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Erin Harkes / Blog

He Bangs

Let me tell you about the time I dated one of the guys in Menudo. I found it strange as a young tween that someone so glamorous would be interested in a mere flat-chested normie. That's what they call non-celebrities, 'normies'. And yes, believe it or not,... these bazooms blossomed late and fast. Like overnight. When I was 17. But I digress. One hot august afternoon, me and the neighborhood children were playing hopscotch and jumprope in the alley off the busy intersection of Main and Clover, at our parent's behest. Again, adding to the coincidence of being 'found' by this young Latino fellow named Ricardo. I looked up, as if in slow motion, the traffic whizzing by, a fire hydrant dousing his curly dark hair, the smoke from a manhole cover circling him like a vertical tornado, I was looking into the eye of the storm that was my future. I've also always been a sucker for an accent. "Buenos dias". Said Ricardo. I could only answer with a whimper, as I was entranced and didn't speak Spanish. He took my hand and walked me towards our magical afternoon. Holding hands and skipping through the park. Throwing rocks in the man-made pond. Sharing a ride on the swing, and stopping off at a local malt shop to split a shake. Two straws. The next few weeks were a whirlwind! I went on tour with them all throughout the country and parts of Canada. I rode on the tour bus pretending not to be jealous of the screaming girls. After all, they wanted what I had. A Menudo. They damn near tipped the bus over in Ottawa! One night, I was waiting back stage, restless, longing for the hand holding and necking of Ricardo. When he didn't show up, I went looking for him. That's when I saw it. My future destroyed, my life forever devastated. He was kissing a boy!!!!!! Oh the heartache. It was then I realized that I was just a heterosexual beard. It's hard to tell if they're gay when they have accents, you know? Not to mention my limited if even existent exposure to the gays. There weren't a whole lot of them at the intersection of Main and Clover, I can tell you that. And that's what happened when I dated one of the guys in Menudo.