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Trichotillomania / Blog

A plea, a yell/scream, a running start low-headed smack into marshmallow

It is necessary to ask the question..a very simple question regarding people and their general way of being toward others. I come home, check my email account to find it has been hacked...and, luckily, the fool who hacked my acct. didn't get it right, so all/ or at least most, of the SPAM got sent back to me. It really doesn't bother me so much...not anymore. I find it hilarious that some moron actually screwed up something I still remember how to do...hell we all start somewhere: I beg any who are interested in computer security/systems and defeating said security follow the International Hacker Code: You look...NEVER DESTROY or use for personal monetary benefit! It is simply not done on the highest levels of the art. Whoever you are: understand NOW that I am VERY forgiving.. Identify yourself politely and I might give you a job that will let you travel the world. Offer is given once.. There is simply no reason, save for smarmy chumps out for quick bucks to hack peoples' accounts (of any kind). It may work, here, there, frogger from truck to fuck to disarray of luck when you finally are caught and, because you crossed state-lines..you'll be doing' a LOT of time. I'm sure you'll be fine, as long as you enjoy being raped in prison. I am not after you "liking me"..not a one of you...that isn't my job...MINE is to write, to express, to vomit out my emotions in a way that will force your ears to listen..force you to wake up about that which you are asleep. If I need be despised/murdered for saying what I'd have an Aneurysm if I didn't, so fucking be it. I get live to live longer MY way, either way.. There is, not a drop of self-praise in anything I say.; just, perhaps an ability to be truly proud of that which I have accomplished. The music made, art created, etc. I simply feel that I've spent my time well. (well..most of it)...not planning on that stooping anytime soon

That the other hemisphere SCREAMS for the same attention.

Where the Hell is my 1967 Los Angeles? I think it crawled into a sewer and died..(as rumor has it) It died a furry suffocation death as a rodent of 1967...died a furry, and very blurry to those there,....phos-gene gas glare..there were folks dumb enough now and out of touch enough then to KNOW. Subject? If you don't know, you don't deserve to..so stay unnerved and be on the lookout for clue, the blue ("Go listen to that Joe Pass record before I hi you with the stun-gun again, ya dick, ya....ya dirty bastard dick, ya"---Me as Joe Pesci's character in "Casino" I am dire in my desire to play live with a proper band again....and throw the grit, and spit the shit into the foaming crowd and do it loud. I nearly die inside whilst watching TV shows that "allow regular folks to live out their dreams: By working with what, as musicians, are simple fucking hacks. I would tell near every "expert" they have on reserve for a gigantic fee to simply step aside so I could take over. If they refused..I'd sit back and laugh loudly when a take was botched by ignorant douche-bag accountant /banker/ dump-truck driver...beautician/mutilator of songs..whatever the fuck they do. I guarantee that I could not play any instrument for 5 years and easily play the drums. guitar, bass, keys and easily do vocals for both of the "original" songs penned by these ignoramuses . IF YOU WANT TO MAKE RECORD, WRITE SONGS, RECORD AND PLAY LIVE: DO NOT BECOME A BANKER. all who were tapped for this show are consummate professional musicians and I have intense respect for all of them)....I spose)...not my A-list, but they know whats' up. --NGP

Result of a tired mind and its' "VOLT/AMP" activity; lividity

The world is full of sound/noise/visions and emotions. I feel that emotions exist with or without an experiencing party. There are simply things, with regard to what we call "Human Emotion", that need not the qualifier: they simply exist as and with he emotion they "contain" Maybe it is a matter of causality; that the universe bothers to keep track of the light and dark pathways....maybe determined by our intent..our character?..our intrinsic "goodness"? I don't know anything that hasn't been said or thought of or postulated....but I still need; I need the intrinsically Hman connection: to "feel" things as others do. I DO, however have a block regarding my emotions via being burned by people I trusted just because I was then able to ask , "Why shouldn't I trust this person"? Truthfully, it is not smart to trust anyone about anything: you should always have proof...anyone who doesn't have an interest in your best-interest (whatever the reason)..should NOT, logically, be trusted. The problem..logic itself. Emotion has no linkage to logic... I do , however neglect that I never feel a thing but absolute bloodlust; a desire, burned by fire, to burn confession out of every lie-spouting, about to get dead bastard pouting lipstick red, but blood instead, All I see is read, utterly need to make dead. I plan to paint my bathroom arterial, oxygenated pink crimson...then I'd move to the Azores with trips to Lisbon to get things with an ISBN, Want to blame, just blame a system, an amalgam of simple insistence to which I desire to offer no resistance...I offer only my presence and a stance that conveys no emotion or attitude/how lofty I am , what job I have,if single, married or gay..My stance offers nothing. I am Switzerland anthropomorphized in my stance.,..my face is stone...(literally, as I was on the last plane back to "The World" about 4 hours ago. I am having whatever Scotch is the airlines' brand and watching a crappy movie whilst trying to solve the guy in front of mes' Sudoku puzzle in my head.

My "cache" of Dry Lightning

I feel this odd sort of whimsy about this time..this RIGHT NOW, these days. I know I'll recall this time with great fondness; I do, though, feel like garbage at the moment...but I know I'll remember "feeling like garbage" very fondly. I almost exist in it with a sort of strange fondness...a rough realization of what I learn with every "hit" I take. As much as some things are simply intolerable: my skin gets thicker/my experience richer...hence my capacity for resilience. I am not sure why I dislike Paul Simon's solo work...but I can't stand it. Many Simon and Garfunkel tracks are really good, but the song content is just so .....fey?...Like, it is the song that every other song would beat up in school forever . Undeservedly..; Thank god, or whatever..., that The so called "West Memphis 3" have been set free. Many people in the music industry saw the documentary, "Paradise Lost" and became very upset at what was very obviously an absolute "miscarriage of justice". I warn anyone prior to view this film: it contains real crime scene footage and VERY graphic and very disturbing imagery...however; if you can handle it: watch it. You will see that, literally, YOU and I can (given very bad circumstances) be held accountable for crimes we have NOTHING to do with. I am proud of most of what I have done in my life. I can't say I truly regret anything, because I don't truly believe that time is linear; therefore, the things about our past that torture us, have and simultaneously have not happened yet. I suppose acceptance of the strangeness and unfamiliar way Quantum Theory works/The simply odd and totally unfamiliar world of Quantum Mechanics. I've never had trouble seeing how it applies..but I don't have trouble warping my perception of things. Perhaps that is the one thing I am truly good at: warping my perception for X amount of time for Y, Z, etc. purposes. I mean never to paint myself a "guru" or comprehension, etc...far, FAR from that. I simply am simply not disturbed by feeling, or rather knowing that I am , along with everyone else..in a sense, much like Kurt Vonneguts' protagonist in "Slaughterhouse-Five": we are all, relative to what we "know" about the "reality" of time, we are "UNSTUCK", so to speak, in time. This doesn't bother me; but I completely understand how and why THAT level of uncertainty can terrify a person. One must realize, though, that everything is the same as it was yesterday...with regard to time and our relationship to it. I would be a pretty ridiculous person to assume that very many people read these writings; they are inconsistent in both nature and quality...I am sure that confuses and irritates people. I can write, though, only what comes into my mind at the moment (try coming up with something new to say EVERY day)....I do it to bring you here, to make contact with fellow humans. I also do it because I am one of those overly-sensitive guys that needs to spill his guts frequently..if not daily or many times a day. This is why I ask for the benefit of the doubt regarding everything I say, as I have a whole lot of very raw emotion that simply comes out in whatever form it takes..which can be offensive, potentially damaging......there is a catch: Not 1 positive thing comes out if it is held in for too long...it ALL becomes negative, and potentially damaging. All of the hopeful beauty in a set of words about a subject turn to shit when your emotion about, in this case, lets say, a person...NOT saying/writing/singing/screaming about those emotions concocts deadly poison more effectively than anything I've known. I am disgusted by an ongoing absurdity of an argument (which was actually simply me stating facts to someone who was functionally illiterate) about he sustainability of a "Vegan" diet. I said ti was NOT sustainable.....I didn't say that ALL diets are unsustainable when there are 7 Billion Humans on Earth.

The "vibe" of today feel so heavy it is messing w/ my head a bit.

When I write to you.., our "public", so to speak (I'd like to think of you as friends, hopefully like-minded, but just necessarily of intellect, or people who bother to think about things. I don't know if that is adequate; however...It isn't. It is just he best I can do. The best I can do when I am writing this blog is to attempt to say something that I maybe mean, something substantive, something that is on my mind...and be as I'd be were I talking on a personal level to each and every person who reads this. I desire connection and I suppose I write this, in at least part , because I a, compelled to do so. I'm compelled to simply "level" with my fellow humans. I am making attempts with everything I do to break convention. Such lofty goals set, be aware I do not expect to succeed in most of these ventures. I do, however, know how to write a song and sincerely hope I can simply make music for a living..a simple, frugal living. It should be the simple right of every man and woman to be able to do what they want, or at the very least something that a person can love...something a person can come to the realization that they could, in fact, DO THIS, whatever it may be, as a sustaining avocation. I have thrown most of my 20s' away through one or another mechanism....I don't mean to say it has been a waste: I have learned/experienced/beyond. I have to have some distance, more clear-headedness[take what you wish from that], and simply more time I suppose, that, in the end..the only point I can make is that its' hard to not feel sobered today...for me doubly so, as my age is "catching up with me"...which means only as much as I let it;nonetheless I see the gray hairs...feel the aches that weren't there before... I feel it in the "general vibe"...it is not a good or bad feeling; but I have the feeling most people are feeling it about now, or hours ago. I again, have NO expectation of any readership today: so , thanks for being so kind if you read this today. It is truly appreciated. --NGP

Hopefully the most vacuous BLOG entry I'll ever write

NIcks' list of things to avoid: (these are based on nothing save for what I feel like typing right now...not even my own actual opinions (necessarily) come in the composition of this ridiculous and utterly pointless document).

1."Christian Karate" or a place where everyones' Gi has an American flag on the back. Come on.

2.that one guy

3.his dad too.

4.If you live in 1993: Smiths' ..the grocery/erything-store chain

5.nike-owned doc martens'

6.generic soda from CVS

7.me

8.girls who talk so fast they literally skip words to continue talk as fast as they feel the need to. (end in prep. I know..awkward sentence..on purpose...think about it, yo) 9.Watching the movie "Kids" and never being capable of NOT using the word, "Yo" constantly. 9.Nouget (sic?) by itself.

10.fake Old-timey photos

11.hipsters

12.the quality of motorists in Santa Maria, California

13.slathering yourself in an oil of some kind and lying (laying) prostrate all day on the hottest days of the year without any break whatsoever, then sleep in a tanning booth as well.

14.chewing raw garlic daily and in pulic, spitting the remains on your friends.

15. Disco

16.Pantomime horses.

17.dinosaurs (they had a brief heyday of popularity) [Holy shit do ZI hope people realize the joke there...it may renew my faith in humanity]

18.humorless douches

19.uhhhhh......crack?

20.write a blog entry on the tenth anniversary of 9/11 and actually expect that ANYONE is going to read it.

Cheers, --Nick-Gerald Peterson

I speak 2 days before the ear-bleed scream/shout/berate

(note: I write about this today, as I do not want my thoughts about 9/11/2001 to contribute to the glut of conversation about that day (♫"I am stuck on decimals, and they are stuck on me"♪). I am going to watch nothing but pre-recorded television on the anniversary itself...the TV I do watch...I'll probably just get some movies. Simply put, the sensationalism I know will be there will make me angry enough to screw up my day completely. Mass disingenuousness is just about the most disheartening things I have ever experienced in my life more than once. When every car, after a few months to 1 year from the events of the day..then they slowly start dripping away. A very "Infamous" and brilliant man (Anton Szandor LaVey spoke of what he called, very appropriately, "Good-Guy badges" and the need of the conventional/weak to use such devices. My thoughts as to what and who are controversial, etc..but they are mine: I don't choose to express them. I do, however, deny I suppose that there is an intrinsic, and primitive I recall where I was, when those fucking planes hit those fucking towers, one into the Pentagon and one into a field in Pennsylvania. I was asleep: getting close to being late for a class; getting a call from my friend Jeff to wake me for our film class (we are both "A" students..we screwed about so much that we both got "C"s, just passing..because the professor liked us (and we liked him..he was a great man)...is. Anyhow. He grasped the magnitude: I suppose at the moment, I didn't realize what Case realized, he said (I paraphrase: "Your world changed this morning...." He put far better than that, but I recall that the change was the "gist". I have my thoughts, as do we all, regarding that day..what happened and how/why it did.. Ten years on we all have the same questions. We have more information and mountains of analysis from experts of every type don't clear anything properly. We will never know any proper truths (save for when we are capable of literally viewing the past (a thing Einstein felt was possible via the intrinsic nature of Space-time and its' ability to be affected. I want a mustache. I don't want to grow one, or wear one on my face...I just want to HAVE a mustache.. I'll hire a bum to grow one, sign a notarized document declaring his mustache to be MY property. I'll pay him monthly, and provide him with all materials necessary to keep the mustache in supreme condition. (watch a bum try to trade items unchanged since the 19th century on the street for..well....anything; PRECISELY WHY IT WILL WORK.. I have a few friends in mind to ask first..but then....well, who knows? Seriously....please don't get all dumb and re-create some bullshit fervor. We were attacked by Japan and in less than 20 years, they were making most of our consumer electronics and 5 years later most of our cars......chew on it awhile before you decide to spit it out for good..

We were ALL born with hidden gills. TRY

The class of 2000. My god. I cannot think of ...shit; it is just kinda tragic because it just doesn't evoke/relate to much but that which is depressing/disappointing. The pressure placed on ONE graduating class because of our man-made calendar. Those responsible for making the "Class of 200" thing such a big bullshit deal need to be solved. They placed, what became by the end, an absolutely crippling amount of pressure on the kids I knew simply as a result of the year we would graduate. I was first told "You'll graduate from High School in the year 200"!, by a teacher in 3rd grade (I paraphrase, of course..I can't even remember her name..just that her breath was unbelievably disgusting. I am sure most had good intentions; but as it is said: "Good Intentions pave the road to Hell" I see the most promising minds I've known, largely, either a. doing nothing at all, or working menial jobs. Most have 4-year college educations...the "best and brightest" back then, long ago..most, unfortunately, I feel were "expected" out of their initial potential. I know in different ways and for different reasons. I still know. People should be encouraged to keep pigeons (doves)...they are genetically identical. Benjamin Franklin brought them from France as a food-source for American Colonists. We see them as vermin..not the French. They see them, after kept, fed a cleansing diet, ..as potential delicacy, It sucks universally that Europeans know U.S. history, in many cases, FAR better than the average U.S. High School graduate. I don't know...perhaps I am not as correct now, due to exit exams. It disappoints me, more than anything. With my perspective, I see what could have been had all that "encouragement" been framed in a different manner. It makes me hope that the disenfranchised youth I grew up with will all get their chance. And now I dance like the oddest, the queerest, the dearest, your fear the clarity of hue "a pinkish" or pinko, if we actually somehow had all we need, ..as in ALL of us, counting those who die and rust...Granted, that this planet hasn't the strength to stand it, it being the population figures for long...; therefore many must, by standard equanimity of what happens when people over-reproduce (their kids die en masse)

I reallly, really hate moths.

It burns, what burns fire burns as does acid as does the coldest things. SO the cold and the hot both burn...absolute zero and millions of degrees Fahrenheit.....the temperature of lightning. I am somehow still sad...perhaps it is just my general "ilk" to never really at least "let on" that I am happy when I am. I, though, feel sad and tired lately, despite the good that has come to me in many as form. I have no explanation of this: it will pass as it always does. I have to blame the odd weather, this year. Not enough proper seasonality. I agonize over things I can't do a thing about in any way. I agonize now; I usually am able to just worry....but it gets better.. It does get better. It is difficult to know if age gives perspective or if, in fact, we just get dumber everyday in a very specific manner that can be mistaken for wisdom.. When I see people in public that I don't want to see; yet they have their caveman banging two rocks together in their head that produces a spark every 50 attempts, or so..., said undesirable can be seen to "get it", as in "I KNOW THIS PERSON..I TALK TO, HUHUHUHUH. I'd not mind so much were it not for the insufferable length and detail these shits go into about things someone as far-removed as you from them could NEVER care about...; these people never seem to GET that there is a reason they haven't heard from you. I'm not a misanthropist..I just don't enjoy suffering people with low intelligence/inability to elucidate their thoughts through words.. I am just, well, ashamed to be of a type common: human, I'm creating an herbal liqueur/"absinthe"...a very unconventional one. I have lost of reading/translation to do to get everything right; along with a test to get a Chemist Distillers license to legally own and operate a small still. From there, I may simply keep it as something I make in small batches and give away to friends..or sell the recipe if I can get an offer. When it is going to occur, I'll speak more of it. Those of you who are amongst the first to buy our record/s will be the first to receive invitations to tastings, etc. I want a stun gun. --NGP

I exist as every'd primary shame in the history of torment

A missing prince; missing prints: obsessing over singular notion with my shepherds' staff...... I undergo sensory deprivation for the purposes of enhancing perceptions nascent and only as slightly inactive/off enough the touch. My grounding is as dirty as Mexico Citys'' aie... Here is a question..Does the air of a place belong to it? Air moves and never is entirely static and, as we are composed of atomic content once belong to stars...the air/water cycle should be common knowledge. I disgust myself with the fact that I am disgusted with the way I live, at time..the paths of thought I indulge; the permission I give myself to feel sorry for myself;: it is necessary I realize that this is habit alone. The fact that Michael Hutchence is dead pisses me off...it also pisses me off to a small degree that his brothers' name is Rhett: the worst male name conceivable. I wonder how much the average drunken moron would have to be paid to drink a pint of urine. All VERY dark, h0rrid and just..well, challenging? Dysfunction suction; whats' your injunction? Chat and thaw, what is Mwallllalll? Nothing at all, I word/nonword I simply just made up to have more bloody content which to me evokes a Yuban can full of something bloody, dead and far-enougb into decomposition to make me want ot die from what it would, hypothetically, smell of..its' horror of odoriferous attack against you very very very VERY personally

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