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The Chocolate Crackers / Blog

Since You've Been Gone

Hi, this is my first blog post in more than a year. (Also, it is my first on our Reverbnation page. I can't seem to figure out a way to link my regular blog to this page, so I'll just be copying and pasting my posts from there to here.) If you had any passing interest in reading about this aspiring songwriter's failed attempts at composing verse, I sincerely apologize for my absence. I went through a fairly significant dry spell over the past, 14 months or so. During that time I ruined the best relationship I had ever been a part of in my life. I ruined the relationship by being dishonest with myself and the person I was in that relationship with. It's very hard to describe the shame and embarrassment I felt at the time and still feel to this very day almost one year later.

I never thought I would be "that guy." You know, "the jerk," or more accurately, "the a**hole." That guy that could take a woman's heart and misuse it the way I had done. Years ago I would've briefly considered ending my life to prevent myself from ever becoming that person.

I don't really know what happened to me. I was such a sweet, innocent boy when I was in high school. Hell, I even remember a time in my life when I couldn't even fathom the thought of having sex before getting married. That notion ended with my first real girlfriend in 1993. Naturally, I instantly I fell "in love" with her. However due to my lack of experience she was not very willing to reciprocate. Subsequently, when she broke up with me a few months later, she also broke my heart or so I thought.

At that time I vowed to never let that happen again. However, not even a year later I get into a fairly long-lasting, mentally destructive relationship that would last for a very long time. I will not bore you with the details of that sordid affair. Some things are better left in my Seinfeldian vault. Yadda, yadda, yadda, I was hurt a great deal by that relationship. However, it was during that relationship I learned that although people are capable of doing bad things, that doesn't necessarily make them bad people. It makes them the wrong person for you. Therefore, I learned to separate the person from the behavior. Unfortunately, the experience of being hurt in that relationship didn't serve me well in my last relationship.

I wish I would have just remembered how I felt during that time in my life. Had I done that I would have never hurt that wonderful woman. I wish I would've just loved her like she deserved to be loved. If I had who knows where we'd be today but I'm sure we'd be happy. She was simply wonderful.

Nowadays, my life is slowly getting better. I'm moving on but the regret I feel over ruining that relationship will probably always haunt me. Possibly because I never made amends to "the one." Honestly, I don't know how I can ever make amends to the woman who loved me more than anyone. I tried to write about the regret I feel but I know it's not enough. It's never going to be enough. I suppose it's my penance to know that I can never make up for the pain I caused.

SINCE YOU’VE BEEN GONE Another sip of bitter tea Is all in life that’s fit for me After making a mess of everything

All of nature’s colors have faded away Turned to various shades of grey Matching the way I feel inside

Now my life’s become mundane I’m lost all reason to taste All that’s good has gone to waste

Since you’ve been gone sugar’s not so sweet Everything feels so incomplete Momma please come back home

Since you’ve been gone I haven’t been myself You were much more, than good for my health Momma please come back home

Don’t think I can make it on my own