Everything has come full circle. What was hidden in blackness Now shines my soul. Music is everywhere. I was blinded by bitterness I couldn't find the music. It found my heart. An obsession, once again. One I'll gladly take Over what used to envelop me. And I get to share it now. With all of you. Yay Me. :)
That's what we did this evening!!!! I'm so excited to be marrying such an amazing man!!!!! I love him! Phil James is the love of my life and I'm lucky to have him!
I am feeling discouraged and disillusioned and disconnected. I don't know who really believes anymore I don't even know if I do anymore I don't like it, but that's right now. I may wake up tomorrow and just be like Fuck it. Don't worry about it I play because I love it I write songs because that's how I deal With the shit I deal with right now. Not for status Not for money Not to be a puppet Not to be the norm. But right now.... I'm damn tired of people wasting my time. You think I'm great? What does that mean? You're gonna tell someone who knows someone Really? I'm gonna get so excited I could pee my pants. Then.......nothing......even the people who know someone or are someone. Nobody likes the competition. And frankly, I'm not in a contest. They disappear. suddenly, and quietly. Or they decide to push thousands instead of just me, which is what I need. Or, more likely, who I need. I am blacklisted by certain people in my community that are afraid of what might happen. Why? Excellent question. Glad you asked. I'm not difficult to work with I set up quickly and tear my stuff down quickly I'm fun on stage to watch I'm really good My songs are original as well as painfully honest. I'm kinda cute, and have been known to make fun of perfection I don't drink or do drugs, and even when I did drink, I didn't embarrass myself or my bandmates on stage. EVER. I smile a lot. I blush pretty regularly I have an amazing fiance who takes great care of me, on and off stage. So you tell me....Why? I don't know. It comes back to people being threatened by me. And I'm a non-threatening individual, but I know my songs are good. Geez. this is confusing even for me. The one who gets the most plays gets a deal and on a second stage....REALLY? I'm gonna be real REAL excited now......post on Facebook. Post on Myspace. Post on Twitter. Post every-fucking-where....but see, my music doesn't fit. Like anywhere. The gay community loves it when they get to see me somewhere, but since I'm not gay, they don't want me at their events, don't return emails, don't return phone calls. And I'm definitely good enough. I'm too rock for some, too mellow for others, too this and too that. Why am I so aggravated, you ask? Because I haven't had one good shot at all of this. I wasted a lot of time in a relationship where my music was not accepted as real. To him, it was just a hobby. Like fucking knitting. But it never was. This is my LIFE!!!!! I just want ONE good opportunity here, then maybe I can let it rest and concentrate on the rest of my life. But right now, I want that one shot. And until I get it, I guess I will keep loading the gun.
After everything I've lived through After everything I've fought for After everything I've written After everything I've said After everything Good and bad Inspiration strikes When I least expect it to Like a snake Except when I'm bitten by surprise I write a song I share it with you And you listen. You heal with me. It makes everything Worth it.