I'll turn 47 in a couple hours and I'm excited not sad about getting older Yet there are days when the line between hope and regret are indivisible as I hear artists like Michael whose gone and Bill Burr whose still around, both visceral and still killing it yet one of them is dead. So all these posts about people dying recently whether it be Prince, a great guy I sold books with, a friend of a friend, or a colleague Nancy lately have got me reading books like “5, Where Will You Be in Five Years?”, coincidentally listening to what makes Story Corp’s Format so compelling is because it’s basically the last 40 minutes of you the speaker’s life but in a sound booth being told to the one person it’s hardest to tell that story too but who you want to tell the most with a seasoned journalist assisting in the removing of your ribs metaphorically but with the expertise of an uninterested party who’s aware of going for the jugular to satisfy the hunger that we the audience have convinced ourselves we need in that moment. So the book says I’ve lived; 47 years X 365 days =17,155 days and that the average person lives 27,375 days -17,155 days lived =10,260 days left before I die So I finally call a friend named Javier in Italy who I haven't talked to in 20 years. He was my best friend for a good 5 formative years between when I was 16-21. And though we talk for a NY minute and he promises to call me back but alas you can't put a gun to people's head as maybe some people just want to be alone or even more blunt maybe they just didn't care for you the same way you did for them at the same point in your lives and the weight you have carried for them is a release so when you finally let that off your shoulders and CREATE MORE SPACE FOR THOSE THAT LOVE YOU NOW to have room to pat you on the back, hug and support you =10,260 days left before I die Less than 10,000 days to spend with Chloe and less than 10,000 days to try to make up to Jade for not being a good father Less than 10,000 days to be with my love Less than 10,000 days till I meet my maker But looked at another way I’ve got 10,000 days more to embrace life 10,000 days and counting to getting older with a smile and the sun on my face 10,000 days to thank certain people in my past 10,000 days to meet new interesting people in my future More days to do something for the first time to take the scenic route to be like a child again to stop working earlier to take more naps without the guilt of a younger man to keep moving more not less even if only sometimes in my dreams to write a love letter to a significant other to turn off the TV, get off the computers and talk more to those that are important to me to cook an outstanding meal and eat it with those that mean the most to me to sleep to have sex to laugh to cry to read more books to read all the Harvey Swados books while sharing more of my life with his granddaughter to write more poems all with the Remembering we only pass this way once
So she says to me next week do you want to go to a topless bar and I'm like kaching! Then she says you know I did say a tapas bar right?!
The way my brother is describing his internet dating choices is like he's on the Price is Right comparing women like he's Bob Barker describing his options in the Match.com showcase showdown!
Go to a Catholic Confession Booth as it is the same as getting in a cab except you don't have to pay!
So when are they going to have a "Not Sure" choice for if you have children on Internet Dating?
Our children are like stones that we build upon. All the fissures of all the cracks that come out of the woodwork like every bald spot and crows feet like every mistake held to the glare of the inquisitioner's flashlight. I am whole because I am incomplete I am tarnished I'm a failure b/c you are a success. I'm alive because you are alive I'm not dead because you are here. So that when you tell me as you cup my face in your hands Standing on the edge of the bed tonight so that we are eye to eye you look at me earnestly and say, "I miss you dad" Before I have even left your embrace. Your blue eyes pierce mine My heart struggles to keep beating as I walk out of your apartment on 23rd and 2nd Your mom yells out to me in the darkness as I start to shut the door, "Tell your daddy you love him." And I don't know if I don't find that to be an even greater lift than you telling me you love me as I'm succeeding where I have failed before. For now when the mother of my daughter encourages my kid to respect her father more than to hate her dad I know that I am growing I know that we are starting to love her more than we could even hate ourselves
I want to play pick up sticks with our legs underneath cool cotton sheets that envelope us in the vulnerability of our fears that time times proximity bring as we get closer and start to realize how much we can hurt each other She ignores that and climbs on top of me her smile vicious Like a lioness who is about to eat her prey A salesman about to slide an easy sale between my ribs and pull out my heartstrings as collateral 10/2002
My daughter now lives on Martinique My ex lover recently contacted me to tell me about her marriage, new baby, and move to Vietnam While my wife and I live in New York City Life is about the distance between people. 11/15/2005
They came like a thief in the night unscrewed the bulbs in and stole all the light. . . from my life Like pies and puzzles with half the pieces missing Lord I'm begging you. . . areyouevergonnaletmeseethewholepicture of My Life Immediacy, insecurity, like leprosy, it feeds on me Burned wide and bright the path of brush so that it fired up the sky like an unattended iron it also left a hold in the heart of my life. . . so that I Burst out the door sprinted down the street the foundation was so weak that it all crumbled into the sea of your life of all your lives Immediacy, insecurity, lust and temptation have devoured me So that when I went and applied for a job with TrueLove the man behind the desk said, I'm sorryMr.Evansbutitseemsyourwaytooexpe riencedandoverqualifiedforthisposition, But if you wish. . . I'd gladly refer you to BrokenHearts&ShatteredDreams I'm sure the'd love to hire a man with your credentials They came again like a thief in the night andwhileIwasgonetookalltheknobsoffthedoors of my life so I couldn't get back in so I had to move on. . . from that life
Classical Music in a hall so vast on a ledge of brick, a silent night Housequaken, yeah I'll be shaking it on a wooden floor, romping, stomping whether in my apartment or in a matchbox club at 3 in the morn Because tomorrow look face first without blinking into a burning sun You will see me I'll be there Burning Pictures and paintings down by the seaside laughing so hard you end up splitting your sides in lights so bright of endless nights So get set get on get off 4 the roller coaster ride of your life B/C I'm Riding faster than a bullet train on a bullet train with the window of the world as my television screen Soaking it up living it up, never ever wanting to be giving it up... Can't bring me down, I'm always going ova So bring on Jehovah I am the Supernova. . . Because tomorrow look face first without blinking into a burning sun You will see me I'll be there Burning
They broke the mold when they made me i was always being different just being me didn't wear fucking khakis or a polo shirt with my baseball cap checking out the skirts at the Frat House with my beer held high declaring my manhood with a gutteral sigh because Oh My God did it look like piss but on and on they kept drinking it Didn't walk like them. Couldn't talk like them Making fun of other people that were not like them Because they broke the mold when they made me I was always different just being me Couldn't wear fucking Raybans at the club when it was dark or in my truck trying to look cool at the park Couldn't wear surf gear at school when I didn't even surf or use a sport like golf to treat people like dirt As my parents thought i was a fag If i thought a man attractive or dressed up in drag Didn't talk like them. Wouldn't walk like them. Sure as hell never ever want to dance like them. Because They Broke the Mold When They Made Me So get your ass back! As my heels hit the block So get your ass back As my heels hit the block As I stroll down the Boulevard watching all the jaws drop. . . Soul Thomas Evans
To listen to sweet music like my dad used to play for me when I was a child and to hear affectionate melodies in this gritty city. In the T.V. commercials on pregnancy tests you get the right girl pregnant whereas in real life it may not always work that way. but nothing like a song, a sweet song to carry you through. I was thinking about the word shutter with its' two t's like slats representative of slivers with space between them Space to remind you that life is yours to create what you will in it Spaces some of them full some of them empty Life with its' ebbs and flows Shutters that make you realize that time's not stagnant, connections like light come and go, and everything's fluid and eventually evaporates.
Sometimes I look at you watching me The way you hold me when I want you too The way I easily fit into your cocoon The way a bullet fits into a chamber 7/18/2009