My Dad died a month ago after a 6 year struggle with Dementia. Since then, I've found myself literally in recovery.. I didn't realise how much the stress of his passing affected me.. my body shut down and I spent 8 days in bed with the flu, and last week I blew a tendon in my left arm (I can't play guitar for 6 weeks). Emotionally, it's a relief that he is no longer suffering (Depression and Anxiety are commonly experienced by those with Dementia in it's early stages), but now I'm faced with a different issue.. he's not here anymore, and is literally confined to my memories. I found myself dreaming about him constantly in the 2 weeks after he died - he would be present in my dreams, then my subconscious would remember he had passed away so he would vanish from my dream.. of course at this point I would wake up and reality would crash into my chest.. Physical pain can happen in grief. I have my good days, and my bad days. I've just got to ride it out.
One of the biggest factors that moulded my earlier years was shame.
Trauma has a way of suppressing creativity, or if you are lucky to be wired the right way - can trigger creativity. I was less fortunate in that sense. I spent most of my childhood, right through the majority of my adult years thus far with my hand firmly clamped across my mouth. It wasn't even that I thought I had a little talent, I thought my songs, music and voice sucked. I thought everyone would laugh at me and whisper behind my hands "she's one of those girls who doesn't realise just how bad she is"..
I'm not claiming to be the next Big Thing or even coming close, but I want to get this stuff out of my head/heart/soul/spirit and maybe help a few people along the way. My music is nowhere near perfect, but I've just got to start, then I'll fix it up as I go.
What will people say? Whatever they say, I'm going to be alright.. I'm tired of being ashamed.
If there's one thing I'm starting to understand, is that Travelling Light is an oxymoron.. As a singer I may travel with just a guitar sometimes, but the baggage is inside.. Songwriting helps drag it out of hiding, have a good look at it, smooth it out a bit then let everyone else have a peek.. some times. The rest gets filed again.