trichotillomania / Blog
Always dismember the little people...
All of that wihch makes me ME....I feel that all of those elements of myself were eaiser to "be". It is hard to be me on a number of levels; I try to make it easy on those around me for whom I care..those I Love....I often fail. I often find that in order ot be what it seems reality expects me, or of me...requires more than I am capable of. Unfortunately: it begs the question: how important is your individuality to you? Also....what IS your individualoity. I am not 100% sure that I know the answer to that question any longer. I think I am cold to the world because it has been, in my perception, very cold and unkind to me. I do, at every instance of "notice", as in when I notice a behavior/decide to do something I wouldn't do as rote....I notice that less matters each time than before.....no; that doesn't describe it. There is an enormous problem with his logic stream....it doesn't fit reality. Reality is something entirely subjective. Certain parties now have to decide whether the holding of a lie forever. I don't think it matters after some point as long as a person is (is isn't strength, but intelligence of ones' self);..it is necessary to examine the self constantly to have any knowledge of how YOU fit into PRESENT reality. There are things that happen: events. Then there are things that are alleged to have occurred. Now, thes are two highly different things; however....there is a truth: a binding truth between those who know the truth, and those who absolutely believe the person alleging. It makes me lose more faith in mankind that the culpable are simply too damned weak to come to terms with what have done and simply: for once: tell the truth. I have no action I can take....only fuel to my fire....; and maybe someday, a man will exist in the shell if a thing lumbering and clumsy; a person I do not know but once was the closest person on the planet to me. I have been forced to simply forgive some pretty horrible things. There are some things that become dificult/impossible to forgive...this is one of those. As ,many a person would tell you: those close to me): I am,capable of great forgiveness if it feels that (1)the person is genuinely sorry for having deliberately wronged me (2)the closeness of the person to me comes into play as an aggregate/unknown that only a bit of time can reveal,(3)The severity of the lie, and the willingness to continue the lie...this makes the person an essential "un-person") There are things that I am not going ot discuss as they involve MANY more people, have the capacity to fuck up lives, etc...but; I wish a mans word was worth a damn these days.. It, ones' word....makes no impact...has no import. I cry for humanity at this. --NGP
Mémoires et confusion émotives de Noël.
Christmas.. Oddly enough: the magic it used to have is dead upon the addition of religion. Whenever I would visit my fathers' parents...I felt not just uneasy, but depressed and feeling simply guilty. I enjoy a non-religious X-mas as opposed to a religiously beaten in, Oh a guy was butchered for your sins: have some Cider and a present..HAPPY FUCKING DAYS!!. HOW CAN I ENJOY CHRISTMAS WHEN IT GOES FROM BEING A FULLY SECULAR, JOYFUL TIME OF SIMPLE FAMILY TOGETHERNESS AND RENEWAL OF BONDS BETWEEN THE ENTIRE FAMILY "UNIT"..... I became nothing but scared when bloody Jesus was thrust in my face as a MUCH bigger part of the entire experience. I started to dislike Christmas at about then exactly. EXECUTION AND DEATH AND THEN RESURRECTION, etc.., rather the birth of one who supposedly went through ALL of these things that DO NOT MAKE SENSE. I found it cruel then, as I do now to realize that a rather gruesome layer was being added to my experience and what I knew of the "Story" of Christmas, and NOT with the sanction of either of my parents.....my grandmother, recently dead, decided to traumatize me and; take a guess what I had nightmare about all night...?? Being nailed to a cross and drying and going to Hell forever....to ascension for me, as I wasn't a Christian...not a "stated" believer...not one who had "accepted Jesus into his heart" NOW take a step back: How insane is that if you can, honestly step back far enough (many Christians cannot, I am sure of this). To put it simply: To deform a thing that was pure and beautiful and wonderful as simple family togetherness and Love without judgement...universally putting all disagreements aside to simply be a family......THIS WAS..WAS prior to my Paternal grandmother staining Christmas with imaginary blood of who I see as an historical figure.., but..I think he may have had a "direct line" to something otherworldly..perhaps "divine"..I don't know and I feel that there is an arrogance to those who decide to have the audacity that a measly human, 1 amongst (on this planet) 7 Billion... I find it to be a question that I feel people need to consider;; however it is something to which there is NO answer in any traditional sense. There is only faith.., and for FAITH to inspire such hatred, violence, TERRORISM,, sectarian violence. I can say, without having to check any statistics, to KNOW that the largest manmade/man-borne reason for people killing other people comes down to that which can be classified as religion, sect/ethnic(supported by faith) or Faith-based violence. I give you these as the examples of why, at large, I am disgusted that I have to exist as a human being. I will write an opposing BLOG...that which makes me proud. I am simply stating my thoughts and hope it provokes at least 1 new thought in you. I'd ask you to add this thought..any thought you have, on our BLOG. You, EVERYONE has my personal invite to post their thought...they have always had that invite: nobody has ever which makes me feel like garbage..; that is another BLOG Happy New Year, Everyone, --Nick-Gerald Peterson
UNEDITED MADMAN WRITING
everyday I wake, do the same things....I think routine is a good thing...but I am not where I should be. I writenobodys' sake...not even my own.. I write like a guy with a weak bladder urinates all over himself...It comes out, the apes clap, I get check and spend it on death. I see people portrayed by actors in commercials and in real life and I just want to take a shit on them....,or start throwing feces vomit and every disgusting, infectious, horrible, stinking, emetic thing on the planet at htem to CURE them of their perfection. FUCK PERFECTION....the only thing that matters is IMPERFECTION...the right KIND of imperfection is the definition of beauty. Perfection is a bullshit ideal that nobody can achieve save thro foto-shop; I go to flop-houses just to sleep...to see true ugliness makes me sure I am still alive. My dreams have a sheen. This last night, mere hours ago...I was dreaming that I was somehow either young or my father. I was in a condo, or apartment with him..living there I presume....I was living there... I hop'e whereever my father and Kurt Cobain are...that they are happy..; that they fiinally; all the ones who couldn't find their content place inside this life, can find it in what comes after. I cried for 30 second, roughly, when I learned that my dad was dead. I didn't cry for years thereafter. I want to go a X-mas slaying....murdering, decaying. NOT a person, who has half a mind, perception of that which IS, and cannot be denied, save for the douchebags who do, and then, (if irony were a law, which itr should be...if it ewre, people would fucking LEARN the first goddamned time...they'd not cling to a retarded notion...; they would assimilate their experience properly and with sense as opposed to simple, simple simple simple....FUCK simple...NOT a fucking athing is simple....if you quibble: MAYBE you are that which is is simple...if not, you see the point. order forever lazy..foeverlazy....sound like a junkies' dream....just h altered to accomodate a diaper..or a removable assflap to permit the soiled, shit on assflap of your previous "DDruggie" can be washed and changed out with another, clean one, which will be covered in your waste soon enough. I see fotos of the trip I took between 7th and 8th grade...I first flew to Trenton, NJ..was nearly fucking chokeed as I came off into the terminal with the amazing, literally visible pall of cigarette smoke...Stayed in Jersey with cousins who, when I was 14 were in their 50's....they did their best, and I had a good time...but..shit, had I been there with people younger...I can only imagine. I see, in a photo I took on our way to the statue of liberty of the "twin towers"....very strage feeling...stragelet of feeling. Gunne4d And lo and behold: you are a liar. You have NOT and will never until your death (and your guilt WILL admit the same......you belong belong right next to those who
There is no choice but ot..bury my memory of my enmity.
If memory serves: my first class in "High School" was English w// Mr. Yanez. He made everyone introduce themselves in various ways: by answering a few questions verbally...one was "What is your favorite movie". EVERY girl in the class replied that "Clueless" was their favorite movie. I doubt any of them understood that it is MAKING FUN OF THEM..but C'est,la vie.
Today is that man/woman/boy or girl
Were we all like some, were be all dumb, blind, deaf and numb, a crumb on the beard of realities' belching, vomiting, molten vitriolic hatred boiling DIRECTLY beneath your feet all of the time... There are multi-tendriled worms of people who do a simple thing...oh so seemingly unobtrusive.....: they get a tip of a tendril into some, small, seemingly unobtrusive area and, like water..like water drips into thinks and settles in cracks too small to see. When the weather gets bad..the water becomes ice....and since WATER expands when frozen..it pushes the pieces apart by their simple presence. Things and people like this are NOT welcome in my life..my extension or otherwise. People like this need to be locked in isolation for whatever period of time will make them damaged, instead of the agents of damage. I think that there is a direct correlation between the quality of musi... I wan to kill people who sing along with the "Happy Birthday" song ON their OWN birthday....I want to grab the device being used to serve cake and shove it in their neck for the self-celabratory gesture. It is disgusting! I hear static coming from the masses at this point: these are simply too many....no prevailing trend can exist in such a HUGE sample group....it requires an agorithmic filter....a distiller of information....(if you ever read this, Wayne W., I'd ask you first if you could code it..???) The imagination hates me; I dream that every kunckle on my body, and every joint is covered by a dastardly painful swullen, pus-fulled, infectious blisters............
I feel the ache of 1000 deaths in my bones, My head aches with 10000 crawling parasites Nematodes, Caring for lice as pet a Lice Circus instead of one with fleas...how much actual difference could there by...I am sure related they are of the same class/code: they platy the same part of the symphony... somehow...sucking and sanguine.....we all know how. It honestly is a shitty thing that when I write something that is truly special..that is places me into precarious emotional territory..., but does it matter? I'm not sure if anything REALLY matters, intrinsically...but things matter to people...; I know there are too many things that matter to me; so much so, my head simply throbs with pain at the pressure. --NGP
With Mezcal on the side
I am on a leash. I hold the leash. I make a speech, outside of "myself", I tire too fast and uninpred the last of my minions with a fit and a spat, and shit and a shower of broken glass. Staying fast, I travel several thousand miles in a few days without moving at all.... I really kinda dislike Bob Dylan..his music can be acceptable in the right setting; but he is an asshole, ...I've met at least 5 totally dispirate from each other who all claim him to be a prima-donna asshole dickhead. I'd rather hang out with Jakob, even though the Wallflowers are barely listenable in my opine. Well...no, I giess they are alright....I'd be remiss in casting judgement as I only have listened to "the hits" on the radio, etc...I should bother to hear their album, deep album tracks...off to now. I found something better for the now moent: Paul Bibbins...holy god..he is amazing....an original truly: not many of us left I am bereft and digress and digest that which I hear.....and aboutto take a pull from my older than I 20-inch ROOR, as I could easily die in manners too graphic and none of your damnable business to begin with...to infringe on my privacy, indoctrinate the Libersteins accross the street instead of KNOCKING on MY bloody door (It's covered in blood...not a figure of speech.,...or is it?? People will one day have bio-lunescent films, which use your resident ATP to power them, so no betteries would ever be needed..If something went wrong: you would either take a capsule that would, for 12 hours, introduce an enzyme into your system to permit uour body tosimply absorb the thing.
People, like I who are poierced in their ears (actually..come to think of it...I think, due to having a "large-enough" (10 gague ) conch piercing...it would be easy to alter existing jewelry to permit my bluetooth earpiece to not get llost for the 3 or 4th time...I twist my head around to make sure the isn't a car in the lane I am trying to merge into.., and , it smacks the oposing side rear window and it lost for months.
"Inglourious Basterds" (Tarantinos' version....hence the spelling) should be watched in High School History classes. The absolute most fuckered thing in the world to do to a man (I only excluse women as I can only imagine the passage would not be as painful due to the lack of "outdoor plumbing"..just my assumption) but, as revernge/punishment: develop a horror of a revenge drug that would induce the body to create kidney stones that...well...guess what, home-fries: You have to pass them. Now: a nice-guy would give the guy a "gift-pack" of morphine syrettes (or just nurse Usherettes, stock with narcotics), deep in their Bodice: for which they force you to search with your hand and closed eyes and demands or a loaded handgun...or upholster their entire bathroom so they don't split their head open when they pass out from the pain (precisely what I did on my first passage of The Cape of Infierno del Riñón...or is is called Cabo Pene De La Sangría....; I think it is known by both names. --NGP
Similar to the Coronation of the Son as the New Monarch
I bleed my conceit, and arrogant deception, description and inception of in fect I have the FULL-ON blues at the moment,...too many years of too much mashed-up and contorted reality does that to anyone whgo thinks they are actually alive See me allow the tallow the tinge and binge; as everyman knows it; the desire to light a fire to simply FUCKING watch it burn.
below the shallow fungal-dark waters I spring a tube through to not becomes blue...... I esist as something stealth tonight to finish the destruction of those thing without Extreme Unction
If this deductionj is clear, ...I will have nothing to fear...,
I may have to express/impress (atempt to that is))...
I can only use faith in the equilibrium of stupidity and rationality now
I see nothing but doubt in my damned close triumvirate with sly some they won't refuse (but will not now be offered if by me received a portion....respect is all I desire: simple Human to Human respect. If I make any money from MY creation I will keep said monies....there is nobody I owe a cent to aside from my credit card co. It is not the end though; Child Protective Services will, as soon as I leave, will soon relieve my brother and mother of custody of the child they demonstrate lack of capacity to deal with..the child kicks my dog when others are not watching...has, I've, in the last month caught his leg mid-kick twice. He is a monument to an asshole....since he has no name here, and no capacity to read..he will (since his father called him a retard to HIS FACE last weekend!!) IT is 11, now with the mind of a 2-year-old I have no desire to not play the same game as others, just for the PHUCK of all of it... Tell, me public who never EVER responds to a good-goddamned fucking thing (thanks for simply NOT taking 3 minutes to write someting on this BLOG...it really amkes me happy that I am ALL ALJONE. (Hint Hint),,...FUCK!!!!!!
My idiot brother and my idiot mother disgust me more than I cna possibly espress. ' I ma often asked why I write about suc "ugly" things"....
I reply thusly, "LIFE IS RATED XXX...if yopu can't tkae it, simply pay NO attention to that which occurs ouitside of your puritanical "idiot bubble" I have work to do.......know of what speak before you open your mouths. please....PLEASE!! --Nick-Gerald
Another age of reason we need in desperation.
Cholesterol; infested digestion, Trichina worms Molested, detested intercession harms, or burns, starves then laughs, staves of wooden glass and here turns a desert mother-ship....I 'm not allowed the luxury of disdain any longer than this reversal; It is an inversion layer again, ..;resolute in my mission, my incisions my derision in submission i kneel to something...I kneel in figures; There are staves of wood, of plastic, of the once alive plastinated; the once described, alive, sublime, then desecrated but reborn in ideas and IDEALS.. I repeal my notions when they are needed and shown. I see my DE-generation being nothing but stoned. The principles, incidentals, Christ would rent you as his example of those who just don't fucking get it. . I am of a sort, though, locked up but committed no crime..I am in prison in my mind: a decisive warrant for my destruction waits and flits around until the Bureau of whatever receives the directive forwards in triplicate the order for my death to another agency inside, ..; they then forwArd further purposeless paper to a thousand times a thousand places for the rubber stampy; feel long, hard, crampy...that is what it is like to be me at the right time...: you'll find yourself waiting in the Postal Office awaiting your turn to be raped; they would provide Amyl Nitrate, you Fight-rate, high payed (for the damn-near NOTHING you cashier fucks actually do; you should be forced to make up your wages by wresting in shit...human preferably, or whatever is more disgustingly awful. Whenever it is a situation where I am waiting to ..
I am interrupted by the attack of aerosols and gaseous fumes, fumes if you too are stupid equate asphyxia inside sand-dunes your tongue is getting numb...Chloral Hydrate, Nitrates of various ilk, dastardly filaments; unaccounted-for pain, in your organs. hear the wretch of their handbrake on the dispatched car which took only as long as it has taken to type from the start of this paragraph. My phone is a auto, 10,000 times a second jumping spook...I am a ghost to those who attempt either triangulation (artillery-style) will be chasing a stuffed rabbit. I am the perfect stone of loan, I am the granted honed-up blade the icy cascade; the meteor, the seething, mad, screaming turk who in 1977 prevented David Bowie from sleeping: I am weeping at the congress of events...it isn't now;...I see it down the path. HOWEVER, I HAVE SEEN IT< I HAVE GLEANED ITS' VITALITY, ALL OF THE INSIGHT I NEED FACTUALLY, to unnaturally effect, and affect, subject. Dire consequences may await: BUT UNCERTAINTY is my shield full of holes....MY POSSIBILITY, my IN-CONGRUENCY ⁃ I feel like there are too many horror stories to tell to bother...as in the one l nights ago when kids were getting kick pretending to push a stroller (pram) into the street in front of cars...I knew I was going to fast...they mistimed it with me...but the truck behind me had its' drier screaming "YOU fuckers, fuck you"! and hold down his horn in anger at the scare they gave him. THIS IS WHAT KIDS END UP DOING for fun WHEN THEY LIVE IN PLACES LIKE SANTA MARIA, CALIFORNIA. ⁃ This place has drawn pain indescribable from me; I shudder to think of that which it has done to those who do not make it their first mission in life to escape this BLACK HOLE....something no light can from escape. to which all around is pulled toward until it is crushed in every imaginable manner.....my early Death wait here like all the "unlit minds" replete with ill-derived, conceived and no reprieve as you will someday know manipulations of words of power so YOU then the wielder. Fuck You, fuck you, no rape you dead, rapist Town, Santa Maria. ⁃ It seems that only a place named after the "Mother of God" could end up so deranged. I, for one reason or another, can construe and continue hatred for THIS place. ⁃
Full frontal insanity
, action equaling distraction from TALKING ENDLESSLY instead of acting. When actors badly pretend to be soldiers: I want to kill them...show them what hand to hand, life or death combat really is, have, you been shot at? I haven't,..I've a loaded cocked revolver against my head. It was held by my hand and I was 10 years old. And 11, and 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20...I was ready every goddamned time. I would smile thinking of my brains sliding down the wall; my consciousness coming to a halt...seeing a white light and getting to die, finally. It is relief to not feel such a need Life is different now.,..everyone dies; I just know tat it , for me, will not THIS way occur. I am, though;..I am not afraid to die, really. I lost any capacity to permit myself the fear that goes along with what IS the truth for everyone. YOUR LIFE COULD END at ANY time. To calculate the probability is masturbation. The only thing to do is to either OFF yourself or MAN the FUCK UJP. Were I to live for as long as they say I maybe could....I have only 90 years of this. I am one who has experienced 4 years in the space of 7.?? hours. I was born, lived and died as a child with brown hair, a little boy, who ..I, died of stomach cancer. I felt every detail...experienced everything. I recall "my Mother", her flaxen hair, long, done up, simply, with bobby-pins, hair. She wore lots of flowing white. It suited her. "My father" was a man, who if he had to be described, looked a little bit like Eric Stoltz, but with darker, more medium-brown hair. He couldn't look at me without crying after I got sick. I know no details like names or places...I had the perspective of a child. I will speak of this more if asked. If you don't give a shit...don't....glad the rest.; would rather spout bullshit than speak to a mute, and unresponsive as if I were talking to a wall audience. FEEDBACK.....I make a well-pickuped' guitar do it so well I can ,ake it sing the star spangled banner for you, but I can't DO IT AT ALL, NONE OF IT. I AM LAYING IN A HOTEL HALLWAY bleeding to death and you walk by as I speak, "Call 911" while coughing out my lungs. I am borne, infected as bastard-fake host of the insurrection I didn't know existed to blow and spread the spores for the whomever and whatever terror organization WHORE, what a fucking bore. Turn on the news get the down-home Delta-Helluva Helter-Skelter Melted Blues. Don't Confuse...You are just being used I am in a place that know no bounds of any kind. Death-row or superstardom are equally likely places for me to exist in/at/of the end of the "day" that will be 2012. ...., accomplishments. I am asked fir accomplishments. I got some more scars. I am forbidden, by law, to talk about that which I feel I must with family members as per my chance of losing my inheritance.....an ugly, or wrong word spoken is enough...and then I am disowned...legally. I do plan to maybe change my name, as it is simply not mine. Peterson belonged to the man whose namesake I am, My Grandpa Peterson; who was an amazing, loving, ABSOLUTE GENIUS of a variety that simply isn't "made" any longer. That we were not genetically related made it, to me all the more VITAL and INCREDIBLY Special that we shared such incredibly close interests. I didn't know when I was a very small child (3?) that the thing he was building and working on in the corner was using and would be a huge part, in the technology he was using, ..early incarnations of MIDI, which he replaced with newer and newer and better, etc, incarnations of the tech. He had REAL instruments attached that were trigger-able (are still; it resides at The California Polytechnic Institute At San Luis Obispo., AKA, Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo. If ever, the organ were not held in esteem and bothered to be maintained; I would be VERY quick to obtain a court order mandating that it be released into my custody,