Lance Gargoyle

Lance Gargoyle The Handsomest Monster in the World 1 Lance Gargoyle loved music. Even before he learned to play an instrument, he would make tape recordings of other people’s music to the taste of the person he was giving it to. 2 His mother’s side of the family were musical, and played a variety of instruments. His mother was the most natural of them in her generation – she played by ear. 3 Lance’s first beginnings began when he was out of work in 1975. 4 He walked around town and wrote lyrics in his song book. It started out as “Dead Egg Productions,” with songs with titles as obscure as “Dust Diet” (a song about angel dust and loneliness), “Chesty Morgan: Deadly Weapons” (a parody on the fascination of large breasts), “Nymphomania” (something no man could ever get enough of), with lyrics like: “She’s waiting / She’s moaning / She can’t find no more / So it’s back to her drawer / To her vibrator for more / NYMPHO-MANIA!!!!!!!” 5 Or “Dust Diet”: “I ain’t gonna get high no more / My mind’s stopped buzzing and I’m dying on the floor / But before I go / I want some more….ANGEL DUST!!! / Yes, I got dusted as you can plainly see / I’d rather have some THC / Controlling me, than angel dust.” 6 Or, from those times, “Tricky Dicky was a fly / He buzzed around and bugged people / Yes I said bugged people! / Flies hang around GARBAGE / And they will infect you and your loved ones / Flies are bad / Flies are bad / We need some fly paper.” 7 Speaking of angel dust, first you roll it in pin joints, then you roll it in fat joints and only smoke part of it. 8 Then you're rolling big ones and forgetting to only smoke part of it, 9 A couple more titles from those days: “Accent: the Stuff You Put on Your Meat,” “I’m Speeding on Spaghetti, ‘Cause I’ve Got Noodles Up My Nose.” 10 Lance Gargoyle started experimenting with the bass guitar, some regular guitar, a little organ – some of it was simple stuff that he would play, but a lot of it was improvisational and very creative. 11 He would record himself ad libbing words to a song or reading his lyrics from one of his song books, and play something creative on whichever instrument he was playing. 12 He even got a couple of his friends one evening to record the lyrics to his songs while he played. 13 He always recorded himself and had a ton of recordings – eight tracks, the people started to use cassettes, and he started recording on cassette. 14 He would bring these tapes with him when he hung around with his friends in their cars, and ask them to play the them. It was his method of quality control. 15 Some things they would like, some things were hard to take. 16 Some things were just too far out there for anybody – even you picked up on a little bit of it, you were freaked. 17 Three or four months had gone by since he had originally started playing and recording, when a friend asked him to play at his party. 18 He brought his two bass guitars, his guitar, and two drumsticks which he would use on the strings. 19 It was a Saturday night he would never forget. 20 He felt awkward but dynamic. 21 Unsure of himself at times, but invincible at other times. 22 He sang his vocal tunes. He became another person. People reacted differently to his lyrical compositions. “Dust Diet,´ “Chesty Morgan: Deadly Weapons,” “Nymphomania,” “Tricky Dicky was a Fly.” 23 It had not gone over like he planned. When he left, he felt he had let his friends down, and hadn’t played well enough. 24 He hadn’t played any of the songs they knew – old or popular songs of the time. 25 He hardly had any polish or real skill at this point, but his heart was in it. 26 The next day, he was almost ashamed to show his face around town – feeling the failure that he was, and the humiliation that he would soon encounter. He didn’t have a car, and he was hanging around the Gulf station. 27 Eventually some friends stopped down in their cars, and he got in. Some of them were raving about how unique and original he performance had been. 28 At that moment he realized two things: that there was hope for his music, and that he would always improve his music for the people who would enjoy it. 29 Lance would write many more lyrics, and make many more tapes. He hoped to meet Frank Zappa, and had called his record company frequently. 30 He called so much, the receptionists knew him by name. 31 He finally got a hold of Frank Zappa’s manager, Worm Incoherent. 32 Being nervous, and stuttering badly, he asked if he could send some of his material – lyrics or tapes – to him for inspection. 33 Lance had sent things like this in the past, but supposedly they had never gotten there. 34 Worm said to send it registered mail, which Lance did. 35 This was his big chance to prove that he was a creative individual. A wacky creative individual with potential. He felt that this was his big big BIG chance, 36 He sent almost all of his existing material: eight tracks, cassettes, four or five song books of lyrics, almost everything that he had created and recorded up to that time. 37 Lance waited for the reply. It never came. 38 He called Zappa’s office and was told that they couldn’t find it, but it must be there somewhere, and they would send it back when it was found. 39 That never happened. 40 Lance would find out years later that it was customary for musicians to send short recordings and limited lyrical sheets, if any. 41 He had lost everything that he had accumulated in his life in music. But he started over. 42 Then Lance moved to Lowell, and started playing and recording again. 43 Eventually he learned guitar and some keyboards.

Lowell, MA