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Alternative / Educational / Concrete Gnome, AQ  AQ


  • 2019

    Sep 29

    Dullsville, APO, AQ | 4:35am

    out there ...in the garden

    Tickets Save
  • 2025

    Dec 25

    Aq, AQ, AQ | 3:19pm

    Binary Gnomes & The Gnomes play all the hits & less by banging together various sized pieces of glacial rock against the side of an old oil drum

  • 2026

    Jun 6

    Mc Murdo, APO, AQ | 4:59am

    GNOMES & LADY GNOMES ONLY - PRIVATE 3 DAY EVENT. [no horses please] ~ provisional state of play projections, basic rules and risk assessments - for Binary Gnome & The Gnomes top-fab uber-gig at the Slush Bucket Bar & International Grille, Snow Plough Storage Hanger, McMurdo, Antarctica. No huskies or polar bears are allowed inside the snow plough storage hanger so plaes do not encourage them. All Gnomes are also reminded that there will be plenty of Portaloos available during the event as around 500 were washed up and recovered by UNIT 3 last week in the middle of the night on the beach next to the Human pipe-work thingy. Congratulations to Gnome UNIT 49 who have now pretty much finished scraping off all of the barnacles, well done 49’ers, and you will all now be allowed to stand at the front next to the stage as long as you do not throw things... (the front speaker cab stacks either side of the stage are still out of bounds though as these are head-banging areas only and reserved for all nug-head gnomes only.) It is now safe to say that there is now absolutely no excuse whatsoever for any more yellow snow at all this time round please, most especially in the area in front of the bar or way on out there, on the pack ice!!! Although some of you may still think that it was very funny to erect a 'Heated Pool' sign, the Gnome Trustees would like to remind you that not all of The Gnomes can swim!!! Furthermore, the last time you all did it in the snow out there, all of the resultant melt holes ice holes seriously confused the often seasonally resident Navy Seal population, and that as a result of this, many of them have since stopped attempting to breed and this has impacted seriously on our video revenue streams. This as some of you already now know, this has also very much upset our most malleable and useful Human collaborator, Human Cleany Brenda. We need Human Cleany Brenda to be happy in her work at the Ladies USAF shower block and elsewhere at McMurdo too. We also need to keep her on our side and not working for the benefit of the Humans because she is the only person at McMurdo that currently 100% believes in The Gnomes and Lady Gnomes. So ~ if the Lady Gnomes are going to continue any get any form of reasonable and regular access to the shower cubicles, Human Cleany Brenda must be kept on side. As a result of all this and as Acting Chief Gnome Secretary on the behalf of The Gnome Trustees, I have now unanimously decided that all future yellow snow production and other similar activities [especially rude word snow graffiti] are now completely banned for the benefit of all Gnomes across the land, and at the next event I cannot emphasise enough that all Gnomes MUST please use either the portaloos, or simply cross your legs for the entire duration- and that's that!!! As per usual we are not only grateful to Human Cleany Brenda, who as we all know also has allowed us to duplicate all of the skeleton keys to the entire McMurdo complex in exchange for the male staff rotation rosters in the canteen, but also to the USAF and various other international scientific consortiums based here at McMurdo Station for the fact that they are still wholly unaware of our both our activities and existence here. We are also grateful that they still seem to have no idea as to what it is that we often get up to here right under their very noses, even though all sorts of things go missing from their stores all the time and lots of other things also go bump in the night... And so ~ as far as is reasonably possible.... I urge all Gnomes to continue to give Gnomey gifts to Human Cleany Brenda and keep her happy. She has recently also expressed a particular interest in the Big Chief Grumpy Humans’ filing cabinet and when she goes there to clean his office as she says that she also likes to collect lots of strange poetry pamphlets and art pictures that the Humans call Top Secret Documents from there and is allowed to do so.. So - Human Cleany Brenda has now asked me to ask you if any of Gnome UNIT 22 Long Range Glacier Group ever visit any of the remote research stations in the Russian sector, because she makes all of the pictures and poetry into Christmas and Birthday cards for them. Human Cleany Brenda says that she does this because she wants to extend the hand of Human friendship to all Russians in the Russian Sector, with love from everyone here. So if any of you are currently members of The Gnome UNIT 22 Long Range Glacier Group and want to deliver them for her to the Russians, she says that it would be a really good thing to do because the Flying Human Posty Man, really can’t keep secrets at all, and she wants to keep it as a special surprise for the Russians. Can I also you remind you all to be both extra-super vigilant and mega-discreet in all activities surrounding our extra workload at the moment of forays in the lead up to this, our next fabulous annual event. As you know it's really important that we don't get rumbled, as with only to 351 days left to go until the party starts again, at this late point in the planning stage, we simply cannot afford to up-sticks go somewhere else like Newfoundland or Greenland to get our kicks just because one or more of you have slipped up somewhere. THE CURRENT ITINERY OF EVENTS IN THE SNOW PLOUGH STORAGE HANGER WILL INCLUDE . . . IN THE FRONT BAR – A 72 HOUR MARATHON GIORGIO MORODA STYLE DISCO DANCING COMPETITION - This wonderful event has the extremely addled bonus of having a different song by Amanda Lear played on the hour, and on the half hour, for the entire 72 hour duration of this sensational and exciting event. Very groovy. The basic idea of this is adage of top fab Amanda Lear music, is to help you all to keep track of time, and also to pace yourselves a bit, so as you are all ablified to be able to give the roaming panel of experts who will be acting as your judges, a nice little flourish at the end. At the end of the marathon, and providing that one or even all of expert panel of judges are not the actual winner or winners themselves; eventually, more or less 2 or 3 finalists will probably be chosen by our resident panel of experts (subject of course to all appropriate cash, or offers of goods and services, being seen to be appropriate by me, and as being reasonable payment for the amount of sheer effort and hard work that even now, at this early stage, our expert panel of judges has already put into ensuring that only the very best of the best actually win this competition. Naturally of course all cash, goods and offers of services must be delivered at to me at least 3 weeks before the next event, and this time round you will also be pleased to know that Human Cleany Brenda has only asked for a small 50% increase in her share of the profit, so her cut this time actually only goes up a very small amount to around 95% of anything raised after costs. After the winner or winners have been chosen on the dancefloor (this will be signalled by the panel of experts indentifying one or all of them with custard pies), there will then be a dance-off to decide the winner again. The 'Dansette' will then play the 45rpm 'Dance With Me' by Reginald Bosanquet on repeat-play until the sea-cows come home - Last Gnome standing wins a beetroot - If no Gnome at all is still standing at the end, we will all simply start the entire event again until someone else wins. IN THE SIDE BAR - COMPETITIVE 72 HOUR MARATHON LINE DANCING with accompanying 78rpm MILITARY MARCHING MUSIC ON TANNOYS - (DJ's are still to be confirmed, and if anyone has any military marching music 78rpm's it would be very much appreciated if they could deliver them to the Gnome Trustees Office no later than about 5 minutes before it all kicks off, as we only have one record left after last years' festivities. This 78rpm is of course the ever popular 77th Gnome Lancers version of The Liberty Bell Marshmallow, and although this 78rpm is cracked and also has had a massive chunk bitten out of the leading edge of it by Binary Gnome, it still play remarkably well and all of the scratches also mean that as it nears the end groove, it then jumps back to about halfway through the song again, and so - at a push we can still probably get away with it for this event if we cannot find any more 78rpm's. However, I still urge all Gnomes to dig deep and find us all some really stonking 78rpm Military Marches a.s.a.p. - Maybe Gnome UNIT 22 Long Range Glacier Group can even find us some Russian ones – We are not fussy and not relying on Russian Military marching Muzak 78rpm’s for this event, although it might add a certain panache and added interest to parts of it. Especially if any of you want to do the Cossack or the sabre dance to the real thing, instead of Cliff Richard’s 'Summer Holiday' on near constant repeat-o-matic play like you had to last time. In regards to other 78rpm military marches, of course, there may still be a few lying around here and there out at the Shackletons', and also at some of the more remote derelict whaling stations in the Japanese sector might have some of Lee Negin's early flapper discs, or at the very least a 10" copy of 'The Yellow Rose of Texas', in the club style. - BUT - Here is a word of caution and warning to all Gnomes!!! If any Gnomes should happen to come across any 78rpm WW2 German military marches on your travels, please do not touch them!!! Lleave them exactly where they are, and exactly as you found them!!! AND above all - cover your tracks!!! We certainly don't want to have to go into hiding from that lot again as well, as some recent and sketchy reports via semaphore from Gnome Station Zebedee suggest that they are currently still very active underneath the Ronne Ice Shelf near Mount Vinton, and as none of us like Wagner anyway - we could almost certainly all do without having to deal with any.. etcetera... and so on... And now for some good news. For those of you who may not have heard - it has now been unanimously decided by me on behalf of The Gnome Trustees, that Binary Gnome will NOT be DJ'ing at this event. Binary Gnome has been banned because last time he got his mitts on the all of the 78rpm's from our now sorrowfully defunct 78rpm Milltary Music Line Dance Archive, he wrecked the lot by chucking them about all over the place like Frisbees... But don't worry, as we can all still have lots of fun anyway as the Side Bar area once again also includes our ever popular Crazy Kitchen - Please bring your own, or preferably somebody elses crockery... The USAF Humans' canteen at the end of Runway No. 1 still has a reasonably good selection of easily breakable crockery, but please leave the monopolypropelene plates and metal trays behind this time. I know that many of you may not agree with the Trustees decision on this issue, bu we can promise you that they are absolutely no good at all, because they really are 100% totally indestructable and a complete waste of snowballs. All of monopolypropelene plates and metal trays will all be collected closer to the event for the Grande Percussion Finale by Gnome Stealth Unit 5, so there really is no need for any of you to take any extra risks at the moment by grabbing them now and accidentally making a racket thereby alerting HUmans to our presence in the canteen. Just stick to the crockery please, as we only really need one tray for Negin Gnome to do his 'Mule Train' routine, and we are all pretty sure that he will be bringing his own tray along anyway. Other attractions now also include a brand new Speak Your Weight Machine and as it takes credit-cards, all previous problems with the earlier machine becoming bunged up and permanently jammed with all of Binary Gnomes slugs has now been alleviated. As you all know there are always lots and lots of credit cards in the Human Sleepy Area at night next to their beds and also Human Cleany Brenda can get loads more for us if we need them from their pockets when they are in the showers - at very competitive rates. As for other attractions, I am pleased to be ablified to inform you all that now back again, and by popular demand, we also have The Bouncy Castle!!!. . . and I really know how much you all liked that last time. However I woud like to point out that we have also decided that no smoking is allowed whilst using the bouncy castle, and it is alo recommened (although not mandatory) that you shouldn't wear snow grips or ice spikes whilst bouncing on it unless you really have to. The Pedal Tricycle Wall of Death is also back again and this time there will be more than enough tricycles to go round for everyone - so no fighting please. Also: In regards to The Wall of Death itself - please refrain from leaning over the top of the wall and either throwing objects and / or heckling the slower Gnomes. Remember ~ The Pedal tricycle Wall of Death is NOT not a competive event!!! The Trustees have already decided who the winner is (unless any of you want to increase the current offfer in cash).. Warning: Gnomes that are caught this time squirting washing up liquid or pouring cooking oil onto the side boards of The Tricycle Wall of Death ( it's not big and it's not clever and you know who you are), will now all have to stand in the corner of the bar area facing the wall until the entire event finishes, and any Gnomes caught tampering with tricycle wheel nuts, or removing the saddles but leaving the seat stems in place, will also have to do the same and may also be banned from attending any future Pedal Tricycle Wall of Death events. . . REAR BAR – EXTRA-SUPER SPECIAL LADY GNOME WET T-SHIRT NIGHT & Mr. GNOMEY-VERSE WET Y-FRONT COMPETITION. YeS!!! We are very-super extra pleased to be able to announce that at potentially great expense to you all via an open ended I.O.U. to various Shady Lady style Human promoters, that this event is now being accompanied by live music instead of the usual hissing repeat play elevator muzak of Binary Gnomes’ Sony Walkman being broadcast through the end of a cardboard tube hanging up in the rafters. Binary Gnome will in fact now NOT be palying any of his muzakanywhere at all during this event either due to various internecine creative rivalry between Binary Gnome and The Gnomes, who have now have kicked him out of the band and renamed themselves as The McMurdo Sound. The McMurdo Sound will now be playing all of your favourite hits and more on the pan pipes during the no doubt many intervals between bucket throwing, chicken in a basket and prawn cocktail will of course also be served throughout the event by our roaming team of Top Gnome Chefs ... and we owe a particular debt to Jeff Gnome for helping in this as he will also be weaving us some lovely kelp baskets to serve the grub up in innit. The Gnome Trustees have been busy with stirling work on your behalf, and on the Main Stage many musicians and bands are now confirmed to be accompanying both competitions. These star turns include [in no particular order] : - Lee Negin and his Fantastic Speaking Clock, [ with apologies for the previous typographical error] Stewpot & the Dolphins will be playing all their hits and more [and a few misses too] and everyone is invited to get naked for Shamanic Communudism and stand on their heads for this part of the show. The Purple Implosion will be suppling ambient fuzz and mood music Tingle in the Netheregions Sensational Bontempi Sound have agreed to take all your requests and play anthing that you want them to play within reason, Hell Bent For Spandex [with Smeggy on drums are still to be confirmed], Boss Man Michael will playing all of his top-hit film scores on the spoons, and your compere as ever of course will be the fabulous Luis Draytonistini IX with extra surgical supports from the sensationally uninhibited Toska Tamed, who may even be doing the balloon dance if we can raise enough cash during the raffle. – BUT PLEASE REMEMBER – ONLY the Humans listed above are allowed to attend this event!!! PLEASE DO NOT try and smuggle in any other Humans or accept any bribes from Human Cleany Brenda to do so – this also includes any bribes from our other friend Human Raoul in the Quartermasters Stores, such as automatic bang metal thingy bang bang sticks and weather balloons, and most especially emergency flares and thermal explosives, as we do not want a repeat of any last years’ behaviour from some of the as of yet unidentified Gnomes who were using them to startle the Bunny Gnomes in the Basement Bar. Although we all know and love Human Raoul, it has been pointed out by some of the Lady Gnomes that he can get a bit raunchy, and pinches their bottoms when he gets drunk, and so after some discussion we have decided that he is NOT allowed to attend this years’ event, and hopefully a few romantic evenings or something like that will be arranged for him by Human Cleany Brenda instead. Human Cleany Brenda, although naturally aware of the event and is a good sport who also does a wonderful rendition 'Happy Birthday Mister President', always ends up far too drunk and so is considered by us to be too much of a security risk for this particular event, and so any Gnomes found to be smuggling either Human Raoul or Human Cleany Brenda into this event will be dealt with very harshly indeed by the Trustees who's decision in all such matters is always final and incontrovertible as you know. So don't tell us that we haven't warned you, as no excuses regarding this issue, no matter how florid and entertaining they may be, will be accepted. . . As for the WET T-SHIRT & Mr. GNOMEYVERSE WET Y-FRONT NIGHT itself – These basic rules and regulations have now been issued - The water in the buckets must be made from melted snow and not drained out of the air-con units or radiators. Also any Gnome found to be using melted yellow snow will be dealt with very harshly. All winners of both the Wet T-Shirt & Wet Y-Front competitions will be decided in advance by our resident panel of experts and all usual cash offers for this will be collected at a later date TBC. The two LUCKY WINNERS will either recieve a box of kazoos and some party hats to enjoy at their leisure... or an all inclusive weekend cruise for two around the harbour on the next available ice breaker captained by whoever else is least drunk at the time (providing of course we can also steal enough diesel from the stores to run it) – basically speaking ~ whatever is the cheapest.. . TOP BAR - 72 HOUR TECHNICOLOUR 'FALL' KARAOKE MARATHON and BRIAN FROUD UNISEX LOOK-A-LIKE COMPETITION. - Due to popular demand we have now decided extend this marathon karaoke session to 144 hours (or thereabouts) so that all Gnomes & Lady Gnomes can have an opportunity to take part. Everyone is welcome (apart from Binary Gnome) and one and all are invited to sing all of their favourite songs by The Fall inna Mark E. Smith style. The winner as judged by our panel of experts in advance will win a concrete mushroom, and a fishing rod!!! The Trustees are expecting a really big turn-out for this fabulous event so please form an orderly queue and wait your turn at the mic. There really is not point at all in you all trying to do it at the same time like last year . . . Furthermore ~ as many of you also know, at the last years’ 'FALL' Karaoke Marathon Event, Binary Gnome hogged the mic. for over 2 days with his atonal and extended version of 'Repetition' by The FALL and as a result of this, lot of you were unable to participate... So ~ The Trustees are now very pleased to announce that Binary Gnome has also been banned from attending this particular event as well. IN THE BASEMENT BAR – pool tables (unfortunately we have no cue balls or cues – but I am sure that as industrious Gnomes you will easily be able to improvise and still have a lot of fun). The Basement Bar now also has it’s own Portaloos and all of the shelving has been replaced with extra smooth melamine surfaces for the extra-enjoyment of you all. High class hookahs, mattresses and bean bags will also available... And !!! ~ A psychedelic light show from Japan with Neo-Glam music by none other than - Yes !!! You guessed right – Mr. Negin!!!... Yes OK, settle down… we already know that he is also playing upstairs as well, but as he's given us an all in price that is very competetive, it now allows us to hire the world famous Exotic Dancing Gnomes, which as many of you know, are not only a top-quality star turn, but also very expensive as they have to be flown in all the way from L.A. So please support Lee by dancing as fast you can to help speed up their journey time. Also, I must add here, as I know that many of you are only really trying to help, we must ask that you please do NOT go fiddling about Mr. Negins’ precious special magic equipment and mess up all the beats, although I know that a lot of you think that it is also a funny thing to do, we would prefer any of you who really are that way inclined to restrict your meddling of beats and bass lines to the ‘FALL’ Karoake Session upstairs, which will by that time hopefully be in full swing. Mr. Negin has really insisted that he does not want any Gnomes touching or fiddling about with his special equipment, this is because if can’t reset the beats and bass loops properly by the time that Exotic Dancing Gnomes arrive, he knows we’re not going to be paying him for the gig. So please try to behave as best you can until after the Exotic Dancing Gnomes have finished their set, and hen of course, you can as ever do whatever you like. Also - Just because the Exotic Dancing Gnomes have a prior booking to attend to in Rekyavik on the way over and so may be a few days late – there really is no need for any repeat of the type of the appalling behaviour we that had last time from many Gnomes at the last event when the ice cream van arrived 3 hours late. Also to those of you still complaining about the music in the basement at the last event, please be a little more considerate, we really did try our best with the limited funds available, but could still only afford a local Eskimo David Bowie tribute act to sing 'Laughing Gnome' and Jools Holland to play few jazz standards on the upright piano. Do not worry. This years’ basement event will be a lot more fun. We promise. Many of you will also be pleased to know that after a long series of very soft negotiations, the St. Gnomes Ambulance have also very kindly agreed to be in attendance again in the Basement Bar as well. We all think that this is very nice of them too, especially considering the extent of the carnage that they had to deal with at the end of the last years' event when Binary Gnome suggested that everyone should to do a full re-enactment of the film Gremlins 1, 2 and 3 - and then… somewhat stupidly, you all did. The St. Gnomes Ambulance have informed us that they still have good range of mushrooms and other interesting medicinal produckts left over from last time as well. So this time round, it should be a really banging party and we'd like you all to be very nice to them, as otherwise we'll have all pay a lot more money getting a load of good stuff shipped over from Zurich by courier, and as the US Customs Dept. will also need a good few back-handers as well, the remainder of this years’ Basement Party budget really just doesn't stretch to it…. So I want all Gnomes to be on their best behaviour until all the good stuff runs out. After that of course – you can of course, all do whatever you like. OTHER ITEMS: As per usual - All bars will have limitless FREE booze and a rotating curried krill buffet freshly created on site by one or more of our top Gnome chefs from the dumpsters at the back of the Science lab. May I also point out that the Human Norwegians currently have recently again dug up something or other frozen solid in a big block of ice and are keeping it in the science lab freezer. I must insist that this time round that no Gnomes whatsoever (you know who you are), start mucking about in the Human Science Lab freezer Dept. with the plug sockets or electric blankets The roof has only just been repaired again from last time some of you got inside and fiddled about with things, and that wasn't cheap either - So PLEASE!!! Just leave it alone !!! . . . again as we all know what happened last time. I know that you didn’t mean to do it, but please stop fiddling about with stuff over there in Human Science Lab unless you are absolutely sure of what you are doing, as a few of you were nearly caught the other week. This particularly applies to mixing cocktails from the bottles in the Humans’ Chemistry Lab as well. We don’t want any more explosions!!! It has also come to our attention again that at our last event, that certain Gnomes and Lady Gnomes (you know who you are), were caught fiddling about again under the tarpaulins. You are all now kindly reminded again to please NOT fiddle about with the UFO under the tarpaulins near the portaloos, or to try and defrost the frozen ice block containing the weird half vejetable / half humanoid life form as it belongs to the Human Swedes... also any Gnomes caught playing about with the thermite land-mines will also be banned from attending any future events... The Gnome Trustees have now negotiated on your behalf with one of their trusted visiting Human Swede operatives – and the Human Swedes are now willing to exchange to exchange the UFO for a rather good and very discreet Human Yodelling Act. Th UFO will remain here still for another year or so until it can be smuggled out., so we really need to ensure that it stays in top top condition until then. I, acting on behalf of the Gnome Trustees, have also decided that he upright piano is now also completely out-of-bounds as well. Any Gnome or Lady Gnome (you know who you are) caught using the upright piano to play along with any of the karaoke turns in the style of Jools Holland will be made to stand in the corner. It has also come to our attention that due to him be totally banned from this event, Binary Gnome has been rumoured to be offering up to $50 cash to anyone who can get him a polaroid of Meinza Lady Gnome whilst she is participating in the Wet T-Shirt competition, and up to $100 for a really good one. The Trustees would like to take this opportunity to make it abundantly clear to you all, that Binary Gnome prints these bank-notes himself, and that they are NOT legal tender. . . ALSO . . . Please remember - No photography whatsoever is permitted anywhere at any time during any of these events and most especially during both the Wet T-Shirt and Wet Y-Front competitions. This is because taking of both illicit and clandestine photographs during these two competitions for later sale on the Gnome black market, is now being wholly managed and operated the Gnome Trustees. So you have been warned!!! No happy snaps please!!! Kindest regards …etcetera …and so on Don’t call us… We’ll call you… Acting Chief Gnome Secretary PS. And on the QT ~ if any Gnomes would like a particular single photograph (or even the full set...) please fill out the application form on the rear of this web-page and send genuine used cash [small denominations] to the usual address. . . .



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Sounds Like: BINARY GNOME, Le Glisseur

Label: Regal Zone-0-Gnome

Manager: Mad Mug Lady Ltd - http://www.madmuglady.co.uk

Bio: BiNaRy GNoME is a globetrotting GNoME who enjoys pretending to fish in your garden ponds & other appropriately industrious GNoMiC activities. BiNaRy GNoME & The GNoMES enjoy standing about 1ft. on a shovel, bimbling on mushrooms & getting sozzled on homemade beverages made from fruit tree windfal...See Full Bio

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