1. Social media and television to the contrary, you do not matter. Nobody cares what you did yesterday. The best you can hope for is politely contrived attention. And yes, for the most part, life sucks. Get over it.
2. There are normal people, crazy people, maimed and crippled people, and retarded people. They come in all shapes, sizes, ages and degrees. There are no “special” people.
3. If you can walk without a cane you don’t deserve a handicapped spot.
4. Once you die, that’s it. Despite all the stories, nobody has been able to prove there’s anything but nothing.
5. All religion is bullshit. Its purpose is to enslave your mind and spirit and suck money out of you. There is no God. There is only chaos. Chaos creates beauty and horror simultaneously. If you believe there is an “order” to the universe, you’re an idiot. Pray to it if you want, just keep it to yourself.
6. You have no rights, not “inalienable”, nor “God-given”, nor “human”. Your rights are derived from the barrel of a gun, and can and will be taken away by the barrel of a gun.
7. ALL governments are the same. Their purpose is to spread their power and suck the populace dry by taxing the shit out of them.
8. Some kids need to be spanked. Some don’t. If you don’t understand this, you don’t deserve to be a parent.
9. You only need to whack a kid on the ass once or twice before the age of 6 to make him understand the limits.
10. If you don’t want your kid to be bullied, you better teach him to fight.
11. If your kid gets in trouble for fighting back against a bully who hit him first, you’d better defend him against all comers, or you ain’t worth a shit as a parent.
12. If you expect the school district/government to deal with bullies, you’re an idiot.
13. There will always be racism. Celebrating Black History Month perpetuates racism.
14. The purpose of life is to get through it without hurting or pissing off too many people.
15. Never, ever offer advice to a teenager. The best thing you can do with a teenager is to keep your mouth shut and listen so hard it makes them uncomfortable.
16. If you haven’t given your kid all the “equipment” to make good decisions by the time they’re about 13, you’ve fucked up your parental responsibilities.
17. A student who sasses a teacher deserves to be suspended. Any student who threatens a teacher verbally or physically should be thrown out of school forever.
18. Education should be a privilege, not a right. Education cannot be improved with more money, but can be improved by letting teachers do their job without your interference.
19. Always do the right thing. If you don’t know what that is, somebody failed you along the way.
20. Keep guns. Learn to shoot-to-kill. Carry concealed, not open.
21. Stay in the right lane. If someone cuts you off, let it go. So what.
22. If you're a woman who wears micro minis, you are asking to be ogled, leered at, fantasized about and stared at. No problem. We will accommodate you.
23. Suicide is not a sin. It's a valid option for some of us.
24. ....and as a postscript to #23....murder may not be a sin, especially if committed upon any neighbor asshole who mows his lawn anytime before 9:00 AM on a Sunday!