Many of our three blog readers will have found the Death Ape update conspicuous by its absence. I can only apologise and say we’ve been otherwise engaged in activities which could be described as “things that doing make no time for other stuff” by someone with a flimsy grasp of the English language. I say “we’ve been busy”. I’ve been drifting in and out of consciousness for several days after someone (me) shot me with something (bear tranquilizer) somewhere (in the neck) for some reason (I couldn’t find any gin). The rest of the band have been busy writing new material, mixing and mastering the now finished re-recording of Death Ape and storyboarding the video. Incidentally the video to Death Ape will now be released into the wilds of the world wide interweb at the same time as the track. This will have the obvious consequence of delaying the release of the track whilst simultaneously making me a dirty liar for saying it would be available for your listening pleasure soon. But this does show we stick to our motto:
“Always leave them wanting more, unless they didn’t want it in the first place, in which case, give them exactly what they want, and fuck those guys”
That is actually a considerably shortened version but it still barely fits around the coat of arms I had commissioned of us riding a fleet of space dinosaurs with twin head-mounted laser cannons into the Sun. I’m riding the T-Rex. But I digress as usual. In all the madness recently Death Ape have somehow managed to forcibly insert an interview with a well known organisation into the hole that is their busy schedule. And here is the transcript and annotated notes made from a tape recording done at the time, and my very hazy memories of the interview. So take your neck out of that piano wire noose and step down of that stool; And you, take your big toe off of that shotgun trigger and carefully remove the barrel from your mouth; And you, Jesus Christ! Take your head out of that oven, it’s not even gas! I can scarcely conceive of a slower, more painful way to do it that doesn’t involve a bag of angry scorpions, superglue and your genitals! Before we begin I should mention any inaccuracies or mistakes in the transcription are most likely due to the massive quantity of Tiletamine (Bear tranquilizer) in my system during and after the interview. And now. And hopefully tomorrow – wait, how many shots are left in this thing? The interview's over 2 parts due to character limits. Enjoy!
Q: Interview begins at seven thirty two PM. Present are myself, DC Barnes and also DS Richards. K: Very formal. Q: State your names. R: That’s not really a question, more of a command. Q: What are your names? R: Rob. Q: Full names? R: Bit rude. Robert Rainford K: Kit Brice J: Jamie Boulstridge H: Harry Lehane S: I really shouldn’t be here. I’ve got nothing to do with th- R: You’re in the band aren’t you? He’s in the band. S: But I didn’t – Q: Name please. *SAM LETS OUT A DEEP SIGH AND PUTS HIS FACE IN THE PALMS OF HIS HANDS* S: Sam Curtis. Q: Occupations? R: Well I think we’d all describe ourselves as ‘Purveyors of melted faces and awesomeness’ *GENERAL MURMURS OF AGREEMENT AND HEAD NODDING RIPPLE THROUGH THE GROUP, EXCEPT FOR SAM WHO STILL HAS HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS* Q: No, I – what are your jobs, individually? J: Master of the Black Arts. And testicle shredding riff wizard. *THE INTERVIEWER STARES AT JAMIE WITH NO ATTEMPT TO HIDE HIS MALICE* J: By night. H: On the last census I put Jedi. K: No that’s a religion dude. H: No, It’s my job too. Jedi Knight. R: Oh fucking sweet! I’m the A.N.F.A. for the N.A.T.O. Military Council. *THE INTERVIEWER STARES WITH A LOOK SOMEWHERE BETWEEN ANGER AND PAIN* R: Arch Ninja Funk Assassin. K: Gentleman, Chap and Dandy about town here. Professional. *THE INTERVIEWER NOW OPEN MOUTHED WITH DISBELIEF TURNS TO SAM* S: I’d really prefer to be interviewed separately if that’s at all – R: He’s a Timelord. S: What? Q: what? R: You’re a Timelord. You go back in time and fight Saxons and Bronze people. And you burn villages. And swords and gold. And drive boats. And you wear a green tunic and you’re searching for the princess. I don’t know, I forget. Or don’t care. S: That’s just… Everything you said there is just wrong in so many ways. I work for the National Trust. I help make reconstructions of Bronze Age villages and boats. You’re confusing that with a time traveller, a Viking and, I think, Link from the game Zelda there at the end. Q: SHUT UP! EVERONE JUST – just shut up for a minute. *EVERYONE LOOKS COLLECTIVELY SHOCKED, EXCEPT SAM, WHO’S FACE IS PLANTED FIRMLY BACK IN HIS HANDS* K: Well that’s just rude! I don’t care much for your interview technique. Q: For my interview…!? This is a very serious matter! K: Well I’m glad you agree! We’ve been here ages and you haven’t asked one question about our music or what our plans are! H: Drums!
H: Drums! K: Yes, exactly! Thank you, Harry. We’ve recorded a demo in the studio, the mixing is complete and we’re currently filming a video for it. Q: Music? So when we told you we were bringing you in for questioning you – K: And about that! We were given no notification about this interview at all! And the drivers who came to collect us broke the door off of its hinges. The entourage went trampling about the house smashing things to pieces! And you’ve kept us waiting in, what can only be described as a cell, for two days! Q: That was a cell. K: Exactly! Q: So let me get this straight. You’re all in a band together? K: Well obviously we’re in a band. Have you done any research at all? This is the most unprofessional interview we’ve ever done! Quite what kind of organisation you think you’re running here I don’t know. Q: The Police. We’re the Police. This is a Police Station. I am a Police officer. K: Well whatever your magazine is called I think this interview is over.
*THE INTERVIEWERS EYE TWITCHES AND THE VEINS ON HIS NECK AND FOREHEAD PUMP VISIBLY PURPLE*
Q: You’re being held for questioning in connection with suspected offences including: The theft of, and public obscenities involving, several boxes of stuffed pokemon,
*HARRY SUDDENLY LOOKS NERVOUSLY AROUND*
Q: The abduction and probable sexual assault of several aquatic mammals from London Zoo,
*JAMIE STOPS FLEXING HIS BICEPS AND PLEASURING HIMSELF IN FRONT OF THE BIG MIRROR IN THE ROOM AND SPINS AROUND WITH A GUILTY LOOK ON HIS FACE*
Q: And last but not L – Oh my god, are you?! JESUS CHRIST! Sergeant! Remove him now!
*JAMIE IS DRAGGED OUT BY HIS ONE FLEXED ARM, ONE HAND DOWN HIS TROUSERS. THE INTERVIEWER NOW SWEATS AND TWITCHES VISIBLY WITH RAGE*
Q: And finally. The reckless endangerment of countless lives, the theft of a hot air balloon and four counts of terrorism and treason.
*THE INTERVIEWER GLARES AT ROB WHO STARES BACK WITH NO SIGN OF COMPREHENSION*
Q: Where were you on the night in question? R: Me? I have no idea. I get these blackouts after a few swigs of this shit –
*HOLDS UP A THREE LITRE BOTTLE OF SLIGHTLY FLURESCANT PURPLE LIQUID AND TAKES A SWIG FROM THE BOTTLE. THE FUMES APPEAR TO RENDER HARRY AND KIT UNCONSCIOUS*
Q: What the fuck is that…? How did you get that in here?!
*INTERVIEWER SNATCHES BOTTLE AWAY*
R: Same way I got this in here -
*ROB PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS A TRANQUILISER DART INTO HIS NECK AS PEOPLE TAKE COVER ON THE GROUND. REPEATED SMASHING NOISE ENSUES INTERMINGLED WITH A GARGLING NOISE UNTIL TAPE CUTS OUT*
Well that’s about where it ended by the looks of things. I’m guessing from the quite severe bruising and lacerations to my head, face and groin that the noise at the end there was me being beaten savagely with the tape recorder, But by that time my blood was pretty much ninety percent bear tranquilizer. I thought I was being tickled by slightly angry angels. Thankfully we were all released on that little technicality on the mutually beneficial proviso we not press charges and never set foot there again. It was generally agreed to be the second worst interview we had ever taken part in.
Well, until next time. What’s, um, what’s my name again...?
News from the 'Death Lair' (Kit's house) is nothing if non-existent this week. Time has seemingly slowed to a halt, frozen in anticipation of the release of the newly recorded version of Death Ape Disco. The finishing touches are being put to it as I speak, well, probably not right now, it being 03:30 on a Monday morning, but perhaps by the time you read this. As I listen to the already incredible original version of this track, my shoes apparently soaked with the blood of assorted tropical parrots and, I think, an ocelot, I find myself almost unable to wait for the completion of this new version. And as excited as I know you are, you'll have to control your presumably free flowing bladders for the moment. News of the track will be up here as soon as we have it, and can be bothered to put it up here. So chill out. Jeez! Other exciting news-to-be is of the "we're doing a video" sort. The crux of this news is that we're doing a video. Those blessed with a functioning human brain who have read other Death Ape blogs may remember some incoherent ramblings about us doing some shit about it. Well we did that shit. And an initial reviewing of the footage leaves us in little doubt that this video will, In all likelyhood, be the single most amazing thing you have ever seen. Members of the public walking by my drive to see Kit and myself standing around, filming ourselves walking back and forth and Kit wearing what could accurately be described as a cardboard box on his head, no doubt felt an eerie shiver down their spines and clearly knew they were in the presence of awesome. We have a planned budget of literally tens of pounds and with shooting locations as exciting as 'some cheap practice rooms' and 'the street' and effects ranging from 'some smoke' to 'flashing lights' I'm already setting some time aside in my diary post release for when Scorsese phones and begs for some guidance on improving his directing. We've got the first minute or so storyboarded from what I can remember of that day... Although I don't remember much. I was running on vapours having not slept for 24-30 hours and just tripping balls from sleep deprivation and a rum, lime and several month old ginger ale cocktail of sorts. And beers. Whisky. I think later some lighter fluid and a kind of thick, creamy beige cleaning product that smelled like christmas from under the kitchen sink. I blacked out around then. And as I slowly regain consciousness and the sight in one eye, unsure how much time has passsed or why I'm in this zoo, naked, with 15 tubes of superglue and around £800 in a Sainsbury's bag, surrounded by partially plucked dead tropical birds, I take solace from the fact that this video and track are just gonna fucking kill, and also from the knowledge that my bloody shoe and finger prints will hopefully be unreadable with all the plumage superglued to my hands and feet. Oh well! Until next time, What country am I in?
It's Four O'Clock on a Monday morning, my current litre of Beerquila-Gin-hito and Toilet Duck is running dangerously low and the police have no doubt set up a drag net in the vacinity by now. All this can mean only one thing, two if you count the impending need to change locations and adopt a disguise(which I don't): It's time for a Death Ape Disco news update - or 'Blog' as people are want to call pointless news transmitted through the interweb these days. Firstly: VIDEO Plans have advanced from the 'not really doing shit about it' stage to the 'we'll probably be doing some shit about it Tuesday' stage. The deductive amongst you will have probably gleaned from the name of stage 2 that we will probably be doing some shit about it on Tuesday. The plan is to do some basic shots of us on a cheap ass peice of shit camera, before we steal one from the BBC, so as not to be wasting time learning where and how to shoot in the delicate hours post theft (I'll not make that mistake again). This will mean that Kit and I may be seen around brighton dicking about with a cheap camera, just asking ourselves how feasable this idea is and how well we'd be able to edit it together (Piece of fucking cake feasable and amazingly well are obviously the answers to those questions). If you do see us around town, don't touch me. I just can't afford another incident like last time: Coming to after a drink fueled rage black-out, kneeling on the neck of a terrified priest, trying to slash the choir with a crumpled plastic bottle of Frosty Jacks. Secondly: .......... No, actually the video news was all I had. The tracks still being mixed by Kit in around his 85th hour without sleep, so that about rounds things up here in this internet cafe. Probably for the best as the owner has arrived is screaming at me about broken windows and dead cats and I hear the familiar sound of police german shepherds closing in. Until the next time, does anyone know the name of a good legal firm?
What's up y'all? I'll tell you what - New track! Yeah, that's what's up! well a re-recorded track. It's a better, faster, stronger, more testicle-shreddingly, face-meltingly awesome version than before. And as an added bonus all you lucky listeners get me on vocals as well as Kit. And Jamie on guitar as well as Kit. And Harry 'The Hurricane' Lehane (As I've just decided to dub him - HOLY SHIT THAT RHYMES! That's your handle from now on Harry) on drums instead of Kit's now dead drum machine. AND 'Smooth' Sam Curtis (as nobody calls him) on bass instead of (you guessed it) Kit. yeah that last version was a pretty Kit-centric track but this time around he's focussed his zen like super powers into ball-kicking guitars. That and mixing the track afterwards. A lot. Seriously, it's 4am right now (What? What the fuck am I doing writing this?) and he's got work tomorrow but I bet he's still mixing that track, bleary eyed, tweaking on supplies of cold, eight hour old Starbucks. The last time I saw him he was twitching noticably around the eyes and intermittantly muttering about levels and just luaghing to himself a little too hard in short bursts. Awesome. Which brings us neatly onto the next litle crack rock of awesome for you to... errr...smoke with your pipe... eyes? Not sure where I was going with that one. Anyway. VIDEO!!! that's right, Death Ape Disco are filming a video to the newly recorded track - as soon as they can get a few people together to be extras, and get permission to film it. Oh, and a camera. But storyboarding is underway. Well, we talked about it for a while. But this mother is a done deal and it's gonna be the high budget, top quality affair that our fans have come to expect and demand from us. I personally plan on drinking considerably less than my usual functioning alcoholic amounts of Beerquilla-Gin-hitos and Flash (gives it a certain je ne sais quoi - you know what I'm talking about ;D) to maybe 4 or 5 familly sized Odeon drink cups, thus ensuring that this impending masterpeice will be unrivaled in it's professionalism and class. Whilst there's almost certainly more news to divulge from the exciting world of Death Ape Disco, I can't remember it and the green tinge to my peripheral vision tells me it's time to refill my Odeon Big Gulp with Beerquilla-Gin-hitos. Untill some other time that I don't know when yet - whose house am I in?