trichotillomania / Blog
Who Replaced Reality While I Was Asleep?
I am incredibly tired of seeing commercials for Rx medications for depression that are "quirky", annoying Cartoons . Commercials that use terms, like'I just couildn't shake my depression", or "I could put on a brave face most days"....ALWAYS a female speaking. I suppose AD agencies have too many studies of the typical douchebag american male...as out of touch, and as bent on being a "tough guy" that many will die of cardio-vascular problems by 65 due to self-imposed stress...living up to their own standards of Machismo. I'd like for something to happen to these fools. NOW, TO DISCLAIM AND BE CLEAR: I don't care what makes you happy and what you do..it doesn't change anything about my life until, well..it DOES change/interfere...then, the ultra-insecure, tiny-penised fools who drive/ride/wear/spout their bullshit and get in my way/everyone else's. blog_6_8_11
The next time some about to be in severe pain idiot decides to cut me off in his truck with wheels that require a ladder to get in the car (I live in a town with a large majority of Mexican immigrants...NOT a people who are genetically predisposed to being very tall).... I absolutely am right behind anyone who just likes to work on cars/modify things. In fact, I am that kind of person (don't know much about cars) who took things apart and put them back together as a kid. Basically..to distill it all; I am tired of being surrounded by people who cannot "think their way out of a paper bag"....I seem to be, save for those I am privileged to be around (proportionally not a wide selection in 'these parts' of those who "own" an intellect of any kind. There are more than it may seem, however, ..the problem is that the "more" that exist are so damaged by THIS reality, THIS town...THESE people, that they don't bother to find others of their ilk.... People love, it seems, to pretend they don't make snap-judgements. This is simply not possible for Homo Sapiens Sapiens , unless brain damage has occurred. The base of our brains forces our initial reactions when encountering a new person to do a very set, known and scientifically established set of observations, measurable through increase in blood flow to various regions of the body, increased heart-Rate and blood-pressure and extremely specific patterns of neural activity (not in the brain exclusively, but mostly). To state that YOU,or any person, does not automatically judge is as physiologically true as saying you cannot live without breathing for 20 hours,or live without water,or any moisture for a 6-month period of time. The only things that makes it tolerable are things which are mine, Like Ringo...I can't/won't tell you..but I know its' mine. I refer to the entirety of the complex of things that make me stay reasonably sane. _6-8-11
The Cold War happened because ALL were drunk for ALL of the 1950s
My Grandfather spoke of how much drinking on the job/on the ALL THE TIME, that went on during his time in the military after WWII; he worked as an efficiency expert. His level of access to various things led to some very interesting stories..some of which I'd LOVE to know more about..but some of it will CERTAINLY be top secret still..I have heard things that were unbelievable (more so because it is odd to think of the military doing this kind of research) I know only the sketches of what occurred...but recall some interesting facts. I will write of them when I know more details re: what I speak of.
Anger as soon as fed is dead - 'Tis starving makes it fat. ~Emily Dickinson
who does a naught forget to see, the naught are nothing to you, and are me; I have the decisive replacement conditioning code downloaded, not implemented My ready-to-act mode is activated
That any single sentient entity is so cold, Ramona A. STONE (SEE 1.OUTSIDE By David Bowie)
That someone can simply put on electronic blinders to their committed crime; it embarrasses me. ..and that I am sure some would disapprove, I assume, ..frankly that makes me sick; but what doesn't. I refused a close friends' mother making "all well" monetarily...but I refused, as nobody should pay for anothers' mistakes.
My sinuses hurt: I can feel a weather change...as does my ribcage and knees. The weather is going to, yet again, become absurdly unseasonable. I am tired of this. I need a nap. The pain..as a thing, success-wise...it is brilliant and shining. a monument to its' compatriot ILLnesses. Pain that can exist for no reason other than that which is theoretical is a sleuth, a sly, a un-faced passer-by that is that primary sting; should ring it that cautionary ring..should sing us the ever-wary sin, and bring us, a every-wary tin. Scary skin, sun-scarred, ton of Oil of Old-Age, to permit movement without creating a vision inhibiting cloud of dead-skin. The molesters, pederasts, etc..who have the predilection should be blinded by a white-hot piece of metal being dropped in their eyes....then their genitals burned off (hopefully cauterizing their urethra shut....its' their fucking problem; them them figure it out the next time they need to piss...they will eventually break out a needle/awl/knife to release the "pressure".. I itch to exercise abilities developed to find transgressors, though..I have too much to lose. Were it just me; I'd feel righteous even if incarcerated; but it isn't just me... I wonder if I'd get in trouble if I taught a knife-combat class (using dull props, but ..there are few reasons to know this skill-set. Self-Defense can cover it, kinda, but..it isn't smart to let someone..anyone who you do not trust, close enough to successfully attack you with a knife. Pepper Spray (I recommend Sabre O.C. & Tear Gas blend) will ALWAYS be a better self defense option [distance..duh] than a blade, unless you are an expert knife thrower, of course. I'd like, just as an experiment, to pop Gordon Ramsey in the mouth.., just sucker-punch him in the teeth, not very hard, but hard enough to piss him off..just to see if he'll attack. I hope he would...very violently..as in pull a bare razor from his cheek and start slashing with one hand and throwing punches with the other. The more "ghetto" the better...it'd be funnier still if he pulled a gun and just smacked you in the face with the whole side of the pistol, breaking your cheeckbone and jaw...muttering some incomprehensible English insults, no doubt calling me a "cont" several times before spitting on me and walking away as he straightens his suit and checks for small spots of your blood. --NGP
Slander isn't such if it is the absolute truth.
Those who prefer to act as cowards, to NOT take responsibility.., to be a simple bitch. To not be culpable, honorable, decent, humane, kind or to even fake it for long enough to simply make things right. Rhett: You will be approached one way or another to pay me my money. You STOLE from me...(there is no statute of limitations on emotional trauma)....; and all I asked for was a $200 check to pay for the guitar you stole, you piece of shit. You, are the least screwed up of your siblings, so I can only imagine that your siblings are in prison or dead. I've never seen such a dysfuctional family, and simply don't give a shit about spilling beans about a person nobody REALLY knows. A theif...PROBABLY a junkie, the MOST PASSIVE/AGRESSIVE asshole on Earth. I have no sympathy for a person who can thieve from those who took them in and fed them when they had no where to go. Shame on you to death, you FUCK" I will wait...and wait..and on the day I learn that you got what was coming to you, however it is to come from whomever/however it comes..if you get sick, or if your loved ones are sick....remember what you have done and NOT apologized; not shown any remorse, not expressed a thing but a seeming glee in "getting away" with it. I can promise you, you dumb bastard (true from what I recall).., you cannot hide from your responsibility; I will not stop until I am paid my due $200. You are elongating your potential pain to a retarded degree...you could have done the correct thing (of which there is only 1), but you decided NOT to. I hope you come to your senses before I need to start sending people to you to make you know I am serious, and this is NOT about $200..; it is about taking responsibility..and knowing, that no matter what you do, you WILL. If I need to get a court order to repo your car, wholesale it, and take the money...I will. I WILL NOT lie down. Nobody gets to steal from me without recompense. --NGP
More Jibber Jabber.."What would Chuck Berry Do"?
I don't have the capability to describe the lunacy of the effects of the internet and electronic communication in general (how, we must ask, does the internet further universalize any given person' experience beyond what TV does. Does the interactivity make it more "valid"?...or give it value, rather....and he'd probably take pictures of you using the loo.
If you knew how much I wish I could put every person in the world who has the attention-span, and thus the capacity to survive of the proverbial gnat, into one person...I'd put them in a large decompression chamber.....TAKE them, devise something with reversible ballast to drag them to the bottom of the ocean and back at high speed...put them in a decompression chamber, permit them to think they are having treatment for "the bends"...and at some point (when I feel like it...simply let the chamber decompress REALLY FAST...AND watch said combinatorial miscreant will explode. I would laugh, and likely do a dance......or would I? Hmmm
If you desire survival from natural disasters....get a car that can drive the same route a plane can fly via its absurd all-terrain modifications that you WILL do if you wish to insure your survival. With millions clogging the roads...HOW DO YOU GET OUT?? I just gave you the answer. Don't be a moron and NOT expect most of the apocalyptic hard-on to clear the shelves of all of you local stores of damn-near everything. Start getting food and water now..along with the capacity (ahem) to protect your food and water. Having booze (vodka is a good choice, as it is usually clean enough to use for sterilization and will actually power some multi-fuel generators. Any "luxuries" that are small, and can be hidden/kept safe can likely be traded for life-saving ???. Stock up on bandaging materials.....KNOW HOW TO MAKE FIRE!!! HAVE SOME BASIC TOOLS (a good knife is what means life or death..AGAIN, A GOOD KNIFE IS WHAT MEANS YOUR LIFE OR DEATH..PERIOD., ..IF YOU HAVE AN IMPENDING DISASTER OF THE NATURE YOU'LL BE INSIDE, FILL YOUR BATHTUB/S WITH WATER AND LEAVE THEM, AS YOU MAY BE DRINKING IT SOON. (incentive to keep your bathtub clean). In a mode such as this, a ration of calories daily is 1500 for Women (avg), and 1700 for men..HOWEVER, if you are doing lots of physical labor to prepare your "survival"..you must replenish your calories, or your body will eat you, literally. If you can get them, buy antibiotics. I think that many doctors may be willing to prescribe an emergency amount of some broad spectrum antibiotic for putting into a survival kit.. Start a seedbank. There are many sites that sell "heritage" seeds...which are genetically stable F1 strains, therefore far easier to grow. Learn to grow everything you can that you eat. Grow herbs and spices along with medicines. Aloe and other plants WILL be invaluable as most people don't have the expertise to grow certain medicinal crops (we all know of what I speak)...we must share such knowledge...but selectively. For example: lets not tell EVERYONE how to grow(giving them the seeds), process and make cocaine. I know, personally..if there was a potential point of famine/death..as in very close....I'd bury my head in a brick of coke and die of a heart attack as opposed to starving to death a bit later...so I think it best that cocaine, opiates, etc be grown by select people and not policed or prohibited..but, since BOTH are absolutely necessary for the medical care (in the event of surgery and/or injury as anesthesia)..they can't be squandered on "getting high"....Cannabis, however......come on. In such a scenario, how could anyone really care...not to mention its' medicinal capacity is just as "profound" as the former two mentioned/. I shut up now.
Cpies of me dying ticks apart while I and other
Tons of guns, and life, 'cuz none have a Howitzer behind our walls now,. We sat down to drink, to dull the pain of being too stupid to not have thought, but that now, regretfully, we think. Circling deaths' asshole/drain I wake at exactly the same minutes every cycle. I am awake at 3:27 to take drugs...sometime urinate (which, at the hour, I hate, my taint gets a CRAMP, for fucks' sake...and for all that I despise (the list is too long) and could kill with my eyes;I'd still not let them suffer this way for more than a few minutes. Mercy as a male requires me to shoot him, as that is what he wants at the moment. I might not paint his bathroom walls with his insides..I'll kneecap him to stop the "Gooch" cramp...nobody deserves to go out after having such a cramp, as they have suffered enough. If you haven't had one, (which almost nobody has) I'll get a needle and a spasmodic agent and give you one and record you begging me to kill you (yes..it does hurt that much...like getting kicked in the testes and then having a car battery negative terminal clipped to wet, exposed "in-between" flesh,..one bloodily grasping the perineum, the other on the Glans...THAT is what a cramp there is like. Damp, dripping and shivering with electric aftershocks..in a corner, no need for a prison or handcuffs or locks...as you are broken from your mind outward... Point and "reason/logic" don't work in THIS place. Don't be one of the idiots who lets the shelves go bare when the gullible masses buy crap en masse around the end of next year. Don't be one of "them". Calmly prepare NOW..without having to smash faces to get enough food and water to permit your family to live (not because there is any liklihood of ANYTHING happening on the designated date in 2012; but bet on the masses to be as stupid as they always have proven themselves to be...and for store shelves to be totally stripped. If you don't know what to buy, and can't figure it out (YOU ARE ON THE INTERNET)!!!, you don't deserve to live in my NEVER humble opinion. --NGP
Thoughts Without Title #1
A theme-park for the near-future: a brilliant money-maker. I advise you invest, make a ton, and bail, as this will likely be illegal, somehow...give some lawyer a month or two to read and find that which could directly apply to this and not be disintegrated by all of its' built-in loopholes.
You. You , the filth..the filthy wretched. The gits who don't bother. It is likely, but less likely if you are reading this because you bother to read my things (we'd have, minimally, a better chance at understanding. I can't stand that which surrounds me; well, I can because I have to....at least for a while longer. I wouldn't mind it if I didn't have to have those elements enter my "place of asylum" ..where I sleep, crap, eat and unfortunately spend my days. The problem simply compounded by physical pain, a screaming retarded kid, etc. I have entered a new age of not giving a shit about that which can truly slide; so, screw with me, and you lose your right to know me...fist time. I have forgiven many things, MANY really awful things....only when I feel the person (deceiver) really gives a damn/wants my friendship more than anonymity re: their giant indiscretion. . It'd be easy were this all a fantasy..., but now, the only way to get there now is a botched suicide attempt that makes me retarded.Don't get me wrong , anywhere...I am not currently capable of dying , giving some the satisfaction that they beat me: that THEY, moronic fucks, could actually get over on me. If I end up dead in a manner out of my hands, KNOW that I WILL haunt you, to the point of madness and then, inevitable suicide, those of you who know damn-well who you are...and will see this (you still bother to read my thoughts, how touching) ...I wait and watch, the form disappears into dust, ...it seemed to see a full-length mirror and ran toward it with abandonment of all that which was ever earthly, and left in the floor was a pile of pebbles and sand, on my mirror, a faint dusting of outline of a man-shaped thing.
Neptan Trafalgar:A random few pages copied while there was time to go undetected
I was their trophy-"associate" I am tired now, but not sleepy in the least. I am tenderized meat; enzyme-sick: the flesh corrosives in the Tirade Range (elevation 90,000 meters)..I climbed the biggest volcano there, with the intention of, maybe (depending on how I felt when I got the to summit. I didn't ever think they would/could follow me there..but, as soon as I climbed on the highest drift, I could, and did see them sitting hot Cocoa under a therm-regen fabric tent (you know how much that crap costs...sitting under 50 million bones worth of absolute cozy warmth. I could hear the ion-wall generator humming from this distance, which meant nothing, as every single surface here is reflective of light, sound, everything...I was fucked.
...Until I saw a big-fucking-rock, about to fall, about 50 meters to my right and a nice slope lay below it.. I tied a line to an ice-screw, latched up with it, and threw myself, shoulder first..into the boulder..it slid at an exponential rate after it began to move, which almost gave me a brain-hemorrhage, but once its' weight picked up momentum on the ice...I essentially watched ninety foolish enemies be crushed to death by a big fucking rock....it travelled so fast that it didn't need anything to crush you AGAINST...it hit you, and them you were bones-fragments and fluid flying through the air. I wish I'd had a camera... I drank some Coffee, and indulged myself in a hand-rolled cigarette while I watched people shooting at the rock as it approached; at which I bellowed loudly aloud (TV, for those who remember it, NEVER was THIS awesome. Some of the ones' who looked scared, ..well, I've been scared as much as anything: I did them the courtesy of a hippocampus shot from the auto mini, which was my favorite piece of "kit"...you could even use it to get online via the WWGS(World-Wide Geosync Satellite)...a Godsend to soldier in the field who just needed some porn, or just a simple chance to see, just a video clip, or, if the weather is right, actually get realtime interaction with "real" women.. (the Grunts didn't consider their female infantry counterparts, who fought as hard as anyone in The Late Scavengers' War, viable to 'screw'...they wanted long hair, makeup and the curves of a well-Fed woman, not a Soldier-girl, feminine, and willing to indulge these near-psychosis weary soldiers). It was necessary, in the field, the have the females who were not being dosed with suppressives (the hardcore warrior-harpes cared nothing about the possibility of their ovaries shriveling up and their development of beards, etc..Literal hair on the palms. These women, predominantly, were eventually put to death out of mercy. as the suppressive turned out to , in the long term caused something akin to the final stages of syphilis; except they were always violent..without exception.
as well as made heroes of a few hundred women after we won the war (Tectonic-Plate shit is a bitch..but it is nobodies fault. As a native Californian; I see very little reason why our GIANT economy is deserved by the rest of this horrific damned place. California has its' economic status despite the fact that a small percentage of our net gains, yearly, are due in ANY way to imported/goods/commodities brought in from elsewhere. Our thing is tech. Tech requires what California has in abundance already. A real, solid and planned attempt proved successful, because the gun was NOT jumped. If all MEN are created equally, then, all ideas and business ventures should have the same opportunity..especially since we have people using their Personal AI to do their work for them, in every setting...and as there is no legislation existing that addresses, or even acknowledges the existence of A.I.., there is a long legal shitstorm about to ensue. I am on my way to Switzerland by way of Austria, as I have people I' like to see there. Feel Me? --Neptan Trafalgar
One of these days, You'll laud all of it....that which it makes you privy to..
Am I just at a Dead Mans' Party, or am I just far too stoned and having Delirium Tremens or maybe I am in the dream of death (the essential afterlife, as real as this, likely)...however : all signs point to me being still alive...were I dead, asleep or in a coma I wouldn't perceive the physical pain I have..
Spring needs to get here
If you want to experiment with your tolerance of the humans, etc. you may live with, I suggest taking your door off for a period of 6 months and keeping an "irritation journal" to be written in at moment s of being extraordinarily pissed off that your barrier is non-existent I have the solace of knowing that I will be getting out of here, getting married to the Woman i Love and be rid of this bullshit soon enough...but I will never abide assholes and their methodology. Tether Floozy stinks of Nair, and maybe Nairobi, ..but I've not been off of the continent I live on...unfortunately...were I fat would I be jolly?...or just folly of myself...the fat nick who was the kid who couldn't do anything but lose weight. No one lives forever, but I sure as shit can try to cheat nature...whats' the worst that can happen when that is necessary? Death?!...no there are plenty of things way worse than death. Death is average, boring, relatively un-bothersome, as we all do it eventually..but, as long as one takes care of oneself and do your best...when you die is out of your hands, largely. I hate that I have to hold YOU responsible (the "Royal" you) for most of the bullshit I have to deal with along with the the fact I turn on the radio, MTV, VH1, internet radio damn-near anywhere that focuses on that which is suitable for mass-consumption. Fuck the masses. Trichotillomania is not and like never will be for mass-cpnsumption (unless we are deliberately infecting people with a tuberculosis-like disease sonically) to quote the great Elfman in Oingo Boingo (I hope that can be clear enough..as in he kinda irritates me, but Oingo Boigo was so good that he will always be awesome due to the merit of past work).. "From my Heart and from my hand, why don't people understand"? Why? Because they are stupider than the average pile of shit... My fiancee and that which I seek out book and 'media-wise" is enough for me.....I'd love to simply be away from population centers to simply have some time to relax....to not feel the invasion of energgy, the general chaotic static that is modern, urban living. I slept for no more than 15 minutes at a time over 12 days in the Tenderloin District of San Francisco...(those of you who know the rep of the area, I was not on any drugs save for the benadryl I was taking to try to sleep)....the fact that there was no time, ever where things were totally quiet destroyed me.. I have thought for years that my mother was poisoning me..I know it to be true, at least in the figurative. My nephews..fuck it Had the firearm not been invented, we'd have only 6/8ths the metaphors we have...no? Take sex and we have 2/8. Poop, Farts, bodily functions?: 1/8 Newspeak or new-tweak..substance D or consistency? It makes me erect to take your rights from you; I am a man wearing a potato as underwear Pistol-whip the dead Rate hike, spew spikes I am a man who, another day iI never know if I can survive, NATO cavalcade rolls by my neighborhood dope-circle, RAID...10,000 junkies seize and die cold turkey....a few hundred get clean (Fallacy of Impossible Precision)..., maybe 100 for good...the rest to learn that having been hit by the white light has damaged them for good...: taints the desire to "improve oneself" Disprove My Wealth...as then I'd have some in the monetary sense; which is where it needs to be, as I'm getting married. My chance at being away from all hat ricochets around my head with constancy... Waiting for a cross to be erected on my lawn.
"What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way"? -Kelly Bundy
A dream of more dreams of inane content.. Has to be of this kind, the 1 percent I resent, the 1 percent I recall of my dream, Motorcycles will fall. I wonder what biker "clubs" will be when there isn't a drop of gas to be had...are there diesel motorcycles...? I wouldn't know as I don't understand why EVERYONE insists on SEGMENTATION of EVERYTHING.
It, I presume, is the average Americans' way of subjugating all they hate without having to say it. and be indicted as a racist/sexist/homophobe. I hate that Santa Maria is such a damned backwater (mentally and re: mentality...) that when a bastard, murderer de facto asshole military recruiter calls; or anyone else for that matter, and tries to bong with me over sports. ....Upon telling said dipshit that I don't care for sports: certainly not watching them...I have gotten a few replies..mostly, people will say something to the following effect: "Thats' cool..not everyone can be into sports. [about 50% of the time, a jibe about how small-framed + tall/perception of weakness I am`joked with about...HAHAHAH-fuckling HA [is what I am fantasizing repeating to you as I imagine cutting your throat]. BUT...far worse, is when, in this case it was a local moron of an Army recruiter. Two brains cells to rub together for heat, this guy didn't own....yet they made him get on the phone and call people to get them to enlist. He brought up sports. I politely told him I didn't play or follow any sports...that I was a musician and artist and never had much interest in any competitive sport. him: "What? Huh? .. (sighing long pause) you don't like sports"? me: "I hate them. Every reason I was excluded during my childhood was because I wasn't good at whatever game at school was being played...I was chosen last because I was white...but also small....I'd still, no matter what, have been chosen last because I am white... at which point he started to chuckle and stopped himself". me:" EXCUSE ME"? The fact I didn't like Football and Baseball I think broke this guys mind. He was literally a sputtering, suspicious of me, utter idiot with NOTHING else to say...so I directed the rest of our brief conversation. 'Is it really that hard to believe that someone isn't into sport and doesn't waste their time caring about something you obviously center your life around"? him:"Yeah..I never met nobody who 'int' into football" He shook out of his vocal cords slowly...like he was speaking to a bloody Extra-Terrestrial. Me: "Look, I can forgive you if that is all you have..I don't judge people for their interests or lack thereof..,but do NOT do that, or I'll have to have a word with your superior". him: "Ugh , well...that is good". And, then, certainly written on a card laminated to the desk he sat at were the words: "I am sorry for bothering you (Sir/Ma'am)..on behalf of the U.S. Army, have a wonderful day.". click.
Hacyon Days, Make the sting go away...
Lets' take a look My glassies are in pieces, and I rolled a joint with the receipt. Yeah..it has to be amputated and ground into sausage.
Are these the Halcyon days? Or do I just need to take a whole lot of Halcion? Theres' nothing I can feel or see that makes me believe anyone has it any coser than they did 5 or 10 years ag/...the same people..; the same are begging me for insight again. I tell them I know no more than they do and to get some professional help......I am at a loss and too bust reassembling that which is to be something of value. I never stopped being me: so I have no personality to reconstruct..just a whole lot of songs,
My ass just wants some peace, to NOT be called by people to "Just say hi".. Telecom is easy and available...but, seriously..How fast do you think I'll hate you if you call me, over ANY distance to literally "JUST SAY HI"...please just do not...anyone who might. txt me or email me...do NOT call me with "Hi " Me: Whats' Up" You: "Nothing". Just please don't unless you want me to die young.
