Our influences include Scooby Doo, Charlton Heston and Massey Ferguson tractors, but we’re told that we sound like none of them.
Founding members Scotty and Johnny met one day after an office argument developed over who was better: Nick Kershaw or Howard Jones. They’d actually worked together for five years in the same high-powered office admin jobs folding letters but had just never bothered to talk to each other as neither appeared to like the cut of the other’s jib.
Our aim is to be Berlin’s loudest band after we’ve saved up enough money to buy louder amplifiers. And moved to Berlin.
Scotty’s greatest achievement was getting his 10 metre swimming badge. As he once explained to a reporter from Rolling Stone magazine: “Swimming is a very important thing to learn. I mean, if I were ever on a boat and it happened to sink 10 metres or less from the shore, there’s a reasonable chance that I might be able to swim to safety. Assuming, of course, that there were no sharks in the water at the time.”
Johnny, for his part, is a big fan of Soap Operas. His favourite is Triangle which was set aboard a North Sea Ferry in the 1980s.
Angus doesn’t like spiders and his greatest fear is to be reincarnated as one. He currently has 74 friends on Facebook. He has only met 16 of them.
Brutus tells us that, despite his name, he is unlikely to betray any of us. If he ever does however, he’ll be thrown out of the band post-haste, leaving the rest of us in the unenviable position of having to hire a new Kazoo player.
Rainier has shiny white teeth and his favourite toothpaste is Colgate. Whilst the rest of us make do with cheaper brands like Dento-Save and Pauper’s Choice he just breezes in with his minty fresh breath, thinking he’s like all better than everyone else.
And then there’s Arnold. Now, Arnold isn’t a member of the band per se. Indeed, he doesn’t play an instrument; nor does he sing or dance. He isn’t even a member of our admin or accounts department. He’s really more of a groupie - or at least he would be if he actually liked any of us. Which he doesn’t. All he seems to do is turn up at rehearsals and stare at us in an unsettling manner. Actually, its really more of a glare. Often, if there’s a chair available, he’ll sit in it. And glare. Sometimes he doesn’t even turn up at all. Punctuality is not his strongest suit.
No one in the band has a favourite colour, so please stop asking! I mean, honestly – if we had a penny for every time we’d been asked that we’d have at least 5 or 6 pence. As Johnny explains: “I like me grass to be green and me sun to be yellow. There’s no point whatsoever in me saying me favourite colour is magenta or something because before you know it, some genie is going to pop out of a lamp for some reason - like maybe I was rubbing it or something. And he’ll tell me I’ve got three wishes an’ that. And I’m all like: could you paint the whole world in magenta ‘cos its me favourite colour? And so then I’m left looking at this magenta-coloured hippopotamus in me back garden and he’s eating my magenta-coloured lawn and I’m left thinking to myself: you know this really doesn’t look right at all.”