J-FILL / Blog


AUGUST 29, 2009

I was 6 years old when Pac and Big died.

Today, I understand how huge these losses were. At the time though, I had no idea. When Pimp C died — that shit really hit home. But nothing has been worse for me then not only taking a loss when it comes to music..but taking a loss in my personal life as well.

I looked up to CJ not only as a friend, but at times more as father figure. Anytime I needed guidance, no matter what. CJ was always there for me. If I was out doing something he didn't approve of he made sure I knew he thought it was wrong.

When I heard that CJ had passed, I was at a loss. First thing I said to my brother on the phone is "where the hell do I go from here...I feel lost."

The next day, I got in the car and threw in the first mixtape we put out together. I listened to the whole thing from beginning to end. I even got on youtube later that night and listened to others talk about losing Pimp C looking for answers on how to cope with this loss.

I just remember Bun B saying: "I woke up today knowing that my brother has no worries anymore. You gotta keep walking..we love pimp, we miss him. but these haters and these snakes, they prey on you when they feel like you weak and it's important for me to get back out there and let them know that I'm stronger than ever before"

CJ always told me that if we ever parted ways to that in the unfortunate event that one of us doesn’t make it back, we would keep Heatrize going - stop for nothing. CJ's passing has taught me that it’s important to put that tough guy shit to the side every once in a while so you can get the chance to tell others how much they really mean to you.

The last time I talked to CJ on the phone we were having problems staying connected, I guess the towers were messing up or something. We would lose the call and immediately call each other right back..but after the 3rd time the call was dropped I sat the phone down and was like fuck it, I'll call him tomorrow. Obviously, I never got the chance to.

I feel like there is still so much I still need to tell him..and I will - through my music. I know he is up there right now waiting for the next song to drop so he can hear everything I been working on these past couple weeks. Even with the loss of CJ Im gonna keep my head up. stay strong and keep making moves. That what CJ would want...If I could talk to him right now I know he would be telling me to stop worrying and get in the lab and DO WORK!

And so, it is what it is..god needed to call CJ home..and even though I think we all needed him more down here..God must have had bigger and better plans for my homie.

I wanna thank everyone that has called and emailed me letting me know how much they understand how hard this loss is for all of us who were close to CJ. It is very appreciated. These next couple months are for sure going to be hard not having him around...but I'll make it through.

I just keep telling myself that anytime I wanna talk to him all I have to do is press play.

R.I.P BOSS! you will be missed.