Trichotillomania / Blog

Neptan Trefalj ep.1

Neptan Trafaljem knew no one and no one knew him: his life and death, by his own desirous design was 100% without connection. The initial separation was a necessary catastrophe: the wanton and willing ending of the lives of everyone on Earth who was less than 4 steps genetically removed from "the subject". In this case, the murder via means he'd never be privy to, of his entire direct family, all their offspring not to mention relatices in other countries who he'd never met. They made him look at a photo and read a synopsis of each targets' "life"....Neptan had to initial each page baring such information. He initialed a final page permitting the corporation to "prestidigitate" an unforeseen contingencies: i.e. the sanctioning of necessary murder of witnesses to the already sanctioned murers to make one, Neptan, a free man. Free from everything, as if born a 30-year-old man. with all necessary experience, all of the money without any of the work. It was to good to be true: Neptans' account read that he was as rich as he would ever need to be...he knew before he agreed to that which he would be a killer first and a spy and trafficker. 2... Nep hated everyone, even those he liked, with a depth of hatred that made hmi feel as if he could set people on fire with thought alone...he simply hated them with THAT much fire...he would have been happy to be vaporized by an atom bomb if every piece of shit faggot Chollo who tormented him through school. Nep knew about Mexico...he knew about everything: he hated everyone too much to have anything to do but read for a few years straight. He enjoyed drugs: but not anything that brought him anything but more hatred. He read comic books and bought steroids and Crystal Meth. To sleep at night, he had to , within 15 minutes, swallow a liter of something at least 80 proof. He enjoyed every nanosecond with the intensity of cumming times a billion on crack between when he left and when he finished his missionary work.

3. Neps' mother made a career of injecting drugs....she sold her body for money and drugs/clean (?) needles when she needded. Nep wanted her to die from age 7. Neps; parents were selfish, bu trieed the best ehy could. His father was someone who needed to pick a fight with someone every 24 hours, or he'd seemingly take it out on us. There was, according to the P.O.'s notes, more times than Neps' mom would admit..as she was a bitch with an I.Q. around 100, whereas Neps' father was a genius..Nep..a Fedrally qualified Maximal..a VIQ point below that of Albert Einstein, 2 above Hawking...postulated to be a mind the likes of Sir Jones'..he was known worldwide. o fix this, e rented a storage locker in the Prison-town of soledad and proceeded to pour High-Octane booze on himself, say a prayer and drop a lit zippo. Those waiting outside waited 15 second, entered, retrieved, and had Nep in a recovery room on brainwave-activated morphine drip. He had his preselected face.

continued later.

Bonnie Prince, Does My Dishes.

It feels, in no uncertain terms like an autism...an incapacity to filter out the world, its' transmissions, its' undulations, is cataclysms that are never spoken of amongst the public, its' wrenches of spasm from tragic to comic...it feels like I perceive a residual amount of this "energy".. The brain being electromagnetic in nature..I see no reason why bio-radio (telepathy, etc. is not a totally viable, rather easily explainable thing. Have they bothered to use radio scanners to determine the "frequency", "band and channel" of telepathic thought. The last few months have been haunted by the memory of my dads' death..the anniversary of it..`never having been able to fully deal with it because of family (not all, as some have been very helpful) deciding to lie right to me face. Learning how to use Publicly accessible records for what amounts to Genealogy is a bastard..but, I don't take "no" for an answer when something is vital enough..in this instance, and only a very few others, I am glad I can usually tell when someone is lying to me. Substitute a war hero for a booze hero, job jumping lost individual who, though he had the "root" of a family..never had any comfort via it. Poor bastard. Oh, well..that is life...some people just never "get it" and leave a 13-year-old wanting to resurrect you to just beat you to death again. Fill in the rest with massive binge alcoholism and general abuse of the money family once had...why he never bother to get sober...just so you know, I blame you squarely. "G-Ma" and to quote, "and thats' how The "High Command" your 'benevolent' god "took My Daddy from me".. The world shits, I ferment the shit into a tasty and poisonous beverage to kill the behemoth who imprisons me. I'm just that kind of guy. ;-)

My disappointment at what is now the internet.

If there were a way for me to legally disavow my relationship to humanity, at large..I'd do it in an instant. The massive preponderance of humans I encounter, in any venue for any reason (so wide a set of things that the cross-section I refer to would be statistically quite sound) simply disgust me via their general lack of understanding of, well..anything. It dismays me there ACTUALLY ARE some people out there, who work full-time, and/or go to school..yet still have less to do, obviously, than I do. That ANYONE has LESS to do than I is a revelation is and of itself. I suppose I have too much intrinsic need to create to actually, REALLY end up bored enough to go about finding things I take issue with and waste y time not even bothering to cleverly cut me down. AT LEAST CUT ME DOWN CLEVERLY so I can get a laugh. I have said this too many times, but, the general lack of comprehension amongst the EVERYONE now online..well...it is far different from the Internet I knew and adored. The thing that was MY escape and the escape of those very few that I could tolerate in reality: i.e. my friends. As I already stated, the internet was a place (when I got made fun of for having an internet connection in my house..yeah, that early /when one was still considered a geek for knowing a thing about it. I was online when 300 baud was the fast modem. I KNOW most of you were NOT there during the days of BBS's and people using the internet/BBS lines at first...using them in ways to satisfy desires that are either impossible to satisfy in reality, or things to dangerous to satiate in "reality". Now, when some asshole in who-knows where, probably Indonesia or India somewhere), hacks my email account, and I change EVERY password and clear every cache, + incorporate software and methods of security I'd have to write 10 pages to explain to the AVERAGE internet user. I have no problem with a powerful technology empowering the masses..however, when those masses ignorance and general lack of breadth of understanding cause ME to have to defend things I say, because EVERYONE, every last fool, along with those you wish would have been online ages ago. Now it is a foregone conclusion...everyone is online..and that is why it now sucks. Those of us who understood to its' bare-roots, the entire thrust of public usage of this tool was empowering..but now that the Publics' ignorance has to be both catered to and warped out of its' intended shape, which was one of beauty. A thing too ethereal to be physically dangerous, but real enough to entice and satisfy fantasy of lots of sorts...(ask anyone who was on CompuServe and would freak out, cancel "REAL" social engagements, so they wouldn't miss an ElfQuest conference..circa 1993, 94). The end result is simple sadness. When an element that colored your experiences goes the way of Corporate domination and for it to be the odd thing that someone is NOT online...when it was, then, the odder thing to be as connected as I was, and my friends were. ...we liked that it was our thing..but never could have imagined THIS. I am tired of not being able to say ANYTHING I feel like saying, however out of "left-field", without some asshole who I don't know jumping on my ass for uttering a phrase. My ability to engage in the bullshit that is "Social Networking"..or rather..the inevitable B.S. that will follow if you let ANYONE see your page...from now, I block my personal page from non-friends...but the band page must, obviously remain fully open. Since I wish this to be able to be read without limit, that is where it will go. My artwork that is for sale will also appear on the band site, as any and all sales of such will go through the production interest that encompasses the music, etc. that we create. I will start tweeting more than bothering with FB, save for actual friends. Where does this thing we can't love without now stand for you?

A Terminus, a point on the ultimate

My testimonial on all of it:

I see the World, right now, and I am scared more for those that Live on it than for it; It, I think, is about to expunge us, or perhaps tell us to quit screwing with it: the planet itself I mean. I don't assume an intelligence behind our Earth, but when so many Dynamic forces are at play, variables become very hard to pin down: the scuttle away like insects, changing instant by instant with dramatic "I warned You" in its' lack of voice but intense reaction. The Earth quakes For any and all in times of extreme upheaval....survival is first a roll of the dice. After that, though; survival becomes a knowledge and ability-based "luxury". As much as it has been and will continue to be beaten to death, it is true that as Americans, at large, "We" (you I mean), can't go and kill and butcher an animal to keep you alive, most likely (this is a shitkickers' wonderland compared to anywhere I'd choose to live..people hunt here, fish, are general rednecks..but, they know how to survive if there weren't anything..no electricity, no running water, no antibiotics, nothing...those who will live the longest are those that have a background in hunting, fishing, living off of the land. Farmers will survive. The problem is an over-comparmentalized work-world for too many. The assembly -line is grand and a good idea, but it renders everyone helpless when one link is taken from the chain......: not even close to a sound process. Unless every person is trained to do every job, one damns their business as well as those who work there...especially if you actually produce something necessary for life. It will be avery Sweet, delicious day, indeed, when those who spent their lives doing NOTHING but earning units of monetary value (100% contingent on 1 governments' stability) who instantly only have the jewelry and things in their house..and then, as people start getting hungry, (and you can't eat gold or diamonds of famous works of art), there will be no chance of the survival of the so-called elite, unless they have the foresight and/or ability themselves...as in Bear Grylls is rich and famous, and will likely end up King Of Earth just due to his knowledge/ability regarding survival. Ones' ability to survive will become the status-symbol; as, it is far more sane than the things that "people" seem to admire. Were the government to collapse due to horrific natural events/events perpetuated by our, after a point, intentional destruction of the planet on which we live. If priorities do not change on a global scale.., We are domed as a race, as a life-form (unless the theories that we came from another place originally are true..as in Mars, Another far off planet, our hollow Moons' center. ?? I Love that that which is still uncertain leaves the brilliance of possibility..of Hope, of someone somewhere having the right idea at the right time and making it change EVERYTHING we hold as true. We are due for an Einsteinian, Relativity-Theory Discovery scale of breakthrough....and WE NEED IT. In a way I hate ALL of you, in another I pity ALL OF YOU, but in the default way, I LOVE ALL OF YOU, in simple desire for people to be HUMAN and HUMANE...not just people. Whoever it is to be...We need you to break us on through..... --NGP

Burn a Flag?...Sure you'd rather burn a fag, you .ergh///ugh, vomit, splat.

It is a piece of cloth that has ABSTRACT meaning as a symbol. People get all nuts about people "burning the flag"....far worse things, which your overzealous, misguided "patriotism" has you complain about a flag being burned instead of bother to go vote, bothering to make sure people KNOW what actually IS happening, and NOT just an obfuscation for a 3rd reason. It is a nationwide/statewide at a time issue which is an "issue" containing NOTHING but distraction...if you are stupid enough to fall far politicians manipulating your every thought, diverting your attention from children within our borders starving to death, people deciding to "look the other way" when they know they are well-acquainted with a serial pedophile. Look at yourself in the mirror...what is important? A PIECE OF SYMBOLIC CLOTH IS NOTING MORE THAN A SYMBOL FOR SOMETHING, HOPEFULLY, FAR MORE IMPORTANT...; but it makes perfect sense that a nation, a world obsessed with appearances, that; since the it likely wouldn't occur to a Muslim in the Middle-East, via general perception, would EVER look up and see that people in the U.S. , by contrast, have it good..however, we don't have jobs aplenty, we don't have medical care that is anything close to affordable for the majority of our populous..add to that any of the innumerable things about which SOMETHING CAN BE DONE: RIGHT NOW, that no matter what will have more impact than getting to pin that Good-Guy badge to your chest because you have no perspective on what IS and IS NOT important.

Some people should realize that they shouldn't call people "Dog"..

It embarrasses me on behalf of the moron employing "ghetto" slang (more like Hollywood faux ghetto slang, as they'd never traipse [these people do nothing but traipse...they know nothing else, sadly]..I do not like absorbing fools deserved feeling of foolishness, hence why I am always outside very fast after arrival. I will likely never have much in common with those who have not suffered..as when some smile at me, I feel like saying, "What the hell are you grinning about, asshole"? I simply don't tend to relate to those who have not been crapped on undeservedly, in one way or another. I still have no certainty, 100%, that I won't be Transported at some crucial point by whatever potential alien influence that has pervaded my thoughts, mind, and very existence...were I an alien, a la space..it'd explain all of it..m, I ma though just a man wishing he had such a simple explanation.... if someone asked me, and I were forced to be fully honest, I'd say that I am depressed, very depressed; but I have not had as much, it felt, to lose prior, I was willing to let it all go away, forever and ever; nothing mattered enough when paired against the things pushing me toward a quick conclusion..the pain was too much, and unless you have been willing to die as opposed to live another day like the one you just had for a decade in a row, you have no place to know from whence I came, and from whence I come. My statistical chances of "making it" slip every year that passes; but I have too much good in my life to fore-go the brief time I have some certain knowledge of: i.e my 60+ years (hopefully) left of natural life.. I have been very patient. Too patient for too long...and then proactively patient for to long and far too sporadically...but what is one to do. What one is to do is to realize that "eternity" makes the length of life on Earth, conventional consciousness, etc, is effectively 0 ticks on the clock you now know(or don't now, how am I to know)??, as a non-living entity...so...as far as it seems, if ones perception of temporal data can be warped "properly"....they'll operate as if all is the same, save for the fixation on the clock and diurnal signals to habitual destruction. Time is illusory, but malleable as concrete as it seems..but it is as malleable as the very air or vapor, clay or water...it has no bonds or structure...as all that is illusory cannot. Cannot.

Go get a Klaus Nomi album if you don't get ours..

I recall a film, in which the narrator.main character asked if one could fall asleep in one place, and wake in another as a distinctly different person: shit; I just remembered the movie/book...anyhow, it should be obvious to many at htis point what I reference, so I will not bother to name it, but, as continuance nof a kind, I will not sleep until far later; I will not nap. ] It always comes to the forefront, the ebb, the fringe: pain, of one of another sort...; but now, for a blissful instant or as long as it is..I feel all is possible, have absolutely no doubt in my abilities, that my ship will come in, and soon enough to satisfy me. I ask myself, "Are there prerequisites"? I have no answers..

I often wonder what Humanity would be like if it had even a remote chance of lasting, say, 1 Billion years, adapting, evolving, changing..like those flat little bastard insects who can't be killed by simply stepping on them...your million times their weight doesn't kill them.they just walk away...exoskeletal weight distribution through adaptation..like time carving them into their disgusting perfection and survival capability...eroded just like a geographical feature by the aeons, into a perfection humanity likely will not have the chance to know via adaptation/evolution/... For Non-Evolutionists..at least in many cases, not all,..there seems to be a degree of seeming "insult" ..I'm no monkey!...I am not an APE! , Well, you are a Primate, though..explain that. Less than 2% of that which defines you and everyone Human with normal genes as such from a Chimpanzee..it is a well-known fact. I prefer to look at it, or address it, minimally, in what I feel is likely the most open-minded and intelligent remark I have heard on the subject of Creationism Vs. Evolution is from South Park..., when, , I believe, Stan says that, perhaps Evolution is not the answer to the WHY but the HOW....not ruling out the possibility for those on the Creationist side of the fence to have a 'Divine Spark' necessary for the start of the ball rolling, inevitably, toward US. I have no particular opinion on the issue..as I find myself aging and absorbing more and more information, I find it harder to have concrete opinion regarding many things, because I have seen too many ways of looking at something that have a very definite plausibility, or general sense to them that either appeals to me or fits with other ideas that seem likely. I certainly think that likelihood of one answer, or a set of possible answers to a problem, above others, will eventually prove true, but I have no looking glass or time machine..; and ONLY time will tell (or bring up 1 million years worth of questions) regarding many very big questions.

Askew a Braut der Brain

it is night: I've been screwed out of time-sync with a modicum of comfort, i.e. I am not comfortable....I may as well be a different person at times like these than I am others, I could say some terrible, and true, yet very volatile, and unnecessary right now...I could be , for once, what I am accused of, being the provoking party in any given disagreement/argument/fight. I was born a person whose brain isn't wired to have contentment with only the basics..I find myself at a strange place...I am more or less as close as I have ever been to achieving something of significance..my "Love Life:, as it were, is finally in a place again where seeing the other person is a treat instead of a chore...yet I am as far from content in other aspect of my 'self' which are not even readily identifiable; perhaps fixing all those simple things, eating better, exercising more, etc. I wonder if it can be that simple for me. It is evident I talk a lot about my brain, thoughts, etc...apologies if you don't like it, but It isn't something I am capable of helping. Last night, as I was starting to get rather drowsy, I apologized to my Girlfriend, as I had "Fecal matter for Brains"...and at that moment I envisioned Santa Claus opening my head, like it had a lid and taking a soft-serve shit right where my brain should have been.....I further entertained the concept that , due to global fossil fuel shortage, santa will have to shit in every naughty boy and girls stocking from this point forward, otherwise he'll be blacklisted by the EPA. I feel drastically better, as it is day...go figure....

a short flurry of brain activity.

I've never NOT felt the proverbial "lost child", but at least reality throws be a bone now and again. I can't say a lot of things, but I can say, that with utter certainty, there is a World beyond which the visible and the understood; we all experience it..in one or another of ways. Skeptics must remember..Tesla it was, I think, said, I paraphrase, any sufficiently advanced technology would be indistinguishable from magic. If that doesn't almost prove it, at least logically..I am not sure what could save for a worldwide event of a paranormal sort and gargantuan proportions.

4-sided sire-iron cannon fired at me all night long....

Firstly..I feel the need to do something I hope I will never feel the need to do again: explain/justify one of the lyrics I wrote. In our song, Globicide, (alternately titled with different spellings, as it is not a real word(s). There is the the lyric: "The Catholic Lurch is killing girls" which was ad-libbed along with the variation, "The Catholic Church is killing girls"...this references the absurd number of very ill, skewed heavily in the female direction (I suppose due to how the "Church" [referencing most Christian denominations that are not all that far removed from Catholicism (Lutheran, Anglican, Episcopalian [the American version of Anglican, basically] is an extremely patriarchal structure, or set thereof. I have met more people, of both genders, who, had they the support of their families, ..rather just the acceptance and general love that should be unconditional with family.: however, and unfortunately, it has not, from the views I have had or world to which I do not belong, I see lots of dysfunction....however, I know some of the most genuine Christians, and people of other faiths that are as accepting as anyone can be, and REALLY WALK THE TALK. I have more respect, and admiration than I think these folks know I hold for them...I hope not..but I don't feel well-liked...but, if that is the price of being honest, not bottling up what I must say,. etc...then that is the burden I have on my shoulders, I guess. (un-accepting); however..I'd likely be a happier person were I able to have faith in anything but hope...or rather having hope in hope itself for better days ahead. I simply have no choice but to spill my guts to any/everyone about the way I feel. what I think...and if my opinion isn't welcome..though shit...I'm not charging anyone for it...as I say a whole lot: the burden of offense is on the person offended., as far as I can tell./have experienced. (make myself seem like a jerk any way I go..amazing) I wake up in the very early morning due to essential withdrawal from the medications I need to take to keep all areas of my health, on a hopefully even keel. My first thought, though, was of the dream I'd just had, but my mind instantly shot to a person other than myself and my then discomfort. I thought for a moment and lay back down forcefully and with exacerbation....is this..what? AM I ready for what may (then the asshole inside says: not a chance, you are obviously fucked up and worthless...nobody will touch you with someone else's' ten-foot-pole...; why do you think you've barely heard from any of your friends since x-mas...you are losing your mind completely this time....etc.)..and then I imagine laughter...me as the Universal whipping boy because I can't take the things that others so easily deal with.. then I almost can hear my friend Sharon saying "If it is I guess it is an under-abundance of faith in myself, and an overabundance of faith in my abilities.. I do not know..and, on top of it..I can't find the very benign punchline to a very crude sentence snuck into a blog..BUT, if I talk about it..and find the item that IS the punchline...I'll never be able to pull this dumb joke in the future..what a bummer. ..do just presume me crude for now, I guess...I am I suppose..but, honestly..really, who isn't to some degree. Being so tight with what you'll let yourself say is hell, well for me it is..I can't stand it..thus my propensity for what I say getting me into loads of trouble. Had I been a musician in the paswt..It'd have been me in court for two idiots shooting themselves because of a Judas Priest song.(IMO, the best metal band to ever walk the planet) Anyway...go listen to British Steel, and have a Jolly good day. --Nick-Gerald Peterson Oh..we should be avail for radio play on last.fm todayish..I thnk it starts once it meets a minute quota..which wil have been met by the latest upload..NOTE: Only the first 8 tracks are on our album...