Thoughts of suicide run thru my mind, and its starting to make more sense then not doing it. I would be able to Get that 5 minute hug at least one more time, I would be able to see that shine in ur left eye,I would hear that beautiful Laugh wich would make me laugh even if i was as miserable as ever, I would be able to say Goodbye......Ive never seen a darkness as ive seen after that day. You see someone u know and can only get out tha words Hello. You see family You Say Hello, You Hug, You Cry, You Sit....Two Little Boys Have to be told theyve been being lied to for months, about tha whereabouts of their Mother, As well as know tell them the truth...You Know Have to send those two boys to school in a couple weeks, and hope they make it thru tha day..You have to hear your grandmother(The strongest person in tha world)Cry out at nite like she is in physical pain, Screaming out her daughters name who she has now outlived. You are told That she is in a better place now,When You thought the best place for her was with her family.You Are told That she doesnt want you to cry for her becuz she wants you to be happy, So You cry, Then feel even worse becuz your crying.....Nothing will ever be tha same again, If it even does happen, you dont know if u will EVER be happy again.Years go bye, it still hits u like a boulder every now n then.You question whatever your faith is everyday, u so bad want to believe in god and heaven so you know that she is happy and still is who she always was, But tha thought crossed ur head what if thats not tha case what happends then will she not be able to see her kids grow up, her family mature, what tha world is like years from then, or is she just gone.............May to me now is tha beggining of a deppression spell, u want to celebrate tha life she lived you want to laugh about stories of her, You know that she wants u to be happy, but something in you cant use these reminders as that motivation instead it always brings u bacc to the end, the worst our days. Every day after Mothers day i think of what i was doing that day of that year, where were we looking that day, who was with us, what was said, did u go tha whole day without crying......Unfourtanetly she was found rite before her birthday.Wich is in september so when u think ur getting ofver this time period for tha current year another reminder hits you.We do celebrate her birthday we have tha Immediate family come over, let tha kids play, Tell stories about her, laugh, cry, then we let everybody there write a message on a balloon and send it to her in tha sky. Then when everyone goes home and tha house gets quiet, and all u have is ur thoughts...i could go on for another 5 hours with this story, but this was hard enuff for me and i dont want to make it overkill. I guess ill end it with I love you Aunt Wee-Lori Ann Leonard. I am so glad for tha time that i had with you, even tho i wish i could add 100 years to that time,I am just proud to see i had you as a part of my life.I will always Look after your two boys as if they were my own, I will take tha words/advice u gave me and teach to them. And Now that Grandma Barb Is with You even tho it makes it ten times harder to cop with for me and all of us. I love to believe that you guys r together again, talking,laughing, drinkin,smoking. I Know grandma Barb Missed You probably more than anyone else, not only becuz shes ur mother but becuz she was able to make tha most memoires with you.So Happy Mothers Day to All tha GOOD Mothers out there.Love your children with everything u have, not that you dont already do.Love what you Have Cherish What You Had.Dont spend your time wishing you couldve said i love you before they left, you shouldve hugged her one last time, You shouldve treated them better,etc.etc...........................May to me an eternity To you A Month...
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SKrap UP / Blog
May-Month Or Eternity(Final)
Thoughts of suicide run thru my mind, and its starting to make more sense then not doing it. I would be able to Get that 5 minute hug at least one more time, I would be able to see that shine in ur left eye,I would hear that beautiful Laugh wich would make me laugh even if i was as miserable as ever, I would be able to say Goodbye......Ive never seen a darkness as ive seen after that day. You see someone u know and can only get out tha words Hello. You see family You Say Hello, You Hug, You Cry, You Sit....Two Little Boys Have to be told theyve been being lied to for months, about tha whereabouts of their Mother, As well as know tell them the truth...You Know Have to send those two boys to school in a couple weeks, and hope they make it thru tha day..You have to hear your grandmother(The strongest person in tha world)Cry out at nite like she is in physical pain, Screaming out her daughters name who she has now outlived. You are told That she is in a better place now,When You thought the best place for her was with her family.You Are told That she doesnt want you to cry for her becuz she wants you to be happy, So You cry, Then feel even worse becuz your crying.....Nothing will ever be tha same again, If it even does happen, you dont know if u will EVER be happy again.Years go bye, it still hits u like a boulder every now n then.You question whatever your faith is everyday, u so bad want to believe in god and heaven so you know that she is happy and still is who she always was, But tha thought crossed ur head what if thats not tha case what happends then will she not be able to see her kids grow up, her family mature, what tha world is like years from then, or is she just gone.............May to me now is tha beggining of a deppression spell, u want to celebrate tha life she lived you want to laugh about stories of her, You know that she wants u to be happy, but something in you cant use these reminders as that motivation instead it always brings u bacc to the end, the worst our days. Every day after Mothers day i think of what i was doing that day of that year, where were we looking that day, who was with us, what was said, did u go tha whole day without crying......Unfourtanetly she was found rite before her birthday.Wich is in september so when u think ur getting ofver this time period for tha current year another reminder hits you.We do celebrate her birthday we have tha Immediate family come over, let tha kids play, Tell stories about her, laugh, cry, then we let everybody there write a message on a balloon and send it to her in tha sky. Then when everyone goes home and tha house gets quiet, and all u have is ur thoughts...i could go on for another 5 hours with this story, but this was hard enuff for me and i dont want to make it overkill. I guess ill end it with I love you Aunt Wee-Lori Ann Leonard. I am so glad for tha time that i had with you, even tho i wish i could add 100 years to that time,I am just proud to see i had you as a part of my life.I will always Look after your two boys as if they were my own, I will take tha words/advice u gave me and teach to them. And Now that Grandma Barb Is with You even tho it makes it ten times harder to cop with for me and all of us. I love to believe that you guys r together again, talking,laughing, drinkin,smoking. I Know grandma Barb Missed You probably more than anyone else, not only becuz shes ur mother but becuz she was able to make tha most memoires with you.So Happy Mothers Day to All tha GOOD Mothers out there.Love your children with everything u have, not that you dont already do.Love what you Have Cherish What You Had.Dont spend your time wishing you couldve said i love you before they left, you shouldve hugged her one last time, You shouldve treated them better,etc.etc...........................May to me an eternity To you A Month...
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May-Month or Eternity(Part 6)
If i recall Correctly i was upstairs with my cuzin Kyle playing madden or Nba live, and my mother, my Grandmother, Uncle, and a couple other family was downstairs at tha dining room table.I didnt hear a knocc or anyone come in but i then heard two new voices who wasnt down there before. So i got to tha top of tha stairs and I heard four words that Have Replayed in my head since that day as well as had Nightmares about until this day................" The I.D. Was Positive".........................
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May-Month or Eternity(Part 5)
It was always our first thought that Her "Boyfriend" Was tha one who had something to do with her being missing, he lived in Hudson Falls.So we also Would have a select group of people drive tha 3 n a half hour drive up there to hold up signs and all that.(Skipping ahead Slightly). Tha Full days of searching have slowed a little bit, considering there was nothing left for us to really do we had to trust tha police wich is hard enuff for me not to mention tha rest of my family. I now one night my mother got a phone call, from tha Hudson falls or chittnango police i dont remember but tha jist of tha call was, A fisherman was fishing out in hudson falls and came up on a diamond Tool box tha ones for tha bacc of a Trucc, and when thye got it open there looked to be a female stuffed in their. I Have blocced out tha details on how. They did not no if it was Our Aunt/Sister/Daughter/Niece/Mother Lori Ann Leonard Or not but would get ahold of us when they found out.
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May-Month or Eternity(part 4)
Until i realized after a couple weeks these cops have us looking for a dead body.Trying everything to not believe that, we had Psychic's telling us shes in this town, but another one saying shes in that town,one saying shes in tha woods, one saying shes in tha city.We would even go look in places that my grandmother would have dreams about, She would say i had a dream about these woods by whereever, and asap we would be looking there. A shitload of retards calling from bars saying yea i just saw her here, i couldnt even tell you how many false calls were made and we would look. Honestly i dont remember how many months this part of tha hell lasted I do know that it at least lasted that whole summer One thing i found out was who was a real friend and who was not, i had some homies spend just about all their summer off of school or days off of work helping my family find my aunt.You also realize alot about your family in a situation like this, who is willing to give all their time to help find A mother o 2 beautiful/Brilliant boys. Who was willing to give up their social lives and free time.I lost alott of friends in this time,and lost alott of respect for certain people/family. One thoing that i remember so vividly becuz it proved that last point, was when we called hundreds and hundreds of people to line up on bridge street holding up signs of Lori, her boys. Hoping someone would stop with sum useful information. We probably had at least 150 people standing on tha side of a busy bridge street N Tohmpsan Road, For over 4 hours.
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May-Month or Eternity(part 3 read 3rd)
The next day she shows up out of nowhere, i still dont no exactly what she came for if it was to talk about what happend or if she wanted my mother or what. At first we didnt talk besides a couple forced greetings. then finnaly we sat down talked about what happend and all tha shit that was going on around that time. By tha grace of god it ended with litterally a 5 minute hug.......That would be tha last time i ever saw her.A couple days before mothers day My mother needed to get a hold of her for whatever reason, i think becuz that day she was suppose to take a trip to new york city to get Free NY Yankees Ticcets From one of her friends who lived down there,And my mother was prolly just calling to see if she was alright or whatever.No answer....Mind You This woman Was ATTACHED to her phone, there was never a span of 3 minutes when she wasnt texting or talking on her phone. I cant give all tha details of these beggining stages becuz i was not to much involved in tha first 24 hours besides a call from my mother crying that My aunt wasnt answering and she was driving up to NYC today. I took it as in ok, she either just doesnt want to, its dead its broke or whatever.Night time comes about tha time she was scheduled to be home and piccing up her 2 boys. Her phone is completely off.Nothing.(Skipping ahead a little bit)This year we never celebrated Mothers Day Or My Mothers birthday.Instead we spent our days Scouring through woods, canals,feilds, buildings,trails, streets,this town that town this town that town.I dont think anyone was thinking that we would never see her again. We were really just looking for anything that could give us an idea of where she could be.Did she get lost on her way to nyc, did she get in an accident somewhere and hasent been able to call is she being held by someone.
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May-Month or Eternity(Part 2 Read 2nd)
Tha day she moved into her house me and two of my homies, and her scumbagg "Boyfirend" helped her get all tha big shit and just tha rest of her shit into tha house and get her somewhat situated.Everything was ok, i mean moving is always irritating and noone is ever jolly and skippin around during tha process. But i was extra irritated becuz i didnt like her fuccin boyfriend, plus i didnt want her moving out in tha first place. When we were all done, i had asked her to buy me a pacc of ciggarretes and a philly for me before she had to get to work. She said she would but then got her work clothes on and started saying goodbye, im not gonna go thru tha whole arguement but pretty much i got pissed off cuz of whatever reason i thought was a reason to then wich i know now is ridiculus. I procedded to call her all kinds of names she called it waht it was and pretty much said i was acting psycho wich i was. All over a fuccing pacc of Ciggarettes and a fuccing philly. She ended up having Her "Boyfirend" Bring me and my homies home and stop and get tha cigs n philly. I think it was two days later, and we havent talked at all wich was tha longest we went since she started living with us.I did feel bad for tha things that i said to her, but in my stubborn fucced up head i still felt justified.
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May-Month or Eternity(Part 1 Read 1st)
May use to be one of tha better months of the year for me and my family.Of course theres Mothers Day(Wich Is tommorow) Also My Mothers Birthday as well as some other Family Members and friends.So we would always have something going on including all tha family,Time to cath up, relax, and enjoy life.Of course even tho this is syracuse NY, it SOMETIMES meant warm weather was just beggining,and u could finnaly hit tha streets go to BBQ's, just chill outside and again enjoy life, friends family, and tha warming weather.Until about 5 years ago, when May turned from a month of Celebration,Family,and Friends.Became tha beggining of an anniversary. Not Tha anniversary u would probably think off tha bat, An Anniversary, that would cause pain, sorrow, anger, and deppresion. A little more than a week before mothers day my aunt and her two boys moved out of my house and had gotten her own apartment after a little more than a year of living with me. In that year i gained a best friend.My aunt and I were always close and we always loved each other, but we never really spent time together, or learned about each other.She was tha only friend i ever have had family or not that would go out of her way for me,when i needed it.I could go on for hours butwhat i wanna let u know out of this part is that.Every night that we were together, we each had someone to talk to who would listen. I started looking forward to the days when she wouldnt have to work. We would go out till 2 in the morning, just feeding her two dogs who we had to keep somewhere else, drivin, talking, shit my least favorite thing to do is groccery shopping but i wouldnt mind going with her.And shhhh but everyonce in a while maybe say hi to bob marley.........
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YO
aight im sorry for those that read my blog i been off my blog game fo a minute been working on tha music got 5 mixtapes that r gonna drop within months plus i jus linked up with Got That Music LLC Records so we are workin on tha first official album for ya boy S.K.Rap U.P. hopefully tommorow when im done in tha studio i can give yall some time and my mind but until then i jus did a tracc Muscle Them To Tha ricc ross husslin beat DONT WORRY I AM NOT SELLING THA SONG I DONT OWN ANYTHING BESIDES MY LYRICS!! IT IS PROMOTIONAL USE ONLY... But u no shits effen hot checc it out on reverb nation or myspace gyeeaa till tommorow hopefully have a good day nite whatever time it is where ur at payyycee!!
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O Boy
Wassup Fellas n bellas!?!?!?!? Syracuse beat gonzaga today,so tha days starting off good.Hangin wit my kids all day doin tha park thing an all that.Break from music this weekend besides some editing for radio and a litlle promotion.Bacc at writing and recording tuesday.Workin with some independent labels rite now no big money talk yet but its all good i aint broke no more..Gotta radio hook up from one of my cuzins who does a show at st.Bonaventure college so if u go there or are around there keep ya radios on blast im coming that way...Also on online radio already (Jango).Will have 5 singles on itunes by end of this week tha voting ends thursday of this week so far I Love You I Hate You,Coming Home With Me,And 24/7,R wayy in front of the running Leaving girls that love me will most likely be tha fourth unless voting changes dramaticly.Not to much more news at tha moment M.O. Is free now,6litz is free now......zkids doing good jus a lil bratty when there tired u noo.Other than that same shit different toilet...O N U no who u r I Want my fuccin money cuz i aint huntin for u cuz if i beat yo ass that want giveme tha same satisfaction as me having my money but u wait any longer n that will be my last option cuzin GET AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!S.K.Rap U.P. U No Baby Blu And Navy Blu Coming real soon....
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Thursday
As Im sure you know by now there r two new songs out "Coming Home With Me" And "Sex Tape" My first attempts at radio friendly music for tha ladies.HA.Also I finished a song with Str8 Tripp For His album wich is on tha new websit Http://Skrapup.ning.com - Wich Will soon Be Just Skrapup.com after it clears (should Be tommorow).Been workin man also "Im Bacc" should be posted by tommorow as well.My official im Bacc tracc everyones got one if they been gone for a minute haha.Its a fun record up-tempo speedy flow funny shit....Workin on a new artist as well Teddy Sanders tryna develop his music and giving him a chance to be heard his lyrics r crazy,Flow Undeniable.Also,5 of my songs will be on itunes and all those sites u can by music singles BUT! I need you guys to tell me what songs to put on there wich ones do you like best and would u pay for.I NEED your input on this....Plus if you tell me leave me a comment on wich song i should put on their i will send you one of my songs free but not tha one you mentioned.Just so u know "I Love You I Hate You"is already ready to be posted on itunes..So other than that wich song would you yourself pay for...Other than tha music not Nothing new really Yesterday didnt celebrate really my celeration was getting an irish tattoo A celtic cross with a blue 4 leaf clover in tha middle Came out Fuccin SICC. But i got get outta here so thank yall for all your support n leave me a comment on wich song i should put on itunes THANK YOU!!!!
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