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Twisted Tom / Blog

The Real Man Way To Fix Stuff.

FIRST....Unroll or flip through pages of your Honey Do list. Scan list and find a project that you will need a new tool for. Set a time to do project when you want to get out of doing something boring like a wife's friend's wedding or mother-in-law whatever. If working on project excuse doesn't work. Tell her you can do the project and still make the event. On event day, start project and fake hurting your back. Make apologies and when she leaves without you, grab the remote and dive for the couch!

I'm getting ahead of myself here. Wear a hat! When you go to get the new tool, don't waste time shopping. Real men don't shop! They locate, grab, pay and get out unless the girl at the checkout counter is wearing a low top. (Why you wear a hat). Feel guilty for at least five seconds, grin and go straight to your vehicle. Stop and get beer on the way home. ( At least one case). Beer lubricates the joints for all that hard work you are about to do.

When you get home and wife asks about the silly grin on your face and comments on why you have you hat bill pulled down, if you don't lie...she will return your new tool, buy herself shoes or a purse, pour out your beer and you will be the only man who shows up at every wedding, baby and whatever shower there is...forever!

Now...to the work itself. Look at the project from three angles. 1....Should I Google how to do it? 2....Can it be fixed with a hammer or duct tape? 3....Should I fake an injury and watch TV? 3 should have been #1 but sorry...I just don't think that fast. If the work is going to take a while, you must plan a lunch break. Being at home working, it is fine to drink a few beers and a couple with your lunch. First....get out your new tool, if electric...plug it in. Rev it up a few times to make sure it can handle the hard work you are about to do.

Since wife is gone and you are alone, it is fun to dance while you rev the tool. Crank that radio up and rock it! Careful tho with drills and saws. I drilled right through the bottom of my handy genuine cowhide tool pouch once while pretending I was Clint Eastwood. Back to the work. Standing, looking at the project...you know you are going to really screw this up. You know you need to call a professional.

Decision....You cast pride to the wind, tear your t-shirt, rub dirt and grime on your pants, lay on the couch, drink beer and watch TV until wife gets home. Keep a wet washcloth handy to put on your forehead in case you don't hear her coming in the driveway. After you explain how hard you tried, she will kiss your forehead and agree to call in a professional. If she mentions how many beers you had, just tell her you drank out of frustration and wanted to mark that project off of her honey do list so bad it hurt!" She will more than likely know you are a pathetic liar, lazy and a pig but she will turn away, roll her eyes and add another notch on her infinite memory slate of paying you back someday.

Meanwhile....you have a new tool to show the neighbors. You had a great day drinking beer, having lunch and watching TV. You take a shower, get dressed and take your wife out to a wonderful restaurant. You sit there in front of your steak, scan the room and see many other men sitting with their wives, enjoying a wonderful dinner. You smile and wish you could scream out to all the men,"What kind of new tool did you guys get today?"