Russia hit a 55-foot rock which descended from space last Friday and injured 1,500 people. Russian scientists have commented that the mass of the celestial body was great, but it wasn't as great as Russia. The battle lasted approximately one minute with a unanimous victory for Russia. This space rock is entirely different from the much larger space rock that missed Russia and the other irrelevant countries on Friday the 16th. Astronomers have reported that the larger space rock decided against fighting Russia after witnessing the meteor fail to defeat Mother Russia. 6-year-old Toby Hamilton of Hebron Elementary school is walking with just a bit more skip in his step these days, as the U.S. government has recently approved his bid for $20,000 in grants for his continuing research in the field of insect torture. The grants are also designed to cover research involving arachnids, certain crustaceans, and several other “small and icky” forms of life not actively protected by animal rights activists.

Hamilton’s research reports, although written in crayon, rarely complete, and often stained with grape juice, are said by an unnamed government official to contain data crucial to our future developments in terrorist interrogation techniques. Al Qaeda appealed to the environmentalist lobby today with an announcement that it would offset the organization's carbon emissions caused by 9/11. A team from the newly appointed "Terrorize Global Warming" cell of the terrorist organization has spent the last few months calculating the total carbon dioxide emissions from 9/11 and plans to invest in a range of environmentally friendly energy projects. Among them, Al Qaeda is planning to donate millions to a budding wind farm project in Afghanistan to offset these emissions. The terrorist organizations will also try to keep their car bomb attacks eco-friendly. All of their cars from now on will be converted to run on Bio-Diesel, and the bombs themselves will now use a "environmentally friendly" explosive mixture. A representative of Friends of the Earth commented, "We are very pleased, and hope that Al-Qaeda will add to this commitment by guaranteeing that their weapons of mass destruction will not be tested on animals prior to use."

The U.N. General Assembly voted Thursday on whether or not it should hold another vote on Friday to condemn the growing violence in the Peaceful Democratic Republic of Free Syrians. Friday's vote was passed, sending the 9th stern warning from the international community to the regime of Bashar al-Asshat. In a speech at the U.N. General Assembly, U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon pointed his finger in the direction he believes Syria to be and said that the U.N. cannot stand idly by while hundreds are massacred weekly, and that this time they mean it. President Asshat told UnNews reporters Friday that the West’s reports of atrocities being committed by the Syrian military are "distortions and lies." The Syrian military’s official stance is that armed gangs are using the Syrian military to terrorize cities. He also claimed that rebels are actually using the Syrian military to attack dissenters. Without explaining how the rebels supposedly did this, Asshat then launched into a rant about how the U.N.’s sanctions are an attempt to starve Syria's children by sabotaging the country’s ability to manufacture hummus.