Somebody buy a shirt already. We need money for drugs. Thank you for your support. -The Management.
(Insert important Breaking News content here). See inner office memo Re: "spin words" and "catchphrases" to employ in aforementioned Breaking News online postings format. Rupert is watching.
We'd love to help your venue, but if The Food is going to play, we'll definitely need the following backline and accoutrements if possible:
1. Guitar amps:
A. Original late 60's/early 70's original (not re-issue) Orange 4 X 12 full stack with original (not re-issue) head.
B. Vintage Vox full stack with 500 watt head identical to the one Pete Townsend played on the "Live At Leeds" album. The actual amp he played through would be preferred, but we're willing to work with you here.
2. Bass gear: Doesn't really matter. No one really listen to the bass unless it's a Funk band (or an audience member plays bass themselves, statistically negligable). Solid state's fine as long as it's loud. Anything similar to what Hanson used on their first record is fine by me (but not the gear they used on the second album. That was just horrible).
3. Drum gear: We'd like a hemhorroid-friendly jelly padded triple horseshoe "saddle" seat drum throne provided, preferably one made by Crenshaw's Fine Musickal Instruments of Heartfordshire, UK (est. 1912). The vinyl covering must be midnight blue. Comparable brands acceptable. Color non-negotiable.
*A couple medium weight sticks would be cool too, but our drummer usually drops at least one immediately, so just one is okay too.
4. Vocals/P.A.: If German made Kreittzweiller 760 directional vocal mics in gyroscopic basket settings are unavailable, 3 public address bullhorns minimum are required. Must be mounted on sterling silver (15K) stands or lightly varnished blonde wooden broom handles mounted on hot pink bunny slipper "footings" (dark mohoghany broom handles unacceptable. Had an issue with that in the past).
5. Accommodations: 2-3 nights at any 5 Star rated hotel in the downtown area, or merely 5 rooms at the Jupiter Hotel that must be remodeled with the following themes (we don't expect them to be exact to our expectations, but fervent attempt is expected):
A. Dirty nun sex room. Upside down gold plated (not painted) crosses preferred for wall hangings if available. Cross with bondage wrist and ankle strapping optional. B. Martian Landscape (but oxygen environment obviously, unless space suit with its own oxygen supply is provided). C. American College Girl Dorm Room with 3 oversized walk in closets. Coin operated vibrating bed to be provided obviously, but closet spaces must be equipped with fold out cots. Any posters or literature/magazines in the room must be printed in Japanese (Kotoba dialect preferred, but comparable dialects such as Kenji are acceptable). D. Woodland Lodge Cabin with live firing guns and min. 50 rounds ammunition provided. Blank firing ammunition acceptable in respect of local legal requirements. 2-3 elk / and/or 5 Point buck heads preferred (and must be genuine taxidermy, not replicas).
6. Deli Tray / Backstage nibbles / Designer drinking water: Not required. We're a Punk band and not a bunch of pussies!
Let me know if you can do what's needed on your end and we can totally make this thing happen. We're just a bunch of humble musicians eager to play.
Many people have asked us what "sort of music" we play, or what we "sound like". Actually, no one's really been asking, but for some reason I've taken it on myself to answer the unasked questions. Describing music in words is about as simple as tap dancing about architecture, but this should really give non-listeners an accurate description of our sound.
Basically we sound like:
1. Nolan Ryan pitching a water balloon filled with semen and gunpowder at Babe Ruth. We're the crack of the bat sound. 2. God crying because His girlfriend dumped Him. 3. The squeal of exfoliating flesh during a vigorous dry hump. 4. The wail of the Banshee as portrayed in Disney's "Darby O' Gill and the Little People" 5. A conglomeration of Catholic theologians on a desert island fighting over who gets to eat the last host wafer before turning to "true" cannibalism. 6. A braying magical unicorn being fist fucked by a gang of angry dwarves wearing fezzes. 7. The roar of a neglected foster child who has just discovered the joys of consuming alcohol and barbituates at the same time. 8. Other really good bands...only better without being derivative. 9. Intraveneous beef jerky. 10. Burl Ives if he had an identical Siamese twin and they sang acapella together. 11. King Kong passing a kidney stone the size of a small dog 12. The sound your mom makes during heated love making if projected through a megaphone hooked up to a Rat pedal. 14. Like shit. Music's a matter of taste after all. Not that I think we taste like shit however. 15. The death rattle of the last Snowy Pink Winged Liver Spotted Owl in existence (originally indigenous to St. John's Plain, Northern Alaska, now extinct) after we crush its neck beneath our boot of Rock. 15. More fun than you could possibly shake a stick at. 16. More fun than a barrel full of M-1000's. 17. More fun than should be legal. 18. A Catholic priest, a Satanist, and a Polack all walk into a bar with matching parrots on their shoulders and only one parachute. We sound like the punch line to that joke, and trust me, it's funny as fuck.
I think that about clears it up. Any questions?
If I missed anything, feel free to add your own interpretive metaphor to our comments section. Thank you.