Its hard to manage this sort of life. I feel utterly alone amongst my peers. I see them, hear them...feel their earthly presence. But ultimately, I see shadows. I dont relate to their goals or ambitions, I dont see their approach, I only see a slow demise. Lambs to the slaughter, I wait terrified to become one of them. To wake up one day and not recognize who I am, to have no goal, to be content in complacency. It scares me.
Its the Money that gets me. Their Master. Worshipped and feared, the cumulation of all of mans accomplishments. I long for freedom from this oppressive religion! I dont want to be a mindless subscriber, I dont want to feel this weight on my shoulders. Constantly thriving, working, dying for the God. Moneys reward is like the promise of Heaven - we strive toward it for our whole lives, bleed for it...and when Death comes, Im sure of one thing: there is no redemption. Your hard-earned dollars arent worth shit in the afterlife, because there is no afterlife. So why this obsession?
I think it stems from natural selection....or lack thereof. Somewhere along the line, physical and mental competition werent enough anymore. There had to be another way to compare, to brand, to categorize. There had to be a way to break people down and take away their humanity. Control them. Control trade. Early in our pre-history, something evolved and we ceased to evolve. the purpose of Man was no longer to improve, but to conform. Not to strive for perfection - unattainable and lofty. We wanted to strive for something tangible, something measurable and concrete. Man wanted to stop competing and start producing. Competition is too inefficient.
And look, people say, at the wonders commerce and finance have brought us! Science, religion and state - all our modern systems. They are perfectly designed to be immersed in our great World of Money. They float in it like buoys, we cling to them and claim, "we are safe!" not seeing that were all neck-deep in it. Drowning in it, helpless to fight against it.
I say, look at the wonders Money has brought us! Overpopulation and overconsumption. Political boundaries drawn in blood, designed to starve out the weak and make the rich fat. Man neglecting fellow Man - of course we cant help each other, were too poor and distant. Money, and the quest for Money, has come to overwhelm and supercede basic human relationships. We move about like pawns on a board, not acknowledging the Invisible Hand that guides us. Capitalism has grown sick and mutated. Even Adam Smith would revolt against this - not Man working with Man, but Capitalism crushing Man! There is no sense of morality in the wake of all this Imperialism and Globalism. People starve because there is no real supply-and-demand. Only supply-and-consume, supply-and-over-consume. We pour goods and services into already glutted markets; as soon as a market ceases to be profitable, we destroy the people therein! Capitalism will drain us dry.
But what can anyone do about it? I say, live by another code. But its so hard, when all our well-being has been painted with that brush. Its impossible to fathom living without this crutch, this shield...without the mutual language of coin. Without that framework around which society has been structured for hundreds of years.
But I say - bring it on. If your God is clean, Im dirty. Sex, Drugs and Rock N Roll. Those are the only Gods I need. And they sure beat yours.
Reply
When the phone line snapped off, I was left wondering "Where are you? Tes ou?" A million questions flickering through my mind. Scenarios shrouded in mystery. I hate not knowing.
Your silence confounds me. I start imagining the possibilities, harsh and hard - whether youve died of a heart attack in your bed. Whether tragedy has struck, when I am thousands of miles away, Im helpless, I cant do anything to save you. I wouldnt even know until much later, during the aftershock. Someone would call me to deliver the terrible news, my knees would buckle, my heart would freeze in my chest. In that moment, I might die of agony. In a split second the meaning would be ripped away from my life.
I cant imagine life without you. I dont want to imagine it. A thousand days passing like dust in the wind, aimless and loveless. Scattering pieces of my heart into the cosmos. They would already be black and dead, just a tribute to your memory. The empty space in my chest would gather cobwebs, I would turn away from the world and from humanity. I would crave death, to be with you, to hold you eternally in its cold clutches.
But now? I can only speculate. The worry I feel, it only underlines how much I need you. Its hard enough to be apart. What would it feel like to know that distance? To know that I would never again feel your touch, death transcends space. To know that your grave would be my only safe place, knee-deep in tears, I would spread myself across the earth and die, I would spread my ashes with yours, we would dance that dark dance together. Nothing would motivate me to live - not after losing a love so pure. Not after having nirvana, and losing it to mortality. No, I would never rest, I would never recover, until I felt you again by my side. Please, just answer me!!!
Reply
I'm looking out across the plains, the storm rains. My eyes gaze into a light misty haze, the culmination of days and miles. The storm yawns then smiles. It comes rushing forward, onward, upward, pushing the clouds across a black horizon. Keeping the rain down, collecting, deflecting, millions of droplets turned into dust, billions of opportunities ground into dust. I'm floating on the cloud now - earth a thousand miles below, green and verdant, ever fragrant, the freezing air paralysing my body and mind. I leave my body behind.
Then, soaring, pouring, a torrent unleashed, the beast beneath. I'm rushing to the ground at a million miles per second. My mind shatters as the raindrops splatter. One after another, brother behind brother, led to their demise as they plummet from the skies. I'm caught among them, between them, above them. My own water released, it follows the sleet.
When I open my eyes, they were shut tight from the fear, I see the miniscule details of earth drawing near. The warmer air, a moist breath in the darkness, a moment of clairity and understanding. Then finally the descent ends, I'm with my friends once again upon landing. Crushed and expanding.
Reply
Well, another day, another dollar, another collar. Ever feel chained? No matter what the setting, there's always the nagging feeling in the back of my head that says "Get out! What are you still doing here?!!"
Well, what AM I doing here? It's the problem of knowing where to go, of finding direction in a sadly directionless world. Gaining momentum in the mire, watching the paint dry as the world passes by. It's hard to pull your head out of the quicksand long enough to look around and see how barren things on the outside are.
I guess I'll just bide my time and keep playing the game, like always.
Reply
First of all, Godlazer is so nice and chill. I love a good smooth electro beat with a melody thrown in that's not too aggressive (aka trance/house). The best type of dance music is the type that permeates you and makes you feel 10 different rhythmic patterns at once. Simultaneous brain waves, the music jumping and rolling like one of those dolphin pods you see in Blue Planet - each an individual and yet moving in syncro.
Reply
Well, here I am starting my work day. As usual, ADD takes over and I find it hard to initially focus. I think it's my brain adjusting, considering itself, preparing for all the work I have to do over the next few hours.
I love my job! It's so nice to work somewhere where my skills are appreciated. Goodbye to bad management and worker exploitation - I don't take that **** anymore! Now it's all about pushing my career forward.
Well, that's enough about work. What else is new? I'm considering going to "Punk Rock BINGO" at Broken City (Calgary, AB) tonight to see some hot punks and get some much-needed social interaction.
My BFF Carey is stuck in a bit of a rut - she's all existentialist right now, and can't seem to shake it. We'll see if some hot punks can take her mind off the woes of the Universe... :D
Reply
Bunnicula Girl / Blog
Boredom and Uncertainty
Its hard to manage this sort of life. I feel utterly alone amongst my peers. I see them, hear them...feel their earthly presence. But ultimately, I see shadows. I dont relate to their goals or ambitions, I dont see their approach, I only see a slow demise. Lambs to the slaughter, I wait terrified to become one of them. To wake up one day and not recognize who I am, to have no goal, to be content in complacency. It scares me. Its the Money that gets me. Their Master. Worshipped and feared, the cumulation of all of mans accomplishments. I long for freedom from this oppressive religion! I dont want to be a mindless subscriber, I dont want to feel this weight on my shoulders. Constantly thriving, working, dying for the God. Moneys reward is like the promise of Heaven - we strive toward it for our whole lives, bleed for it...and when Death comes, Im sure of one thing: there is no redemption. Your hard-earned dollars arent worth shit in the afterlife, because there is no afterlife. So why this obsession? I think it stems from natural selection....or lack thereof. Somewhere along the line, physical and mental competition werent enough anymore. There had to be another way to compare, to brand, to categorize. There had to be a way to break people down and take away their humanity. Control them. Control trade. Early in our pre-history, something evolved and we ceased to evolve. the purpose of Man was no longer to improve, but to conform. Not to strive for perfection - unattainable and lofty. We wanted to strive for something tangible, something measurable and concrete. Man wanted to stop competing and start producing. Competition is too inefficient. And look, people say, at the wonders commerce and finance have brought us! Science, religion and state - all our modern systems. They are perfectly designed to be immersed in our great World of Money. They float in it like buoys, we cling to them and claim, "we are safe!" not seeing that were all neck-deep in it. Drowning in it, helpless to fight against it. I say, look at the wonders Money has brought us! Overpopulation and overconsumption. Political boundaries drawn in blood, designed to starve out the weak and make the rich fat. Man neglecting fellow Man - of course we cant help each other, were too poor and distant. Money, and the quest for Money, has come to overwhelm and supercede basic human relationships. We move about like pawns on a board, not acknowledging the Invisible Hand that guides us. Capitalism has grown sick and mutated. Even Adam Smith would revolt against this - not Man working with Man, but Capitalism crushing Man! There is no sense of morality in the wake of all this Imperialism and Globalism. People starve because there is no real supply-and-demand. Only supply-and-consume, supply-and-over-consume. We pour goods and services into already glutted markets; as soon as a market ceases to be profitable, we destroy the people therein! Capitalism will drain us dry. But what can anyone do about it? I say, live by another code. But its so hard, when all our well-being has been painted with that brush. Its impossible to fathom living without this crutch, this shield...without the mutual language of coin. Without that framework around which society has been structured for hundreds of years. But I say - bring it on. If your God is clean, Im dirty. Sex, Drugs and Rock N Roll. Those are the only Gods I need. And they sure beat yours.
Reply
Worry
When the phone line snapped off, I was left wondering "Where are you? Tes ou?" A million questions flickering through my mind. Scenarios shrouded in mystery. I hate not knowing. Your silence confounds me. I start imagining the possibilities, harsh and hard - whether youve died of a heart attack in your bed. Whether tragedy has struck, when I am thousands of miles away, Im helpless, I cant do anything to save you. I wouldnt even know until much later, during the aftershock. Someone would call me to deliver the terrible news, my knees would buckle, my heart would freeze in my chest. In that moment, I might die of agony. In a split second the meaning would be ripped away from my life. I cant imagine life without you. I dont want to imagine it. A thousand days passing like dust in the wind, aimless and loveless. Scattering pieces of my heart into the cosmos. They would already be black and dead, just a tribute to your memory. The empty space in my chest would gather cobwebs, I would turn away from the world and from humanity. I would crave death, to be with you, to hold you eternally in its cold clutches. But now? I can only speculate. The worry I feel, it only underlines how much I need you. Its hard enough to be apart. What would it feel like to know that distance? To know that I would never again feel your touch, death transcends space. To know that your grave would be my only safe place, knee-deep in tears, I would spread myself across the earth and die, I would spread my ashes with yours, we would dance that dark dance together. Nothing would motivate me to live - not after losing a love so pure. Not after having nirvana, and losing it to mortality. No, I would never rest, I would never recover, until I felt you again by my side. Please, just answer me!!!
Reply
The Storm
I'm looking out across the plains, the storm rains. My eyes gaze into a light misty haze, the culmination of days and miles. The storm yawns then smiles. It comes rushing forward, onward, upward, pushing the clouds across a black horizon. Keeping the rain down, collecting, deflecting, millions of droplets turned into dust, billions of opportunities ground into dust. I'm floating on the cloud now - earth a thousand miles below, green and verdant, ever fragrant, the freezing air paralysing my body and mind. I leave my body behind. Then, soaring, pouring, a torrent unleashed, the beast beneath. I'm rushing to the ground at a million miles per second. My mind shatters as the raindrops splatter. One after another, brother behind brother, led to their demise as they plummet from the skies. I'm caught among them, between them, above them. My own water released, it follows the sleet. When I open my eyes, they were shut tight from the fear, I see the miniscule details of earth drawing near. The warmer air, a moist breath in the darkness, a moment of clairity and understanding. Then finally the descent ends, I'm with my friends once again upon landing. Crushed and expanding.
Reply
More Drivel
Well, another day, another dollar, another collar. Ever feel chained? No matter what the setting, there's always the nagging feeling in the back of my head that says "Get out! What are you still doing here?!!" Well, what AM I doing here? It's the problem of knowing where to go, of finding direction in a sadly directionless world. Gaining momentum in the mire, watching the paint dry as the world passes by. It's hard to pull your head out of the quicksand long enough to look around and see how barren things on the outside are. I guess I'll just bide my time and keep playing the game, like always.
Reply
New Day, New Way
First of all, Godlazer is so nice and chill. I love a good smooth electro beat with a melody thrown in that's not too aggressive (aka trance/house). The best type of dance music is the type that permeates you and makes you feel 10 different rhythmic patterns at once. Simultaneous brain waves, the music jumping and rolling like one of those dolphin pods you see in Blue Planet - each an individual and yet moving in syncro.
Reply
First Blog Entry
Well, here I am starting my work day. As usual, ADD takes over and I find it hard to initially focus. I think it's my brain adjusting, considering itself, preparing for all the work I have to do over the next few hours. I love my job! It's so nice to work somewhere where my skills are appreciated. Goodbye to bad management and worker exploitation - I don't take that **** anymore! Now it's all about pushing my career forward. Well, that's enough about work. What else is new? I'm considering going to "Punk Rock BINGO" at Broken City (Calgary, AB) tonight to see some hot punks and get some much-needed social interaction. My BFF Carey is stuck in a bit of a rut - she's all existentialist right now, and can't seem to shake it. We'll see if some hot punks can take her mind off the woes of the Universe... :D
Reply