Slave Labour have today announced that they will ensure any and all of their financial assets will be kept well away from Barclay’s bank following the latest revelations of widespread corruption. So far the band have earned in excess of $0.34 in this tax year through the ‘Reverbnation’ website and estimate that this could well double in the next few months. A spokesperson for the band said “This level of greed and corruption, whereby people who are already rich continue to stuff their snouts in the trough for more and more cash is sickening at a time when we can barely afford to maintain our submarine. These people need to be locked up and stripped of their assets. Either that or drowned in the nearest canal. We just need to be rid of these parasites.” There are currently suggestions that Barclays bank may only be the tip of the iceberg in the latest scandal surrounding the fixing of interest rates. The band later confirmed that any other bank involved in these practices will be similarly avoided with regard to their earnings. “At the end of the day, if it comes to stuffing it in the mattress, we’ll do that…” suggested another band member. “We just won’t tell anyone where the mattress is…”
7 April 2012 So I heard their new tune yesterday. In fact I heard it 32 times, 31 of which were at maximum volume. It’s not bad I guess, I would even have said it was very good after the 4th listen but by the 32nd pass I was wondering if there was anything else on the playlist. It’s surprisingly called ‘On A Train’ but they stressed this is only a working title and then came up with some rubbish alternatives. The more beer that was consumed, the worse the titles got (and the louder the stereo) until they wisely decided to talk about something else instead. I believe the track has to be ‘mastered’ (whatever that means) before it goes up on the website, which is fine by me but they can bloody well get round to cleaning up my kitchen before they master anything. The state of it has to be experienced to be believed! And I mean it is an all-round sickening assault on the senses. I swear there was a pair of 2ft long rats snuffling around the other day. I’ve a good mind to call the environmental health officer.
23rd March 2012 So they tell me that we’re officially in a drought situation in the region of the UK that I’m writing from. This is not good news, because I have a distinct feeling I am beginning to feel something underneath me that is causing me to… list slightly to the left and that is only going to result in more damage than my idiot owners have already done with their blow torches and inadequately sized spanners. I was never particularly convinced about the depth of this particular ‘boatyard’ and now it seems my fears are wholly justified. I say ‘boatyard’ but it’s actually little more than a stagnant pond a few miles outside Gillingham. What boats there are here seem to be distributed in bits and pieces and left to sink into various undignified states of decay. I should be grateful I’m mostly in one piece at the moment (on the outside at least) despite the best efforts of my owners. But if we don’t see some rain in the next couple of weeks I’ll end up keeled over on my side and where’s the glamour in that for god’s sake? I used to circumnavigate the Baltic ocean and now I’m stuck in a puddle of mud in England promoting an unsigned ‘alternative’ rock band. Where’s the bloody rain when you need it?
22 March 2012 Well my first shot at ‘blogging’ yesterday doesn’t seem to have gone down too well. “It’s not about you,” said the band, “it’s supposed to be about us!” “Well who’s on the bleeding cover?” I said – cos it’s not them ugly mugs for sure – “and if it’s me ‘s gonna do the writing you can take what you’re given far as I’m concerned!” “But the punters want to know all about the new album” they said. “Punters!” I said, “Don’t make me laugh! How much money have you made gigging in this millenium so far?” Exactly. ‘Not a bean,’ they had to confess, unless you count a few quid made from one-off gigs, which mostly got spent on parking tickets and a new sound-desk after the guitarist had a bust-up with the sound engineer and poured three pints of beer into his rig. Thereby getting them blacklisted from several venues in the Exeter region all at once. Shame cos it’s not far from there to Devonport where I could actually get a really decent servicing instead of the battery and assault with pitchforks that this lot give me. So, all that shut them up for a bit. Besides, if they want to tell you about their album, they can do it themselves can’t they?
21 March 2012 Blimey, my head hurts… Had the boys down all weekend performing what they called ‘routine maintenance’ tasks. I call it pre-meditated and systematic abuse, more like. Drilling holes and whacking in rivets using hammers with all the accuracy of a monkey with a baseball bat, 1 for the rivet and eight in my solenoids, I wish to God they’d leave it alone! To add insult to injury, they’ve installed a new sound system in my propulsion control room and continually fight about what’s gonna be playing on it. It’s not the music that bugs me, it’s the bloody arguments! We ended up with Blue Oyster Cult’s ‘Cultosaurus Erectus’ yesterday. Not their best, you’ll probably agree but definitely not their worst either. I quite like ‘Black Blade’, I have to say. Anyhow thank God they’ve left me in peace now, although they managed to leave most of the lights on again on their way out so we’re probably gonna have to hire the generator from the bouncy castle company down the road again. Amateurs!