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It started back in the early spring of 1881, when Fyodor Dostoyevsky died and left a potentially reincarnatable spirit of neurotic hatred to anyone willing to take up the mantel of shame. Quite randomly, however, this reincarnated soul was passed onto two unwitting, previously happy young/aging men, who happened to be punk rockers feeding off the scraps of what was left of the mid-90s, mismanaged, postmodern punk/funk/indie/world-beat scene. Needless to say, this division of Dostoyevsky's reincarnated soul into both men was a bit awkward for the two gentlemen of O'side. And, it literally made them doubt the existence of themselves and God at the same time (hence the name of the band), while still remaining ignorant of the Other’s existence.
Now I haven’t mentioned this yet, but they were obviously musical geniuses (both of them) in their own rights. Between the two, they had played in over 100 bands that were connected to at least two bands that became literally successful. Choosing not to be butt-hurt by being passed over, they strove to continue, at this point separately, to make their own discordant, but accessible music, that several credible online music zines have described as sounding like everything (from ska, to disco, to indie rap), while sounding literally like nothing at all. And for several years, one of them stopped music altogether and just drank grain alcohol and literally watched porn.
However, because these two men, who were jointly sharing FD’s reincarnated soul at the time, had never met, they were eventually called together at the local bar (like Highlanders), while fighting over the last drink ticket of a straight-edge musician at the Royal Dive, who had offered it to the nearest drunk. We cannot say for sure who got that beer ticket, but we do know that Doyostevsky drank heavily that night – in which mortal body, however, is not important. The bond was forged.
Dicky Demonic and Haldon Levay changed their previous fake names into these new fake names almost instantaneously – after consulting a few facebook friends. They just needed the perfect drummer. As luck would have it, Haldon was married to a drummer – and given the fact that she had a stable job and a home, they both agreed that she was perfect. And she was literally perfect. With her beats and drum kit, she pounded out beats that made her drum kit loud. This was the missing ingredient. And despite lacking a piece of Dostoyevesky’s soul, she, Marge Smartbacon, was instantly inducted as the third member of the power trio.
Now, recently, they have all been literally interviewed by several random, online, important and credible zines. In the recent interview, the interviewer literally said, “What do you guys literally sound like.” Now, Haldon, actually feeling awkward about the whole thing, just walked off, yelling, “We sound like everything you’ve ever heard, but nothing you can ever imagine – BIATCH!!”. Dicky D, being more publicity-minded, said, “We don’t like to call ourselves Math Rock, because we are better at English and History. But, we do think of ourselves as something more than math rock. We are Trigonometry Punk. I am the Sine, Marge is the Cosine, and Haldon is often off on his own Tangent.”
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