Trichotillomania / Blog

Neptan Trafalgar:A random few pages copied while there was time to go undetected

I was their trophy-"associate" I am tired now, but not sleepy in the least. I am tenderized meat; enzyme-sick: the flesh corrosives in the Tirade Range (elevation 90,000 meters)..I climbed the biggest volcano there, with the intention of, maybe (depending on how I felt when I got the to summit. I didn't ever think they would/could follow me there..but, as soon as I climbed on the highest drift, I could, and did see them sitting hot Cocoa under a therm-regen fabric tent (you know how much that crap costs...sitting under 50 million bones worth of absolute cozy warmth. I could hear the ion-wall generator humming from this distance, which meant nothing, as every single surface here is reflective of light, sound, everything...I was fucked.

...Until I saw a big-fucking-rock, about to fall, about 50 meters to my right and a nice slope lay below it.. I tied a line to an ice-screw, latched up with it, and threw myself, shoulder first..into the boulder..it slid at an exponential rate after it began to move, which almost gave me a brain-hemorrhage, but once its' weight picked up momentum on the ice...I essentially watched ninety foolish enemies be crushed to death by a big fucking rock....it travelled so fast that it didn't need anything to crush you AGAINST...it hit you, and them you were bones-fragments and fluid flying through the air. I wish I'd had a camera... I drank some Coffee, and indulged myself in a hand-rolled cigarette while I watched people shooting at the rock as it approached; at which I bellowed loudly aloud (TV, for those who remember it, NEVER was THIS awesome. Some of the ones' who looked scared, ..well, I've been scared as much as anything: I did them the courtesy of a hippocampus shot from the auto mini, which was my favorite piece of "kit"...you could even use it to get online via the WWGS(World-Wide Geosync Satellite)...a Godsend to soldier in the field who just needed some porn, or just a simple chance to see, just a video clip, or, if the weather is right, actually get realtime interaction with "real" women.. (the Grunts didn't consider their female infantry counterparts, who fought as hard as anyone in The Late Scavengers' War, viable to 'screw'...they wanted long hair, makeup and the curves of a well-Fed woman, not a Soldier-girl, feminine, and willing to indulge these near-psychosis weary soldiers). It was necessary, in the field, the have the females who were not being dosed with suppressives (the hardcore warrior-harpes cared nothing about the possibility of their ovaries shriveling up and their development of beards, etc..Literal hair on the palms. These women, predominantly, were eventually put to death out of mercy. as the suppressive turned out to , in the long term caused something akin to the final stages of syphilis; except they were always violent..without exception.

as well as made heroes of a few hundred women after we won the war (Tectonic-Plate shit is a bitch..but it is nobodies fault. As a native Californian; I see very little reason why our GIANT economy is deserved by the rest of this horrific damned place. California has its' economic status despite the fact that a small percentage of our net gains, yearly, are due in ANY way to imported/goods/commodities brought in from elsewhere. Our thing is tech. Tech requires what California has in abundance already. A real, solid and planned attempt proved successful, because the gun was NOT jumped. If all MEN are created equally, then, all ideas and business ventures should have the same opportunity..especially since we have people using their Personal AI to do their work for them, in every setting...and as there is no legislation existing that addresses, or even acknowledges the existence of A.I.., there is a long legal shitstorm about to ensue. I am on my way to Switzerland by way of Austria, as I have people I' like to see there. Feel Me? --Neptan Trafalgar

One of these days, You'll laud all of it....that which it makes you privy to..

Am I just at a Dead Mans' Party, or am I just far too stoned and having Delirium Tremens or maybe I am in the dream of death (the essential afterlife, as real as this, likely)...however : all signs point to me being still alive...were I dead, asleep or in a coma I wouldn't perceive the physical pain I have..

Spring needs to get here

If you want to experiment with your tolerance of the humans, etc. you may live with, I suggest taking your door off for a period of 6 months and keeping an "irritation journal" to be written in at moment s of being extraordinarily pissed off that your barrier is non-existent I have the solace of knowing that I will be getting out of here, getting married to the Woman i Love and be rid of this bullshit soon enough...but I will never abide assholes and their methodology. Tether Floozy stinks of Nair, and maybe Nairobi, ..but I've not been off of the continent I live on...unfortunately...were I fat would I be jolly?...or just folly of myself...the fat nick who was the kid who couldn't do anything but lose weight. No one lives forever, but I sure as shit can try to cheat nature...whats' the worst that can happen when that is necessary? Death?!...no there are plenty of things way worse than death. Death is average, boring, relatively un-bothersome, as we all do it eventually..but, as long as one takes care of oneself and do your best...when you die is out of your hands, largely. I hate that I have to hold YOU responsible (the "Royal" you) for most of the bullshit I have to deal with along with the the fact I turn on the radio, MTV, VH1, internet radio damn-near anywhere that focuses on that which is suitable for mass-consumption. Fuck the masses. Trichotillomania is not and like never will be for mass-cpnsumption (unless we are deliberately infecting people with a tuberculosis-like disease sonically) to quote the great Elfman in Oingo Boingo (I hope that can be clear enough..as in he kinda irritates me, but Oingo Boigo was so good that he will always be awesome due to the merit of past work).. "From my Heart and from my hand, why don't people understand"? Why? Because they are stupider than the average pile of shit... My fiancee and that which I seek out book and 'media-wise" is enough for me.....I'd love to simply be away from population centers to simply have some time to relax....to not feel the invasion of energgy, the general chaotic static that is modern, urban living. I slept for no more than 15 minutes at a time over 12 days in the Tenderloin District of San Francisco...(those of you who know the rep of the area, I was not on any drugs save for the benadryl I was taking to try to sleep)....the fact that there was no time, ever where things were totally quiet destroyed me.. I have thought for years that my mother was poisoning me..I know it to be true, at least in the figurative. My nephews..fuck it Had the firearm not been invented, we'd have only 6/8ths the metaphors we have...no? Take sex and we have 2/8. Poop, Farts, bodily functions?: 1/8 Newspeak or new-tweak..substance D or consistency? It makes me erect to take your rights from you; I am a man wearing a potato as underwear Pistol-whip the dead Rate hike, spew spikes I am a man who, another day iI never know if I can survive, NATO cavalcade rolls by my neighborhood dope-circle, RAID...10,000 junkies seize and die cold turkey....a few hundred get clean (Fallacy of Impossible Precision)..., maybe 100 for good...the rest to learn that having been hit by the white light has damaged them for good...: taints the desire to "improve oneself" Disprove My Wealth...as then I'd have some in the monetary sense; which is where it needs to be, as I'm getting married. My chance at being away from all hat ricochets around my head with constancy... Waiting for a cross to be erected on my lawn.

"What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way"? -Kelly Bundy

A dream of more dreams of inane content.. Has to be of this kind, the 1 percent I resent, the 1 percent I recall of my dream, Motorcycles will fall. I wonder what biker "clubs" will be when there isn't a drop of gas to be had...are there diesel motorcycles...? I wouldn't know as I don't understand why EVERYONE insists on SEGMENTATION of EVERYTHING.

It, I presume, is the average Americans' way of subjugating all they hate without having to say it. and be indicted as a racist/sexist/homophobe. I hate that Santa Maria is such a damned backwater (mentally and re: mentality...) that when a bastard, murderer de facto asshole military recruiter calls; or anyone else for that matter, and tries to bong with me over sports. ....Upon telling said dipshit that I don't care for sports: certainly not watching them...I have gotten a few replies..mostly, people will say something to the following effect: "Thats' cool..not everyone can be into sports. [about 50% of the time, a jibe about how small-framed + tall/perception of weakness I am`joked with about...HAHAHAH-fuckling HA [is what I am fantasizing repeating to you as I imagine cutting your throat]. BUT...far worse, is when, in this case it was a local moron of an Army recruiter. Two brains cells to rub together for heat, this guy didn't own....yet they made him get on the phone and call people to get them to enlist. He brought up sports. I politely told him I didn't play or follow any sports...that I was a musician and artist and never had much interest in any competitive sport. him: "What? Huh? .. (sighing long pause) you don't like sports"? me: "I hate them. Every reason I was excluded during my childhood was because I wasn't good at whatever game at school was being played...I was chosen last because I was white...but also small....I'd still, no matter what, have been chosen last because I am white... at which point he started to chuckle and stopped himself". me:" EXCUSE ME"? The fact I didn't like Football and Baseball I think broke this guys mind. He was literally a sputtering, suspicious of me, utter idiot with NOTHING else to say...so I directed the rest of our brief conversation. 'Is it really that hard to believe that someone isn't into sport and doesn't waste their time caring about something you obviously center your life around"? him:"Yeah..I never met nobody who 'int' into football" He shook out of his vocal cords slowly...like he was speaking to a bloody Extra-Terrestrial. Me: "Look, I can forgive you if that is all you have..I don't judge people for their interests or lack thereof..,but do NOT do that, or I'll have to have a word with your superior". him: "Ugh , well...that is good". And, then, certainly written on a card laminated to the desk he sat at were the words: "I am sorry for bothering you (Sir/Ma'am)..on behalf of the U.S. Army, have a wonderful day.". click.

Hacyon Days, Make the sting go away...

Lets' take a look My glassies are in pieces, and I rolled a joint with the receipt. Yeah..it has to be amputated and ground into sausage.

Are these the Halcyon days? Or do I just need to take a whole lot of Halcion? Theres' nothing I can feel or see that makes me believe anyone has it any coser than they did 5 or 10 years ag/...the same people..; the same are begging me for insight again. I tell them I know no more than they do and to get some professional help......I am at a loss and too bust reassembling that which is to be something of value. I never stopped being me: so I have no personality to reconstruct..just a whole lot of songs,

My ass just wants some peace, to NOT be called by people to "Just say hi".. Telecom is easy and available...but, seriously..How fast do you think I'll hate you if you call me, over ANY distance to literally "JUST SAY HI"...please just do not...anyone who might. txt me or email me...do NOT call me with "Hi " Me: Whats' Up" You: "Nothing". Just please don't unless you want me to die young.

More ugliness during your season with Blinders on

In ferous Oxide I see futures... Nefertiri, Kill me quickly: Let my retinas becomes imprinted ,...inject photo emulsion into my eyes whil extracting the same mass of Vitreous Humor.

I want a water-scooter a pontoon, head-uop display, onboard tool from a distance to flay my prey and chuck them in the refrigerated tail.

If forced to bail. the nutrition autoignites and fires into the sky, gyroscpricaly guided to provide tonights meat, engineering feat to keep us on our two legs...blue legs in this weather, despite the leather, we freeze nightl..ad if you are a pussy, you will die and be eaten....law of simple survival. Jaw of a cute dimpled child losing ll fat and this all dimples..starve, images of Auschwitz, Bergen-Belsen..this will not happen..fuck nature, fuck its' full-nelson..my anger can burn through your ice..Call yourself a force of nature? Falsity, fakery,..you are as warm as a bakery creating a lake of fresh water to which desperate animal I will kill to eat and not die will come to drnk..and then die. I will be keen and fast, jump on the beasts' back and in my fall put my KA-BAR bewixt its' vertebrae and be ready to slit its' throat with a knife in my boot with my other hand. A throwing hatchet, if deployed the instant the beast begins its' retreat will split its' skull, providing clean and very rich nutrition instantly...depending on what you killed (I killed). I am not an outdoorsman, but was a boy scout and studied a lot. a WHIOLE lot about survival...I still have my fatigues and web-gear which I'll upgrade to m.o.l.l.e. ..but if you think I'll help you in a catastrophe...you are wasting your breath, time and energy. Unless you come with something presented as payment for the protection of MY group: You stay out. These would not be times as we know them now..but may, unfortunately. know before people my age reach old-age. It makes me happy that people are slowly realizing the value of the "Old way" of doing things. This is what will see us through any disaster. It is not the expectation of disaster, it is the eventual inevitability of one...plain and simple...if not your generation, then the, next, if not that, the next....one must always expect/prep for cataclysm....nothing you buy (if you have half a brian) can't be used in 100 different ways, so don't bitch. Those of you who want a precise A-Z and everything between plan of exactly what to do: you will not likely survive. If you can't use common sense to get you through a disaster...tough. I am a firm believer in Social Darwinism as well as some other applications of the theory..not necessarily all of his evolution theory (it has holes, as any scientist recognizes)..but; The smarter humans will figure out a way to survive under the most adverse conditions..the rest will die because they are ignorant...some socially, but the "socially ignorant" usually know how to make due anyway they can.. I go back to this every year when the weather is bad somewhere, as the only REAL sin I recognize is that of: STUPIDITY...the Cardinal sin of LaVeys' Church Of Satan (Satan means "Opposer" in Hebrew...it has NOTING to do with "The Devil").. However, what about Douche Jr. and Douchette at Private, Secluded college with no survival gear. Say goodbye, as unless they are as "bulletproof" as Mommy and Daddy would like to believe that their former Alumni status is./makes their kids..isolation== shit weather which== hard to get to a HOSPITAL....lets hope your kids read a lot.....--Happy X-Mas.

Sutton and It's Big RELEASE!

I scream in silence as introverted as I have ever been to a selection.

Triads, 3s and multiple, imaginary as well of all imaginations, sane and insane. Qualifical is met. Death waits around every corner, ALL the time. there is noting to fear beyond what there was to 12 seconds ago.....awareness should not ALWAYS changes behavior. To change behavior based on knowledge is no make it apparent that you have the secret. Hide your secrets...and know what is a secret, trusted to only those who can be trusted..........13:3, Proverb...

There is a simple chain reaction practicality that those outside of the inner-city imposing law and rule upon those within: If a law enforcement group doesn't literally create a new life, and kill everyone who would bother to endanger said informant. W

What Worldly pleasures can be enjoyed if I am dead? Are still bald, them, the members of Right Said Fred? Did William jefferson only get head? And a world where Cognac was so cheap they mixed it with Cool-Aid (I have no desire to awaken the Copyright Infringement Beast:) I've set myself up for things; expectations of dreams that can only occur in dreams or hyperbole.

Cyber-Police, Data-Dump There is a big red button, it's Proper name is Jerome Sutton... ---...big red, world-end ...BIG RED BUTTON

What if the psychosis of a friend of old were real...what if we were just power sources for divorces and courses for division, ..anesthesia with any of my given incision...if it is deserved. I am met with derision My work is miraculous, to the disasters amongst us : Is in we all are depleted and destroyed..admit it or not; you do not need to comment A universal torment.

I know what you are thinking because I thought it when I was you looking at a me years ago in some Dr.s office or, Post Office, or Surgeon Generals' office (lobotomy machine on-site, delight!..I laugh if I were somehow right...) I m tired of this rhyme scheme. Time for this to dream.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ah-wheet-woo-woo-woo-owoo-woowo..zzzz Ah, Weettt_oo-oo-ooo-hoo-ooo-goo---

the continuance of the last one...un un un ..

Now,m those that put on the badge of 'friend' to me. yet never bother to return a communication, nor do anything but perpetuate arguments that paint them badly: that is horse-shit of the highest calibre that I can't abide..in these people I see the gaslighjting maneuvers of my grandmother: perhaps the initial familiarity drew me to some of these folk..but they all ended up acting the same. It just became too much more clear to me that, at a given time, I can't expect more than a few people to have anything to do with me at a given time, and; I can't blame anything but my nature for that. It just comes down to my being tired of defending simple, irrational-by-nature human emotion. I make no excuse for any destruction I do: but I say things: beyond my direct personal life..I SAY THINGS..I DO NOT DO THINGS. The difference between words (written or spoken) and actions and words has been extemporized on for too long, but..the truth of the difference is there in self-evidence...and, especially as someone who didn't have 2 parents (not bitching or looking for sympathy, but..), I feel a guilt in not contacting various people because, at times, they served, in some ways, as pseudo-surrogate male role-models. It has left me with the knowledge of the importance of a balanced home...as normal, radioactively 1.5 children that may seem...its a good thing to have 2 parents...our species kinda came together, well, before the evolution of civilization, in a near communal way, but,..the kids had the examples, a myriad of them to follow...to find and follow the archetype that fit them best. I get tired of holding aloft a memory that never was based on truth, now learned too harshly at my age, to my chagrin,and als not quite a 3/4 grin, as I take to happiness in the base things...emotions rung: I do , though like that such is behind me forever; and such, the heartless are rendered powerless. Petty: totally,.; but I dwell on past grievance like a pacifier/knife sharpener..to prepare for a bigger battle.

Had it.Camel, Fat, Hum ,tired necrotic stump it become.

and I'm numb. Of late, I have been forced to sever friendships, mostly "friendships" as they are fallacious. I can't look at myself in the mirror with any respect for whom I see when I have permitted myself to be trod upon by fair-weather friends/those who I could DO something for ,and once they were done with me, cast the husk aside without a word. If only these people, especially a few, really knew that every last person I encounter feels the same; they are just too "nice" to ever say anything. When I feel I've been shit on; someone claims to have apologized for such: but in fact all they did was agree that, yes, they did do X, Y and/or Z; but no apology was ever issued. To fall into the trap of the self-ofsessed too many times in my life has made me pissed at myself..but never as pissed as those who just didn't care; those who use you up and leave...the true Vampires among us. I had a lingering sympathy for people of this ilk; I can't any longer. Time has embittered me toward humanity in general; but I am not an out-of-the-box asshole..I just don't like being used as a tool for other peoples advancement. Not sure if its' a quote, but in the film about Basquiat that Schnabel made, Rene Ricard referred to "not kicking out the rungs of the ladder that are beneath you.." That kinda says it all. I don't know the precise quote from the film..but you get the gist. It satisfies me that I am too old to qualify as the audience for record companies (major) too have too much interest in trying to manipulate me. I guess it makes it easier to see their bullshit when you aren't the persson/demographic it is aimed at deceiving..and I was deceived, to a certain age/awareness..but became too cynical for their voodoo to work on me: so labeled I : Deranged. Awake for the first time in a decade is what I call it. The realization that you have been asleep in you waking life for its' majority is a revelatory, and horrific moment to experience. It bring you face to face with your own life, your own death and all that hates you all at once. It is essentially becomes a spiritual cleansing that permits the influence of the good if you have pre-designed things..the horrific if you leave caution to the wind..or rather realism. I suppose that is what I received..a harsh dose of realism with a very large dose of hope. I feel disappointment at how things have gone, and how they may have..maybe: but they are how they are...and I am OK with that, as long as the present situation is a temporary bridge to that which is better...the fruition of that which I need: stability outside of a bizarre, abusive to my thin-skinned ass environment. It is to must to me to take everyday...

My Own Little Atomic panictoid

I am supine and lupine. I don't need anything but me to kill and eat you. I am more specific and refined than that which existed before; I am no simple issuer of bullets; I am the firing pin only. I have no other purpose but to ignite the primer. I am tired, and sick to its' ultimate placement in the encasements I choose and presuppose.The internet is the new Shortwave worldwide radio network, and Shortwave Radio will likely end up being the 'new' internet after that as well: if viewing time linearly. At least i got a new pair of shoes that I am comfortable in straightaway (a very rare occurrence, and I hate having to "shop" for too long...but had no choice, as there were no shoes/boots applicable to wet/inclement weather which were not in shreds after a couple of years (anything that goes on my feet had better last at least 2.5 years for what I pay..avoiding Rockport now, as they fall apart too fast for my taste).. That I don't have to have blisters for awhile is nice...but I'll never give up on my Navy blue 9-eye docs which I've had since I was 15..or 16, not exactly sure. They fit so well, a second skin as well-worn leather becomes. A heavy leather (likely in a motorcycle style: neo-Japan influence if iI can find what I've seen online...at least it'll fit for me to make mince of an attacker with a sword wearing such armor (which it is, as much as protection against weather). I want an entire pair of pants woven of paracord. "Everything is dancing" Soap bubbles laced with LSD, and a 3 dozen other chemical of effect blown in large size and quantity : like a Harry potter Jellybean Bubble-drug gift-kit. They always called the Napalm "Love." They'd say they would drop Love on the enemy..chains of gelatinous-petrol explosions rendering a forest thousands of years old a memory in 5 seconds. Not to mention the Agent...The Agent Orange. Vietnam produced more casualties in terms of hardcore Herion addicts, deformed/stillborn kids due to defoliants and, Those whose minds were blown beyond repair and nobody noticed, so the VA didn't help, and the soldiers started sleeping on the streets, as the Psychosis inherent in their genes had become very active and rendered them incapable of "knowing" it was safe, that they could get help. If you don't have the experience: try convincing someone in the throes of Psychosis, Paranoid Psychosis of anything: it is nearly impossible unless you use their illogic "against them" so to speak. It begins to draw a person in, ANY person. I dare anybody to get a tatto on their face that reads thusly: " FUCK YOU. No matter what I say to explain this tattoo, I secretly wish you would die along with everyone you love and everyone of your color." I foresee a future where people will tattoo themselves as such, with horribly mean racial diatribes, as methods of passive suicide. Tallyho

Neptan Trefalj ep.2

It was Mid-Demeber, so his INT told him.; it was vital that he made the INT reqs before he closed his eyes to look at them..he was under surveillance and had to make his eye closures look like the morphine having its' effect..he was just about the size of his mother, assumed about the same weight. Having watched his mother stick herself and slam every drug under-the-sun...he knew roughly when he'd supposed to begin to stir. He mapped every detail of his desire to remove himself from his situation, taking with him everything he'd need, giving him time to be nearly 1000 miles away by car by the time they realized he was actually, really, NOT there. He relied on the fact the former guards standing at the end of cell-blocks with shotguns were remnants of a distant past...their replacements, invariably, employees of a Privately owned, but Publicly-traded company, (whose stock goes up when more people are in ail: So Why IS Pot Still Illegal??)...instead sitting in bomb and bullet-proof surveillance/armory the Corporation 4. Nep work with a very good fake taxation-card and a very expensive (Every-time he remembered what he had to give up, far more precious than any"thing", nearly made him vomit a decade later upon remembrance. He learned to control his tear-ducts to keep from giving himself away via his emotions...He was, by necessity, NOT who he was when he was born..not any longer. He was not the formerly incarcerated, he was not the victim of prison-rape, he was no longer a member of the class-action lawsuit against the Corp. that owned the "Correctional Complex"....which, almost exactly 12 years after his legal release would have come. The suits from uptown would come and offer, no doubt at intervals designated by the company A.I. .... continued later