I've discovered something about myself recently that I think I've always known but never admitted. Admitted out loud and admitted to myself. I'm not as motivated as I feel I should be. I need to be here for myself, pick myself up, look after myself, and work hard for myself. But when push comes to shove, I find it incredibly difficult to get myself sorted. However, when it comes to people relying on me, it becomes 100 times easier to get up in the morning, to get food prepared, to clean and cook et cetera.
When I started with "Battery Powered," I set out a regime for myself: get up at 9am; exercise for half an hour to an hour; record/write till 1; lunch; write/record til about 6 or so; dinner; play time; bed (before midnight). How long did I keep this up? If I'm honest with myself, I think I may have kept it up for half a week. Health gets in the way, but I cannot use that as the whole excuse. There is a laziness, and there is a lack of motivation (even though my motivation has increased tenfold since this time last year). It's not that I don't want this. I want this more than anything in the world. I want "Battery Powered" to be perfect, I want it to be successful, I want a completely different life. I need a completely different life. I find now, looking after my Granny who's not been well, getting up at 8 am is so easy, despite having really awful toothache and a bad cold/cough. When I was working, I had to get up or I would put others in a situation where they'd be understaffed, they would be put out and therefore they would be angry with me. However, if I'm at home, with no one needing me for anything, me looking after me and myself, 8 am seems like the middle of the night. If it meant I'd get work done, I'd more than likely make an excuse to myself and sleep some more. I have been doing a hell of a lot more work than I've ever done in the past on my own projects. I'm proud at what I've achieved and I think I've done more than I thought I would have at this stage.
Over the past few years, I've been trying really hard to be brutally honest with myself about myself. I'm trying to suss out my flaws and issues and then do something about them. For example, I'm trying to grow a backbone as I've never been able to stick up for myself. (School was no walk in the park, and yes, girls were mean, girls were nasty, but I need to take responsibility that I was partly to blame for that, because I let them.) And sure enough, the more I try, the better I do. I think the next thing to concentrate on is the way I look after myself. I'm not happy with the weight I've put on since my operation in September. So instead of looking down, and seeing something negative, what I should be saying is "Llennett - DO SOMETHING about it!" Get on that "Just Dance," get on that "Ab Circle Pro," or just do some sit ups!
If I can get up at 8 am for someone else, I can do it for myself. If I can prepare food for others, I can make sure I eat properly for myself.
I want to get there in the world, I want to make my stamp and I cannot do that without putting everything into it. It's time to start being strong for myself.
I'm not going to let my health, my depression, my anxiety and more importantly, my laziness get in the way of my dream. It's time now to build strength, to become Battery Powered.