In the year 1877, Her Majsety Queen Elizabeth the Second dispatched her favorite chamber pot polishers, Sirs Rear Admiral
Hap "The Mad Haberdasher of Sussex and Famed Merkin Merchant of Sussex" Faunterloy, Brigader General Floncey Chauncey
"Try the Beef Wellington" Nigel Cornelius Smythington the third and famed royal corgi breeder and masturbater Cap'n James "Skully the Skull Fucker" McSkullicutty, to the heart of darkness, the deepest wilds of colonial Africa in search of elephant leg umbrella holders.
Using a map from a child's activity placemat from a ye old London fish and chips shoppe, the expedition went tragically lost. Needing ice for eel margaritas,
the party detoured up to the snows of Mt. Kilamanjaro. The expedition mysteriously never returned. Evidence indicates that they fell into a crevase high on the glacier but historians speculate that they were pushed in by their local guides, being known to ride the local tribesmen like donkeys and spurring them on with wet guiness beer farts.
Then in 2009, a coalition of celebrities called "Hey, we wanna save the planet but really just look at us or HWWSPBRJLUS", climbed Mt. Kilamanjaro to raise awareness of global warming and of course themselves. While squatting down to take a massive runny Cheesecake Factory shit, famed actress Scarlet Johanssen noticed something shinny, being the observant itellectual as most actors tend to be, she proclamied "Hey look! Something shiny! (ffffffffffartt!)"
The something shiny was Smythington's royal martini shaker. Recovery efforts were underway, as soon as the celebrities were done talking about themselves.
The expedition party's frozen corpses were then returned to London, kept cool inside a royal slushee machine. Royal scientists found that the frozen bodies were still actually technically alive, the glacier snows keeping their heart rates slowed and the bodies fresh until they were barfed out of the retreating glacier like a Jack in the Box taco the morning after a night of binge drinking. Upon hearing this news, the current Queen Elizabeth said "They must be rebuilt, no matter the cost. I need new elephant leg umbrella holders."
But there were parts missing. The scientists looked around their humble lab. They found random stem cells, a bag of weed, the semen that was pumped from Rod Stewart's stomach and DNA from Elvis' last shit. All this was mixed together in a giant, scientific blender. This frankenstinian cocktail was then charged with jumper cables from James Bonds' MG and a sprig of Ringo Starr's anus hair for luck.
"It's alive!........well kinda." The queen exclaimed as the bodies emerged from the primordial jism.
"Now it's time to reclaim the British Empire! The sun shall not set on my wrinkling, pimpled ass!"
And so it has been since. But to reclaim the crown, instead of throwing major "kegger" wars, the trio decided to from a comedy death metal band called "The Bangalores", named after their favorite whorehouse in India.
But don't mistake them, they stil promise to subjugate and enslave native populations, wiping out thousands of years of history, just make some old fat broad in Buckingham Palace's feet warm. They promise to rock the natives into submission. Mostly though sonic confusion and the spread of STD's. The Union Jack shall rise again!
So catch 'em at a local bar or Bar Mitzvah near you. Or don't, what do we care?, fuck you, you fuckin' asshole.
Also be aware that Cap'n "Skully" McSkullicutty did not quite get fully reanimated and basically just functions as a mascot. Really, he's just kind of bag of bones but will monkey rape you if you get to close. Thanks. RULE BRITANIA! BRITANIA RULES THE WORLD! GOD SAVE THE QUEEN! (The Queens saves 15% if you switch to GEICO).