Forbidden Knowledge interrupts its quest to take over the world by introducing a new blog segment featuring special guests. Today's blog come from The Laughing Man. Oddball? Yes. Anonymous globe trotting jacket button collector? Yes. Truthful? Absolutely. We'll be quiet now. Here's The Laughing Man...
Greetings, fellow mammals and followers of Forbidden Knowledge. I come to you today to bestow upon you useless wisdom, angled insight and to report on The Laughing Cow Light Creamy Swiss Cheese spread. As I sit on Broadway and Clark here in Chicago with Forbidden Knowledge (by the way, if you haven't bought the album "Urbanismz, you're missing out and you run the slight risk of mischievious spirits shaking your feet as you sleep, whenever that may be), I realize that Nino Arobelidze has a penchant for unfriending people on Facebook on their birthdays, depending on how often she interacts with them. If you've been unfriended by her, more than likely, you're either a self serving gossip monger who wants to be known by her when she's rich and famous, or you're a creepy male earthling who tends to stalk her while not saying anything until she posts a photo of herself. In any case, I, The Laughing Man, am here to tell you to stop it, in either case. I also noticed that Pablo Gordy doesn't say anything at all unless he's addressing passerby robins and pigeons, sometimes simply exclaiming, "Bird. Bird. Bird. Bird..."
Anyway, as the duo sits and refuses to answer questions set forth by yours truly (I still don't know why they refuse to answer why there's a fake parrot on Nino's shoulder and a makeshift halo above Pablo's head while he holds a pitchfork), the group's introverted nature does not overshadow the fact that "Room 917" is blaring from a boom box behind Nino, effectively disturbing the flow for mid-afternoon outdoor consumers at Panera. Wait, Pablo is now holding the boom box up while smoking a strawberry Phillie Blunt, sort of like John Cusack in "Say Anything..."
The Laughing Cow Light Creamy Swiss Cheese spread is so good, this has to be the reason why Napolean went to Waterloo. Seriously, folks. It's that good. No lie. Now, if you'll excuse me, we have to go now because we're in danger of getting arrested for disturbing the peace and there's a clown car emptying out in front of us.
Until We Meet Again, The Laughing Man
Chapter 4 - Screw Up Someone's Car: Don't do the sugar in the gas tank thing. It's unimaginative, shallow and predictable. Option 1 - Drill a hole in the windshield. Spray a can of expandable foam through the hole (the foam expands up to 30 times in size and hardens fairly quickly). Option 2 - Exotic fruit in the tail pipe. If using mangos, cut them in half first. Bananas work best because they leave a hilarious trail when your victim drives off. Option 3 - Paint the headlights. If your target is an atheist, paint images of Jesus on the headlights. If you're not sure, just paint the headlights black.
Chapter 1 - Dancing on Stilts: Find two reliable 2X4 pieces of wood at least four feet in height. Attach velcro to suction cups and paste the top parts to your feet. Nail the other pieces to the wood. Stand outside of a second floor window and gently lower yourself after putting on your Uncle Sam outfit (if you're a woman, be sure to attach a fake mustache, unless you're over 60). Put a boom box under your shirt blaring out old jazz standards and raise your hands as you walk. Smile.
Chapter 5 - Become a Fake Medium: Buy lots of candles. Use extremely dim lighting and burn incense to the point where it hurts your customer's eyes. Offer a drink and say that it's included in the price. Ask if the person you are 'channeling' is male or female and their general age group. Finagle the name of the person to be 'reached' out of your soon to be drunk customer. As soon as she/he is sauced enough, make very wide eyes and begin speaking incoherently and sometimes inaudibly. Have a few friends shine flashlights when you are 'done'.
Chapter 18 - Tease Zombies: Steal a fake brain from a laboratory. Find a large crowd of zombies and hook the brain to a fishing pole. Fling the brain out of a second floor window and wait for zombies to gather. Slowly raise the brain and lower it. This should not take much effort because the normal zombie's vertical leap usually does not exceed 1".
Chapter 17: Spoofing Your Own Promo: Rent a room in an obscure location, complete with unnecessary lighting and self caring plants. Hire eccentric shepherds to curl your hair with heated staffs and bless you as they would their sheep. Make sure you have the chops to be convincing enough to pass as an opera singer even though what you may be singing is simple frontier jibberish.
Chapter 17c:take a bath in the home you're burglarizing: Know the layout of the house to make sure you can find the bathroom with merely a flashlight so you don't have to turn any lights on. Also, be aware of any pets. Example: Chihuaha - Yes. Rottweiler - Flee. Avoid excessive use of candles. They'll just put you to sleep and you'll be easily captured.
Chapter 17b -Gaslighting. Make People Doubt Their Sanity: Before going on vacation with someone, buy three pairs of the same slippers or sandals in different sizes, preferably two sizes apart. Every morning, change the slippers/sandals to make your target think their feet are shrinking or growing. Always use the right size at the end of your vacation.
Chapter 17a - add missing limbs to street signs: Be sure to purchase a black 2" wide tip Pilot Marker (Tagging Instrument). Do not use shoe polish bottles because they not only look tacky when applied to shoes, they will wash off easily on metal street signs. If you're under 5' 2" tall, be sure to bring a friend to hoist you up if you can't find a newspaper container nearby. When you are done, explain to the nearby cop that you are not vandalizing, you are adding to the needs of society. Bring bail money just in case.
Chapter 1: Properly Reviewing Urban Bakeries: The rating scale consists of the following: Thumbs up - Exceptional. Palm down and extended fingers - Average. Middle Finger - Poor. Two Middle Fingers and Thumbs Out - The building should be razed. Make sure your reviews are justified. This is strictly about product. Since most bakers are impersonal, don't hold it against them if they seem like assholes. They aren't. They just have you to deal with.
Chapter 69: rent a crib in Chi town: Use an apartment agency, but don't sign anything. You can use their information to scout other locations in the neighborhood you're looking in and get cheaper rates on your own. Depending on the neighborhood, find June Bug. He'll be the guy in the middle of the block who'll 'hook you up' with where you can find a joint to live in.
Chapter 107: Learn how to throw knives at moving targets - 1) Figure out if it's worth your target losing a finger or two in the process of you perfecting the craft, 2) Get really, really good insurance for the actual moving targets. Start with butter knives if you feel the risk is too high. Make sure your targets wear goggles at first. Invest in a really large colorful wooden wheel that rotates slowly. Make sure you can see through your blindfold.
Chapter 17d: grow a handlebar mustache: Grow the left and right ends first. You'll look like a catfish for a week, but the desired result will be best achieved this way. Keep the ends vaselined properly and twirl the ends to shape your mustache. Avoid sleeping on your face. For best results, sleep on your back with a hair net covering your face.
Chapter 35 - Become a Religious Icon: Call everyone 'my child' but don't be patronizing. People hate that. Also, touch everyone you meet on the top the head. Perform miracles. Do not attempt any magic tricks. People hate magicians. Stick to the basic repertoire of killing shrubs, healing the sick and raising the dead.
Chapter 2 - Stage a Coup: First, choose a country by deciding whether you want the coup to be bloody or bloodless. This will help you decide: Country A - Well established government with lots of military personnel and weaponized war heads. Country B - If a donkey brays on a dirt road, does anyone notice? Choosing Country B will help you avoid air strikes and will increase your chances of survival should your coup fail. Next, you will need a woman with a dog as a method of distraction. Now, this is key - it has to be the exact woman and exact dog pictured. Their rates are high for staging coups, so be prepared to break the bank once you have taken over your targeted country.
Chapter 44 - Make Moonshine: Find a secluded spot in the woods. Make sure you make a trail, lest you hear strange acoustic instruments played by disturbed hermits wearing construction helmets made out of bread bowls and you can't find your way back. Once you memorize the route, make sure you blindfold anyone you may take to your self-made 'distillery'. The air of mystery will give them a kick, evening out the fact that your moonshine probably will not. Hire an upstandingly gifted woman to pick your fruit. Make sure she has at least a 35" vertical leap, eliminating the need for picking sticks. The woman pictured is not for hire.
Chapter 188 - Shoplifting for the Specific Purpose of Freeing Pooh: It is recommended to have a male/female tandem to pull this off. Have the male distract the clerk by telling indeterminate stories of how St. Paul the Hermit survived in the Theban desert during the persecution of Decius and Valerianus around 250 AD. Make sure he drives the point (or lack thereof) home by explaining how St. Paul survived on dry fruit and how he trained a raven to fetch him a half loaf of bread a day and lived until the age of 113 (or so). This should allow enough time for the female to remove Pooh from the plastic wrap and simply walk out of the store as if she walked in with it. It would help if she wears her hair in pig tails.
Chapter 36 - Make a Court Appearance: Alonzo Mosely says "hello".Chapter 50 - Exercise Your Squatter's Rights: Hide the "No Trespassing" signs. Stay for a looooong time. To keep a property, you must continuously possess it for several years (this varies from state to state) against the owner's will and pay all the property taxes. In the event you will be squatting on the West Side of Chicago, bring excessive feet in case there is an abrupt need to flee (we don't call the authorities on the West Side. We just react). —
Chapter 62: Avoid Bubonic Plague: Replenish with plenty of ripe toes, particularly those sold at the Windy City Fresh Market (Chicago, West Side somewhere - Find it and get 5 toes free).
Chapter 13: Perform Open Heart Surgery Using Your Toes: Make sure your toes are strong enough to manipulate medical tools and utensils. Also, keep a Sharpie handy for marking X's for incisions, but avoid inhaling the scent of the Sharpie and getting high off of it. This will stop your medical assistants from saying, "Yo, you should put that back. That ain't the heart."
Chapter 53 - Annoy Your Neighbors: Paint cuss words on their immaculate front lawn using weed killer. In a few days, the grass will turn brown and your profanities will magically appear.Chapter 86 - Start a Riot: Get a job at a Starbucks. Wait for an unconscionable heat wave to strike and put up a sign reading, "Free iced coffee to the first 200 customers." Make sure you quit and watch from across the street after making the sign.
Chapter 25 - Crack A Safe: Obtain blueprints of the safe so you will know what obstacles you will face. All safes are shipped from the manufacturer with 'try out' combinations (usually 100R-50L-100R or other industry standards commonly known to safecrackers and locksmiths; these are available on the internet or from some of your criminal friends). Try these first because some idiots don't bother to change the combination.
Chapter 38 - Obscure Ways To Get Arrested In 25 States: New Hampshire forbids the alteration of sandwiches once they are put together and served. This can be punishable by 9 days in jail and 17 hours of community service as a sous chef in a Manchester deli. —
Chapter 43 - Obscure Ways To Get Arrested In Another 25 States: You can get arrested in Ohio for getting a fish drunk or sharing a house with more than four other women (if you're a woman). In Oxford, it is illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. It is illegal for men to shower in their briefs at the only Bally Fitness Club in Akron.