Fred is supposed to go fishing today, but nooo, that time of the month is here and he has to call Bob. Fred....."Hey Bob,no,no,no...she already said I could go fishing but "you know what" visited me last night. The damn sheet and my new Bat Man shorts were a mess." Bob...."Sorry man, yeah, I know what you mean. I'm surprised you weren't prepared though? I always get little warning cramps, then I slap on a Kotexas Manly Pad just in case. It really sucks to be you. I'm calling Charlie. His wife is in Vegas and he just had his period last week at the bowling alley. Though, he might still be mad about us making fun of his red sock?" Fred...."F**k off Bob! You're lucky to get cramps. Mine just up and squirts like I sat on a plastic ketchup bottle. I figured you would understand. You're as bad as my wife! She just rolls her eyes and calls it my man thing. I hate it!" (Fred is crying uncontrollably) Bob..."Now, now Fred, come on. Hey, I can stop and get you some Midol and toss a few of my Manly Pads in the tackle box. Hell Fred, come on, go fishing with me." Fred...."You're just saying that. Anyway, I have pills and pads of my own (sniffle...sniffle...sniff) Dammit Bob, I just got a new Garcia reel too and (sniff...sniffle (Waahh!).....on sale!" (BWAAHH!) Bob......"Come on Fred, calm down, take deep breaths...in and out....in and out. Wow, uh..uh, you wouldn't want to sell that new Garcia reel...would ya?" Fred...."(BWWAAHH) You bastard Bob. I'm sitting here bleeding on a cotton lump and all you can think about is dicking me out of my new reel! (BWWAAHH!) Bob...."Oh come on Fred. I was kidding. Just trying to cheer you up so you would feel better and go fishing with your old buddy. You know you are my favorite person to go fishing with." Fred...."(Sniffle...sniff) You mean it. I'm your favorite...even more than Jake?" Bob...."Of course Fred. Oh,oh,oh hell, that reminds me. Did you hear what happened to Jake at the golf course?" Fred....."(sniff...sniffle...honnkk!) No (Sniffle) I never hear anything about us guys anymore. Go ahead, tell me. I won't mind again, being the last to know." Bob...."Oookaay. Anyhow, Jake was on hole 14 in the sand pit, again hahaha! We all know that Jake has to wear those Super Manly Pads with Gorilla tape wings. His dad had the same problem, anyway, Jake was using his favorite wedge and broke it. He held it up and it twirled like a helicopter!" Fred...."(giggling) that Jake, such a loser." Bob....."Oh yeah, he started bawling right there in front of everybody, even the women!" Fred...."Nooo...waay!" Bob....."Oh yes, He absolutely did. His wife tried to comfort him but he just squalled louder. He called her a cold rigid bitch and started beating his new Easy Go golf cart with his clubs." Fred...."Nooo." Bob..."Yesss, plastic fenders were flying, headlights were smashing and all Jake's wife said was, "What an idiot, he paid for it." Fred....."Oh lord, how well I know that feeling. She just smarts off and doesn't consider his biological imbalance at all. She is a bitch. Sometimes, I just hate women!" Bob...Oh boy, you should hear what Jake did then." Fred "What, what, tell me dammit!" Bob "He dropped the big D word." Fred "You are kidding, wow, oh wow...divorce!" Bob "Yip, Jake was fed up with her inconsiderate remarks and is planning to sue for custody of Fluffy and Max." Fred...."The pit bull dog and the cat both? I hope Jake gets it all. I am so sick of women and their attitudes towards us men. Just because they have had periods for thousands of years doesn't give them an excuse to make light of the recent biological plague that has attacked us!" Bob...."Oh I know, but we can't live without them. Hey, do you feel like heading to the old river yet?" Fred...."Oh, I guess. Hold on a minute. (Fred speaking to wife, "No dear, I am not leaking on your F%$king mother's favorite F#$king purple, ugly ass Fu$%ing chair!" Fred...."Bob, hey I'm back. Bob...Bob?" Bob....."click." Fred, "Bobbbbwaaahhh!" By: T T :)
FIRST....Unroll or flip through pages of your Honey Do list. Scan list and find a project that you will need a new tool for. Set a time to do project when you want to get out of doing something boring like a wife's friend's wedding or mother-in-law whatever. If working on project excuse doesn't work. Tell her you can do the project and still make the event. On event day, start project and fake hurting your back. Make apologies and when she leaves without you, grab the remote and dive for the couch!
I'm getting ahead of myself here. Wear a hat! When you go to get the new tool, don't waste time shopping. Real men don't shop! They locate, grab, pay and get out unless the girl at the checkout counter is wearing a low top. (Why you wear a hat). Feel guilty for at least five seconds, grin and go straight to your vehicle. Stop and get beer on the way home. ( At least one case). Beer lubricates the joints for all that hard work you are about to do.
When you get home and wife asks about the silly grin on your face and comments on why you have you hat bill pulled down, if you don't lie...she will return your new tool, buy herself shoes or a purse, pour out your beer and you will be the only man who shows up at every wedding, baby and whatever shower there is...forever!
Now...to the work itself. Look at the project from three angles. 1....Should I Google how to do it? 2....Can it be fixed with a hammer or duct tape? 3....Should I fake an injury and watch TV? 3 should have been #1 but sorry...I just don't think that fast. If the work is going to take a while, you must plan a lunch break. Being at home working, it is fine to drink a few beers and a couple with your lunch. First....get out your new tool, if electric...plug it in. Rev it up a few times to make sure it can handle the hard work you are about to do.
Since wife is gone and you are alone, it is fun to dance while you rev the tool. Crank that radio up and rock it! Careful tho with drills and saws. I drilled right through the bottom of my handy genuine cowhide tool pouch once while pretending I was Clint Eastwood. Back to the work. Standing, looking at the project...you know you are going to really screw this up. You know you need to call a professional.
Decision....You cast pride to the wind, tear your t-shirt, rub dirt and grime on your pants, lay on the couch, drink beer and watch TV until wife gets home. Keep a wet washcloth handy to put on your forehead in case you don't hear her coming in the driveway. After you explain how hard you tried, she will kiss your forehead and agree to call in a professional. If she mentions how many beers you had, just tell her you drank out of frustration and wanted to mark that project off of her honey do list so bad it hurt!" She will more than likely know you are a pathetic liar, lazy and a pig but she will turn away, roll her eyes and add another notch on her infinite memory slate of paying you back someday.
Meanwhile....you have a new tool to show the neighbors. You had a great day drinking beer, having lunch and watching TV. You take a shower, get dressed and take your wife out to a wonderful restaurant. You sit there in front of your steak, scan the room and see many other men sitting with their wives, enjoying a wonderful dinner. You smile and wish you could scream out to all the men,"What kind of new tool did you guys get today?"