to feel good enough. I want to be told I can sing and that my voice touches peoples hearts. I want to be heard. I want to be known. I want to make a difference. Now the difference starts internally but how? That is the question I need help answering, how do I just change a huge cycle of thinking and feeling? I know it does not happen overnight but if I keep harping on my counselor and being her and wanting her I will never be able to work on myself and that is what I truly need. I hope I can find the how soon. Thanks for reading.
Reply
I am glad I found this because I know this a major important part of my life right now. I am also in the middle of writing a book entitled Remarkable Openness about a girl who is me who struggles with co-morbid mental disorders, Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Depression, Anxiety and Bulimia Nervosa. I currently only did the introduction where I defined the words and wrote a background about the book and where its starts.
Overall it is not an easy life to live with all these things but I can't and I won't let it define me. It has in the past and currently still is in certain ways but I'm working on it. In the book I will go into more depth about my past and how I overcame certain things and how I hope to continue to overcome them. But for now I will discuss certain things that go through my mind on a daily basis.
Well what goes through my mind depends on what I have to do what I actually do and what is going on around me. Well take a few years ago when I was in high school, I was going through a lot, had a lot of pressure because I had to watch my brother with Asperger's who would not listen to me and would create messes and laugh about it. I was never appreciated for it and was verbally abused daily. This was where my depression got worse and where I felt worthless, then take when I moved out and went to college, I had moments where I was sad but I invested my time into school, shadowing resident assistants eventually becoming one myself and dedicating my time to healing. Though I had perfectionism tendencies and my eating disorder got worse; I had a counselor who helped me through and I was able to help others who were struggling similarly to how I was. Then lets take now, I took steps backward ever since I graduated. I don't know what triggered it but I developed two disorders in the past year and half, BPD and OCD. I never thought that was possible or that it would happen to me. The OCD started the semester before I was going to graduate and still continues to this day. It is very strong and can cause intense self-loathing and pain. It causes me to not feel good about myself and in the past caused suicidal thoughts. Although I would never do anything, it did come across my mind many times. I talked about this to many and got that I was crazy, I am psychotic, I need to be put away and then finally I got the OCD diagnosis. When I did I developed strong attachments again to the counselors I saw so I could feel validated and loved. Currently I don't see anyone because I am on a long vacation but I miss my recent counselor immensely. Its so hard to go through a day and just think about her. I wonder what she is doing, if she is okay, and wishing she was my older sister, wishing I could perform and sing with her as she is famous, wish she could be in my life forever, someone I could have by my side at times of need, someone to hold me and tell me things will be fine, but I know that is unhealthy and unreal so I need to move on. I need to find myself and I need to find internal love. This will be a long process and definitely take time but I'm willing to do the work. I was advised by one of my previous counselors to see a male counselor and do Dialectical Behavior Therapy. If that is what it takes, that is what I will do. It all starts when I go to my new school for student affairs and when I work as an assistant resident coordinator. My time will be spent doing this and seeing a nutritionist and counselor and I will gain my life back and beat all these mental illnesses and then help others do so through my story. I will prevail. Well that is it till next time. Hope you enjoyed reading this.
Reply
Stephanie Vitale / Blog
Crying
Wow, I have so much going for me yet I feel so helpless in the moment, it all hurts, the pain is very unbearable, I want to cry so bad, no one gets it, not even me, why cant it be August already so I can be in school and I could have the job I want and I could keep focused, why does it have to only be May, I think of Michelle even more now, Its not like I want her like I want Donald, but I want her to heal me, I want her to stop me form thinking and wanting her and other counselors, I want her to ease my pain, I want her to call and help me find someone if she can't do it, its not fair, im sad, annoyed and im done, this all hurts and I KNOW she is busy but I need someone now, I have my godparents but there is just so much they can do. I dont know what im doing, im driving myself crazy being here and feeling like im never gonna be ok until August, I know its not far but to me it feels like ages! I just want time to speed up. You would think I should enjoy each moment but how can I when things are in havoc I just want things to be ok again!
Reply
The pain inside
I love how I CAN write and no one can see this, it hurts too much, so so much is going on and just in case someone does see this, I wont put it in here, but the pain does not go away, i want her to call me, im struggling so so much and i just need a counselors help. It all hurts and I don't know what to do. I have amazing godparents and godsisters to help but there is just so much they can do. I need Michelle. Wish I could talk to her now. But she is very busy. Amazing singer and has a great life, wish I could be like her, be ok. Well thats it for now. :)
Reply
Worry
Too much going on., too many things running through my mind, its like one thing after the other, its non-stop and Im just rolling with it all, I hope things work out I wrote an intense poem today here it is, Please You don’t know what you did to me You stole my innocence You stole my life You don’t understand the fear I feel I don’t want to be touched I get scared when I’m embraced I let people take advantage because I don’t feel good enough I fear being hurt again I have no memory of it I can’t prove a thing Yet I have nightmares And thoughts every second I latch on to people I Can’t have I wish I was with them always They seem to be the only people who I feel safe around Maybe because I know they have boundaries I try to break them because I know it won’t happen But maybe its good it won’t happen How can I go on in life When I feel your breath on me When I hear myself screaming When I cry for dear mercy When I tell myself Its all my fault When I say it must be me When I say I did something to spark your anger Which sparked your attraction How come I have no memory But the feelings just won’t go away How come I can’t just get over it How come I let someone at the club Come to me and dance with me and I let him try to rape me I wanted it, I did it because it was done before He took me in corner to dance I already had drinks in me He must have known that Because he tried three times Each time I said ”no” Each time I took it out of my underwear before it went it Each time I was scared but stood frozen Until the third, I almost let you go in even when I said “no” But I ran away crying instead Ruining my friends time Them telling me to calm down Nothing happened Yes nothing may have happened with him But the images and thoughts wont get out of my mind I feel it had happened before But with no memeory leaves me drowning Leaves me scared Questioning my sexual orientation Because all I want is love from Female Adult Figures 25-40 Just want them to hold me To love me Tell me that it will be ok That im worthy And not dirty Extreme OCD I must shower twice daily For long periods of time I never feel clean I hurt all the time I fear it happening again I don’t even know if it did But I feel worthless I feel horrible For saying it did when I don’t have a memory of it I let that other guy take advantage because I am easy I hate it all I hate me Im scared of being left Scared of being hurt Was it you? Are you hurting him to? Did you hurt me? If you did I need to know 8 years old Bathtub games was it more? Was it you? Was it someone else? Or did it happen at all? Im really scared Scared of driving Scared of being in cars Scared of love Scared of rejection Scared of never being ok again Scared of failure Is it all in my head? Am I to blame? What is wrong? Why won’t it stop? Please help Because I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE! I can’t keep having papiltations I can’t keep losing my breath I can’t keep crying I can’t keep throwing things away because im too sad I can’t keep pushing people away because I don’t feel worthy I can’t keep doing this to myself? What is wrong? Please Please I’m begging you Please help! This really hurts and Im just struggling and then my brother and the changes im worrying about him, and then my stuff, I hope it is all ok and things work out. I hope I can talk to someone and be ok again! Thanks for listening!
Reply
Cause I feel like it
Well, things are not going so great in my mind right now and no one seems to understand, no one knows how hard it is, no one knows what goes on in my brain daily, its so unfair, I truly wish I had someone to talk to who could understand, a counselor who could tell me it would all be ok. My godmother seems more distant from me now that she had talked to my old counselor and I don't like it at all. I need the support, the love and I just want to feel something good. All I feel is sadness, I don't get it, I should be happy, getting 6 transfer credits, got the job of my life in Binghamton and got into the school for student affairs. Im just hoping things get smoother for me and I can find happiness, without wanting it from people I cant have. I will admit wholeheartedly that I was utterly obsessed and loved Michelle Cleary, she was everything and more to me and I know I should not and I know its unhealthy how attached I was to her. But it is her who I wanted to tell me im beautiful, strong, talented and who I waned to help me through tough times. Its her who I want to perform with, share my successes with and have her hold me and tell me its ok. I know this is not possible and I have many people who would do that, Mikey, Donald two of whom I Adore and have great connections with in different ways, Donald, definitely sexual, physical and some emotional and Mikey more emotional, but my point is if I have all that then why the hell am I looking to have it from Michelle and past counselors who should not mean anything to me. They can't be in my life forever and I feel its so unfair, that can't happen because I would do anything to have Michelle at my Master's graduation because I want to make her proud. I love her and I hate that I do. What is wrong with me? I just want to be normal or at least be able to accept the love I do have. Help!
Reply
How
I love how I can write this and no one will probably read it. It lets me let out all my frustrations and feelings and no judgement. It is really frustrating to be judged everyday. People tell you no there not judging you but they really are, every minute of everyday whether they tell you or not. The reason is because I just know. For example, I know that my old counselor is furious with me and thinks im utterly crazy, i say that because im so attached to her. Its like she is my life and I wish I was with her everyday and I wish I was performing with her and I wish I was her. In a way I wish she was my older sister, i always wanted one. The thing is I know that can't happen and I know that I never will sing with her no matter how much I want to. I wish she would be a mentor to me. I always wanted one. I was always constantly let down and always rejected and and somewhat still feel rejected. The thing keeping me going now would be the fact I got into the Student Affairs Program at Binghamton University and I will be working as an assistant resident coordinator one of my passions along with school and teaching college students. I think this is what is keeping me going but like a young child waiting to open Christmas presents the anticipation is killing me. I want it to be now. I want to feel self-love, I want my life to be enough, I want to share my voice and music with the world. I want to feel good enough. I want to be told I can sing and that my voice touches peoples hearts. I want to be heard. I want to be known. I want to make a difference. Now the difference starts internally but how? That is the question I need help answering, how do I just change a huge cycle of thinking and feeling? I know it does not happen overnight but if I keep harping on my counselor and being her and wanting her I will never be able to work on myself and that is what I truly need. I hope I can find the how soon. Thanks for reading.
Reply
Waiting for something new
I am glad I found this because I know this a major important part of my life right now. I am also in the middle of writing a book entitled Remarkable Openness about a girl who is me who struggles with co-morbid mental disorders, Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Depression, Anxiety and Bulimia Nervosa. I currently only did the introduction where I defined the words and wrote a background about the book and where its starts. Overall it is not an easy life to live with all these things but I can't and I won't let it define me. It has in the past and currently still is in certain ways but I'm working on it. In the book I will go into more depth about my past and how I overcame certain things and how I hope to continue to overcome them. But for now I will discuss certain things that go through my mind on a daily basis. Well what goes through my mind depends on what I have to do what I actually do and what is going on around me. Well take a few years ago when I was in high school, I was going through a lot, had a lot of pressure because I had to watch my brother with Asperger's who would not listen to me and would create messes and laugh about it. I was never appreciated for it and was verbally abused daily. This was where my depression got worse and where I felt worthless, then take when I moved out and went to college, I had moments where I was sad but I invested my time into school, shadowing resident assistants eventually becoming one myself and dedicating my time to healing. Though I had perfectionism tendencies and my eating disorder got worse; I had a counselor who helped me through and I was able to help others who were struggling similarly to how I was. Then lets take now, I took steps backward ever since I graduated. I don't know what triggered it but I developed two disorders in the past year and half, BPD and OCD. I never thought that was possible or that it would happen to me. The OCD started the semester before I was going to graduate and still continues to this day. It is very strong and can cause intense self-loathing and pain. It causes me to not feel good about myself and in the past caused suicidal thoughts. Although I would never do anything, it did come across my mind many times. I talked about this to many and got that I was crazy, I am psychotic, I need to be put away and then finally I got the OCD diagnosis. When I did I developed strong attachments again to the counselors I saw so I could feel validated and loved. Currently I don't see anyone because I am on a long vacation but I miss my recent counselor immensely. Its so hard to go through a day and just think about her. I wonder what she is doing, if she is okay, and wishing she was my older sister, wishing I could perform and sing with her as she is famous, wish she could be in my life forever, someone I could have by my side at times of need, someone to hold me and tell me things will be fine, but I know that is unhealthy and unreal so I need to move on. I need to find myself and I need to find internal love. This will be a long process and definitely take time but I'm willing to do the work. I was advised by one of my previous counselors to see a male counselor and do Dialectical Behavior Therapy. If that is what it takes, that is what I will do. It all starts when I go to my new school for student affairs and when I work as an assistant resident coordinator. My time will be spent doing this and seeing a nutritionist and counselor and I will gain my life back and beat all these mental illnesses and then help others do so through my story. I will prevail. Well that is it till next time. Hope you enjoyed reading this.
Reply