Chris Howard / Blog

Hard To Breathe

You begin to wake and it's hard to breathe so you stretch and begin to see you work to sit so you can stand you reach the door you turn your hand and you dine and you drink while you read you start to think you take it slow to the car so you can roll to where you are and you're at work that's where you go it's what you do it's all who you know so you shake your head and you sigh you start to do the math begin to wonder why but you do your job yeah, you do it right so you can tell 'em back at home that you fight the fight pull a breathe lose your sight counting six more days 'till you see the light and man, it gets hard to breathe

Blind, Like You

Unable to stand, in this worthless bag of bones. Tow me under silent trees o're fields of polished stone. I haven't the control so, you can take me down and lay me, safely in a place you know that mother would condone. I won't tell a soul. The breath could not escape me. I should have seen it coming but, I'm blind, like you, with my head hanging down. To speak, surely, goads the numbing but, I'm dumb and distant with my head in this hole. "Follow me" obliviously and "I'll show you how to get there". Up among the evergreens where the water dives below. I had no way to know that you had brought me here to break me. Break me down. I'm broken now. Aphonic in this fucking hole. I should have seen it coming but, I'm blind,. like you, with my head hanging down. To speak, surely, goads the numbing but, I'm dumb, distant, slightly hesitant. If ever I could find a way to crawl into the light of day, back to reaching out, I'd be tearing you from all that you hold dear to you. Lose the grip. You'd fall, with me, to where my beating heart would be. I won't tell a soul. The questions never rape me. Still trapped here in this hole, where your guidance, forever placed me. I should have seen it coming but, I'm blind, like you, with my head hanging down. To speak, surely, goads the numbing but, I'm dumb, distant, slightly hesitant. I should have started running, save my emptied legs couldn't take me to far. Dear God, my basis is tainted. I stand right here. I stand right now. Right here, I stand.


Hold my breath and dive right into this unforgiving, stagnant water. With no warm embrace from frigid failure, I keep falling through. You don't follow. You won't join me for a swim and never take the water in. I've been dis-believing that this world would deceive me. That it would teach me to fly but, deny it tied my wings. Sending me, this uncertain sparrow, splashing down where the water gets shallow and I bleed. Do you take it in and swim with me? Would you join me for a swim? Would you let it take you in? Could you never-mind the questions 'bout whatever lay within? From the surface, you can't see that the answer's underneath this floating skin of everything we're told, but struggle to believe. Until we bleed. And I bleed. Come along and bleed with me.

Skyline Clear

From up here, I am not bothered by anything below. Way up here, I do not hear the sighs or see the eyes roll. Skyline clear. Nothing blocks the view. Its open to my soul. From up here, I dont look down on you.

Far from here, below the green, I hear a river sneaking through the space between the rocks, like how time can get away from you. And its this I fear. Not what may come to be another day, but that you wait below and watch it fall away. Im not coming down. Theres nothing left below to keep my feet on the ground. Im not coming down. Im so high up here, listening to the sound. It's all around. In my head, it flies. Keeps me seperate and equal to the many things I've done and haven't thought of yet. To be someone that understands and not be tethered to the ground. to be the one that understands.

No Sleep

Blood on the page, a tale of life in motion Cut up the sheets with a pen, like a knife glistening, with no emotion words are forsaken in youth, like a wife. My eyes, Red as a sin, buried within you swollen and primed to explode from your breast Uncertain of how I can continue. Time's like a bomb that cannot be suppressed. It's goin' off in my chest. Filthy with age and covered in tension weathered by guilt and this pain in my head captive in rage and apprehension wrapped up in fear with no sleep in my bed.

Turn Blue

Walk with me. Talk awhile. Maybe this crazy I'm feeling lately is a version of genius that's been passed 'round my family like the big gift at Christmas, or the girl, over which, I no longer obsess. That was you. Though I've never spoken of up and awayin' everything, don't think I don't know it'd be easy just to go in a mess while I'm dressed in my best. Leave the rest to clean up. How can we get ourselves wrapped around just what could've happened. How did me and everything become such a mess? Could it have been avoided had I made different choices? I mean, am I creating all of the stress? When Hell upon shoulders, fall and the spine gives way to the wall, I keep fallin' backwards with the weight of these guesses. And just like my peace of mind, the answers are hard to find. As a breathe in the air I'll not breathe again, fades from view. Just pass through. Now turn blue. We talk as we walk about: maybe it's lazy, pinnin' all that we dropped on the curves that you threw. Guess for me it'd be crazy, just up and awayin' everything when I've got so much left to do. It should be you. Now turn blue.

Golden Boy

The sunshine follows you around. You're everybody's goldenboy. I don't think you really, ever see the ground unless, you're looking down on something that's been trampled in your trail, like petals the peasants have placed at your feet. They don't know you like I know you. They never knew you like I do. I think it's time to go. You limit me. You inhibit me. You belittle me. You spit on me and throw your fit on me. Hotter than the sun, you think you are, but I think if you thought then you'd know I know better. In fact, if ever truth-be-told, you might need to look around and find you a gd sweater cuz it's cold outside and where you'll find yourself is alone and old and without shelter. For now, enjoy the spotlight. Though it's not right, I hope you're feeling better. Let it go. You inhabit me. You're always mad at me. You belittle me. You shit on me and throw a fit on me. You limit me. You inhibit me. You belittle me and you spit on me and the whole world can see. Maybe you think that I was born without ears about to hear what you're saying. I can live without the lies through the handshake and the eyes that you can't fake. Maybe this time would be a good time just to get it out. The sunshine follows you around. You're everybody's goldenboy. I don't think you'll ever see the ground.