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Cassmark / Press

“Brad Pitt posing as Bob Marley really just looks like Brad Pitt when he starred in Titanic. Oh, that was Kate Winslet in Titanic? Ah, noted.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ye shanty deny it, sweet potato pie it, fit right in me diet, the whole damn pie it!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Will there still be a giant auto insurance market when self-driving cars take over the streets? Coz I know cars that probably won't get it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 Shows That Jim Didn't Expect to Like But Did: 1. LazyTown 2. Sports Night 3. Life with Louie”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Technotronic - "Pump Up the Jam: The Album"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I refer to the really weird and undefined physical and mental effects of awkward aging of human beings as 'The Billy Crystal Effect'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Mommy, look! My fingers are in the fish's belly button!!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Rest In Peace to my very good friend, John Deere: February 7th, 1804 - October 7th, 2014”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My only real policy on making fun of something is that it has to actually exist.. No, wait, that is not true at all. My bad. Carry on.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm always most concerned with explaining the fact to the store worker that I am buying the pantyhose for a mic pop filter, not to wear..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That most energy drinks can be used as facial blemish removers if applied directly to the skin? Trysie!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Because I drink all of this tea, you should really be referring to me as a sweet beautea!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Mirror, mirror, I'm a peerer, I'm much purer, than the leerer. Dearer, deerer, I'm a tearer, on a tierer, Richard Gere-er.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I apologize to anyone that was offended by my post.. And by apologize, I mean fucking hate your nugget-looking ass.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Think of how many awful things you've eaten as a child. And dranky drank. Maybe still. Your body is a garbage pile. No matter what you do.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Remember the Simpsons Halloween episode where Homer was cloned a bunch of times? And one of those clones was Peter Griffin?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Musical chairs was an awfully hard game for me as a child.. It's difficult when there's non-stop music playing in head!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Start talking to a random wooden fence if there are people around. Pretend you're talking to Wilson from Home Improvement.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Yoprah, Oprah, it would be greatly appreciated if you would do a "Where Are They Now?" segment on the cast of Zoobilee Zoo.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Well, I'm not the world's most physical guy, but when she squeezed me tight she nearly bled my spine, oh Ebola, E-E-E-Ebola.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I ate the fortune cookie with the fortune still inside.. I hacked it up and then read the fortune: 'You will eat this. Lucky # 2, 26, 17, 11'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Once, I went to look at a studio apartment.. I was terribly upset that there was no actual recording studio and that it was only one room.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Given a demeanor, given the bouncing wiener, given some fluidity, given those nice tittidees, I will dance despite askance!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You say that you love music.. But I don't see you carrying it around in your tum tum for nearly yearly to produce the miracle of Time Life.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes it's sarcastic, sometimes it be funny, sometimes it's bombastic, and Sun-Times it's a punny bunny!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I bought some Hostess Cupcakes.. A Jack McDowell baseball card was included in the package.. Just how well-preserved are these things??”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"One if by band, two if by me, three if by hand, four if by knee." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ideas that Jim Couldn't Make Into a Complete Thought: Beneath yet bequeath, horehound, Kool Moe Dee, leather stockings.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Justin, Timothy, Enoch, they lived across the block, for a year said a clock, in church clothes they would knock, I showed them how to rock.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Pavement - "Watery, Domestic"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Air Bud and I, we'd eat the whole berry pie, even the crust, in Air Bud I trust." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Bitch, I know Beethoven the Dog is a tad bit rad like the comic Sinbad. That doesn't stop me from loving Air Bud the mostest.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you would like to enter Sainthood, please make sure that your first name isn't Bernard. Thanks for understanding, Beethoven the Dog.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“So what that Sinead O'Connor ripped a pic of the Old Pope? It's not like she sticks her dick through a cut-out opening of his mouth like me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Some older dude thought that a current pic of Frank Black was Divine. I spit my water out. That was pretty funny. He was serious.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There has to be a death metal band out there named Skullduggery.. I refuse to look it up, but there just has to be.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It was nothin' but a (stomp stomp) Cyclops (stomp stomp) Triceratops (stomp stomp) Goldilocks (stomp stomp) Magnavox.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes, you need to remind your parents that, no, it is not 1988 still. And, no, it is not Jones Intercable anymore.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“But really, what else would u xpect from en aging teenage ska drummer?..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tater, tater, instigator, you've got me on my knees. A wrinkle, a crinkle; cut tatey as you please.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Do my eyes deceive me, or has Bono started playing guitar for U2 as well? And he's turned a pinkish bluish hueish, too! Wow!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Disco Disco Dick, try your stick, don't be a chick, Disco, Disco, Disco..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“To my one, my only, my Dump Cake lady: Stir that dumpy lumpy batter with those smooth dumpy boobies.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“That Dump Cake lady kind of looks like a Dumpy Cake McHuman form.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The next time you want avocados on something or want to purchase some, ask for them by their scientific name, Alligator Pears.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Aphex Twin - "Come to Daddy EP"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 5 Star Wars Porn Names: 1. Luke Jivetalker 2. Princess Labia 3. R6D9 4. Chewdicka 5. See Three Pee Hole”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wouldn't eat popcorn while one ear bud is out of one of your ears and on your lap. You'll eventually mistake it for popcorn.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Just try and prove that 'Welcome Back, Kotter' is not the best human creation ever. Go ahead, go on and make an ass of yourself.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I thought that the doctor said I was to get an anagram test.. Turned out to be a mammogram test.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Whenever I play the video game known as Caesar's Palace, the first two things that I do are hit up the Women's room.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Super-conservatives that don't have a lot of money.. I feel like saying, "Bitch, I actually know homeless millionaires."”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Super-liberals that have a lot of money and give don't give to charity.. I feel like saying, "Bitch, you suck fuck."”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“He made the gravy, for the whole damn Navy, the Navy cravy his gravy, his first name was Davey, he served on the wavy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm a murderer! I just accidentally killed a dragonfly as it got in my way while tapping out some damn sweet Jethro Tull on my handlebars.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Although I feel bad about accidentally killing the dragonfly, I saw on his face that he thought it was a righteous-ass Tull beat.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Did you say there'd be an annual fee or an animal fee? Because I know a bunch of yearly asses.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ever think about an ex and wonder why their parents didn't give them a name with the initials S.T.D.?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What am I doing for my 30th bday? I bought 73 pounds of licorice. I'm going to spread them out all over my bed and sleep on them later!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Today, I turned 30 years old. Happy birthday, you sexy fucker. Lemme gimme a lap dance.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Happy 30th birthday to one of the real loves of my life: Jim of Cassmark. I love you. Tom." - Tom Hanks

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Thanks, Tom Hanks. I love you, too. You da man. Da man of love. So lovey." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If someone has a 4-shot close-up pic of their vag opened in Photoshop, they're probably really not making it for their mother to analyze.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The family of 5 looked at me in disgust as I rode my bicycle past them.. I realized that I was singing 'Honky Tonk Badonkadonk' to myself.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My buddy used to greet me by saying 'His name is Jimmmmmm Jim Cock!' the way that 'My name is Kidddddddd Kid Rock!' is said.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I could've questioned my buddy, "Why are you calling me Jim Cock?".. But why would anyone ever question something so cool?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Macho Man Randy Savage - "Be a Man"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Evel Knievel's bus jumping stunts were actually just rip-offs of what the Fonz dreamt, built, and then executed.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Post-diction by Jim of Cassmark: I postdict that Joan Rivers will die 2 weeks ago.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I spy something that's neon orange, pink, and blue.. Give up? It's the big glowing 'Fuck You' sign in my head!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Alex Trebek has taken the strong hint from me and decided to start sporting his moustache again. Yes, these are tears of joy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When Alex Trebek doesn't sport a moustache, it's like the collective heart of my whole world grows a little bit colder.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Al Borland and Larry the Cable Guy are real-life cousins?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I could be in love with most anyone, I think people are the greatest fun! Except for most everyone, because they're all aliens.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Watching RoboCops 1-3 might seem like a good idea at the time, though you'll eventually realize that it was a great idea.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Apple dabble in my squabble wobble for a simple dimple to your cobble gobble.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'About face'?? Umm, okay.. Yours is quite ugly, aged beyond your age, dry, not to mention ugly.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Supdate: Drums for Cassmark 'Homemade 3-Songer' completey, onto the bass lines & dance routines.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The other day, I played the Wizard of Oz soundtrack to Pink Floyd's The Wall movie. I'm still amazed that they correspond exactly!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's not like I go around writing things like "JockoCockoMickMoroccoPedroPacoTikiTaco"..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"JockoCockoMickMoroccoPedroPacoTikiTaco" - A Writing By Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sweet Larry Fine, good times never seemed Moe good, I've been inclined, to Curly they never would.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Pandora? As in Pandora's Box? As in the Aerosmith song/box set? Oh, Andorra? As in the Pete Seeger song?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Whenever I play videos game that require players to enter their name, I always use the fairly common ASSHEAD.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If someone asks a Jeopardy! contestant response in question form & you answer with what Alex Trebek reveals, they'd know you're crazy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Old man, take a look at my butt, it's a lot like yours was..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The only unsettling thing about Keurig machines is that I don't know how to make super-concentrated beverages with them.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That the "B.F." in B.F. Goodrich stands for Brendan Fraser, not for Benjamin Franklin or anything like that?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“9/11, the day when most people accidentally dial 911 when attempting to text something about 9/11 on their phones.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My favorite kind of underwear that you could ever wear would happen to be named the diphthong!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Whenever I see a cop, my first reaction is 'shit, hide the stash', even though I haven't had a stash in many years.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts all on a plumber's pay; The Dave of Darts he stole them tarts and took them to Bombay.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Culture - "Two Sevens Clash"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Avocado, why don't you come to your senses? You been out ripenin' fences for so long now..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My grandparents have been so inconsiderate since they died.. They haven't sent me one birthday card nor check since their passings.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“We're so sorry Aunt Alberta, we're so sorry if we called you Mary Jane. We're so sorry Aunt Alberta, but there's no one left at home and I believe I'm gonna brain.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I don't think that it's all that weird that I rented the movie 'Frozen' for myself. I'd be a weirdo if I didn't.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In the news: The Wicked Witch of the West Takes Ice Bucket Challenge; Melts.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You're once, twice, three times a gravy. And I love you. I love you.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Strange is magic, weird is science, and what I'd like to know is the Law of Abracadabra.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you received a text message from my phone number last night saying "I is got me a big boner yo!", it was actually me! You're welcome!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Come on. I mean, who doesn't know and love Cannon in Augmented G#7 Major? Wooty.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Gene Simmons declared that rock music is dead and murdered by file sharing.. Yeah, I'll take it from a businessman posing as a bassist.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Washers & dryers, broilers & fryers, truthfuls & liars, hires & fires, needle-nosed pliers, down to the wires, big ass tires, plate expires.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ever see someone try to sing along to that Sam Smith 'Stay with Me' song? Hmm, I think you only missed a couple-hundred of the inflections.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've just invented a device that allows a still shot of frozen space and time named a photograph.. From this day, painting is dead!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The biggest flaw in Roman and Greek mythology is that there is no deity named Computus the Computer God.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I enjoy a lot of vegan foods. Still don't understand why many vegan foods are shaped, flavored and textured to be like that of meats.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 Unexpected Places Where Jim Finds His Guitar Picks: 1. Washer/Dryer 2. In His Hair 3. Toilet”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: The Living Legends - "Classic"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've said it before and I'll say it again, I think I'm better off just dating Miss Michigan.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“One of the perks of being a Wallflower must be that you're either Bob Dylan's son or friends with Bob Dylan's son.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I use the PEMDAS order of operations even when using punctuation; it's the punctual thing to do.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wonder how many people called INXS "Inkses" before they were well-known..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sure, your knickerbockers are fairly stylish. See, but I wear plus-fours. Looks like I've won. By eight.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmercial: Maxwell House - "Good to the first drop."”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm back in the CCCP, you don't know how lucky you are G, back in the CCCP..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Happy Labor Day to all the mommies in labor, I hope that my tiger tooth is genuine saber (British: sabre)!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Weaknesses: 1. Sriracha 2. Licorice 3. Sriracha-flavored licorice”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That every song that Lisa Loeb's ever penned has been about a cat?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Are old volumes of "Now! That's What I Call Music" magically retitled "Then! That's What I Called Music"?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Chivalry, celery, Calgary, coconut, pedigree, presently, penalty, Pizza Hut.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I'm a fool to hoot your birdy chirp. Oh, yeah. I don't wanna hoot your birdy chirp. No more." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Dog the Bounty Hunter is just code name for Dog's real name, God?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes, I think that people are looking at me thinking, "Damn, that's one sweet moustache."; sometimes, I know it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Batter better bitter botter butter.. Hold on, what's this batter that you speak of? Oh, a better botter bitter butter batter? Oh my!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Brainwash on noses and blisters on written, eye dropper nettles and warm wooden kitchens, round shaper cabbages fried up in rings, these are a few of my favorite things!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Always wondered why Primitive Radio Gods' video for "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand" has English captioning.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Grawpawpawpawskeebeeswallajeebyjallacreepycrawla." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Dave Chappelle once said that black people use a washcloth to clean their asses while white people just stick the bar of soap in.. Touché.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Arrogant Argonaut learn some origami, apparent astronaut earn a new Bugatti, elegant Camelot burn some big tsunami.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Tracy Bonham - "The Burdens of Being Upright"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Billy Joel is not my lover. She's uptown girl who claims that I am the one. But the kid is not my son.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wish that I had a dollar for every time that I had a quarter. And a quarter for every time that I had a penny. And a penny never.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Aw, you must really love me if you want my Social Security #.. Here you go!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A new Guns N' Roses greatest hits album is in the works for release.. To be titled "Lose Your Delusion II".”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“C:/cls, dir/w, cd Albums, dir/w, cd Ace_of_Base, dir/w, cd The_Sign, cls, dir, copy *.* C:/Jim's_Ultimate_Party_Mix”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Really, there's a Led Zeppelin bootleg album that has a song named "(Sticky Sticky Sticky I've Got Love in My Dicky and It's All for You!)"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 Things for Kids to Say When They Don't Want to Finish Their Food: 1. 'I don't want to end up as big as you.' 2. 'I ordered this mac 'n cheese medium rare.' 3. 'My stomach hates you.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Nicki Minaj's last name is a play on 'ménage à trois'.. Funny, I thought that it was a play on 'talentless'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Holy Toledo! Anita burrito. Hey, Danny DeVito. Anita burrito. Thanks, bud. Nom nomp nomg." - Gallagher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Every time that I flip past the Ellen show, I initially assume it to be Zack Morris in a rerun of Saved By the Bell.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Yeah, my autograph is worth good money.. But it probably has to do with using the moniker 'Babe Ruth' when doing so.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I just found out that my hippie name would be Dean Martin!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I don't believe that that there is an exotic red cucumber. In fact, I think it's a stick of pepperoni.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Remember, if you book Cassmark for a show, I end up playing whatever the fuck I please. Probably not the recorded stuff. Just how I roll.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Buckethead wants to know if he can pour KFC extra crispy chicken over his head for the ice bucket challenge and use the bucket for his head?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I gladly accept the Bice bucket challenge.. The most difficult part will be getting big ass Bo Bice in a bucket.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I gladly accept the rice bucket challenge.. As long as I can pour some soy sauce over it first. And eat it off of the ground.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Is there anything less challenging than pouring ice water over your head to help out a great cause? How is that even considered a challenge?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It'd probably be more logical to explain Robinson Crusoe in a simile. 'Like Gilligan's Island, it's primitive as can be.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The real "Black Dog": 'Stay, stay, bow wow, said the way you woof, runna make you wet, runna make you poo..'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: They Might Be Giants - "Apollo 18"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My mom thought that all the times she'd seen Robin Thicke that it was Blake Shelton.. I feel like I've failed as a son.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I tried riding my bike to Geocities' SunsetStrip, but apparently, the place doesn't exist anymore.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The first time that I ever laughed at Robin Williams, it was when I was 4 and he was in the 'Don't Worry, Be Happy' video.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Whenever I think about Stabbing Westward, I end up catching myself thinking about Gravity Kills, too.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Between a ho and apple butter, I will always choose apple butter. Unless the apple butter is a ho. Then, I just cry.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I should be your daddy, little laddy, I'm just gladdy, that you're the caddy, of my Stratty.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Once, someone told me that he played Cassmark for a bunch of ladies. Then he told me that he told the ladies that he wrote and performed it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's vaguely in memory, but Nickelodeon once featured the Red Hot Chili Peppers' song and video for 'My Friends'. How weird. It's not happy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“After 48 hours with my newfound moustache, I decided it was time to name him. Introducing: Sir Dukus of Yesteryork aka Stash McDaniels.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“For the first time in my life, I have kept a solo moustache for more than 24 hours. I can't stop laughing at myself in the mirror.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“See, the thing about a moustache is that it's such a dramatic change in a person's life. Well, I didn't know if I could handle it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I'd shown off my new moustache to my mom and sister, they played it off like it was nothing. Oh, it's something. Something, indeed.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Someday, Earth will be too polluted for natural survival.. Good thing by then, we'll have figured how to transfer the mind to robot bodies.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In the news: Simon Cowell Signs to Play the Role of Betty Boop on Big Screen; Clay Aiken to Sing Leads for Cowell.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Mass turd of poopettes I'm pulling your flings, pissing your hind and splashing your seams.. Mass turd! Mass turd!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes, I put a watermelon under my shirt. Not to know what it's like to be a pregnant woman, but what it's like to be a male seahorse.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: To piss someone off, tell them that if there was such a thing, they would've been Adolf Hitler in a previous life.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Just realized that my wireless internet was destroyed for days only because a cheap piece of shit Korg guitar tuner was next to it all. Wow.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In an attempt to stay hip, I'm working on replacing the term 'freek a leek' with 'twerk a jerk' in my vocabulary.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I just found out that you can teach children something by telling them of the days before Caller ID; they might not believe you.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Yes, Taylor Swift, I do believe that your music is real. By real, I mean really annoying and unreal.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Phil Collins - '12"ers'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Geico commercials are sometimes funny, but then I remember that they only exist because they're trying to sell insurance. For shame!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“To the persons that set the rule of thumb for syndication requiring a minimum 81 but normally 100 episodes per series.. Why those numbers?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Asked a tattoo artist if I could get one of those chains from nose-to-ear like Janet Jackson had in that one video. He slapped me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I believe in Paul Bunyan. Tall tale my ass! Don't tell me what to believe! I do what I want! I've seen him in the county woods. Babe, too.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cass-rections: R.I.P. Robin Williams; not Robbie Williams. Robbie Williams is alive and well. What a shame. All of it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“R.I.P. Robbie Williams. You will be missed!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wish that more people would write stuff and then share it. And then read other people's stuff. And then write about that. And then share..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Lack lust last luck, rack rust fast truck, back bust past stuck, quack just asked duck." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I don't think hoot're ready for this belly, 'Cause my body's hoot hootylicious for ya babe." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That the Scotty McCreery song "Feelin' It" is the censored version of his song named "Grabbin' It"?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 Smartest Things to Start Your Band Name With: 1. X 2. Aa 3. C”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Boyz II Men finally changed their name to Men II Dead.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Skip to my loo, my darling. Loo, loo, skip to my loo! Skip to my loo, my darling.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You know darn well that there's a Celtic musician out there with the last name Frost that wanted to use the name Celtic Frost.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfucius: Cumbersome seam, encumber thy lumber; cummerbund theme, boy drummer a number.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Really wishing that I still had the booklet to Antifreeze's 'Four Letter Words'.. In it, the band looked like they just took a shot of antifreeze.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My Grandpa Lou: R.I.P. 2/24/1996, an avid car man.. Months after, my parents got new license plates randomly numbered 'LEU-224'.. Spookay!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Say, there's something about her. What's special about her?' "Who, her? Why, she's wearing Depends!"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Superdrag - "Regretfully Yours"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Minions? Do you mean 'mini-onions' or 'minced onions'? I will caramelize them either way if you'd like.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Don't assume that a real family of deer are someone's lawn ornaments. The doe will hiss at you for the mistake.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wanna be a robotaire so fuckin' bad, fly without the wings I never had.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmercial: 'Coming soon - UFC Football! Chokeholds, tackles, submissions, touchdowns, knockouts, and interceptions!'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Who in the hell owns the house that I was raised in? It looks like shit. I'll kick your scumsuck asses, owners. Show yoselves.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I watched the first episode of Breaking Bad again. As in Seinfeld, so many things are fit into one episode, it's hard to recall by episode.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Not to be gross, but if your pee ever splits into two streams while approaching the toilet, make a wish.. Urine luck!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There's only one group that comes to mind that had used Karl Malone in their lyrics. And that would be Transplants. Aka Not Enough.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Did you ever get the feeling that you've written the same exact thing before?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I Jim aJimgiance, to the Jim, of the UJimted Jims of AJimica, and to the Jimpublic, for which Jim Jims, one Jimtion, under Jim, inJimvisible, with Jimberty and Jimstice for Jim.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Did you ever get the feeling that you've written the same exact thing before?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"You rap as you're on dope, I spit it like an isotope, sure stop and grip a grope, don't swear or get fed soap." - Sergio Penis

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“An angel carries a box of raisins on them. Always. Raisins are the entire diet consistency of an angel. Because Mike Rowe is an angel.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Move over, Dos Equis Man. You are no longer the most interesting man in the world.. Introducing: Tres Equis Man!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Thy them then thine this than they thou though that there. Then take two lefts at the next lights.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim's an enigma of a riddle inside a cocoon lining the innards of my upper-right eyelid. And that's why I design yoga pants." - David Lynch

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That the only thing more metal than giving the metal sign is spelling out the word 'metal' in sign language?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Even if you want to live out those dreams where you're naked on foot halfway across town yet try to make it home, still do it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes, you just gotta remind your parents about the reality of it all.. Two pieces of shit somehow produce a piece of gold; a miracle.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Awesome sauce' is such a long saying when 'saucesome' can be said. To be used only when describing a great sauce that leaves you in awe.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Tiny Tim w/ Brave Combo - "Girl"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I never learned how to drive stick shift. Intentionally. A shifter would be where my food & beverage belong. No way.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Given that I love both Todd Rundgren and The Cars, I'm still confused by why The New Cars happened. It just seemed weird.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Mobile mogul, dojo mojo, ogre ogle, nono dodo, volley folly, Quasimoto, local yokel, Marco Polo.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I pay so little attention to commercials, after years, I just realized a General commercial wasn't for Dollar General but for an insurance.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You think you get the last laugh. But don't you be so sure. And you should take a look. Because now you're in my baby book.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tepid intrepid, lipid insipid, diary diarrhea, rigidly frigidly, Piggly Wiggly.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Alice thought that the rabbit was normal until he pulled some opium out of his pocket and offered her some 'fiya'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Thanks, dad, for making sis & I watch 'Romancing the Stone' & 'Jewel of the Nile' with you a lot. Not sure if we would've survived without.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Women and children first? Yes!.. We should incorporate this in the prison systems, too!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If it weren't for the distorted guitar ringouts on MU330's 'Crab Rangoon', I wouldn't really care about distorted ringouts.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sorry, Batman.. I thought the 'Batroom' was your bathroom, not your bedroom. I pottied on Alfred.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: If someone asks you who sings "Who Will Save Your Soul?", before telling them Jewel, say Shakira and see if they believe it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“To anyone that called me a computer nerd in 1994 that is reading this online: Fuck you. You don't belong. Overpay me to fix your stuff.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Good Dollar Store Buys: 1. Roll of arcade tickets or tokens 2. 'Too Sassy for Classy' key chain 3. Nothing”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Bad Dollar Store Buys: 1. 91 pennies 2. Kool-Aid Packet 3. Amino/boric/citric acid blend pills”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There was a deleted lap dance scene where Samantha gave one to Joaquin in that 'Her' movie.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That ABBA, B.B. King, C.C. DeVille, and Dee Dee Ramone had a bra company together in the 1980s?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Yeah, man, when they legalize time travel, we're going to have the opportunity to purchase all sorts of insurance on the past, too. Dig?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“So, you say you're a "game changer", ey? Well then, come over, change out Ecco the Dolphin, and put Gunstar Heroes in my Genesis, bitch.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Summer breeze, makes me feel Fine, blowing Stooge the Larry in Moe mind." - Curly Joe DeRita

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That there's only one letter of similarity between 'ugly' and 'your face', and that letter is u?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Daddy-O - "You Can Be a Daddy, But Never Daddy-O"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Who would win in a fight: Bruce Lee or yours truly? Given that the man has been dead for some 40-odd years now, probably him still.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I just had one of those out of the blue thoughts, and I'm pretty sure that Maxwell Smart was the voice of Inspector Gadget.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“To complement the State Quarters collection, there will soon be a 75-piece Historic American City Pennies collection!!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Kooky Cuckoo Kookaburra, sits in the old gum tree, my dog and my cat, probably want to eat her." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Failure is not an option.. It's a guarantee! So get over it, Billy Betty Boy Boop, and join the KISS Army!'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Miley, I appreciate the offer to headline the 'Bangerz' tour, but I'm soaking my buns in the sun, watching them rise like cinnamon rolls.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I can't keep track of how many people think that I'm Bone Crusher. I'm not Bone Crusher. For tax purposes, I'm not Bone Crusher.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In the news: Eddie Vedder Covers John Lennon's "Imagine"; Worldwide Riots Ensue in Protest Shortly After.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim on tea: "Black before green, you're in the clean. Green before black, eat a quick snack. Black gold, Texas tea: give it to me!"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Finally ran into and hugged that hugging guy from Dave Matthews' "Everyday" video. He smelled like Carmex, Twizzlers, and Daffodils.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've already penned and released my autobiography.. Years ago. Yes, the name of it is 'Sarah, Plain and Tall'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The 'Last' button on the remote control is the most important button that goes uncommended. Please, think about life without it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That 94% of all "Cassmark fans" are self-described 'soccer moms'?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I'm down with that pat! That's all good hear in my ear! Nom nom it's Pumpkin Tom! Is it a pester to rub on my chester?!" - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Too bad that Cuspabulba isn't a word meaning much, because it sounds well. It should be a kind of sandwich or something.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“After all, it's probably for the best that I don't have wings. I'd probably use them mostly to fly around and pee on people.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Corporate cornucopia, choreographed Corey Feldman, corduroy Corky Romano, cordless Copernicus, Corporal Courtney Love.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Whenever you look at the clock and it's either 11:11 or 12:34, it's probably time to reflect on your entire life.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Audacity, tenacity, opacity, veracity, capacity, ferocity, rapacity, mendacity.. Ooh, what a city!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Various Artists - "Schoolhouse Rock! Rocks"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Mr. sound guy, when you said that you had mono, I hope that you were talking about your audio capabilities and not your gross mouth.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Remember when I was on Britain's Got Talent? And sang "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Misérables? And made Simon Cowell cry? That was great.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I was 15, I wrote to a band named Chixdiggit. They handwrote pages of letters back to me. It's cool when musicians are nice.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Every year in elementary school, I got academic student of the month. In 5th grade, I got P.R.O. student of the month. Boy, was I pissed!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The way that humans have physically changed the planet, it seems that they're not originally from this Earth. See, that's why I'm a lemur.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I shit you not, I overheard this reported news brief: "He's stolen his second car in months, and he's only 9 years old."”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“To medallion a stallion, such a champion will graze, now speak to me in horsey: "Neigh love hoof, Jim, neigh neigh."”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Won $20 betting a doof that it was John Sebastian and not Randy Newman who did the Welcome Back Kotter theme song.. Tried to make it $100.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I saw daddy kissing Santa Claus, underneath the fireworks last night. Merry Christmas in July!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Someone told me to "Bury the 'Hatchet'".. But I love that book! I can't bury it. It's a living being. It's a part of me; part of my body.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you index and pinkie finger 'rock/metal' hand sign me, you better fucking stick out that thumb and make it a sign of love.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I think that we can all collectively agree that life was a little bit cray cray when Snoop Dogg signed to No Limit Records.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfucius: Oh, tainted love, love of the taint, puberty of pubics, phallus to the faint.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The first time the term 'heavy metal' was ever used, it was by a hippie in the 1960s trippin' to some groovies with the word 'man' attached.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Intro in trow, vs. verse, refrain reef rain, clime climb, coarse chorus, bur ridge bridge, coda co. duh." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“So many stalkers that you'd think my name was Corn Daddy or something like that. I like that name. You can call me that.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: When someone asks if you can break a bill for change, break it in half and tell them you have changed it into worthless.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ugh I just hate that. When you're only halfway through a porno and you end up breaking your 'G-string' playing to the music.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Someone said that Garth Brooks is going on an upcoming tour. But I'm pretty sure it wasn't Garth and was Chris Gaines with a cowboy hat on.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's legally official: Juggalos are considered gang members. It's also been determined that they're categorically Dead Heads.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Miami Boyz - "Getting Off"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've been soaking in the reality: It's 2014.. We were told that there would be moving pictures by now.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm not sure if it was a dream or not.. Was Zakk Wylde ever in a Campbell's Chunky Soup commercial with his mother?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Iggy Azalea be so damn fancy, she be remindin' me of Fancy Feast. Iggy Azalea so damn white bread, she be remindin' me of infected yeast.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“We used to buy the King B Shredded Jerky Stuff when we were 10. We'd hardly eat the shit. We just wanted the circular baseball card inside!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Long, golden-blonde hair. Puffy, full lips. Lovely, perfect smile. Beautiful breasts.. Say, you must be talking about Tom Petty!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If I was listening in the several neato gov. & pol. classes that I really enjoyed, the U.S. has a bicameltoe legislature.. And I was!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Take the Cassmark challenge: Read The Red Hot Chili Peppers' lyrics to 'If You Have to Ask' without asking 'Why in the fuck?'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“As kids, my friends and I were convinced that there was a full-sized elf in our hood that'd occasionally walk by.. We'd stare.. Poor guy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I have no excuse, but I've seen the made-for-tv movie 'Hysteria: The Def Leppard Story' enough times to reenact it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"That's me in the corn blur, that's me in the spotflight, hootsing my tree pigeon, flying to creep up on hoot." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I first read that Jessica Simpson married Eric Johnson, I thought they'd meant the guitarist.. Cliffs of Dover at yo wedding.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Granny and nanny, uncanny canny, panny my fanny, banny my planny." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Supdate: Still fundraising for the recording of The 486SX EP, Cassmark is writing/recording 'Homemade 3-Songer'.. Coming rather soon!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I asked this wealthy guy why he had the Peter Francis Geraci tapes, and he said that they help him fall asleep.. What a perv.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Rough & tumble, tough & rumble, cuff & crumble, gruff & grumble, scuff & fumble, buff & humble, muff & mumble, fluff & jumble.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That The Beatles were horrible tennis coaches? Yeah yeah yeah, they kept teaching their students that all you need is love.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Enya's 'Memory of Trees' is a great example showing that I am not alone in believing that trees have memories. And brains. And eyes.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Birds of a feather flock together, feathers of a bird flock in a herd." - Baby Birdman

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“On the fence about which was more stupefying: The news anchor that read Nas as "N.A.S." or the one that read REO Speedwagon as "Rio".”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Basement Jaxx - "Rooty"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Rock & roll, jump & jive, Bach & soul, Kiss Alive!, David Grohl, MC5, Nat King Cole, in archive.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Let us be realistic.. If time really healed everything, it probably would've healed you a bigger wiener over the years.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 Responses to Cassmark Sarcasties: 1. "Haha, that's not funny! Huh?" 2. "Why, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!" 3. "Dick."”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Mutter the words 'cheesy tunafish butthole' to someone while they're eating to see if they lose their appetite.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Call me 'N Sync, cause I'm no strings attached, or cause you think that I'm Joey, and a strike anywhere match.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Shock, I was dinking around with circuitry before I could even speak, turning baby babble into electronic components. Maajaaboobaataytaahga.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Does anyone have the directions to Papua Old Guinea? I want a Guinea pig. A genuine Guinea pig. I've got it narrowed down to Africa!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've always wondered who'd win in a fight against one another: Bazooka Joe or the Cracker Jack boy? I will probably never know. So I cry.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Why is mixed broccoli, cauliflower and carrots considered the California Blend? It just seems to me that the blend existed long before 1850.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Thinking The Wonder Years was on, Kevin's mom appeared on the screen. Apparently, she's an actress on The Bold and the Beautiful.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Thankfully, I don't have a copy anymore, but I wore a Bush 'Razorblade Suitcase' shirt for my 8th grade school pic.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Save the guy that you blow out of your parachute fireworks for me. Unless you save them. In that case, you're weird. Don't talk to me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Heed the path that led me to that place, yellow desert stream." - Dorothy in 'The Wizard of Oz'

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When someone asks you to 'bust out some Zeppelin' or the likes on guitar, play an original & explain that it's one of their "sick B-sides".”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Polish my teeth? With Pepsodent?? I'd rather eat the Pepsodent, tyvm. It's tasty. Will that make them more Polish?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I think that my dog would have an easier time learning how to fart on command than learning how to roll over.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I asked a psychic how I would look in my 40s.. All she did was show me the front cover to Dr. John's "Goin' Back to New Orleans" album.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sugar in my tea, swimmer in a sea, sweetener in a pea, Warren in my G; Aveeno in my Beano, Vinnie Barbarino, acid of amino, Al in my Pacino.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Can't believe that I haven't written about Macy Gray yet! Macy, I love you, will you marry me? Be my Macy baby? And hump me?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: When the Emergency Alert System actually issues a threat or danger, I'll probably assume that it's just a test.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: 3rd Bass - "The Cactus Album"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“After seeing some of the actual police sketches that are expected to help identify someone, I think I should become a police sketch artist.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My mom asked last week if I knew that Dave Coulier had dated Alanis Morissette, and I had to admit yes. Coz I'm a funking music machine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There's a "Waterfall" song by Shambhu, not the whale! I'm willing to bet Little Debbies that he's a sage of the waterfall. Spot on, orca!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The Cassmark song 'Rise' is considered 'Explicit' on some releases. Hmm.. idk maybe it was my 'I learned a good lesson in the nude' line?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Would you rather have arms like Jax or like Dhalsim? As a guitarist: I'd say Dhalsim. As a drummer: probably Jax.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“To date, 5 women have attempted to kidnap my hair while I was sound asleep. Crazy ladies, rest assured I'm crazier.. I sleep with a cat.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wish that we would use digital technology to still have Dave Thomas in Wendy's commercials. Only good thing 'bout Wendy's.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Honeysuckle, sucklenips, nipsynucket, dripsydrips, dandydoodle, doodlelips, lipsylissy, blunderblips.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Recipe to Make Food: 1 Part Don't Be Stupid to 1 Part Love to 3 Parts Food. Tada! No, thanks, I think I'll pass!!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“One of the best movie-to-cartoon shows that I used to watch would have to be the Beetlejuice series. It wasn't much like the movie.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"The goose named Gus is a gas and a gander! The moose named Russ is an ass, salamander!" - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That 78% of current college students don't know the difference between Joe Cocker and Joe Walsh? Fatal error, bro.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Just realized that the only people that don't like my Cassmark pages are pieces o' shit. Big, stupid pieces o' shit.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I try and follow the drinking gourd on occasion, but then I start following the mermaid of the skies.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I said that I want some hush, puppies.. Yes, I want some hushpuppies, too. Both, please. Now, rub these; my boobs.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The next time I'm upset, I'm gonna unleash this: 'Suck on a sewer cap, flap jack. Oh, think you're going somewhere, pubic Nair?'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Hey, Hootay, baby I got your bunny, don't chew furry, I said hey, baby I got your bunny." - Ol' Woodsy Owl Buzzstard

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Even when I'm nakey, I carry at least 3 variations of a minimum of 10 guitar picks somewhere in/on me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's not that my web browser is outdated. It's that your browser is updated. Internet Explorer 1.0 is suitable for me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“All these people crazily claiming that Nicolas Cage is a vampire.. Bitches, haven't y'all seen City of Angels? That man is an Angel!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If Gilbert Gottfried's voice could be represented in physical form, I think we'd have ourselves an overdeveloped ferret penis.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: The Anniversary - "Your Majesty"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Never be with your friend when he decides to ask the drummer of a fave band why they even bothered releasing their debut.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My son, that's no forehead.. That's mos def a fivehead if not a sixhead!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Aerosmith Songs He Sings and No One Knows What the Hell He Is Singing: 1. Get A Grip 2. Make It 3. Shela”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If I ever meet Russell Simmons, I'll be so happy and excited to meet him that I'll probably accidentally call him Russell Stover.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Even Ripley wouldn't believe the amount of ugly that you possess. You are a devil. You are scaring me. I know this for a fact.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A 7th grader just graded my quips for grammar/punctuation and gave me a B-.. Heh, and I didn't even study!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Anyone else remember the Adam Clayton & Larry Mullen, Jr. music video for their take on the 'Mission: Impossible' theme? Them was jammin'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It seems both pointless and oxymoronic pad to advertise food as "freshly frozen".. Oh yeah, and really, really pathetic.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I was writing four new lines of lyrics, but soon after, I realized that I had just written down the first four lines of Sum 41's 'Fat Lip'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"You mistook my litterally for literally, so I shat all on your mouse." - Jim's Cat, Regina

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“These may be tough times, people, but don't go and offend me because of it by offering me a mere $3.6 million for 'The Cassmark' painting!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Although I'm fairly desensitized to various roadkill, I was freaked out to see a 40-year-old-looking giant tortoise splattered on the road.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfucius: Pop a wheelie, pop a boner, cop a feelie, on your owner.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Earth Alien, Earth Alien, will you be mine? My martian dear, love you all the time. I'm just a ghoul, a ghoul in love with you.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Anytime that someone says 'shh' to you in attempt to quiet you, simply finish their word for them: 'it'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Favorite Roads: 1. The People's Court 2. Picabo Street 3. Electric Avenue”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A movie rental place has a 'free rental for every A' deal going on, so I pulled out an old 4th grade report card & asked to rent free porn.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ooh, Friday the 13th and a full moon. This means that the son of Jason and the Wolfman is on the prowl, waiting to exhale.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A doctor once asked, "What's the first thing that comes to mind?" Being an Honest Abe, I told him: Jody Sweetin.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd have a guitar and/or drum-off with you, but the only way that'd be fair would be for me to break one of my hands and fracture the other.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Various Artists - "Short Music for Short People"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Alex Trebek.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Chad Smith and Will Ferrell are targeting Lars Ulrich for their next drum-off. I always thought that Lars looked more like Aretha Franklin.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Someone said to me, "This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. This is your drugs on brain." But he wasn't using any props! Wtf!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 Things Jim Has Memorized: 1. His Library Card Number 2. Approx. Half of Fifty Nifty United States 3. The Beatles' catalogue, backwards”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That book burning is still going on? Today, it's called e-book deletion.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If they would allow cars to enter horse races, I think the sport of horse racing might just become race car driving.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The last 2 times that I turned on the tv early in the morning, Third Rock from the Sun was on.. I tried to convince myself twas a nightmare.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Shit yeah, I'm a ladies man. Or, if you're a complete asshole drenched in reality, a girly boy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Silly me! I thought that I was posting these in my private online diary! Good thing that so few read Spanish! Or grope the Johnny lingo!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“How do I come up with the song parts? And in which order do I come up with each?.. With a magic pile of food in my face, at once.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That a majority of auto-correct programs will change Pope Francis to Poop Francis?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A doctor that would get the words decision and incision mixed up with their patients would be a really cool doctor.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfucius: I can mash potatoes, I can do the twist. I can stew tomatoes, I can boo and hiss. I can do the Platos, I can reminisce.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When you need to know highlights of an American city, look no further than the NBA.. For good Jazz, go to Utah. The land of lakes: L.A.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sure, I'm borderline frightening to many people. I figure as long as I'm not borderline dumb, it's all good. Keeps the idjits away, too.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“He will walk through the wall if you want him to. If he's in your heart, then he'll be a part of you. If you have a heart, then Jimby's a pal for you.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The names have been changed to protect the innocent: 6/6/2014 - Patty Duke and her cousin Cathy caught smoking crack behind Walgreens.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I get the feeling that Ted Turner is gonna leave me a whole lotta his land acreage in his will. Stranger things have happened.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The NFL changed this coming year's Super Bowl logo to a numeric '50' instead of an alpha-numeric 'L'.. But what does the '50' stand for?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Boy or girl, I'd name a child Django Worcestershire McKenzie. I'd have to change my last name to McKenzie. And my first name to Coolidge.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: The Impossibles - "4 Song Brick Bomb"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The universe is part of a triverse that is a bridge to the pre-chorus. When I figure outro what the dick this means, I'll let you know.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Shopping List: giant melons, big balloons, juicy peaches, lumpy mounds, round rack, full jugs, bright headlights, colossal cups”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Guessing that it could only be awkward for someone digging something to actually be told 'You can do it, put your back into it.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When people say they're at their peak of something, I think they tend to mean peek-a-boo, I love you.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Tell an officer that you have guns in the vehicle.. But only carry a rubber band gun and concealed hot glue gun with permits.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If I was putting you on, you'd probably be a thong. Or a Mariah Carey song. But you're not, are you? I knew it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There's not even one legitimate reason for not knowing the difference between Dick York and Dick Sargent. Shit just got real.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That no 2 Corn Flakes are alike? See for yourself the next time it snows. Or when you feed the fish. If you have fish.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“As a boy, I was in the Optimist Little League.. I really wanted to be in the Pessimist Little League, damn everyone.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Without the White Stripes, there'd be no Black Keys. And without Cassmark, there'd be no music. Bless you, Jim." - Jack White

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm starting with the man in the mirror.. Wait just a moment. That's no mirror! That's a window! Why are you looking in my bathroom window?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I had 3 Shirley Temples, 2 Kiddie Cocktails, and a Roy Rogers. Drunk? Yeah, I'd say so.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I once said Shaq Fu, and some lady thought I swore. Looked at my watch, hiked on my crotch, off just a notch, called her a botch.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Walletitbeavercleaverminniemouseabiscuitsybitsyspiderbygonesteacherringwormillionairebamcentireironjeremyrtlebeachybreakyheartsyfartsyrup.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“4-way yield signs would probably fail miserably because at least 2 vehicles would assume that the other 3 ways would actually brake.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tactical practical galactical climatical dramatical didactical are all the things that my sandwich define. Oh, de sammy fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I am the bun and the hare of a flyness hoot is wing-inally vulture. I am the dun and bear of the hooting in particular." - WoodSmithsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Whenever I start singing the chorus to 'Just the Two of Us', I always start singing Will Smith's cover verse after.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Seriously, Rob Thomas' old buddy told me that Rob came up with several of Matchbox 20's hits in their pad on acid in '89.. Insert joke here.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Nerf Herder - "How to Meet Girls"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Mamba, as a candy, is plural, I think. So, does one call the singular a Mamba, Mambi, or Mambo when asking for a piece?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The day that I met the real Charles Dickens, it was totally unexpected. He was walking down the street screaming 'What year am I in? Ahhhh!'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Peen's got it. Yeah, baby, peen's got it.. Mime your penis, time your dryer, Billy Squier." - Pun-anarama (cover thong)

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“50 Cent's opening pitch at the Mets game.. Let's just say if he were playing darts, he would've hit the 8 ball in the corner pocket.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 Backstage Requests Jim Has for Shows at Venues: 1. Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper 2. Gerber Pears 3. Three's Company Season 2 VHS”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You've been about as helpful as a walkie talkie's call button two miles away while picking up an old lady's wireless phonecall on top of it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“But really, I'm probably the nicest guy on the planet.. Until I have to be otherwise. Then I'm not. And then they cry.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wonder if the Kool-Aid Man sleeps sitting upright or plastic wraps his pitcher head and lies down to sleep. Or if he just drains himself.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: If someone calls you handsome, tell them to hand some that money over for being. Right into your hand, some.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Boomerangs seem so multifaceted that I don't think I could ever possibly get the hang of a real one down. Or up.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 Things Found in Jim's Hair via Follicle Test: 1. $1.00 Off Tampax Coupon 2. Bigfoot DNA 3. Petrified Capri Sun”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hey, is Batman technically part vampire? Is Batman Dracula's nephew? Is Robin part bird? Does Robin lay eggs? Vampire eggs?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I carry around a 'Thinker Thinking' piece of paper and bust it out when I'm around a dumb loud mouth drinker drinking.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Once in a scavenger hunt, I passed off a piece of aluminum foil as tin foil. They had no idea!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“They said to throw Cole in to get the fire started. Did they not mean Paula Cole stuff? I didn't want to use up the charcoal.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Wondering how the movie 'Her' would've been different if the OS voice option chosen was that of Ja Rule instead of Samantha.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Flip people off with your middle finger; explain that your thumb was sleeping or you would've given a thumbs up.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“All you really need to know about the Amish is that Weird Al video and that one Tim Allen movie.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I said that I'd love you til death, I meant your death. Not mine. I'm way too healthy and will outlive you.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Still not sure why John Stamos was a percussionist in the Beach Boys' "Kokomo" video, but I do have 34 solid ideas entirely mapped out.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In the news: Will Smith & Jada Pinkett Smith Allegedly Under Investigation After Naming Daughter Willow.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: GZA - "Liquid Swords"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's 3 Favorite Partially Numeric Words: 1. S2 2. T8ertots 3. 4play”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I was so in the zone yesterday, I thought someone said they liked my pancreas when they actually said that they liked my pancakes.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Radio Shack is not the Love Shack. And the Love Shack is not Radio Shack. Radio Shack is a little old place where we can get together.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 New Words Added to Webster's 2014 English Dictionary: 1. zurkaburky 2. paynus 3. walnut”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“That joke was very practical.. I practiced it all night long on your mama.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The new X-Men movie is named 'Days of Future Past'.. So I just can't wait to see The Moody Blues make their acting debut!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ruthless Ruth on fruitless fruit, flies on pies won't compromise, sunny bunny watch hop runny, lovey the feely of the potato peely.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Not sure exactly how, but somehow, the McDonald's Moon Man had always reminded me of Ray Charles.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"If we want to figure out time travel, then we'll have to get the Cosmic Key and obtain power of Grayskull. He-Man knew." - Courteney Cox

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In the news: Kraft Recalls Cottage Cheese Due to Poor Storage; Stored in Cottage Made Entirely of Cheese.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I still and will always use Owen Hart's line "Well, enough is enough, and it's time for a change!" before I lie to sleep.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ha it's nice to get called a 'band's band'.. although I'm just a band of Jim that's a lot like Lil' Kim.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The giant-eyed Jupiter storm is shrinking at an alarming rate.. Well, not all that alarming since no one knows what the fuck it means.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: If more people that I went to school with that were in the Boy Scouts joined the Army, we'd have lost many wars.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Does anyone know if Jim Parsons is Alan Parsons' son? And, if so, is Jim Parsons half-blooded robot?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wondered if I just created the entire world around me in my own consciousness. But then I remembered that I'd never create Toby Keith.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Does anyone else pronounce 'Brussels' sprouts with the 's' on the end of it? I sure hope so, bub.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That the more alike you are to someone, the better chance that you've eaten very similar food preservatives over the years?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm pretty sure that I walked past my alien twin. It was identical to me. Furthermore, it was wearing an Enuff Z'Nuff t-shirt.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Once, I thought someone asked if I was naked. But they actually asked if I was decent.. I was still decent while naked, though.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Madvillain - "Madvillainy"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My mom let me know that 'Man on the Moon' was on tv last night. I was too busy watching 'Taxi'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Norelco Nabsico, Dru Hill starring Sisqó, Panic! at the Disco, The Sand Man Francisco, Country Crock with Crisco, Mercury and Wisco.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: In case you do not carry any milk skim through whole in the household and someone requests it, offer them Milk of Magnesia.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Macaulay Culkin wearing a t-shirt of Ryan Gosling wearing a t-shirt of Macaulay Culkin while drinking a fresh cup o' decaf acid. Groovay.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In the news: Judge Orders Investigation Into Casey Kasem's Location; The Mystery Machine Crew Takes on Case.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Where did the Lipozene lady go? Some things I will never know. My guess is she started to grow. A Lipozene poppin' failure, now we all know.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In 2nd grade, a kid told the music teacher that the song she was teaching us was for babies. In case you want to piss off the music teacher.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What the cool man just do it dude like life's way to rad to be all that specific while making all these plans and thinking that you're glue.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That there's really a place in France where the naked ladies dance? But I don't care cause I chew my underwear?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Frowns to the left of me, folkers to the right; here I jam.. Luck in the riddle with clue.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You're an asset? Hmm.. I believe that you pronounced asshat wrong, you asshat.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I shut off most of the electronics before leaving the place. Not so much to save money on electricity as to let my machines get some sleep.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Why do some people think that only women can have babies? Guys have belly buttons, too, ya know.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Sexiest Birds: 1. The Tufted Titmouse 2. The Blue-footed Booby 3. The Red-breasted Nuthatch”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Barbie's younger sister, Skipper, was named after The Skipper from Gilligan's Island?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If I had a dollar for every time that I thought up something socially relevant, I'd have half of George Washington's asscheek in my wallet.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Driverless car technology seems pointless. Driving is fun. Just bust out the teleportation technology already. I wanna see that shit.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes, newer cartoon versions of legendary characters such as Bugs Bunny have noticeably different voices than the original ones. Bogus.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfucius: 'Four on the floor, eight Bonnie Raitts, twelve Keebler Elves, sixteen Mr. Cleans!'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Instead of asking people to say 'cheese' or 'smile' when taking a picture, I point at one of my own nipples with my free hand & say 'boing'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Culture Club - "Waking Up with the House on Fire"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tony was a dead fish that I carried around in a bucket that I found on the beach when I was 4 years old. You never forget true love.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My cat, Regina babe, has whiskers that are half white on the end sides & half black on the base sides. I wish my whiskers were like that.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When food or beverages are sold at places that are the same price for any size, it's quite wrong to get anything but the largest size.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Supdate: Setting up recording dates soon for Cassmark's 'The 486SX EP'.. A 6-song journey through space, time, and sptime!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Dental floss, Who's the Boss, Randy Moss, gain or loss, salad toss, tasty sauce, big ol' Hoss.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Why do so many television commercials have doorbells ringing in them? When my dog's watching Animal Planet, she'll bark as if it's our bell.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What was the last album that I purchased two copies of because I'd lost one of them? Idk, I'm thinking the Afroman one.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'll go right ahead and predict that the Harlem Globetrotters will join the NBA within the next 10 years. And will also cameo in Scooby Doo.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Where did that question mark suit free money tv ad guy go? Where's my free money? Can I at least have your suit? Can I at least touch you?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Old Mother Hubbard squash bananas in pajamas, snapplesauce pataytays papayas shabaybays." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd be a lot better at Guitar Hero if the game were just a guitar. I end up trying to play along note-for-note on that plastic shitar.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That there is only one dumb question, and it's "Is there a such thing as a dumb question?" Of course there is, silly!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Eternal Champions was such a complexly programmed video game that none of the emulated versions of it have ever worked properly.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I bet that there was totally some pissed off original P. Diddy before Puff Daddy changed his name to that for a bit.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ever talk on the phone with someone that talks like Bob Newhart and repeats everything that you say in question form? It's not as funny.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wish that you were a bit more like Abe Lincoln. Not in the sense that you'd be smart or more honest. In the sense that you'd be more dead.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In the news: Rob Zombie covers Metallica's 'Enter Sandman'.. No, not even I make up things as stupid as this.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Twas as cool as drool when Gabe Kaplan was kicking ass at poker in the early 2000s.. Probably told the Kotter jokes he told to his wife.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“They say that marijuana doesn't kill, but what about all of those middle-aged stonings that happened? Now, try and explain that to me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Steven Chesne w/ The Luminous World Orchestra - "Moments from the Life Stories of Strangers"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 Things Jim Whistles to Calm Himself: 1. If I Only Had a Brain 2. The Taxi theme 3. John Coltrane's 'Giant Steps'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Bad Joke of the Minute: What was the dancing raver chick diagnosed with? Trance-vaginal mesh.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ever see someone throw a handful of tea bags into a pitcher of ice water and expect them to steep? Because it's hilarious.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Dude, he was a crazy cat lady without the cats or the lady. Ja slam-a-damn that bitchy bam!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Who's the turnip that decided it'd be a grand idea to continue calling it by the original name, rapeseed oil?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: If someone asks if you've read or seen Gone with the Wind, say yes, but now it's gone. With the wind. Make wind sounds, too.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Land O'Lakes butter is produced, manufactured, and distributed by Minnesotan sea cows?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Merely mirrorly, dearly deerly, eerily earily, purely peerily, wryly Riley, while he wily, sheerly cheerily, tierally tearily.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I was gonna go ahead and buy myself a pair of Air Jordans, but then I went ahead and convinced myself that I wasn't 12 anymore. Garh.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I just cannot stand it when there are 2 volumes that you're trying to choose between, and one is too quiet while the other is too loud!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Why did Wyclef use the horn line that he used in Lord Tariq & Peter Gunn's 'Deja Vu (Uptown Baby)' in Shakira's 'Hips Don't Lie'?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Have I ever read the Parliament? Perhaps.. I guess it depends on which album(s) you're talkin' about.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Most nothing's less exciting than indoor recess. Except for no recess. Or SSR in place of recess.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: One of the most powerful drummers I've ever seen was the one for The Ataris; he broke 3 snare heads in sound check.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Wishing that I'd find a farm field with golf balls in it again. If I did, I'd go pick them up, wash them off, start a driving range.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“So I don't have to forcefake laughing at people, I've created a push-button laugh box on my ass that I use so my face can remain motionless.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In an attempt to make Ronald McDonald "be modern and relevant", McDonald's made him a rapping scrapping juggalo.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm considering buying a page ad in Playboy Magazine and making a page of mirror so people will see themselves in it!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Is it any wonder I've got too much thyme on my hands? It's licking away with my herbed peas. It's hard to believe such a calm amber tea.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Mobb Deep - "The Infamous"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'll always be able to play the first 5 songs that I've written on guitar in 2001, but they kinda sound like same-era Radiohead, dude.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfinition: tubmarine (n.) - 1. A toy submarine chillin' in the bath tub. 2. A submarine sandwich eaten in the bath tub.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That chewing gum while chopping onions prevents the eye tearing that normally happens when doing so?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 Books Jim Prefers Hard Copies Of: 1. Dictionaries 2. Atlases 3. Recipe Books”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I always felt bad for the Soggies when Cap'n Crunch would mess them up, because the cereal was much better soggy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I did it all for the boogie, the woogie, so you can teach that Dougie, and stick up out your ass, stick up out your ass..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Why, oh why, do we say ice cream and not iced cream?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Licky sticky ya ya ta ta, witchy bitchy ya ya hee, Counta Chocolata ya ya, I'll drink your only Gatorade.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Breaking News: Purported Loch Ness Monster sighting via Apple Maps turns out to be Long Dong Silver's old prosthetic dong swimming in lake.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Congratulations to Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen on wedding each other! They seem really happy together.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Kids, your dyed lucky rabbit feet are not lucky. They curse you. Like candy? Should probably take my word for it." - The Easter Bunny

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My favorite birdies are the ones that whistle a G# to F# and throw in an occasional B to A. Pretty bird, dancy pants.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That most of my writings read much smoother when translated into Latin?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You can never tighten jar and bottle lids too tight. But you can always tighten them tight enough for someone to be a bitch about it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Try forming your own Pepsi vs. Coke taste test, but use RC and Diet Rite for all of the tastings.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Pondering whether people with only really good looking profile pics also notice how much uglier they are in all of their other pics, too.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Life gets better with every prehistoric time traveling Jadwiga that you meet.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Me hopes that no one goes on Jerry Springer and actually expects a happy ass story/fairy tale ending/surprise.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Thinking that a wet dog becomes part fish, because a wet dog smells like the lake on a windy high tide.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I give out the peace sign when I can.. I hope that people assume I'm calling them a peace of shit when doing so.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Do guys ever shave and then stencil in their eyebrows? That would be a lot of stenciling in. Especially if they have bushies like I do.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Genesis - "Spot the Pigeon"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've always considered the letter 'w' more of a double-v than a double-u, but I guess it depends on how you write dem w's.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Angela Lansbury is the biggest stoner that I've ever met. Angela Lansbury is the biggest boner that I'll ever get.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In a double-unblind taste test, cake tastes better than everything. Damn, do I love cake.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There's a new age group named 2002.. It should now be considered an old age group by all accounts of my imagination, anyhow.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Someone called me retarded, so I told them about autism and gave them my IQ. Ha ya know, just so they felt bad, wrong, dumb, like a dick.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What kind of bunnies pop out Cadbury Eggs like chickens do? I want one. Do they come out wrapped or fresh? Hmm..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That the eHarmony guy has been dating himself for nearly seventeen years now?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Has anyone has ever named their child Diaper? I sure hope so. 'Come here, Diaper, time to eat. Diaper, time to change your diaper.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ever wonder how your e-mail service manages whether a message qualifies as junk or not? I hear with litmus paper or something.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Flamboyantly flammable flamingo flamming flamenco flamefish, grandiosely granular grandducal Granada graniferous granola.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd consider getting a pair of Goggle Glasses if they would be renamed Google Goggles. Do it. Do me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Bleachers is such a stupid name. They're normally painted green, red, or wood. Not bleached! Duh. Wah duh duh uh buh buh.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Got a brand new pillow. It wasn't much a thrillo. It felt a bit like Brillo. And not a pussy willow.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My toaster malfunctioned, and the piece of toast came out looking like a middle-aged Art Garfunkel. And garlicky.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Dear drunk girl, the band probably appreciates your nonstop shouting out the biggest hit of their career as if it's the end of the world.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I tried being slick after winning once like Mia Hamm by taking my shirt off. But silly me, I wasn't even wearing a sports bra.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Carry a few plies of toilet paper around and start dabbing someone with it. Explain to them that they are a piece of shit.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Amanda Bynes' mom suggested that it's pot and not mental health issues wrong with her daughter, proving that the issues stem from her mom.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Proud to say that I am still getting free internet access thanks to the America Online disk that was sent in the mail in 1996!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Living next to Lake Michigan, I wonder if any sharks or ocean life ever made it through the St. Lawrence Seaway and the Great Lakes.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Buddy Miles - "Them Changes"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Note to self: Don't forget to note to self your note to self about your other note to self.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Someone that I know keeps calling a guy named Walter by the name of Howard, but it kind of makes sense to me somehow.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Vote Jim of Cassmark for Queen of the Open Seas.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Do you ever feel like you might know more about a band than the band knows about the band? Do you ever feel like you love me? Do you? Ooh.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmercial: 'Choosy moms choose Jim.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I make fart noises with my hand and arm pit. So groovy. Watch me cross the road next. If you dare me, I might do it. So groovy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm guessing that you're a psychologist, because psychologist is long for psycho. And you sure are psycho.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“This just in: Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs legally changes name to 'Puffy the Vampire Player'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Damn, that sounds sick! And by sick, I mean like something is vomiting into my inner ear lobe. Please turn that spew off.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: If you really want to confuse a religious fanatic, just ask them what the hell god awful means.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Does "Any other use of this telecast or any pictures, descriptions, or accounts of the game without written consent is prohibited" mean that I'm not allowed to even discuss the televised game?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“After standing next to you, I'd be more prone to believe in a new world odor than a new world order. Just saying, you smell like cattle.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Common sense is that real mermaids have to live in fresh water. They can't survive in salt water long. Don't feed mermaids salt-water taffy!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: When someone tells you to do something kind, try doing something kind of creative like pulling your pants down and wiggling.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The Rednex 'Cotton-Eyed Joe' song is one of those songs that will stay with you forever & then some. Out of all the songs, why ones as such?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That the first ever piece of writing paper was a 1-inch thick piece of legal college ruled balsa wood?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“At least where I live, there are liquor stores with drive-thru windows.. You know, because the customers might be too drunk to walk in.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“James Franco might've tried to pick up a teen online. My question: How can you pick up someone with a car on the internet? Oh, like a creep?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfucius: Dangle the mango, anger the dingo, mangle the tango, tangle the lingo.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Did Manfred Mann et. al realize that it sounded like 'Revved up like a douche, another boner in the night' upon laydown playback?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Let's Go Bowling - "Freeway Lanes"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I once had a dream where someone asked who my favorite Marx Brother was, and I said Donna Summer. And everyone laughed. As if it made sense.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Earlier, I walked by Frosty the Melted Puddleman. That bitch is crazy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Couldn't think of anything original to do for April Fools' Day, so I stuck to tradition and flung dog shit at people.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What's more dope than an isotope? Scope my rope and grope for hope. Elope the pope. Cope with soap. Rah first Op. Mope for a nope.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“4/1/14: I was flying around town yesterday in the sky with my wings, pulled out a pair of scissors and cut a kite free. Flying is so cool.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: If I were 14 today, I'd more than likely be a big Jason Derulo fan.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's the best, no it's better; it's a cheddar in a sweater, it's a Shredder in a fetter, it's a cheesy Eddie Vedder!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Songs That Sound Weird Not Played Together: 1. The Beatles 'Sgt. Pepper's/With a Little Help from My Friends 2. Queen 'We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions' 3. Green Day 'Brain Stew/Jaded'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The term alphabet is just the first 2 letters of itself - alpha and beta. Now, what the hello is a gammalamb?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If Lou Bega ever messed up just one of the female names in performing Mambo No. 5, the rest of the names would be a confused fustercluck.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Guess the Robin Williams movie I'm thinking of? Did you think up Patch Adams? Congrats! You're invited to a private screening of Hook.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Computer Talk: Lemme RAM my hard drive before you insert your floppy. Porn Talk: Lemme RAM my hard drive before you insert your floppy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Your Daily Horoscope: Today, you will meet yourself at the park. Then, you will then understand why nobody likes you. And why you're single.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In regards to Roy G. Biv: Indigo makes no sense. Who added it? There's no rainbow with indigo. I wouldn't mind it. But it's not there.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's weird to think that many born today will grow up not knowing the tragedy behind a scratch in a CD causing songs to skip.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Lotsa lackluster in your dustbuster honey nutcluster now in a fluster from what I muster Last Stand of Custer where go Blockbuster?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: My birth middle name is Louis. My awesome middle name is Nefertiti.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Who defined the small and large intestines so? Clearly, it must've been one with a large brain and a small bankroll.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“An easy way to determine whether you're a cat or not: If you can lick your junk, you're a cat; if you can read this, you're not a cat.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutouts of the Week: EPMD - Any of their albums with the word "Business" in them.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Neck of hoot woods, hoots got the goods, hootafucker, I'mma go hootevil on your polluting head. Pick up hoot bread." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Thinking 'Excuse me, are you a pirate? Cause you have a lot of booty!' would be a good pickup line. But no one prolly wants to hear that.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: If the robot from Rocky IV came over singing Happy Birthday Paulie, I'd be so happy even though I'm not Paulie.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“So what if I sleep with my guitar? My animals are used to it. They'd think a person is missing without it there on bed at night.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfucius: Balderdash, poppycock, rigmarole, tommyrot, fecklessness, double-talk, malarkey, applesauce.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Well, they turned me away for trying out for Miss America. Apparently, you can't have a penis if you want to enter the contest.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Currency would really be more accurate if we'd be able to legally rip bills into pieces to be a fraction of the denoted amount.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Garter snake, opaque lake, ice cream cake, belly ache, lie awake, bad remake, really fake, parking brake, my mistake, Plants by Jake.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I would play more games, but that would cut into my eating time. And who the fuck would want that? Not me. No way.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm gonna start wearing a long chain on my wallet again. There's an attachment hole on it. Embrace my toughian ruffian.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Out of the concert bands that I've been in, not one single French horn player. They're pretty sounding to look at.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Aw shucks if cause you're corny, aw fucks if cause you're sworny, aw sucks if cause you're horny.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ever see a machine that turns water into a solid, non-cold material? It's really nice. Clothes made out of water. Amazing!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ever notice the year stamps on sidewalk tiles and recall when they were new cement? If so, it probably means that you're really old.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark was coined by a 10-year old girl named Cassie as her signature on the back of her homemade 'Hallmark' cards.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There's been a see through the window birdhouse on my bedroom window for a month now, plenty of chirping birds around, not one inside.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ever vacuum the end of your $150 headphones clear off of the end of the cord? I just did. I'm still gonna wear them and pretend for now.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Wes Craven's New Nightmare was real, as in non-fiction? Wow. Freddy be creddy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Bob Ross had hair on his head that looked like he painted out the original styling for. Yes, I am jealous.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A public service announcement: The Prnt Scrn buttonkey may save your life, be a tease, love you right, birds and bees.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: k.d. lang - "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Yes, I'd buy beverages that were Pepsodent flavored. Mmmmm. It's good. Ooooohhhhhh. It good. Gahhhh. Good.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I had to inform someone that I was Italian, Polish, and Croatian because they initially asked me if I was Dutch and Bohemian.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Racecar driving never meant much to me. Never really got into it. Besides Richard Petty. He means everything to me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Courtney Love may have found Flight 370! Whenever I think of the term Asian Intelligence Officer, she always comes to mind first & foremost.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Pretty sure that if I bought some vintage-ass food and/or beverages, like from 30+ years ago, I'd just be too curious and eat/drink them.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Gravity boots. No, they do not work like in the original TMNT cartoons. Yes, I fell off the side of the wall trying.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“This year, I decided to celebrate St. Patrick's Day along with everyone else by washing myself with Irish Springs.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I don't know, and not to sound gross, but if I were in the NBA, I'd be a total champ by pulling down my opponent's shorts. A lot. Game over.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: When someone has bad breath, don't offer them your Tic Tacs; oh no. Offer them some Speed Stick for their mouth B.O.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Until last night, never before have I looked at the moon and correctly thought "Ya know, that looks like a full moon." I'm a werewolf now.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If my dream catcher really worked, last night it should've caught a dolphin, a yam field, Buffalo Springfield, Morris Day & another dolphin.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What can I say about this cup? It's blue, plastic, filled with ice water, sexy, intelligent, sophisticated, independent, lovely.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Given professional wrestling, I wonder how many times that the fake refs mess up the count and actually tap three times to end a bout.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: When you clap your hands when you don't really want to be, think of it as kind of giving yourself mini hi-fives.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My doctor said that I have the general knowledge of an average 138-year-old person and the emotional level of an average 11-year-old.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The Odd Couple show line 'Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday, he would return to her' didn't fit in the series.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“With all of the re-runs of television series, I wish that someany station would play the Swamp Thing series sometime.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My grandma had a Sony alarm clock that would play the crappiest rendition ever of Here Comes the Sun as the alarm. It put me back to sleep.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I grew up in a crowd that frowned upon the usage of 1564 progression. I still hear it used in many a style of tunes.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Barefoot Jimtessa: Remember everyone, six drops make a dash. Here, try my homemade lemon sorbet. Do you dig? Great, now try this fig.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“From Jefferson Airplane to Jefferson Starship makes it seem a legitimate reality for a Jefferson Teleporter to happen.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Steve Hackett - "Voyage of the Acolyte"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Paraffin, Claritin, regimen, Sheraton, keratin, librarian, adrenaline, barbarian, gelatin, skeleton, terrapin, specimen.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Angela Lansbury was named by rearranging the phrase SUN AGE YARN BALL?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“After Justin Timberlake released The 20/20 Experience with his high-tech glasses, he realized that he wasn't bringing sexy back.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“No, I did not misspeaky. The moon looks like a waning croissant. I mentor it. Anyways, it's a waxing crescent if ya wanna get all Propel.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wear a men's size 13 in several shoe brands, size 12 in a few brands, and size 11.5 in a specific brand. Can't we all just get along?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Happy 311 Day everyone! "On the town one light I'm a glow worm, for several hours wiggle jiggle like I'm a huge sperm."”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You can't have your cake and eat it too. Unless you suggest that you're having a cake baby. And that would just be so gross.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Needing blood drawn this morning, last night I wrote down 'Get shot this morning'.. Upon reading this first thing in the A.M., kinda scary.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My cat Regina told me that I wasn't even as cultured as her secret stash of buttermilk. Fml.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I before E except after C? Weird foreign species science!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jadakiss' laugh scares me. If he started laughing assuming we might be hanging out or something, I might start crying.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm not fond of vomit being a human and all. Kind of gross. But I could watch a bird regurgitate into another bird's beak anytime.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Buckethead wears a KFC bucket on his head because he eats through the top of his head through a mouth that's under it?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You really got a hold on me (you really got a hold on me).. Would you mind not gripping my cheeks so firmly? Or at all? Why r u doing that?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Cause I am a bansheeon, and you’re gonna hear me bore. Oh oh snore snore snore snore." - Katy Perry

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“B.I.R.B.W.T.S.G. = "Bitch, I'd rather be watching The Secret Garden."”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfucius: Sector the vector. Erector protector. Detector the spectre. Projector reflector.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: If someone says you've insulted their intelligence, ask if they prefer that you result their outelligence.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Rubber bands, rubber boots, rubber tires, rubber suits, rubber stamps, rubber fruits, rubber ducks, rubber chutes. Where's my rubber cement?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“At 19, I pulled out of a gas station with the nozzle still in my car. The owner was so mad that I broke the machine, he told me to just go.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Sugar Minott - "Reggae Legends"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I'd like to welcome the one, the only, the super-wickay talentay, the mousay mouse, Mackey Moose!" - John 'Johanes Travalutar' Travolta

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The Scopes Monkey Trial should be brought up more often. Mainly because it sounds funny. Money bunny. Koala Yummies in my tummy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I've known every single 'word' to the very very end of Aerosmith's 'Rag Doll' for a grand majority of my life.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Rambo casually went by his middle name, Richard?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I know an old lady, she swallowed bonsai. But I don't know why. She swallowed bonsai. I know an old lady, she lived in a shoe. A bugabooboo.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: If you need a good alias to use, the name Vinny Testaverde will work. Because, Vinny, no other name could fit you.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The Oscars or whatever they're called wouldn't be half as awkward if the cameras wouldn't keep switching over to the off-guard audience.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The Ides of March: Live from an Arch, I'm your vehicle, baby, and I run on starch.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Math: (Sum 41 + Nine Inch Nails) x (10cc x 10 Years After) = Powerman 5000”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I have to still remind myself that Jiminy Glick is a Martin Short character and not a real person.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“FOR PROMOTIONAL USE ONLY. SALE OR OTHER TRANSFER IS PROHIBITED. MUST BE RETURNED ON DEMAND OF RECORDING COMPANY.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Do you know what I mean?".. Yes, yes, I do! You meant to ask if I comprehended what you'd said. In that case, no, no, I do not!

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“As a kid, I read this book that was titled Squanto: Friend of the Pilgrims. I remember thinking how great it'd be if it were realistic.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: While making a bid on something, start by offering Sixpence None the Richer. If that's not enough, sing 'Kiss Me'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Doug Flutie. Great name and all. I just wish that he was a professional flute player. Is that so much to ask? No.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Muzzy himself founded the Rosetta Stone language learning program?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you ever need some picks, I will be there. Anytime you have none, I'll have them; I care. I love you, you're precious, a pick I will share.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 Ben & Jerry's New Flavors: 1. Jerry's Hairy Peary Dairy 2. Creamy Banana Benergy 3. Fatty Acid Trip & Flaxseed Surprise”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Har Mar Superstar - "You Can Feel Me"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did You Know?': That Virginia Woolf wrote all of her books dancing?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Stack N Smack, LOBO Cat, Snacky Pack, spoiled brat, Freddie Mac, Welcome mat, yacky yack, chitty chat, Dis-n-Dat, from way back.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In order for the Nintendo Power Pad to be comfortable to use anymore, my left and right legs would have to be at 1 and 12 respectively.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“This one time, there was an "interactive" card trick to follow along with on a David Copperfield broadcast. He got mine wrong. What a sac.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I only imagine that the other guys thought 'Shut your damn mouth, Paul' as he sang 'She Loves You' at the end of 'All You Need Is Love'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: When someone asks if you want to do lunch, try and reply 'If lunch is you, then yes, time for some luncheon.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: It was Jeremy that pulled the fire alarm in my A.M. kindergarten class and had the entire school line up outside.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Headstrong dead wrong ping pong in thong fork prong furlong Cheech Chong their bong theme song prolong King Kong bang gong sarong ding dong.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Most animals are gross-as-gel looking without fur. Maybe I'll be purdy if I glue the loose coyote fur to my entire face & body!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tom, Tom, the piper's son, hot cross buns, see how they run, the clock struck one, the mouse ran down, hickory, dickory, dock!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you need to break out in freaky dance, I suggest trying it to The Ting Ting's "That's Not My Name". This is my jam. Get it, tiger!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I had to buy a 'Big & Rich' CD. Haha, not for myself. When looking for it, I started searching in the R's for 'Rig & Bitch'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Let's give Pat Sajak some credit in hosting Wheel of Fortune! I would've lost that job the first week calling someone a 'really dumb ass'!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfucius: Flossage a sausage with glossage to tossage some drossage in lossage of mossage upon thy fosseage.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Why do gas stations always name gasoline 'unleaded'? As if getting 'leaded' gasoline will ever be an option again.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 Biggest Google Failures: 1. Google Diaper 2. Google Guillotine 3. Google Vibrate”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Shakespeare was not only a writer; he also created many many fishing poles and reels. After all, Hamlet was based on a family of Crappies.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Shape up or ship out, drape up or drip spout, grape up or grip grout, scrape up or scrip out.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Golden Crisp and Honey Smacks are the same cereals with two pimp-ass mascots, Sugar Bear and Dig'em Frog?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Laurel Aitken - "Scandal in a Brixton Market"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I would bet that a majority of people know moreso about what Albert Einstein looked like than know of anything he'd done for physics.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I rememba when it was possible to call up a payphone and it'd start ringing. Someone answered for me once. I saved them 25 cents.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hewlett-Packard, Packard Bell, Bell System, system Dell, Dell Curry, curry paste, paste cut copy, copy trace.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ever have a dream in which you seemingly cannot make sound? And wake up feeling like you're falling? It's okay, Dorothy, Auntie Jim's here.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In Rush's 2112 Overture, it's said 'Attention all Planets of the Solar Federation: We have assumed control'.. 2112: The Furby takeover.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I was watching the downhill skiing event at the Sochi Olympics, and then Michael Phelps swam the course to win the Gold Medal Flour!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The creepiest thing that one can do is wink at someone while saying the word 'wink'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There should be a Fleetwood Mac album called 'Nomad'. I figured it out with a special logarithm that I used to decode Eve 6's "Inside Out.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A chef has created a meal based on Radiohead's 'KID A' album.. Please tell me that the cheffy did not use cloned food in honor of it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If I ever have a real-life conversation similar to a senior life insurance commercial, I hope that I, too will be reading from cue cards.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you're thirsty, Fred Dursty, just White Page 'Alley, Kirstie'; she'll give you a bursty of spurtsy to topsy your turvy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There were 2 public restrooms that I've been to in my life that really were about as nice as the Candyman movie one. Maybe nicer.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: While flipping a coin with someone for something, quickly give and then agree on these rules: Heads - I win. Tails - you lose.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cackley gaggles, gobbley kibbles, Googley Goggles, doubley dribbles, savory bagels, nuggety nibbles, oddity gobbity, giggly gibbles.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Granted my baby pic generator is accurate, if Q*Bert and Lucy Lawless had a child together, it would look like Mel Gibson of Braveheart.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That a stab in the dark is approximately 37% more effective than a shot in the dark?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A Day in the Life... of Jim: 02/14/2014: Jim's 10th anniversary of vegetarianism. Design of a Decade, or is that a Janet Jackson album?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Fake Kenny G Album Names: 1. Registered Sax Offender 2. Saxual Intercourse/Saxual Reproduction 3. Sax with My Hands”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Harry Crews - "Naked in Garden Hills"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Dr. John, he's the boom, he's got a womb or something like that. Maybe it's a kangaroo pouch? Maybe it's a fanny pack? Idk, he's the boom.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Until the other day, my mom didn't even realize that Beck's 'Odelay' album cover was a dog - a Komondor - jumping a hurdle.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Why is there a leaf of lettuce that is one of the Fruit of the Loom mascots? I thought that lettuce was a veggie of the taint.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Initially, I thought that the original 'Help, I've fallen and I can't get up' commercial was 'Help, I'm falling and I can't get up'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Oxidize, oxidate, synchronize, syncopate, punctual, punctuate, simplify, simplicate!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That semantics has allowed Zest soap shavings sprinkled in or on food to be considered 'Zesty' tasting food?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Still, I'm on the fence about which was better: The Dollhouse Murders book or made-for-tv movie. They're both wondertastic, stretch elastic.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Marilyn Manson said in an interview that he survives off of wolf feces and pepper spray. Why yes, I did just make that up!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I like 10-hours of playing guitar, 25-mile bike rides, bubble baths, Tony Danza, and playing 20+ year-old video games.. Ladies, get at me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“She's a Larry, Moe Moe Moe, she's a Larry, talkin' about that Curly, Larry, and the Larry is Fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tabithany seems like a good name for a baby! I told someone this, and they seemed relieved when I told them that I have no children.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: If you want to know how organized someone is, just go through their computer. It will tell you all there is to know.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The keyboard song in the end of the Breakfast Club where Molly Ringwald gives that one chick a makeover; that scene was based on my life.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Without even a mere second thought on the matter, my favorite Beach Boys song is still "Help Me, Rodney".”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wonder if I hold onto my mp3 collection if it'll be worth something down the road? After all, most are still in mint condition!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If I could change one thing about the world, it would be your face. But I might choose to prevent that Nancy Kerrigan attack instead.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: If you ever invite Aretha Franklin over for some sex, don't put on Janet Jackson as sex music. She was pissed!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“As a kid, I made a Citizen's Arrest on myself for removing the Parental Advisory sticker on two cassette tapes that I wanted.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"¯\_(ツ)_/¯ IDK SMH Y2K VGA, OPP USB WWW EXE" - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Wouldn't the upcoming "Celebrity Boxing Match" featuring DMX vs. George Zimmerman make more sense being a "Celebrity Shootoff"?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Polaris - "Music From the Adventures of Pete & Pete"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Pickles on my moustache, Galla wants milk, incognito for burrito, nommy nommy nilk." - Gallagher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes when people are dead serious, I wish they were seriously dead.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I think that I could laugh at the shit on UrbanDictionary all day long. The definitions with more dislikes are brilliant and hardly known.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A lesson in King's English: 'Bloody fuddy dippy slippy on the nippy, bloddy roddy lippy grippy on the nippy, hippie trippie on the nippy.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If 103% of men at least once measure their dong with a ruler, does that mean that 3% of women measure their invisible dong?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I swear damn, I probably watched "Yes, Dear" a hundred times before I even knew the name of it to be so and not 'The Mike O'Malley Show'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Christopher Lloyd overjoyed, Pink Barber Floyd still employed, Sigmund Sleep Freud bad dreams destroyed, Avoid the Noid or become annoyed.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Never will I hear "Buster Pointdexter's" song 'Hot Hot Hot' without subconsciously thinking/singing 'Toyota Hot Hot Hot!' Never!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: If someone asks how you are doing and likely expecting you to respond 'good', ask them if they have a couple of hours.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You know, if I took things more literally, every day would be my birthday given how often I wear my birthday suit. I'd be a lot older!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's 2014 Superbowl Prediction: I'll probably turn on the Puppy Bowl and stare in disbelief at how completely stupefying it is.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes, people want to know what cologne I'm wearing. They tend to be surprised when I tell them that it's the natural scent of my balls.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I have double respect for both Tony Bennett and Bob Uecker because they look like twin broskis.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Mississippi Scott if you know what I got, Mississippi Scott he taught me the robot, while the rest of them dudes were a gettin' their kicks, buddy beg your pardon - I was a dank ass dancing robot!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Arnold Schwarzenegger made a cameo in The Expendables. A joke was made about running for President. Guessing this was pre-lovechild news.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd seen the video for Phil Collins' "Don't Lose My Number" before I could speak. He was a fly in that video for a bit. So magical. YOLO.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Digital remastering will become so advanced that it'll be possible to restore the original sound on silent films.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Favorite Typos: 1. Evacuate - Ejaculate 2. Ripple - Nipple 3. Broasted - Breasted”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jeff Probst hosted 'Rock & Roll Jeopardy!'.. He once called a contestant the wrong name, and the guy responded such as 'It's okay, Alex.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Wishes He'd Have Granted by a Genie: 1. Unlimited wishes 2. Free unlimited anytime nationwide calls 3. 'Love Unlimited' CDs”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: REO Speedwagon - "You Can Tune a Piano, But You Can't Tuna Fish"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmercial: 'Just say No to drugs, Mo to Thugs, go to bugs, and blow to jugs!'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Magic nougat nugget nacho manja ninja stalwart poncho minion knuckle duppy honcho minuet stable crumpet gonzo.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Heard someone say 'It's sad that Pete Seeger passed away. I love "Like a Rock."' If I had a rock, I would've thrown it at their Chevy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I can perfectly sing Chilli's bridge in TLC's "Diggin' on You". I often do for those who don't know what's happening and then just happened.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Jimpac cares, if don't nobody else care.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I remember grabbing the mail naked. I was waiting out on the porch for the carrier. He could tell that I was excited to grab the mail.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Free rider, sea tider, Dee Snider, tea cider, tree glider, key hider, flea spider, 3-sider, divider, spree guider, bee wider, knee strider.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A while back on 'The Simpsons', Homer's brother invented a device that spoke what a baby thought. It doesn't seem that far-fetched anymore.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Supdate: Building financials for the completion of Cassmark's 'The 486SX EP'. Money is expensive! Figuring out the recording sessions soon!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Either this is the absolutely best jazz or the absolutely worst Bach rendition that I've ever heard with my own three ears!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Anyone that wears a "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt needs to be institutionalized, because I French every person that I see wearing one.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Gary Sinise pulled off a miracle by getting back-to-back roles in the Tom Hanks flicks Forest Gump and Apollo 13. Damn near ink edible!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Stephen Hawking suggests that black holes don't exist.. Well, my IQ is one point above his, so I kind of don't give one flying fuck.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I tell guitarists all the time.. Maybe if you cleaned yourself like you clean your guitar, you wouldn't smell so much like the way you play.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you got a problem with Steve Winwood, then you got a problem with me. And when you got a problem with me, I cry and beg you not to.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: If someone asks 'Do you talk that way to everyone?', say something like 'No, only to specially selected dumb-asses like you.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes, I just look at my parents and count my lucky stars that I didn't turn out any uglier than I actually did.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“How did 'bootleg' get termed? I'm sure no one illegally records shows with a device in their boot. Given the quality of some, maybe they do!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That 93% of the time that the word 'technically' is used, it is "technically" misused?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Johnny Socko - "Full Trucker Effect"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“To retire from public life, Shia LaBeouf had airplanes draw STOP CREATING in the sky. If it was for himself, it'd read STOP BEING A BITCH.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: For optimum MPG while freeway driving, try blasting a Robert Palmer 'Best Of' album, suggesting 'I did mean to turn you on!'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I actually get something from most of the stuffed animal claw-grabbing games on first try. I'm probably still getting ripped off greatly.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm intrigued by maps created before the existence of airplanes and satellites. They had to have involved a crazy amount of work/creativity.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'll do an Interview, yes with the Vampire, I've got free PayPerView, yes with my amp wire, & used some glitterglue, to fix Billy Squier.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That WD-40 stands for 'Water Displacement, 40th Formula' and for 'Walt Disney, 40th Anniversary'?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Out there is a sturgeon waitin' hoot be nabbed, hoot think I'll let it go hoot mad, hoot got another wing comin'." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Super-young, I tried catching the mirror's reflection off guard by making sporadic movements. You'll slip sometime, damn you!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When guitarists leave the tails on guitar strings from the tuning knobs, I wonder if it's an attempt to cover up all of the missed notes.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“On Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day and every day, I take some time to think of how recent in history the Civil Rights Movement was.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Never have I witnessed anyone advertise their prostate as much as Joe Theismann. Although, Jamie Lee Curtis does take a close 2nd.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In regards to restaurants with chopsticks: I don't know how to eat with them. Twice, I did table drum solos with them and got my meals free!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: If you want to discuss 'Small Wonder' with somebody, your best chance is to refer to it as 'That 80s Little Robot Girl Show'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Once, I microwaved some popcorn kernels for what reason I don't know. For reals, they popped to perfection! I was still afraid to eat them.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I knew that Chili Pepperino dog would be okay when I put on some ska and she started skanking.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I remember complex number patterns by visualizing the 3x3 calculator or push-dial phone keypad as a starting point.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy was the scariest fucking thing that I'd ever seen.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 TV Characters that Wouldn't Exist Without the Professor (R.I.P.) from Gilligan's Island: 1. MacGyver 2. Walter White 3. Bob Vila”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Pick up a copy of 'Kidz Bop: Cassmark'! Entice your children to hear more than just the days of the week! Only $22.95 ($10.95 S&H)!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If one says 'I quit smoking', I usually assume it to mean they'd given up tobacco. But, it can also mean someone started using only e-cigs.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Redhead Kingpin and the F.B.I. - "A Shade of Red"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes, when I hear people sing The Star-Spangled Banner at events, I wonder why they just didn't ask me to sing it for the occasion.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Every time 'Glory Days' comes on, I ad-lib my own daily story over Bruce's while sort of singing along.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I was 4 & having a tantrum at a restaurant. My dad said they'd jail me if I kept it up. He pointed to the jail. I knew it was an apartment.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Oops.. I went to the candy store and asked for some Drops of Jupiter. I thought that they'd be chocolate, but they handed me a Train album.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: If a lady asks for a Bic, have a pen and/or lighter ready to offer.. Don't offer her your facial razor and Barbasol.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmercial: 'The best part of waking up is Fogerty in your tub.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Given how cool the name is, 'liquid smoke' should be something that comes in very small quantities and gets excreted by wizards.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 Things Jim Thinks Will Soon Make a Come Back: 1. Corduroy Pants 2. Polaroids 3. "Da bomb"/"Yo Mama's so"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If the Tecmo Super Bowl simulation is still anything accurate, I'll go ahead and predict the Houston Oilers to win this year's Super Bowl.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“They cut down the old pine tree, and they hauled it away to the mill, to make a coffin of pine for that sweetheart of mine, they cut down the old pine tree.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: If someone starts telling you stupid stuff, ask them if they have an Aunt Rhody.. because they should go and tell her.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I always thought it'd be clever if there was a button on the TV that one could push and it would sound off the missing remote controller.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The action figure for the Masters of the Universe creature Leech was supposed to suction to things, but instead it just sucked.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I could've sworn there was a Roxette video where they were on a Ferris wheel together. It all must've been a dreamsicle.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That every time a bell rings, an angel gets his boner?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark Unrealistic News: Dr. Demento teams up with Yoko Ono, record first new Beatles track together, "Bingo, Ringo", in over 43 years!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My mom suggested that Michael McDonald doesn't laugh often. I suggested that we send him a picture of her and film his response.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Either the dog learned how to lick her arms clean from the bathing cat, or she sneaked in the bathroom where I was licking myself clean.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Mrs. Grass soup just sounds good. Much better than I recall it being. I picture grass soup at first, and that somehow makes it seem good.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Remember when Taco Bell promoted the Double Decker with Shaq vs. Hakeem? Which was the soft shell and which was the hard shell?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: T-Ride - "T-Ride"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Say, how come cartoons never have gag reels? The actors must be very well trained in them.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“This lady stated 'I want a baby in my stomach, and I don't mean by eating one'.. I'm glad she clarified that. Cause she looked hungry.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Last night, I scratched my ass cheek. It felt great. There was an itch then. It's gone now. I thought you should know. Kind of important.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The regional coding system used for DVD players is probably the single most failed attempt at preventing worldwide piracy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Proof that looks can be deceiving: Gregg Allman has that song called "I'm No Angel".. And he sports a halo!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Every breast you shake, and every boob you shake, every bra you break, every strap opaque, I'll be sucking you.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: My favorite Goosebumps book was titled 'Say Cheese and Die'. When I say cheese, I usually sigh; I don't know why.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Things to Say in Response to 'Excuse Me?': 1. Why should I? 2. No. Never. 3. Sure, let's just say that you were born stupid.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hey, I said 'gee whiz', not 'G, wizz'.. Snoop Dogg, you just pissed all over my floor!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“So many paths to take... sociopath, psychopath, telepath.. It must be hard to choose, for you seem so naturally good at them all.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“We all know what ATM machines are. I'm just waiting for the drive-up machines that will allow us to add cash to a given purchasing card.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Saying the 'O' before any of the 'Two-Thousand and' teenage years is soooooo millennial.. Not like someone could say I was born in O-84..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The day that one admits that they'll never be as nice or as smooth as Nice & Smooth.. It'll be a good day.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Had you herd me, I'm a cow. Not a coward, not a cowgirl, and not a member of the Cowsills! Minus that last statement, I'm telling the truth.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfucius: If you were all that Great, you'd be a Wall of China; you're just some Gary Glitter chasing young vagina.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Because so many people understand math and numbers solely through money, I'd find the riddance of the penny or dollar bill a bit scary.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Who controls the pan now? Controls the fruit stir? Who controls the fresh scent now? Now test a pie! It's right aside our fork. Test a pie!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I think that this lady thought that I would get offended with her usage of 'What's his dick?'.. Demon woman, I coined that question.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Stuck in an escalator, missing it up when I'm goin' down, stuck in an escalator, running it up 'til I hit the ground.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That one of the most successful ways to practice peas is by passing on the historic lessons of violins?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Cut in half longitudally, not latitudally, to cut that onion. If wanting rings, go ahead and slice with the poles and Equator!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: The Flaming Lips - "Zaireeka"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"My girl wants to potty all the time, potty all the time, potty all the time." - Jim to his new beloved rescue dog, 4 y.o. Shih-poo Chili

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Mushroom Sally uh-huh. Guess you better grow your mushroom crown. Oh gourd what I said now.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's 2013 End-of-the-Year Summary: Sharknado.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Happy New Years! My New Year's resolution: Nothing! Because they're stupid! I resolve things on my own time/terms! Choo-choo beast!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I find Moe-self in times of scuffle, brother Larry comes to me, speaking words of wisdumb: Let Curly.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Waste o space is a phrase used to describe people that throw out food that they purchase in an attempt to not eat it/lose weight/look good.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“One of my friends posted 'Share this and a miracle will happen to you within the day.' Shortly after I shared, I became Tina Turner.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I survive well in frozen tundra, my mom uses Wondra, these ain't no conundra, piss paint Poe pundra, I'm listening to Sun Ra.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I prefer the term 'self-titled' over 'eponymous'. I have a hard time saying the latter. Comes out like I'm saying 'a pony mouse'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Wish someone a happy birthday when it's not their b-day. When they say 'Hey, it's not my birthday', say 'I know! Fuck you!'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Oh, you say that you don't like Stevie Wonder? Well, I'm sorry to hear that; your voice, that is. I tried muting you with this controller.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ever since I was a bosoming teenager, I've been using 'Cakewalk' for recording demo tracks. The actual word has lost place in my vocab.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmercial: 'So that there's no uncertainty left within the air about her beauty, maybe she should just be born with Maybelline!'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I saw Hoobastank in concert, I swear the guitarist kept looking at me. Idk, it might have been because I was doing the YMCA.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you must be so Frank about it, would you mind at least being a tad more Frank Stallone about it?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: If you have nothing nice to say about someone, say that they're kind. Then, quietly whisper 'of dumb' so that no one hears it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Da da da doo, da da da da da dee dee dee dee dee Dee dee dee dee bah de boah de boah boo ba boo doo." - Spin Doctors 'Two Princes' lyrics

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I just heard the music genre known as 'funeral doom'. Please, oh please, never let me attend a funeral that encapsulates this music.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Recall when Sting was a good guy? Before he started dressing like The Crow? No, not the bassist/singer named Sting, you sick, sick bastard.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Some people are all like whoa daddy when I explain that 'Cass' stands for 'sarcastic' and that 'mark' stands for 'remarky mark'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Wipers - "Over the Edge"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Of course I know A Christmas Carol! That's the one with Carol Brady, Scrooge McDuck, troubadour Tiny Tim, and the Ghost of Bob Marley.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: The last time that I heard a guy call someone the 'n' word, I flipped and then broke his piece of shit nose for him.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That, given the first 4 out of '12 Days of Christmas', all you're getting are a bunch of kinds of birds and no seeds?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Me wish you a merry Will Smith and a happy career. Now bring us some jiggy pudding!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When playing Yahtzee, the first thing I go for is a Large Straight. The last thing I go for is the Yahtzee. Unless, baby, I'ms lucky.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Hoot put the jump in the jump caw jump caw jump? Hoot put the ram in the rama lamba wing long? Hoot put the hop in the hop hoot hop hoot hop? Hoot put the nip in the nip na nip na nip?" - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Nelly looks truly happy hanging out with his new buddy, the Honey Nut Cheerios bee. They eat cereal together with some Pimp Juice.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Taco Tuesday afternoon, I'm just beginning to eat, nommin' on my plate. It doesn't matter to me, chasing hot sauce away.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfucius: Asses to asses, bust to bust, splashes to lashes, thrust to thrust.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It would be so sweety pie if the Google translator could translate 'Dumb As Hell' into 'English' or 'Times New Roman' for mymy ziggy pie.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Birth Dates He Believes Could Be Charo's: 1. March 13th, 1941 2. February 29th, 1784 3. January 15th, 1951”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My cat has no manners. She never shuts the door while using the toilet. At least she flushes, turns the fan on, and uses spray.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Tip from Jim': If a guy ever calls a woman he doesn't know things like 'honey', 'sugar', or 'baby', just start calling him those things.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Along with the 3-D movie theater experience, they really should be offering a Technicolor movie viewing with provided movie glasses.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I send a naked Mickey Mouse pic to people, the first thing they usually ask is where I got it from. The second thing they ask is why.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tis the season my friends, and make sure to kiss me under the cameltoe.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If it wasn't for that weird ass animated dancing hologram in Freak Nasty's 'Da Dip' video, I would've probably never figured the dance out.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That the perfect pickle should have seven warts per square inch?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 Things Cassmark gets auto-suggested to: 1. Senatorial 2. Ballsacaroni 3. Ben”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim of Cassmark's new hotline (rotary dial only): 1-6969-EatMyTaint.com”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: The Tubes - "What do You Want from Live"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: When people say 'Why do you look upset?' and I say 'I don't know', it's really because they didn't bake me a cake.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What's Art Deco? Or did you say Art Dicko? Cause I know Art Dicko. He's a cool dude. You said Art Dicko, didn't you? He's swell.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Believe it or not, I've never ever heard of another musician named Jim or any variation of it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Dupont24 is not a great password if you have a bunch of Jeff Gordon memorabilia decorating your room?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It must suck to have a lot of money, because it seems that it'd be easy to think that people are judging if not being nice because of it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Yes, I'm part of the .01% that doesn't solely refer to Christopher Reid as "the House Party dude".”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I remember that moment when I stopped caring what others thought. Ah yes, it was the moment I became a sperm.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hey kid, your parents' cars were talking to me. They said they wanted sugar in their tank instead of gas. Use a funnel so you don't waste!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark The 486SX EP Lyrics (6 Songs): https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1jmUOyemLIJxvhP2wqCxh_v4Pjo1p5yxqaoVHd-5OyXQ”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Home home on domain, where the sphere & the point & slope play, where seldom is erred an incalculable third & the rise is not runny all day.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: The 4 framed pictures in my bedroom include a Million Man March drawing, 2 bird paintings, and a clown painting.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That if you fall asleep to Joe Satriani's 'Flying in a Blue Dream', Joe will chauffeur you over mountains on his back?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Talk isn't cheap. It's free. Even when it's not free and I'm talking to Miss Cleo, it's not cheap. But it's deep. Not his voice, the convo!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“This early morning, I was looking for Waldo when I stumbled upon where in the world Carmen Sandiego was. In the Highlights picture puzzle!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“So let me introfuse to you the onion only dilly spears, enlarged bell peppers romaine hearts on bread.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle while they sway. Oh what fun it is aside ring a ding-dong Dr. Dre!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Phil Collins Anagrams: 1. No chill lips 2. Loll in chips 3. Hill Clip-ons”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: "Romy and Michele's High School Reunion" Soundtrack”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The Gobstopper was not everlasting. Twasn't even as timely as Everlast's "What It's Like"!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I do believe that The Andy Griffith Show 'Tape Recorder' episode should be shown to every 5th grader throughout Amerigo.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Note to self: The thing that says Sony is the alarm clock reading 8:08 and not a misspelled pager message BOOB. Double check and make sure.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Never accidentally walk into your grandma getting out of the shower before going to see 'Dances with Wolves' at the theater.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm awful at the game of billiards, but I do know that there's this rad old dude that does trick shots into a boot far away from the table.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you ever listen to any talk show caller-ins, just remember that they may be driving the vehicles on the road next to you.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“TINSTAAFL: "There Is No Such Thing As A Fucking Licky-boom-boom-down."”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I carry a bowed lock of George Wendt's hair everywhere that I go.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Call me psycho, cause I know that if you get a photo of Emeril and marker in an enormous moustache on him that you will laugh at his face.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Lincoln Logs + marbles + kazoo + Hot Wheels tracks + Jenga blocks = Electricity”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Once in freshman year class, a girl sang 'Sing us a song, you're the study hall teacher'. It's still one of the funniest moments of my life.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Green Jelly was originally named Green Jello and changed the name in fear of a Team Jello/Bill Cosby lawsuit?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The only censorship that I believe in is the reverse-censor, where only the 'good' words are blocked: "Fuck t#%! shit, c#@%! bitchass!"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Whenever I imagine Helen Keller in my head, I shit you not, for some reason I initially envision Nancy Kerrigan.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Go on your online profiles and make posts along "I have no anus and shit out of my mouth." Explain later how you were hacked.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Favorite Songs Released in 2013: 1. Cher - "Believe" 2. Kid Rock w/ Cher - "Beerlieve" 3. Cher - "Believe [Dirty]"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I cried when the castaways were found and brought to Hawaii by the Coast Guard in 'Rescue from Gilligan's Island'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You better wah out, you pedal not cry, you better rock out, I'm telling you why, Santana Claus is coming to sound!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Don't hoot know that hoot are a hooting star? And all the squirrels will love hoot just as long, as long as hoot caw." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"SuperCassaSassaJimsticSexyAndExposes! Hoo-hoo!" - Poppin' Fresh

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Swirlies - "Blonder Tongue Audio Baton"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd like to start off a song like The Sweet's Ballroom Blitz where they all say their name in the intro, but I'd just be saying Jim 4 times.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Feels like the third time (It feels like the third time). It feels like the very third time (Very, very, it feels).”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“People suggest that I can get others pissed without even trying. That it comes naturally. Like doing the splits.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“She's my Larry Fine, Curly drink of water such a sweet surprise, faced Moe good makes a Joe man cry, sweet Larry Fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm willing to bet my High School High VHS that most of us have tried lighting a light bulb in our mouth like Fester at least once.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cellophane flowers of yellow and green, towering over your Fred. Look for the Ethel with the pun in her lies and she’s gone. Lucy in the sky with Desi!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Why is the Dirty Jobs guy in a company's car commercials hitting on much younger women? That's not a dirty job. That's a flirty job!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It means no flurries for the rest of your bays. It's our problem-free fish-osophy. Ha-tuna Ma-tartar!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmercial: 'Love Hertz. So move on & out with Hertz Rent-A-Car!!'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Have you all heard about T.I.'s new alter ego? His name is Tippi Longstocking.. T.I. vs. Tippi Longstocking.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Really, if you're going to actually get big fake breast implants, you might as well just go ahead and make 'em 36 quintuple Zs.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Once, the solved puzzle on Wheel of Fortune was "Madonna's Human Nature". I recall this because I solved it with only the M's on the board.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: If invited to an 'Elvish' party, show up singing "Devil in Disguise" as 'The King'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I get mad, I'll sometimes pull a Powder and start reciting a book from memory. The last time, it was to 'Tess of the d'Urbervilles'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ever notice some of the ridiculous stats that SportsCenter gives? Such as 'Most MLB strikeouts in 4th inning by pitcher who is 5'8" tall'?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Excuses for Everything: 1. I'm in the 2002 Who's Who Among American High School Students 2. My guitar ate it 3. Billy Zane”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When people use the line 'If I were you..', remind them that if they were in fact you, then you would've given yourself that dumbass advice.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Someone that I know said they might have a free pair of Steely Dan tickets to give away, but they were actually Simple Plan tickets.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Little kids will call me random things like 'woman' or 'Jesus'. It's all good & cute.. Then, the other day, a kid called me 'Esteban'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Going down 34th Street, it had to be the real Santa Claus. My heart tells me so. It just had to be, or my name isn't Jackie Chan.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: The Feelies - "Crazy Rhythms"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I just completed the 'What color is your aura?' quiz, and it turns out that my aura is the color 'Byotch'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Still, I'm not sure who that guy is with the headphones and glasses in the intro to Coolio's 1 2 3 4 (Sumpin' New) video.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Given that a freezer is needed to keep it frozen, and that freezers can create it with trays, I find that bagged ice is normally a bad buy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Party time! Anne of Green Gables viewing, Electric Slide competition, 1st place wins $25 scented candle. RSVP by noon.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Matt Dillon has the natural scent of dill and onion? Please refrain yourself from dipping chips on him.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfucius: Dark Side of the Moon, sing side of the croon, Pat side of the Boone, Vidal side Sassoon.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Alex Trebek must be clairvoyant, because he answers questions correctly most of the time before contestants try and even ask them.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'll never be your breast of burden, my back is broad but it's a hurting, all I want is for you to make bras for me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I'm vegetarian, but I still don't know if it'd be considered carnivorous to read 'Chicken Soup for the Soul' books.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Field of Dreams : baseball :: Warren Beatty : bullfrog :: Maya Angelou : Maya Angelou”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you're in nature and start hearing weird noises, that might just be nature's way of telling you "Hey, you're gross. Now, please leave."”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There's sometimes a magic carpet available to use in dreams. It must be some Aladdin Genie wish sexy voodoo thing going on. Wait, I'm awake!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes, the only thing that I can compare something to being similar to is a Tae Bo cool down with Billy Blanks.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark Pop Quiz Questions: Where did Paul Bunyan go to the bathroom? What did Paul Bunyan use as toilet paper?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ever witness someone move their entire body along with the controller while they're playing a race car driving video game? That shit's cool.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I think that the least interesting thing about 'The World's Most Interesting Man' is that he drinks Dos Equis.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Guys, name your penis after a rock band such as Foghat. That way, you can say that you've played with Foghat and mean it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Plenty of cartoons from the 1960s and 70s have laugh tracks in the sound mix. Cartoon audiences laugh similarly to real audiences.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I used to think it would be neat to be on Nick Arcade on The Video Zone segment, but now I bet that it looked more fun than it actually was.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: PC DOS is much more beneficial than MS DOS. I've done tests. cls dir/w cd..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Sparklehorse - "Vivadixiesubmarinetransmissionplot"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Celine Dion's husband, René, was the actual singer on the chart-busting hit "My Heart Will Go On"?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"First born ear of corn, hard core soft gourd, dream of cauliflowercation, dream of cauliflowercation." - The Red Hot Jimmy Cassers

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I don't understand why vegan protein is shaped like meat. Cause I'm fairly sure that it's not fooling anyone. Can't it be shaped into blobs?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That texting is easiest with a standard off-white 25-channel cordless base/handset phone model with folding antenna?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There's only one real way to see if money is counterfeit or not: rip it up in front of the owner and see how mad they get.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hey Ladies: If a guy asks when you're going out, say when his penis grows to be the size of his ego and he becomes "un-ugly".”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“And the worst sports nickname of all time award goes to: Jeff Hornacek for the nickname "Horny". Congrats. Please claim your golden boner.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Flappiness is a horned dun (fang fang, hoot hoot)" - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hey Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Cass, when are you gonna sass? Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Cass, where is that piece of ass? Oh Jimmy Cass.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Note to self: It is going to start getting coldy out. Jim, it is time to bust out all things ISOTONER.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In a good way, the end to the Yes song "I've Seen All Good People" reminds of the end to Strawberry Alarm Clock's "Incense and Peppermints".”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Über David Gruber eating peas of goober using laws of Huber taking time to luber boobers and blow up inner tubers.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“How did I know that it was a fake ROLEX?? Perhaps it was the extra 'L' in the word, but one can't be certain.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It'd be nice if Missy Elliott would bring back her garbage bag look from 'The Rain'. Or that little dancing girl from her videos.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Anyone still say "you get me, I'll get you back!" after saying "sorry"? Because no one joins in when I say it anymore.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wish that my cat liked water. Or could swim. Or would make the coffee. Or could fly.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Every time that Adam Sandler is on the Cosby Show, he's hanging out with Theo in the locker room.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Bruce Springsteen wrote the Manfred Mann's Earth Band hit 'Blinded by the Light'?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Have a 14-letter crossword clue that you can't figure out? Try filling in 'Brian Dunkleman' as the answer. Sure, use ink. Thank me later.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Extra credit: Calling the science teacher a 'mean ol' asshead' and convincing them that you gave compliment by calling them an 'amino acid'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Klaatu - "3:47 EST"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Cook some Creepy Crawlers in an Easy-Bake Oven while the brownies are baking; it will save time. Tell friends they're gummies.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A strange thing about the 'Back to the Future' futuristic sports almanac: there would be new winning teams that haven't been created yet.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"For me, you know, I'm a creative penis and there's no other way to word it." - Kanye West

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“At my wedding and/or Quinceañera, I will have the guests throw cooked rice at me so that I can eat it easier.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“One time, a fellow high school student told the communications teacher that instead of stop bath, maybe he should start.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I still call the actress by x-name Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. Likewise, I still call her x-husband John Romijn-Stamos.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Did you call my cake 'crumby' or 'crummy'? Either way, I know a centaur that will eat it. His name is Huey. He likes cakeys. Real Talk.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I watch dog movies. Wish there was a movie featuring Air Bud named something like "Indiana Bones and the Tailers of the Lost Bark".”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Honeysuckle twas the dusk, seein' Burt Reynolds' face in wood grain, I'm gellin' like Ferdinand Magellin', Wayne Wonder punched T-Pain.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Even though I probably wouldn't use it all that often, I'd feel a bit richer if I was still issued a grade school Gold Card.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I used to believe that 'No Woman, No Cry' meant that if you didn't have a woman in your life that you wouldn't cry.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Love me saxy, love me sweet, never let me blow. You have made my life complete, and I sax you so." - Kenny G

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: BabyTV is the greatest and most educational television channel ever.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What's up with Jiffy Lube? Went there for Jiffy Pop and creamy Jif. Out of stock on both apparently. The store should be renamed Jiffy Boob!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I can see the fury in your eyes. Do you see the furry in my thighs?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Eiffel 65 added the '65' because 'Eiffel' and all combined numbers 0 to 64 have already been used by dance groups?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Things He's Confused His Elders By Saying: 1. Bugaboo 2. Peek-a-boo 3. Lucy Liu”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In a recent poll, 99 out of 97 people said that they fully comprehended the phrase 'Wheel of Fortune Mama Lucia commercial'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I need a Glover that won't drive me Danny. Some Angels that know the meaning of a 'Hey, In the Outfield'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"You ain't nothin' but a hootsy Dama! You ain't nothin' but a hootsy Dama!" - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players - "Vintage Slide Collections from Seattle, Vol. 1"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“JurCassic Mark: www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EfwbUGvTWU”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Fill in the Blanks - Legendary Actor: _ _ _ | _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Usable Letters: D A N C O R T E S E”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Refer to yourself in the third person as 'Babycakes' from now on. Everyone will get it and think that it's cute.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I used to have these Pound Puppies bed sheets. I mention this because they were comfy. And so that someone will get them for me. Thank you.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Daydreamin' of Robin Williams movies, and airplanes drawing Pepsi in sky, and nude pics of Barefoot Contessa; tears of joy I cry.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sugar usage will prove to be the factor that will cause the largest ripples & Ruffles in human evolution. Evolution number 9. Mambo no. 5.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Whenever I try using women's stick antiperspirant, it dries my pits out beyond belief/relief.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Leo Hirshfield introduced Tootsie Roll candy in 1896? The name idea was from Hirshfield's 69 Boyz ass-shaking routine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In the Headlines: Hot dog throwing Kansas City Royals mascot sparks lawsuit over fan eye damage; heads to Missouri Supreme Court.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“(Kale + Hail) * (Exhale + Prevail) / Robert Parish = Kevin McHale”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I was a kid, I wrote this story about how Johnny Appleseed planted seeds in the Headless Horseman's neck to make him become Appleface.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Guy Fieri is so ugly that when I asked him 'Hey, is that algae?', he responded 'Yeah bro, that's on point.. I'm ugly.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I can't picture Lemmy getting his hair colored by anyone other than himself. I can't picture Lemmy eating Domino's.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I'm out n about, I often wear a talking baby doll atop my head so that people don't think I'm some sort of creep.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Trick or treat, smell my dick, give me something good to eat!'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: "A History of Horror: From Nosferatu to The Sixth Sense"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: The only self-help tapes that might work for me would have to be the "baby-babble self-help talky goo-goo" tapes.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I just want to meet a Dwayne so that I can tell them to Dwayne my bathtub and to quit Dwayning my cellphone battery.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Starting out, I almost went by Cassadee Pope. To the musician with that name: If I would have, you'd have had to go by Cassadee Pope II.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Just read that McDonald's is giving up Heinz Ketchup. I mention this because I thought their ketchup was already Ronald excrement.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Lynyrd Skynyrd is actually pronounced 'Lynn heard skibbadabeebop doo boo da boo bah bah'?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The Little Debbie portrait was completed one minute before Debbie tried her first Nutty Bar and had become institutionalized from it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Yes, yes I do believe that most people would prefer you just go ahead and say the word 'vagina' instead of some dumb shit like 'vajuju'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Yo, Mark Zuckerberg, what are you gonna do when I call you Blake Fuckerderf to your ass-chapped face and then moon you with my booty?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When local politicians adhere to the rulebooks like professional referees/umpires do, then we will start living like pimps & hoes.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfucius: Persona be personified, boner be bona fide. Jippy quippy Mississippi. Grippy rippy ippy lippy. Nippy whippy chippy blippie.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Lattice the lettuce, lava the guava, radify the radish, cup of Jo the java.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If there comes a time when humans need brain chips, they better come in BBQ and salt & vinegar infused varieties! Just look at Mr. Pringles.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Anyone still using 37.com?? Yeah, I bet that you do. Dew knot. Don Knotts. Knots Landing. The Indian in the Cupboard.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tommy Bartlett looking like Mufasa, pearly whites in the skies, smiling down upon me, grabbing the size of my prize.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I feel as weird as can be if I put a top on before I have underpants on. The same thing can be said about socks.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"We are stung, hoot-ache to hoot-ache we land. No tortoises, no hoot glands. Love is a cattlefield." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes while rollerskating at a rink, I can't help but notice that some of the young shits are out-skating the shit out of me. Big time.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Evian backwards is naive. And naive backwards has always been overpriced.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I tried getting The Clapper once, but with all of the random clapping going on, well, it became pretty annoynoy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Watching an AL MLB pitcher switch to an NL team where they need to start batting because of it would most likely be an amusing situation.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Whenever I watch COPS, I think that it's rather impressive for the cop cameramen to keep up with running all while filming.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Listening to the radio, I was thinking 'my, that sounds a lot like a Beatles knock'.. But it was Paul McCartney's new stuff.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I told the bouncers that I was Dave Stewart, and they somehow bought it and let me in. However, Annie Lennox did not buy it and hurt me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Names to Call Troll Dolls By: 1. Wishniks 2. Norfins 3. Dam Dolls without clothes”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Dear Tony Orlando, I live below you. My name's Jim. This isn't 'Knock Three Times'. Now, quit spying on me and thinking that I love you.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's a long way to the scaup if you want to duck 'n' float.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That the Farmers' Almanac is always more accurate 20 editions prior to the current one?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Once, I said 'nice Cass', and a lady thought I said 'nice ass' to her. I had to explain that I didn't, because she didn't have a nice one.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you see pepperoni on a gravestone, it might be someone's that thought they were being asked what they wanted on their Tombstone pizza.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I think we're On-Cor now, there doesn't seem to be Kid Cuisine around." - Nommy James & the Nomdells

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Playing SimCity 2000 seems a bit strange, because it is beyond the year 2000; playing SimCity 3000 seems a bit strange, because it sucks.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I still think of Estelle Getty on a tri-daily basis.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Here comes the pun, doo doo doo doo, here comes the pun, and I say, it's alright.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Salsa is now the #1 American condiment, passing ketchup. Somewhere, Gallagher is eating a burrito with salsa and ketchup.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That almonds are a member of the peach family?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Given the music to the song "Takin' it to the Streets", it would seem like that would be the last thing they'd be doing.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Today is the 87th birthday of Chuck Berry! Like Al Molinaro, a lot of people think that he already passed.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfucius: 'If you billed it, they will cum.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Pluck you, Ticket Oak. I asked for Cher tickets and got 15th row seats to Larry the Cable Guy. I'm gonna strike you with my ninja star.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: The Munsters - "At Home with the Munsters"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: While playing a video game, plug in random codes to your Game Genie. Try to get the code where your console explodes.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Seemingly, every other year, I get hay fever come Autumn.. I wish I could say, "Hey, fever, get outta my babybody. Hey, fever, scram!"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I believe that official IQ scores are overrated. Shit, I'd sell mine for $160 any day of the week. Not to mention, I'm really bad with tools.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Soup Doggy Dogg wogg wogg wogg wogg. Bow wow wow yippie yo yippie yay, tomato bisque is the soup of the day!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“To witness just how they do it, I'd like to see a porno with Mr. and Ms. Pacman. A hubba hubba.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I took my troubles down to Moe-cut crew, you know that dipsy with the bold-slapped fools, he's got a pad down on Curly-fourth and Vine, sellin' little bottles of Love Potion Larry Fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In my dreams, everyone tells me how nice my pen collection is. Next, I wake up and hug my pen collection. Then, I say hi to the neighbors. Finally, I put some clothes on.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"These hoots r made for squawking, and that's just what they'll do. One of these days these hoots r gonna squawk all over ewe." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I thought that Taylor Swift was an American Idol winner. But I must've been thinking about that grey-haired chumsy named Taylor something.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If I had a nickel for every time that I heard the phrase "nervy dervy", why, I'd have $1.67 in my fifth pocket!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Ohhhh, look at those low rates!" - Jim of Cassmark witnessing Eagle Man standing on top of his parked bicycle

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The first thing that comes to mind when I visualize a pita is pure sexiness. Yeah, keep it up you sexy thing, and I'm gonna call you Wanda.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That in the days when it was believed the Earth was flat, it was also believed that the Sun was flat, hardened mustard?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I've got the moves like Jagger, but I wish that I also had the moves like Bojangles.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There's a trending flesh-eating drug called Krokodil. Yes, it will eat your skin away. No, it will not morph you into Crocodile Dundee.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Swanson and Stouffer's, over and over, Swanson and Stouffer's, over and over.." - Nommy James & the Nomdells

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Really now, I'm not all that 'sick and twisted'. In fact, I'd make the argument that I'm moreso 'sick of Twitzid'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Do not 'titillated' and 'tit elated' basically mean the same thing? I think I need some apple pie.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I can be your cyborg baby, I can kiss away the brain, I will scan by you forever, you can take my OS away." - Enrobot Iglesias

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When people tell me that I have a "hot mom", I thank them and then remind them that mommy and I look a lot alike.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: White Zombie - "Supersexy Swingin' Sounds"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Take a minute from your busy, cray cray life and wander on this ponder: How much different would it be without the invention of towels?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Where's my Cynthia Doll? Oh yeah, I'm not Angelica! Hehe, I almost forgot. My badd. Now, where are those stupid babies?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Take a Moe off Larry. Take a Moe, Curly. Take a Moe off Larry. And (and) (and) you can put the Moe right on three.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd be super-pissed if someone promised me a 'Toyota' for winning any given contest and awarded me a 'Toy Yoda' figurine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I know a guy that survived the Vietnam War. Although healthy, he doesn't really know much post-1972. I wonder how war does that to somebody.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Around here, all of the birds are starting to migrate southward for the year.. They've been doing really loud-ass cawing the past mornings.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When you are with me, I'm free. I'm careless, I believe. Above all the others we'll fly. This brings tears to my eyes. My sack of rice.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The Geico Gecko had definitely ruined the possibility of a Gex gaming franchise. Thanks for saving me a bunch of money on video games!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Wouldn't it be nice if 'star-dot-star' worked in real life?.. Where you could say it to a person and they'd show you everything?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Fiddlegriddles. It's a shame just how ineffective it's become to try and diss a girl by calling her Helga G. Pataki.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Never have I owned a typing device as nice as the IBM Model M keyboard. I don't plan on it, either.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: When I was a young student, I thought that Amelia Earhart was spelled 'Emilia Airheart'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Have you heard of Oprah's favorite rock group, 'Theory of a Stedman'?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 People That Look Like the Cowardly Lion: 1. Dog the Bounty Hunter 2. James Hetfield, circa 1990 3. David Crosby”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“While watching the 'new' Alice in Chains perform, I thought that Bill Gates was on guitar until I noticed that Jerry Cantrell cut his hair.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've listened to Beatles albums reversed enough times.. I've never heard 'Paul is dead' in the lyrics, but I have heard 'Polish bread'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That the Korean War was approximately 3 years long, and that M*A*S*H aired for 11 seasons?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It was once rumored that Paul from The Wonder Years became Marilyn Manson. I considered the possibility for a week before discrediting it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 Names Jim Just Made Up: 1. Trotsky Paddlesuds 2. Reggae Todd Tatertot 3. Ralph Macchio”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“That Michelin Man, he must eat an awful lot of marshmallows, car tires, and used diapers to keep that physique.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: John Lennon & Paul McCartney - "A Toot and a Snore in '74"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Mr. Clean and Mrs. Butterworth had a child together named The Brawny Man?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In a stanza, Tony Danza, you really are a gem. A pepper, a bell, a feather, a gel; a flower to my stem.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmercial: 'Freeeakola.. Freeeeeeaaakola...'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: The next time that you're at a clothing store, go to the customer service desk and ask if you can return your FML for an LML.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"What the fuck is an Amish Mafia?" - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Some friends would be glad to hear that there could be Harry Potter spinoffs. What are they going to be called, 'Welcome Back, Potter'?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The paper fortune-teller finger thing has proven itself far more accurate than the Magic 8 Ball. So has the paper football.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"And his llama cries, cause if there's one thing that sheep don't need, it's another hungry mouth to feed, in the hoot-o (in the hoot-o)." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Beautiful creamer, wake in coffee, starlight and dewdrops are now non-dairy; sounds of the brewed swirl, heard in the day, culled by the moonlight and all mashed away.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Family Feud Hosts: 1. Richard Dawson 2. Ray Combs 3. Steve Harvey 4. Honorable Mention - Louie Anderson”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Breaking Bad series finale prediction: It will end strikingly similar to the Roseanne series finale.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm reading that Mandy Moore wants to shave her head. She and I are on the same page, because I want her to explore the planet Mercury.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wonder what people would think if I exclusively started to wear t-shirts saying 'Sassy McTrashy' or 'Born to Show These Goods'?!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfucius: Eye of the Tiger, thigh of Matt Geiger, pie on a Schleiger, spry is the Kiger.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Walk up to random guys and tell them you bet that they're well-endowed like cows.. See how many take it as a compliment.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: When it aired, I would tune into 'Doogie Howser, M.D.' only because I liked the blue-screened journal entries.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I don't know, but I been told: A big-legged woman ain't got no burrito.. Yoink noink nommy nommy nom." - Gallagher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I put my money where my mouth is, some friends tell me that I look like George Washington on the dollar bill while trying to chew it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Trust the Gorton's Fisherman.. Well, at least trust that there will be a pint of Gordon's inside that yellow raincoat.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Helium - "The Dirt of Luck"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There was this Komodo in a kimono at Kokomo from Kyoto; it sold quinoa and risotto grown in Lesotho via telephoto.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wish that I had a tail like a dog or a cat. It would probably look all gross as hell without any fur, though.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“(Clicking ruby red tool slippers together) "There's no place like Home Depot, there's no place like Home Depot.." - Bob Vila”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmercial: 'You think you know, but you have no IKEA.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Caw wit da caw da fang a fang piggy piggy piggy said the hooty said up jump the hooty." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Fast food like a dude with a bad attitude, how rude when chewed, wet-nap hey Jude." - Sir Paul McCartney

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It was awkward when I excitedly attempted joining in a conversation about the Bangles that was actually about the Cincinnati Bengals.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I think I'm taking it literally.. However, Carrie Underwood's song name "Jesus, Take the Wheel" makes me chuckle.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I teach the art of 'karaote'.. It's the combination of karate and karaoke. Shout out to my singsei, Carl Douglas.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hey, Tim Tebow, here's an offer for you: A one-way ticket to Hellman's, Jockey Jack!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Still not certain if there's any technical differences between Spock's Vulcan hand greeting and Vader's wrestling hand sign..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That the word 'dork' refers to whale penis?; also, that the word 'Björk' refers to whale penis?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I bet that Jared from Subway could pass for Jerry Seinfeld's not-so-attractive brother of sorts.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Try using Monopoly money for payment when shopping next. As you are going directly to jail, hand them a Chance card.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The first thing I did upon waking up a 29-year old: I put on No Doubt's 'Return to Saturn' and played the Casiotone to it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Last day summer baby, blast way lumber pay fee, past say bummer maybe, fast play number tres three!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I was 3 and 4, Robert Palmer's 'Addicted to Love' video was always on MTV. I was curious why Robert was the only lady with hair in it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I recall buying Michael Jackson's 'Invincible' CD the week that it was released. I also recall waking up a day later crying about it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Will you be my Larry Fine if I'm a world away? Apollo G's are taking me, the constants Curly Joe constant any Moe.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“No matter what one may consume, I really do think that the worst sandwich name I've ever heard is "shrimp po' boy".”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band - "Hulk Rules"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Tempted by the hoot of another, tempted but the hoot is discovered. What's been flowin' on, now that you have spawned, there's no souther." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“One of the lesser known things about Benjamin Franklin was that he had a fat and super-firm booty.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Don't call me Daughtry, not fit to. The picture kept will remind me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I know this lion named Bobo Froley; that little pussy loves mostaccioli.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I love unicorns; yes, I love tricorns, too. I feed them acorns and Capricorns. It's fun.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If someone says 'honestly' a lot before explaining things and then proceeds to not say it before explanation, what should I think?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When l become Queen, I will declare that some of the nicest scrolling video/computer games are certain titles from the early-to-mid 1990s.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The Miss America Pageant is really cool. I think it has to do with how dip-shittingly dumb the whole thing is. And all the beautiful ladies.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I know that I'm not an alien. You see, I don't have x-ray vision. And, as we all know, aliens have colorized x-ray vision." - Alien

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's the Donkey Kong women. Gimme, gimme, gimme the Donkey Kong ooze.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Brilliant! Given that people create money, people sometimes say that things can't be done because there's 'not enough money'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Shit, I thought that everyone everywhere called them fuckers Cyclops Donuts.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You see you don't have to live like a referee (Don't have to live like a referee).”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The other night, I put my pan of French fries in the dishwasher instead of the 425 degree preheated oven. They were delicious.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Well here's another clue for you all: The Walrus was RuPaul.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“From rocky roads to Fruity Pebbles, Dinah Shore and tonal trebles, Mony Mony for Rebel Rebels, precious stones on heavy metals: Dance pants!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"If you got the notion, I second that emoticon." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When my dad and I first watched The Strokes "Last Nite" video, he didn't know if they were a current band or one from 1978 that he missed.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“How would you respond if some old dude asked you what your 'dong status' was? Well, I laughed a little. And then ran.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: U.S.D.A. - "Cold Summer"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Want some Friskies in your water, shook fur in your spree. "What's all these crazy pest runs they taskin' me?" This is the laziest kitty there could ever be. Don't turn on the bites, 'cause I don't want to bleed. Meow meow told me not to come.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Talkeetna, Alaska has an 'Honorary Cat Mayor' named Mr. Stubbs?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Lovely pita, pita made. Nothing can come between us. When it gets hard I throw your parts away. Standing by a sparkling liter, when I caught a glimpse of pita. Filling in a pocket in her little tight nook..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The last time that someone called me Rain Man, I actually knocked them out and poured some hose rain on them.. and then counted some cards.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Things in His Pockets: 1. Susan B. Anthony dollar 2. Tamagotchi Virtual Pet 3. Nano Pet”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It seems to me that the saying 'everything in moderation' is a rather extreme and not-so-moderate suggestion.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Although I know that the lucas seasonings I used to eat likely contained lead, I'm still sort of upset about it's absence in grocery stores.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The last time that I whistled the Andy Griffith Show theme, Lassie thought that it was her theme and had shown up to save the day!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I'm not on Instagram. But I thought about joining so that I could use the phrase 'Instagram that joint'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Overwrites, gigabytes, Civil Rights, northern lights, trilobites, urbanites, Bill of Rights, Men in Tights.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Heyyy, know what Fonz's favorite school supply is for math class? Correct-o-mundo, it's the 'whoa-tractor'!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Can I get a hoot hoot? Hoot these ditches from all of my wingaz who don't love snows; they get no crow." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Who said that I have Issues? Who's going through my Korn album catalog again?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When more people are like good-tasting sandwiches, then and only then might I be less shy and more fat.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If I ever walked in on a butcher, a baker, and a candle-stick maker rub-a-dubbing in a tub in their work uniforms, I think I'd be disgusted!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“OH, YOU DON'T HAVE JNCO'S IN STOCK? YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME? ARGGHHGARBARJAR.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Mistaking the product 'Pet Head' with 'Bed Head', 'Icy Hot' with 'Prep H', or 'Pepsi' with 'Pepcid AC' may cause human tears.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The only treaty that I would unconditionally sign would be the Rice Krispie Treaty; I'd sign it with my wide-open mouth.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“All I need know is a YOLO Polo fo sho lo, and it's off to the party that I go-go with G.I. Joe, Rolo, and Rain-Blo en mi mano.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In 'It's Not Unusual', it's awkwardly positive the way that Tom Jones says the line "It's not unusual to see me cry, oh I wanna die".”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: "ESPN Presents: Jock Jams, Volume 2"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Hey Doc, what does it mean to have recurring dreams with 1988 Hulk Hogan joining in the jumping of a gymnasium full of trampolines?'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There was once an Officer Friendly that looked like Robin Yount and did a 'Safety Patrol' song & dance to the Y.M.C.A. melody.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes, I think so deeply about the actual letters and structures of words like 'faucet' that I convince myself the word never existed.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Where has all the Tweety Bird paraphernalia gone? And the 'Cat in the Hat' multi-colored hats? That shit used to be everywhere.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If I had some children of my own, I would so be a MILF.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wonder if musical acts with a month or a season of the year in their title are the most popular within that given month or season..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“We doin' big primpin', we blendin' fleece. Check 'em out now, big primpin', on old G.A.Ps. We doin' big primpin' up in MKE. It's just that Jimma Fran, Jimp G and J I M E.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That on the Dick Van Dyke show, Rob and Laura's son Richie's middle name is Rosebud?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmercial: 'Silly Kravitz, Styx are for Prince.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've been told several times that I make good coffee. Still, I don't know if those people that said that were kidding or not.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: In playing Mortal Kombat, I do friendship finishing moves instead of fatalities; it's what Grandma would've wanted.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Rock and roll hootchy hoot, lordy llama bite my moose, rock and roll hootchy hoot, stomp on trout and dread the zoos." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"The only thing we have to Fleer is Fleer itself." - Fleer DonRuss

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Aplenty of my lady friends complain about their breasts; much more so than bros complain about their balls.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In the sun, in the sun I feel as one. In the sun, in the sun. Larry, Larry. Larry, Larried. Fine-ine-ine-ine Fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd like to purchase a streetcar. I'd like to name it Dee Snyder. A streetcar named Dee Snyder!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My cat Regina made me muffins. And by made me muffins, I mean woke me up by kneading my ass cheeks with her paws in the middle of the night.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Being called 'grungy' always throws me off at first, if only because I bathe a minimum of 5 times a day.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Button hole, poppycock, pussy willow, on my jock." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: If I ever have to wear glasses, they will have motorized windshield wipers. Oh, and they will be X-Ray Specs.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Steven Seagal - "Mojo Priest"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: If someone says, 'I like what you do'.. Try out the response 'So, does that mean that you'll do me?'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Shuck my Schick, bulb my Bic, Hulk my tits, rub my bits." - Hannah Montana

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmercial: 'May the farce be with you.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Wisconsin's professional sports teams are named for beer, deer, and steer?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Upset that the Dalek I'd purchased is not, in fact, an exterminator. Damn thing just keeps saying 'exterminate! exterminate!' and eating my papayas.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Upon seeing a shooting star last night, I wished for the band Showoff to reunite and play 'Falling Star' at my upcoming birthday party.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: In Def Leppard's song 'Animal', pretend that the word 'Enema' is being said instead. Works great with the music video, too!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Songs to Learn on Piano: 1. 'What a Fool Believes' 2. The 'Family Matters' theme 3. Rammstein's 'Du Hast'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What a surprise seeing Joey and *NSYNC reunite! Joey was the coolest; it always looked like he had about 15 years on the crew.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I believe in marigolds. Pear to plum. You sexy string (you waxy bean, you).”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Wanna seriously trip someone out? Tell them that your favorite actor is the dude that portrayed Casey Jones in the first TMNT movie.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm not the man they think I am at home. Oh no, no, no. I'm a locket man. Locket man. Earning out his jewels up here, Malone.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Most certainly the scariest thing that could ever happen would be to see the '70s Brady Bunch casually walk through local woodlands.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Just once when someone says there's a party in their pants would I like a party with beverages, people, and music come out of their pants.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Judge Ito, Jared Leto, Don Vito, Brother Tito: Meet burrito, now I am the burrito! Nom nommy nomenclature." - Gallagher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Heck no I did not ask about 'your problem', silly! I asked about 'Jeff Goldblum'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I could wail away the hours, conferrin' The Wallflowers, consultin' with T-Pain. And my Eric I'd be Clapton, while my thoughts were Toni Braxton, if I only had a Train.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ben Affleck accepted the role of Batman in a power play to not look so much like the lead actor in the rom-com 'Gigli'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"There were only 40 people there to watch me perform at that venue.. It was like opening for Cassmark all over again." - Brandy

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd like to be Knighted.. Brian McKnighted. Haha, no I wouldn't.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You make me so Larry happy, I'm so glad you came into my Fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmercial (deciphered using Little Orphan Annie Secret Decoder Pin): Be sure to drink your Valvoline.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've got two words for you: two words.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Representin' the Mighty Tumbleweeds up in this. Sergio P on the mic, Sergio P ridey bike.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“All murk and no clay makes Gak a dull toy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Mozilla Firefox was founded by Star Fox?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfucius: Indeed there's need to indulge the bulge; a rise within size implies enterprise.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When you reach a set of stop lights that go from 'green-yellow-red' to 'blinking yellow', little invisible angels change the light patterns.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Go on, take the bunny and run. Go on, take the bunny and run. Hoot hoot hoo!" - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Damn. I got jumped through video messaging! For my sneakers!! YOLO LML FML.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I was nearly arrested for telling an older lady that I have a 2 millimeter thick Big Stubby in my pocket. But I do!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ever since I heard the name Barry Larkin, I wanted to change mine to Larry Barkin.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“How do people bring themselves to not clapping at the end of a Christian Slater movie?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Search for and add cassmarkrock on Skype to call/chat with Cassmark! Jim will play you a tune over the Skype line!.. Oh yeah, send nudes.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you can figure out someone's typo and then proceed to correct them without verification, then perhaps you are a psychic.. or a moron.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Every time that I hear/see the word 'asshat', I literally try to visualize it. Cause I don't think I've ever seen a real and wearable one.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Try doing the robot the next time you sit on a toilet. It's wonderful.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Boone Dan. Come together with your hands. Save me. On together with your lands. Save me!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's weird to hear someone over 50 years of age use the term 'balls to the wall'; I stopped using it when I was 10 and a half.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm 100% cotton that Buck Cherry is wordplay on Chuck Berry.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"It's gonna be a Cassic, so go Park the Jurassic while I eat a Vlasic." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Mommy, they said I couldn't be in the all-girl band.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Have you ever laughed so hard that milk came out of your nipples?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Never ignore the egg noir, Joey Buttafuoco!" - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: GWAR - "This Toilet Earth"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: B.J. Armstrong will not be considered a correct answer on a school test when the answer is Neil Armstrong.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Once, someone asked if I wanted to join 'GD'.. And I exuberated "Boy, Would I!", assuming that they were talking about 'Graphic Design' club.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If Alice Cooper is still performing in 2028, I sure hope that he'll rename and sing his song "I'm Eighty" live.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That the Quaker Oats Man posed for his infamous oatmeal portrait when he was 26 years old?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"There's a squirrel that's been on my mind. All the time: Hoot-Hoot-Hootio. Oh, oh." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassfucius: When morning wood so good, use Pledge on the ledge and slide around the floor.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In a local news story, 3 out of the 4 interviewees said what they liked doing most at the Wisconsin State Fair was "people watching".. Wtf?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Top 3 Most Searched For Things in Web Browsing History (Besides Porn): 1. Tony Danza 2. Ken Navy 3. Strawberry Shortcake”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You're T-Pain, you probably think this song is about you. You're T-Pain, I'll bet you think this song is about you. Don't you? Don't You?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Wear clothes outside of your own neighborhood. People will not believe your bullshit if you tell them that you're the Emperor.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Supdate: Finishing up lyrics for 'The 486SX EP'. Also, strengthening and practicing vocal melodies. To the studio by year's end!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“And there's a Curly in this harbor town, and he works layin' whiskey down, they say "Moe-dee, fetch another round". He serves them Larry and Fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“And I'll show you, all the moves like Haggard, I've got the moves like Haggard, I've got the moooves like [Merle] Haggard.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I really like the movie 'G.I. Jane'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Both of my Grandpa's radios were so ancient that I thought they were listening to old ass broadcast transmissions from the 1940s.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've never had to knock on Woody Harrelson, and I'm glad I haven't yet, because I'm sure it isn't good, that's the impression that I get.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Clearly, my word usage was misinterpreted when I said that I love 'wailing'..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That, given any other point in time beforehand or afterwards, presence looks utterly ridiculous?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you're going to San Fran, SisQó, be sure to wear some flowered underwear. If you're going to San Fran, SisQó, you're gonna meet some paralegals there.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Your genus be penis when your species be feces.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That 'Breaking Bad' is the continuation of the reality series 'Breaking Bonaduce'?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Less Than Jake - "Bootleg a Bootleg, You Cut Out the Middleman"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Guinea hen, guinea hen, I meet you this fine day. You look at me, then speak to me, and this is what you say: "Joobastank da durvy gurvey".”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Given the lyrics to Weezer's 'El Scorcho', I always wonder if Rivers was referring to girls that liked the band 'Half Japanese'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've started the 'Penny Shave Club', in which I send you one monthly loose razor blade for 12 cents a year!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In unsuccessful attempts to get me to eat it, my Grandma used to tell me that Colombo Yogurt was inspired by the TV show Columbo.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Why do I still have dreams about being at school in nothing but my underwear with an apple juice cup and a No. 3 pencil on Iowa Test day?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: If I was to write down the first thing that I was thinking of, it would be 'Cool and Unusual Penis Mint'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Really now, I wish that Sully Sullenberger was still in the news.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Top 3 Things to Do with Money: 1. Spend It 2. Accumulate It 3. Nothing”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Because I ain’t no followback girl, I ain’t no followback girl. Ooh ooh, this my Twit, this my Twit." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I woke up in a Choo Choo Trolley, I woke up with a Goo Goo Dolly, I woke up saying Lauren Holly, I woke up with Green Giant Jolly.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“No disrespect, but I was proud yesterday when I changed Bruce Springsteen to Bruce Shitstain mid-sentence.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Ah hoooot.. Werewolves of London. Ah hoooot." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cosmetic dog surgery is a new trend.. No, I'm not making this up.. As if there aren't enough stupid bitches getting plastic surgery already.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I sometimes slip up and call the 'hash tag' a 'pound button'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“For the third time in my life, someone called me a 'Crash Bandicoot-looking fucker'; for the fifth time this week, I pulled my panties down.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I'm happy, I make the Wilhelm Scream sound.. When I'm ecstatic, I make the Howie Scream sound.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“(Chris Mullin + Jenny Jones)/2 Live Crew = Shawn Mullins”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Pasta pan, dish up. Prego can, don't dish up! Orzo pan, dish up, yeah! Boyardee man, don't dish up!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My educated guess is that the next sequel in the series will be titled 'Pirates of the Caribbean: The Legend of Curly's Gold'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“No matter how much he ages, Bob Uecker will still be able to kick that ass. Not to mention, he whistles in perfect pitch when he rumbles.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“All you need is Sriracha. All you need is Sriracha. All you need is Sriracha, Sriracha. Sriracha is all you need.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You can't fix stupid, yet ignorance is bliss; so call me Cass Cupid, when I team up with KISS.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I make make money, call me Phillip Banks. Boo Boo Honey, Tom Petty, Cher Sonny, Tom Hanks." - Lil Wayne

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Still curious as to how Candlebox got away with an uncensored f-bomb in the song 'You' on all of the daytime rock radio stations in the 90s.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Dongs down, Long Dong Silver is thee ultimate porn star name.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim of Cassmark's Top 3 Sodas in the Fridge: 1. Surge 2. Slice 3. Mr. Pibb”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Yo, all I need is one bike, one seat, one brake, one ninja stunt my pace on the front gauge.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Bring a harp to LARP at 7 o' clock sharp; wear a halo, say that you're J Lo, play 'Let It Go' by Toto.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“generation gap: (n.) the difference between thinking of Sally Struthers as wow and as wow.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: My old secondary chatting screen name was 'fathornyman'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The Phantom of the Opie is there, inside my mind. The Phantom of the Oprah is there, inside my grind.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cuz they say Moe thousand zero Curly party over, oops out of time. So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 19 Larry Fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A cat will always like you best when you clip your nails and/or Lionel Richie's "All Night Long" plays.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I don't have anything to write about them, so I'm just going to type their names: Lou Diamond Phillips & Geri Halliwell.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I swear that I just had to accurately type in 'Genital Gilligan' for one website's CAPTCHA.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Someday, the bands Europe and Asia will merge into one ginormous supergroup 'Eurasia'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If anyone would like to film me in a movie titled 'The Last Action Sparrow', get at me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I marry Madonna, will I legally not have a last name?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Will Ferrell's identical twin brother is the drummer for the Red Hot Chili Peppers?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Hummus where the heart is." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I do a special jig that's exclusively and automatically performed whenever I hear Mötley Crüe's 'Dr. Feelgood'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Pied Piper? You're more like a pied diaper. So I hope you shit apples. And lattice the royal crust of your ass. Cause I'm hungry. West side.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I don't want to wait, T-Pain, for your love.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Then she told me she had a bun. It tasted like she'd used it once before, oat bran." - 'Wheat'-ther

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Megadeth's 'Peace Sells' bassline was the sound clip used in MTV News briefs?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmercial: 'Just Do Itt.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“This just in: Prince William and Kate Middleton name their newborn 'North West'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes I start singing the Lion King theme, and then people say 'Dude, are you singing the Lion King theme?'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You say 'toe may tow', I say 'toe motto', ewe say 'Poe tay tow', eye say 'Poe tot toe'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"There goes paranoid Floyd. Why so vague, Howard Sprague? Now there Gomer, that's a misnomer. Say Barn, I don't give a darn." - Andy Taylor

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 other things named Cassmark: 1. Asian-based clothing company 2. Cassette Marker 3. Couples named Cassie and Mark's online profile name”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cannot wait for Val Kilmer and Dean Cain to unite in the upcoming Batman & Superman movie!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Maybe it's Martian, it might be Venusian. Could it be from Jupiter? Aw shucks: 'II Use Your Illusion'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmercial: 'Every kiss begins with k.d. lang.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There are perks for one-person musical acts. For instance, I only have 3 other selfs to argue with instead of 3 or 4 other members.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Before entry into Leisure Suit Larry 1, you must answer 3 multiple-choice questions to verify adulthood. FYI, a Nehru jacket is out of date.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Top 3 Pointlessly Tattooed Words: 1. Forget 2. Go Fuck Myself 3. Shasta YOLO”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Dream beaver, I believe you can get me through the night. Dream beaver, I believe we can reach the morning light.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes, I look up at the stars and wonder where all of the expired Taco Bell sauce packets go.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“So Poupon me while I burn. And rise above the Grey Poupon me, Poupon me, I’ll never be the same.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Son of a bitch, dirty bag of shit." - I Really Don't Recall

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"When I first saw you, I already knew. There was something inside of you. Something I thought that I would never find. Larry of Fine." - 'Moe'-nica

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Just Sayin': Bumble beaver bitch, Tickle Me Elvis, who still hosts a local BBS line damn it all, I'd name a Cocker Spaniel Joe.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: The first song that I note-for-noted on the bass guitar was Michael Jackson's 'You Are Not Alone'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can killy. I will choose a path that's clear: I will choose Free Willy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Once, I was the drummer at a comedy club.. I liked this one joke so much, I did a 7 minute solo instead of a rimshot.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“That ain't a gherkin, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Get your honey for nothing. Guitar picks for free.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“After the end credits in 'Masters of the Universe', Skeletor's head pops up and says "I'll be back!".. You lied, Skeletor. You lied to me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd borrowed my book 'Penis of Steel' to someone. If it was you, please call me at 1-800-WET-TITS. Thanks.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That in the Iron Butterfly song 'In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida', they're actually singing 'Ina Garten Barefeeta'?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Hooty frutti, oh hooty. Hooty frutti, oh hooty. A whop bop-a-lu a whop bam hoot." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you call family jewels 'Steely Dans' and members 'Peter Pans', then you are gifted and lifted, because you speak in Morse Chode.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"[Dancing] I know it's holy guacamole. But I like it. Like it. Yes, I do! Oh, well. I like it. I like it. I like it! Mmmmm." - Mick Jagger

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Some of the sexiest people that I know are, well, me." - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Alice Cooper once told a story on his radio show about him and his band coming across Larry Fine at a bus stop in Hollywood circa the mid-'60s. It was beautiful.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Ruck roo, Raggy. Ruck rye Rick." - Scooby Doo

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"No, that was not a Freudian slip. Now here, lad. This is some of my Freudian dip, try it with a 'tato chip." - Dipmeister Sigmund Freud

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The deep male voice in the group Aqua sounds to be the most perverse human ever.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You can call me Dog; I'll just assume that you forgot to follow that with 'the Bounty Hunter'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ended up seeing 'The Lone Ranger' movie. I'm pretty sure that the credits read 'Johnny Depp as Himself'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In 1989, Pepsi came out with a morning soft drink called Pepsi A.M.. It didn't last long on the market, but I do believe that it's street name is 'Morning Meth Malt Medley'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I will only type with keyboards that have both an 'Enter' and a 'Return' key.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Try not to throw your partially used Fun Dip stick at the lunch lady's head.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You may not like your voice, I'd use it with your choice, for there are some without these things that'd love to have your voice.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'ROUGH ROAD' signs have to be one of the most lazy/ineffective yet creative fixes I've seen.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It doesn't really benefit having a photographic memory given how many ugly people and places there are.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Dramarama, Bananarama, Kalorama, Alabama. Bahama Mama, Bad Mamma Jamma, Pound on a Tama, Lambda Lambda Lambda.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“One of the teenage-year bands that I was in named a song 'Mof', because we wanted a shorter version of the word 'Mofo'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Fricative you, you bumbly bimbicile!" - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Uncle Joey's hand gesture to 'cut it out' really means 'I cut you hard' in international signing.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: The first audio file that I downloaded from the internet was a Hootie & the Blowfish parody titled '3 Inch Tool'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What's the past tense of tweet? Is it twat? Please tell me that it's twat.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim rally round tha family! Witha pasta, sauce and shells." - Rage Against the Pastina

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Try telling a child that when you were young, there used to be these edible things called 'popcorn balls'; this will be a child that will never trust nor respect you again.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That it takes about 142 licks to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've been in my mind, it's Larry Fine line. That keeps me searching for a heart of Moe. And I'm Curly Joe.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Peewee's anti-crack commercial made me wonder whether he knew firsthand what crack was, or whether he based those facts off of what he'd witnessed from Miss Yvonne's addiction.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"My jeans are 100% cotton. Cotton candy. Ass dandy cotton candy, I'll draw it out in the sandy." - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Flip-flop, trip hop, diva needs a push-up pop." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“To even out my tan, every now and then I'll jog around wearing nothing but a Scream mask and running arm sleeves.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Whenever I hear the name 'Stuck Mojo', I get hungry for potato wedges with ketchup.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Mr. Peanut spreads Nutella all over his ass and legs like a human does with Nair for similar results?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“As most everyone knows these days, it can be quite challenging to write something in one-hundred and forty characters without getting cut of”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In 4th grade, a buddy had the 'Time Life: Sounds of the 70s' commercial memorized and would sing it plentifully.. Yes, I'm still amazed.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ricki Lake should be one of the Great Lakes.. In this scenario, the G.L. acronym would likely be 'MOSHER' or 'HOMERS'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“One of the greatest things about writing is that a person can 'hear' the words by reading them in either Jack Handy's voice or their own dick-headed voice.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“One of the greatest things about writing is that a person can 'hear' the words by reading them in either Jack Handy's voice or their own dick-headed voice.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Cause I'm hoot, hoot hot baby, hoot hot hoot handle. Yeah I'm hoot, hoot hot, hoot hot hoot handle." - Woodsy U.F.Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I walked into an 'adult store' a while back. Knowing damn well who I was, an employee shouted 'Holy shit! It's Kenny Wayne Shepherd!'.. I gave her a $20 tip, for laughter is priceless.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Curious as to what Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson would be appraised at by a gemologist..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I used to get I.D.'d, I'd get upset. Now I'm bothered when I'm not. After all, I have retained a bit of my youthful acne!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Pared, paired, peared. Rode, road, rowed. Haired, hared, heired. Toad, towed, toed." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd post something along the lines of 'I'll share my schlong-dong with you'.. Only to suggest that I've been hacked.. But, everyone would know that it was actually me and that no hacking really occurred.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“R.I.P. Doink the Clown. Wherever he may be, I know one thing's for sure: Bam Bam Bigelow is there and kicking his ass.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"There's a Woodsy who's sure all that litters is mold. And hoot's flying an airway hoot heaven." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That the Pixies' song 'Wave of Mutilation' starts off with the drum beat to ZZ Top's 'Gimme All Your Lovin''?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I can't help but self-discuss the production of the audio while attempting to listen to meditation tapes.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Sunshine Rain' - Umbrella on my head, parasol in the grass; shield me from the wet, shade my tanning ass.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The last time that I was at a drum circle, I channeled into a Buddy Rich solo on a set of congas; I freaked some people out.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Last night, I dreamt that I beat Maze-A-Tron! In the dream, it all made a great deal of sense.. Even the game!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“AT&T suggests to 'Rethink Possible'.. When I do, I come up with 'Unthink Impossible' and 'Red-Pink Popsicle'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Even as a youngin', I'd felt that Aerosmith's anagrammatic album title 'Night in the Ruts' was a tad bit immature.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Bringing up the show 'My Brother and Me' sometimes feels like a Twilight Zone scenario given how many people have no recollection of it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Some of the best drawings that were ever created have been doodles of extra features on celebs faces on Happenings Magazine covers.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Besides Joel Osteen being there, the best part about Nik Wallenda's Grand Canyon tightrope walk was the shout-out to his sorcerer.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If drinking Red Bull gives humans wings, then do Red Bull-drinking birds acquire sets of hands with thumbs?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"For the party, I'll bring the 6 pack.. of burritos. Make that 5 pack: nomina nomina nom." - Gallagher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"For the party, I'll bring the 6 pack.. of abs." - John Basedow

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It took 48 pigs to create the magic of 'Babe'. It took only one Paula Deen to eat Mayor McCheese and call Grimace and the Fry Kids racial slurs.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Cause she's my best friend's girl. Well, she's my best friend's girl, girl. And she used to be mine. She's so Larry Fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I made Bon Jovi tear for joy when telling him that I altered my last name to 'Fran Jello'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"The butterfly hoot hoot that's old, let me see that hootsie roll. Cotton candy's sweet as crow, let me see that hootsie roll." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Hey, man you cookin' linguine? Shake it out. You gotta keep 'em separated." - The Offspring

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Let our powers combine: Earth: Starchild Paul, Fire: Demon Gene, Wind: Space Ace, Water: Catman Peter Chriss, Heart: Cassman Jim. Go Planet!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I take the circumference of my pecker and divide it by it's diameter, why then my friends, I have pure pi in my hands.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Given all the backstreets I've been down, only twice have I run into Brian and A.J.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's 2013 Post-game Prediction for Game 7 of the NBA Finals: The Miami Heat will defeat the San Antonio Spurs in regulation 95-88.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Funky Cold Medina left out to heat up in sunlight will turn into Ecto Cooler?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Most all musicians know that having Little Darling Dolls created of themselves will get maximum exposure.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Nearing certainty that Lars Frederiksen is on the 2012-13 Miami Heat roster.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've hit my 20-year anniversary of internet usage.. Anyone else still getting charged for service by the hour? Like I say, '28K is the only real way in the information super-highway of today'..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Code red, code red, follow the beat, or else you're code dead; I need some code head." - Sergio Penis

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Supdate: Cassmark's 'The 486SX EP' music written and recorded! Lyrics coming along.. Then: back to the stu-stu-studio!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Larry on my wayward Fine, there'll be peas where you go dine. Lay your merry bread to breast, don't throw pie no more.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That 'Magic Mike' is not a movie about the life and times of Mike O'Malley and the Aggro Crag?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Happy people! Happy pee pole!" - R. Kelly

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Hey you! Just rest and relaxo while I play my saxo; with the tongue, on the lips, giving a lick, blowin' a kiss.. Toot toot toottoot toot.." - Kenny G.

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I'm calling you catty, catty. Can you be my catty, catty? I need a catty, catty. Won't you be my kitty, catty?" - Jim of Cassmark w/ Regina

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I prefer my hash and my tags to be separate, thank you very much!" - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Swimming in the Atlantic Ocean with Steven Tyler while he's calling me DJ Quinoa is all that a power nap has ever helped me achieve.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Happy Father's Day to my papa, Jim of Cassmark." - Justin Bieber

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: I came up with the entire arrangement for Tiffany's remake of 'I Think We're Alone Now' when I was 3 for an undisclosed sum of payola under the table.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Oh, the irony. The steam irony. The steam irony is on my inner thigh and burning the hairs off of my leg chubsicles.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I need lawful assistance in the court of food, I choose Cabbage, Cabbage, Grape-is & Oat-tier.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In the early '90s, my dad bought a guitar that was signed by Nuno Bettencourt. I made a promise to myself then and there: Never purchase a guitar that was signed by Nuno Bettencourt.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Congrats to Amber & Kevin! I asked, but the cover band didn't know nor have the sheet music for 'Kiss from a Rose'..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“‘Did you know?’: That the Meow Mix song was a rejected number from the CATS musical written by Boots von Furball?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Hoot there it is. Hoot there it is." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Effective Immediately: The Cassmark 'Self-Titled' and 'Squelch EP' songs available for free download on many sites! Grab some tuneys today!!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“This month, the Cassmark Bookclub will be taking on 'Little Max the Cement Mixer'. Members, get ready for discussion.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I can be De Niro, baby. I can piss off a T-Pain. I will stand by Master Splinter. You can take John Tesh some hay.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Any person that catches me not instantly joining them as the female voice in the Three's Company theme gets $20.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Bitch, I've got more mussels than Vin Diesel." - Long John Silver

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I love you, Jewel Hair Mermaid Barbie!" - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I am yours, Larry Fine, you are what you are, and you make it hard.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: Billionaires love 'Kyra Sedgwick The Closer' and RoboCop. Tell them that you're RoboCop, that you know 'Kyra Sedgwick The Closer', and that you want their money.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Mmm.. More cumin than cumin, more cumin than cumin." - Tamale & Rob Zombie

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tis true. My first book will be a pop-up book.. It will be a book centered around my pelvis.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, booyah, moolah, ooh la la, cha-cha-cha, ooh ee ooh ah ah, rah-rah sis-boom-bah." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Call me on the tele, cause there's a rumble in my belly, yeah I have on Nelly, and I ask for apple jelly." - Ghost of Alexander Graham Bell

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Uncertain why Slade (& Quiet Riot) used the given spelling for their hit 'Cum on Feel the Noize'.. Who's ever seen noize spelled like that?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I will make you a power salad and not a power ballad. I will perform Steelheart's 'I'll Never Let You Go' if the salad was not enough.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“As a teen, I found The Who's 'Live at Leeds' in an old record box. Inside was their Woodstock contract amongst other band-related papers.. I thought I was going to have a great payday! Turned out that every original copy of that record had those replicated documents inside.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“10 years ago, it was a very close call on what to name my musical situation.. It was between Cassmark ('Sarcastic Remark') and The Shemptations. I still dig both.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“(It's all about yew) Every other city we sow, every other eryngo. No matter where I grow, I see the same oak.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tip from Jim: If you ever happen to make it to Plainfield, Wisconsin and are surrounded by local elders.. Whatever you do, do not mention Ed Gein or anything that rhymes with him.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A modern day warrior. Mean, mean stride. Today's Tom Sawyer: Larry Fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Hoot hoot riot, throw back a throttle of deer, hoot hoot riot, pull a comb through your coal black hare." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That da name Lady Gaga and da game Candy Crush Saga are derived from the pristine Queen and Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When a crossword puzzle gives the clue 'It may be tapped at a concert', there's a good chance that the fitting 3-letter answer is 'toe' and not 'keg' nor 'ass'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My two main guitars are named Carol Burnett and Jennifer Saunders. I know these ladies so well, I can mimic your voice with them.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In Stabbing Westward's 'Shame', where it's said 'How can I exist without you?'.. For the longest time, I thought that line was 'How can I have sex without you?'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What in the cell do I need this phone for with all of these pigeon posts that I send?!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What in the cell do I need this phone for with all of these pigeon posts that I send?!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Sometimes, people cry when they meet me. Normally, it has to do with me profusely punching them.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“All we are saying is give Flea some pants.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Yeah, I'm pretty sure that P.O.D. is not the third installment of M.O.D. & S.O.D.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Played a gig in Noctropolis.. Never again! I'd be more likely to perform in Cyberia. Or even in Phantasmagoria.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Is that my coin purse, or am I just happy to see you? Hello, it's a burrito! Nom nomsy." - Gallagher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If I Love Lucy & Joanie Loves Chachi, then who'll be left to love sweet Liberace?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Once upon a time, I called Miss Cleo.. He told me that I was Susan B. Anthony in a past life. Or was that Marc Anthony?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Hoot are you? Hoot hoot? Hoot hoot?" - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Fuck you, pay me." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Dolls like Goo Goo, True like Value, Street like Picabo, Jim's a Thugaboo." - Young Jeezy

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“As a ventriloquist, I don't even attempt to hide my mouth from moving while speaking as the puppet's voice. It works when the audience looks solely at the puppet.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“(Nice ass!!) 'Say, that's my face!'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My hips don't lie.. About 3 times a year, I rent out the 'Honeymoon Suite' at the Sybaris and go swimming with my cat.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What's up with all this chatter about Arrested Development?? It almost feels like their song "Tennessee" was released this past week..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Interesting. Upon doing Vanessa Williams research, I discovered Cassmark has an MTV page: http://www.mtv.com/artists/cassmark/”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Is it just me, or has Mick Fleetwood looked 700 years old for a very long time now?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Any politician that would base their campaign on a song they'd write and perform called 'Freaky Fiscal Funky Disco' would be elected.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I'm not a nude artist. I'm just a nude Amish man visiting this fine city showin' what he's knowin'." - Amish John Hancock, the streets, 1:30 A.M.

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That 42% of emails sent suggesting that you're the recipient of millions of dollars from a foreign donor are legitimate?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassboard Confessional: Today, I woke up singing 'I'm a Slave 4 U' by Britney Spears.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When you get a boner because you're thinking about getting a boner.. Does that make it a meta-boner?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The Battle of the Bands wasn't what I thought it was.. I showed up with Mark Henry and Lex Luger as tag-team partners. Still, we took third place as a band, because Lex equals super-funky.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I fell asleep to Incubus, then dreamt about a succubus, so I have a built-in abacus, and the face of Snuffleupagus.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm making it through a town that looks like Weinerville.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hey Judds, don't make it fat. Take a bad song and make it badder. Remember to let them into your heart. Then yous can start to make it badder.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Kick his ass, Lance Bass!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes when I pee, I think of David Lee, Roth up in a broth, climbing on a pea. And when I drink some tea, I think of David Lee, Roth dressed as a sloth, climbing down a tree.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Kick his ass, Sea Cass!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Given the success of their show, I'm taking a week to create my own show, 'Dick Dynasty'..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That there is nothing blue collar about the Blue Collar Comedy Tour?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Larry Fine, stay close to me, don't let me be in love, it's tearin' apart my blue, blue heart.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The world would be a much better place if every person would purchase a musical instrument for a child.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What's on my mind? I'm just pondering the idea of Dave Mustaine singing 'The Lollipop Guild'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Fahrvergnügen is the only German word that I know how to use.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“So that I feel cool, I pull my bicycle up to gas stations and pump gasoline all over it. One gallon usually lasts 50 miles that way.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There is a much better chance of our horoscope being accurate if we read all twelve signs and pick out which one is the best for us.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Once I painted myself green, put a red cape on my back, and gulped good words floating in the air. I later explained that I was 2nd place in Super Munchers for an entire year.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You're so very Pennzoil. But I'm a Jeep, I'm a Pinto. What the Shell am I doing rear? I don't belong gear.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Most people don't know this about me: I'm a nun.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I can sound like the Mortal Kombat 'Toasty!' guy.. Never have I figured out the Street Fighter 'Hadouken' without making it sound like Wizzo from Bozo.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Bonilla, you're breaking my heart. You're shaking my confidence daily. Bobby Bonilla, I'm down on my knees. I'm begging you please to run home. Run on home!" - Andy Van Slyke

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim, you looks good, won't you back that Cass up? You'se a fine funkyfunker, won't you back that Cass up? Call me big Cassy when you back that Cass up. Poe, who is you playing with? Back that Cass up." - Juvenile

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If I find a working payphone, I will 1-800-COLLECT the Dundee out of Australia.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Dear Abby: I'm doing alright, thanks for asking.. Anywho, I need some help getting in contact with your sister, Ann Landers. She's a babe. I'd like to bag it up. What should I do?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The only microwave times that I punch in and use to heat food are the numbers that Ludacris shouts out in 'Area Codes'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Although most people think that my song 'Miltown' is in reference to Milwaukee, it's actually about the same-named drug that I used when I was a 1950's housewife.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Try to see it once my way. Everything Ben, everything Ben. I do think so!" - Bush (band)

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If the Cassmark music could magically form a human face, it would be none other than that of James Tolkan.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Really, I've been listening to Joe Satriani since I was 3 years old. So, if you happen to bring him up in convo, don't be offended if I become bored.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes, I bust out the blues standards on the g-tar. Two of my faves: 'Hill Street Blues' and 'The Kraft Blues'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I thought the 'Juggalo Training Session' was to learn how to juggle objects in the air. Boy, was I wrong! The Juggalos still taught me how to juggle.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Are there Americana acts residing outside of the Americas?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That the Red Baron's greatest WWI victory was the infamous '4-Cheese Pizza with Rising Crust'?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jimmy Buffett, sat on a tuffet, eating cheeseburgers and shakes; Along came Dee Snyder, who sat down beside bird, and frightened Parrothead away.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Spacey like Kevin; angel's food cake, devil's food cake.. I DON'T CARE!! SHOVE THAT SHIT IN MY MOUTH!!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's a good thing that I'm not a practicing Doctor, because I'd probably diagnose everyone as crazy and write them prescriptions for 'Ketchup' and to 'Shut the Hell Up'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Happy Mother's Day to Mama Cassmark! Baby Jimmy needs some Gerber grub and his diaper changed! And where in the Hellmann's did you put my Speak & Spell?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you'd really like to get me something for Mother's Day, then go right ahead and buy mama a new Casio SK-1 and an aardvark.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The stripper nipples in Duke Nukem 3D have to be the most inaccurate portrayal of stripper nipples ever.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You know, now that you mention it.. I am a lot like Val Venis!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Just as Patience and Prudence, you're an Awesome Possum. Say hello to Six, if you're gonna be on Blossom.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Note to Self (and Everyone): Again, there's no need to remind any of the Marilyn Manson band members that they'd ruined 'Tainted Love'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sheetz, I known about Macklemore since he was known as Cracklewhore.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Mr. Men books, and hay Little Misses. If there's a pen, then there pen ises!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Blue blazer bugaboo Booby's belly built by beer biscuits.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Duh, dude. Handy Andy and the Brawny Man are clearly brothers.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Cassmark Lyric Drop-shop': One in a bouillon, like watching Mulan, haven't seen her in years, our changes fierce. Stopped thinking, in strong inklings, curator cow love, peace of a dove.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I can't sport a standalone moustache without beard because I end up looking in the mirror asking 'Why are you doing this to yourself?'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The Vlasic stork brought me a baby. A baby pickle. So I ate it. And then he ate me. The circle of life? Yep.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Sorry, buddy. I don't have a lighter. Here are some matches, though.. My ass, your face; my stache, your ass!" - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's the return of the cicadas. I'm thrilled about this. Try playing a guitar to a live cicada making sound. Speed-bending required.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“NEWS - Two Popes living at Vatican welcome third: Poperah Winfrey.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When you are naked, you mean a lot to me. It's just that, well, then you are so smooth, baby. Curvy curvy move, nakey nakey shoova shoov.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“After I complete 'The 486SX EP' album, I'll be playing some promotional shows and working on another live DVD titled 'Jur-Cass-ic Mark'!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Go away, hair cowlick! Harry Connick, Jr.!" - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hopeful that Dorothy's ruby-red slippers from The Wizard of Oz are men's size 13-wide..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“He'd call me Ish Kabibble, caught fish 5 times a day, we watched his magic black box; Per-View there was no Pay. He said he liked my music, and knew a guy that played, a WWII-time Navy pal, tomatoes never the same. ~ R.I.P. Grandpa Steve”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Everybody had a hard year, everybody had a good time, everybody had a wet dream, everybody saw Larry Fine. Oh yeah.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Through music and advertising, the California Raisins were created to promote healthy food. My question: Will there be an Almond Brothers Band in my lifetime?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd seen the original Scorpions 'Virgin Killer' album cover when I was a young child, so I didn't understand what the controversy was until I aged a bit.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Do all of the new census surveys ask if we're oliphant or elephant?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd watched GWAR's 'Phallus in Wonderland' for the first time in 2006. It was the first thing that'd really helped me get back on track.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Just finished a 7-day/150-mile bicycling session.. Without hesitation, the most spectacular moment of the journey was seeing a trio of llamas on a Wisconsin farm.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Don't slippy on a mickey. Don't slippy on a roofie. And, whateva u dew, do not slippy on a Mickey Rooney.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you're havin' mural problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems, but a kitsch ain't one.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Weezer had an autograph session at a local business when they were touring for their Green Album; Pat was kicking a soccer ball, Mikey looked like the portal to the '70s, Brian was chillin' and just what I'd imagined, and Rivers seemed tired. So tired..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Ice Cream of the Future' was first tried by yours truly in 1998. In actuality, my first taste from back then was produced at the Dippin' Dots plant today!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I am greeted with 'Namaste', I smile and reply 'I'm nastay'..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What's so funny 'bout peace, love, and watching scrambled 'Spice'? Ohhh.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Larry, Larry Fine contrary, how does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells and Curly, Shemp, and Moe.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Me thinks that I'm accurately remembering that the guy who voiced the Dad Stu in 'Rugrats' was also a main voice in a handful of 'Country Crock' commercials.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I want to spread like an eagle, to the sea, spread like an eagle, let my pier it carry me, I want to spread..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Gordon Lightfoot would have also been a great boxing name. Almost Butterbean status.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Many people are surprised when I tell them that 'Cassmark in Cuba' only took $100,000 to budget; half for props & travel expenditures, half for profit.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Burrito, burrito on the wall, who is the nommies of them all?" - Gallagher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Someday Jay-Z you'll accomp'ny me, out where the Nate Dogg met the Warren G.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I thought you said to rub a 'penis-sized' amount of ointment on my chest, but now I know that you said 'pea-sized'." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Kiss my Cass, yo suck my kiss, Jim's got the sass, given the abyss." - Anthony Kiedis

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I was 7 years old, I'd penned my first lyrics. The first line was 'My honey bee kisses me on the lips'.. I was listening to a lot of Aerosmith at the time.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Awwwww snap! I enjoy that Sarah McLachlan song, 'Building a Mr. T'!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's Top Celeb Fans: 1) Geraldo Rivera 2) Louie Anderson 3) Wesley Snipes”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The last manager that told me not to post one of my quips was beheaded and fed to my cat.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In being named so, Pitbull the entertainer is the wimpiest thing ever to associate with the dog breed.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You had me at 'Hello Rockview'..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Soulja Boy, smell 'em.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Oh, that thing there? That's a 'My Little Pony Danza'!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“For Sale - Framed Tom from Myspace picture. 16" x 20" print, color. Several remaining. Contact: Jim of Cassmark”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I make appearances, I'm told by the hosts to write down my backstage demands. I always write down Kiki Shepard's Pie and Ciara Mist.. I'm usually let down.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“While at the doctor's office, I always want to strip naked in between the time I'm brought to my room and the time it takes the doctor to make it there; I just want to be comfy and funky.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A waterbed that is also a bunk bed sounds like something that I need. And need to invent.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In 2000, a nationally released movie named 'The Smokers' was shot in my hometown. Even though it's one of the worst movies I've ever seen, it's neato to see the footage from the landmarks they'd filmed at.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Dr. Scholl's, Gellin' Medicine Woman.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I'm a model. You know what I mean? And I do my little turn on the Casswalk. Dance on the Casswalk." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"You make me so very horny, I'm so glad that you came into my pants." - Geraldo, Sweat & Tears

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Our house is a Larry, Larry, Larry Fine house. With two cats in the yard, likely they will bombard. Now everything is peasy cause of you.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Pumpkin from Flavor of Love was on Family Feud with her non-celebrity family shortly after F.o.L. had aired. It was all I could focus on given that episode.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Supdate: Jim is finally coming up with lyrics for Cassmark's upcoming 'The 486SX EP'! The lengthiest part of songwriting, he finds them 'easiest' to write in the springtime.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My favorite bandimal is the JACKAL.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“MA$E used to be known as Murda Mase. It's okay to laugh at him for this. I am.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Three suited men walked up to the house of Yanni to give him the gifts of Goldust, Merv Griffin, and Frankenstein DVDs.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I was the original drummer of the FreeCreditScore.com band until the guys realized that I was relying directly on Equifax.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Roma Downey. Naturally for me, it slides off of the tongue as Roma Downey, Jr.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My dad used to say there would come a day when we wouldn't even know that command prompt was there. And I was like, 'Yeah, whateva. I wish I could cls that crazy thought!'..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's Baby Naming Tips: Please name your baby 'Tikki Tikki Tembo No Sa Rembo Chari Bari Ruchi Pip Peri Pembo'. Just don't live anywhere near a well.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's kind of weird being more well-known than any locally elected official just from writing music, being sexay, and dancing. Still, vote for me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I long for you. Oopsy daisy, typo.. I'm long for you.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My first words ever were Mama, Dada, Bob Barker, and Plinko.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Force of habit had me calling The Strokes 'Stroke 9' for months after hearing about them.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I sure hope that Chest-a-Peak Bay is what I'm imagining it to be!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“All those years ago, I'd taught myself how to roller skate by watching and singing along to Mariah Carey's 'Fantasy' video.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That the Bush's Baked Beans dog Duke is the daddy of the lead actor in the Air Bud movies?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My friends told me that a dolphin dive was one where you jump out of the water as Ecco would with your trunks all the way down if not off.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The original Viacom theme is the greatest 3-second song ever.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I know it's up for me (If you steal Larry Fine), making sure I'm not in too deep (If you steal Larry Fine)" - Len

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I believe in your porpoise baby. Coming up to the swordfish and maybe I'll never sea you again. Then a wren who rows? Lake sea river, hands gill liver. Krill yacht all the brinks that I woulda gizzard. Yeah, yeah but it's slow rowing..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Johnny Canuck said he'd give me two Nickelbacks for one peso.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There's a pagoda next to Qdoba where Abe Vigoda creates in Crayola an ad for Toyota while on his Motorola singing L-O-L-A drinking RC Cola.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If the proof is in the pudding and I eat the pudding, would I be living proof?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I play this great version of Marco Polo. It's called K-Ci JoJo.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It doesn't make you Miss Cleo just because you can tell what buildings used to be a Taco Bell.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“He's a Jezzball wizard, there has to be a gist, a Jezzball wizard, S'got such a double wrist..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's not a Huffy and not a Harley, it's a Fuji and it's Fugees gnarly, P Diddy makes good vegan barley, got to have Kaya with Marley.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Rumor has it that Chris Martin had to sing words backwards to get the effect for Coldplay's 'The Scientist' video. Chris, I'll give you $150 if you can teach me how to sing 'Louie Louie' in reverse. Cash.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That all of the original copies of the Carpenters album 'Close to You' were carved from solid oak?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you'd like to test my street cred, just have a mean stranger approach me and watch me bash the heaven out of them with my monkey limbs.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I thought I did the Quail Call, but Rick Moranis appeared.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My mom just realized that my cat does ballet while in the litter box.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Kind of upset about the 2013 March Madness tournament. It's my fault though; I bet my money on Orel Hershiser winning it before the teams were even selected..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“-1 is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. -2 can be as bad as -1; it's the loneliest number since the number -1..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Someone asked me what I'd do if I could travel time. And I replied honestly and on point. I said that I'd go back in time and drum for The Supremes.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Last dance with Larry Fine, one more time to Sol the Pine. I feel summer sleepin' in and I'm tired of Chris Brown again.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I eat my mashed potatoes with extra groovy!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Strummin' T-Pain with my fingers, singing my life with cheese curds, filling me oftly with Ding Dongs, filling me oftly with Ding Dongs, telling my whole life with cheese curds, filling me oftly with Ding Dongs.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Never again shall I help you do the Hokey Pokey, Danny Gokey.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Rye til I pie, cloaked til they stroke me. The grits don't slop til my basket drop.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“How in the hell did 'Suburban Commando' slip past me until now?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The 'M' next to the word 'SEX' on my driver's license stands for both 'Male' and 'Maxxinista'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I don't want to wait in vine for your grapes.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Lifelong nicknames for Jim of Cassmark: Jim Frangelo the Nippleless Fellow, Spartacus, Choo-Choo, and Sergio Penis.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When Sylvester Stallone and Joe Pesci have a baby together while watching '8 Heads in a Duffel Bag', they'll have my daddy's identical twin broski.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I just called Pizza Hut and asked them to deliver me their 'The Land Before Time' hand puppets! Oh boy, only 45 minutes to an hour and $447.88!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Marquee malarkey, Tom Chambers, Charles Barkley. Suns, puns, sons of a nun, done.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What has happened to the cat that was in that one Paula Abdul video? It's just a shame that I haven't seen him in anything else since..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's 5 o'clock somewhere.. Actually, it's either a quarter to 5 or a quarter to 6 at the closest.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If there's no such thing as a dumb/bad question, do smart/good ones exist?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I was 8 or so, the Easter Bunny's tail had fallen off at the mall. It was at that moment that I realized the Easter Bunny wore Levi's 501s.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Often, I'll catch myself in deep thought about Robin Williams movies.. Actually, just about 'Jack'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Please think a good thought for my son, Justin Bieber. He's going through a little bit of a rough patch.. It'll be okay, my little honey bee-bear.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I woke up to write down 'plastic butt case'.. On a napkin, in good cursive..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Maybe Starr Ringo ate your baby?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Has anyone ever noticed that David Letterman often starts to hum what his band plays? Has anyone noticed how awful he is at it?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Tickle my tummy with a taco, but burst my belly with a burrito." - Gallagher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Hey Jimmy'.. I think I hear my name!.. 'Hey Jimmy'.. I think I hear it again!.. 'You're wanted on the telephone'.. If it isn't Emeril, I'm not at home!.. 'With a ring-ding-ding-a-ding ding oh yeah'...”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Scientific fact has proven that the 'Rocky' series is best viewed in this order: I, IV, II, V, III while skipping 'VI' entirely.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“No thyme for a summer friend, no thyme for the love you send, seasons change and so did I, you need not wonder why, there’s no thyme left for you, no thyme left for you.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Q&A with Jim - Q: If you could change one thing about the state of Greece, what would it be? A: I guess I'd have Frenchy and Doody hook up.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If there's ever a Cassmark movie made, I'd like to have Geena Davis play me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I spy something rather necessary.. "I know! My Flickerstick CD!!"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When Master P sees me, he doesn't say 'HOODY HOO!!'.. He says 'BOOTY OOH!!'..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Miltown Jimmy's back again, doin' a little cheese toast thing.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My blood type is 'garlic-infused'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Shish kabob, Shawshank Redemption, Chicago.. Shakira, Cher, Sha Na Na.. Shikaka!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“And she'll have fun fun fun til her daddy takes the T-Mobile away.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My basketball coach told me to get in the zone, so I called a timeout and ran to AutoZone.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Take pride in whatever you may be! You popcorn-eating freak!" - Orville Redenbacher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Well, at least it's the thought that counts.. When I was a child and before the technology was available, I'd unsuccessfully attempted to rip CDs onto computers and burn them onto floppy disks.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmotto: Wear it up in a Doris Day way, tear it up with a Morris Day sway!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The rumor about saying 'Candyman' in the mirror five times is hogwash! Although I haven't won a single game of Candy Land since..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When urine comes out in two streams, I really aim in-between the seams.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': If you sing Crazy Town's 'Butterfly' to an actual butterfly, it will turn itself back into a caterpillar?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A buddy was talking to me about the U2 and the SR-71. All I could contribute about those aircraft were facts about the bands.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My doctor gave me a high five, told me that I was in good shape, and said that I have Da-Man-tia!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Wanted to look like Grimace, ended up looking like Birdie the Early Bird.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When is Babyface going to change his name to FullyGrownManface?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“This little light of mine, I'm gonna Larry Fine. Larry Fine, Larry Fine, Larry Fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I find sometimes it's easy to be myself. Sometimes, I find it's better to be Dave Matthews.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Bird of wonder, build a nest between my breast. Tell me I'm the best. I will brush your beak with Crest. I'll get that 'THUG LIFE' tatted on your chest.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"My Ginsu makes me say woo woo woo, coo ooh woo woo." - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wonder how much help is accrued from postings about missing people on social media sites. Hopefully as much as the Soul Asylum 'Runaway Train' video.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I love and am in love with the Micro Machines Man.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Has anyone seen my friend, Danny Lash? I haven't seen him since the 2nd grade. I bet he now has a killer stache. We really did like our lemonade.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In a fair 90's retrospect, Tuff Stuff was far more accurate than Beckett.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Some people think that I'm a professional wrestler because my music starts right before I start kicking their asses.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“John Fogerty demands that his yogurt's free!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“And I'd thought LMS stood for 'Like My Sausage'..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That The Righteous Brothers were credited with building the world's first successful airplane?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Imagine how the world could be, so Larry Fine, so happy together.. I can't see me shoving nobody but you for all my life.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'll pass on the Tarot Cards and double up on those carrot shards!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You can call me Pampered, but you'd be incorrect.. If you would look a bit closer, you might just realize that I'm a Huggies man!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“St. Patrick Ewing's Day is a great day because it's surrounded by the color green.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I try and seem more intimidating for whatever the reason, I just tell myself to become the Emilio Estevez.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've legally changed my name to Mila Kunis.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ted Danson, you're cordially invited to Thug's Mansion.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The hat regathering: 3 miles of backtracking to retrace my cherished yellow winter hat of 13 years while pedaling the bicycle. It was worth it!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Big Mouth Billy Bass sings 'Take Me To the River' and then bites my ass!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“While sleeping, I thought the news had said 'the next Pope is Black Francis'.. Evidently, there was no more black smoke and there's a Pope Francis..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When and where would be the best time and place to sow Mr. Potato Head and my Cabbage Patch Kid? My naked Treasure Troll is hungry.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I sure hope that I'm not coming down with Larry-Fine-Ingitis while coming up with all of the lyrics and scooba-dooba-dooba-dooba-dooba-mell-o-deeees!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“And I'm tree, tree fallin'. Yeah I'm free, free ballin'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's colder than it ought to be in March, and I'm still gonna cook with starch, til I'll be breading foam onto your arms again.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Cause it's a Twitter tweet timpani, that's rife.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I'll be there with balls on.. Maybe bells, too!" - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“To me, 3/11 is an official holiday. Most of the day is spent speaking in 311 lyrics. "You're all up in my mix like fuckin' Betty Crocker. You think you're playing me, but actually you're a jocker."”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"To my little Jimmychanga. This will be the best pun yet! This will be the best pun yet! This will be.. the best pun yet!" - Henry Rollins

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“All I want for my Earth Day: fish & big Hootie Blow, fish & big Hootie Blow, fish & big Hootie Blow.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? She'd turned into an evil old byotch, that's what.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My best premonition ever was knowing what the word 'skeet' would mean.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The only way that negative nimwads should be able to Phase you should be like the liquid butter alternative!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“And with his touch, his bold sage, and his wisdom.. He whispers, 'Moe, this will be a blast'.. And the wind cries Larry [Fine]”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sardo and I had lunch today at Dr. Vink's restaurant. That tomato basil soup was soup-erb!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“No, it wouldn't be cute to name your cat Stevens!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“One of the greatest Twilight Zone episodes is the one where Henry Harper is the only being alive that vividly recollects Vanilla Ice's 'Stop That Train' video.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I love you, and I need you. Nelly, I love you. I do. Need you.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've been called and compared to Patty Duke more times than there are grains of sand on Earth.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Dreaming about William Frawley is one of the more 'normal' things that I do.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Why has sea custard been all over the news lately?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I think I did a version of the Harlem Shake the other night. Yeah, I put on the Globetrotters whistle theme and ordered a Shamrock Shake.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In the early 1800s, the U.S. Mint had issued the '37-and-a-half-cent piece'. A somewhat rare and short-lived alternative to the half-dollar, it featured the Quaker Oats Man on the front and was made of lead, wood, and oatmeal.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Claire Danes, hair drains, Tim Raines, toy trains, Des Plaines.. I gotsy! Chris Gaines!" - Garth Brooks

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There's only one letter of difference between public and pubic, so it's damn near acceptable to use them interchangeably. That being said, I don't like pubic restrooms.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's just placed 3rd in the 2013 'Young Author's Award' contest for his story 'The Dodo Bird That Grew from My Belly' under the 'Short Story: Ages 6-9' category! Age is just a number, so Jim wrote down that he was 6.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I still haven't found a way to work the word 'anise' into any of my lyrics!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Earth is like my burrito: The crust is the tortilla, the mantle being lettuce and salsa, and a core of cheese and beans. My mouth will now act as Nom Nom Ocean." - Gallagher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“She sells seashells by the Pauly Shore.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That T-Pain can rhyme the words 'mansion' and 'Wisconsin'?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If I was ever to become a pornstar, my name would be Angela Mansbury.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's been rumored that if you synchronize 'The Dark Side of the Moon' to a muted version of Dr. Oz, DSOTM will correspond to the show.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I start off dancing the Macarena and unintentionally end doing the Grease hand jive.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Tell me all your thoughts on cod, cause I'd really like to eat, sir." - Fishwalla

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark dissected: 'cas' = sarcastic, 's' = the S in Harry S Truman, 'mark' = remark”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Really uncertain whether or not a Teddy Ruxpin could keep up with this beatbox cassette that I have.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Give a little bit, give a little bit of your donk to me. Give a little bit, I'll give a little bit of my dong to you." - Super Geraldo Rivera Tramp

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Congrats to 'Argo' on winning 2013 Best Picture. It's the first corn starch to take home the Oscar. Many people had expected 'ALPO' to win.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The 2013 Oscar for Best Non-Fiction Film, Historical Significance goes to... 'Ewoks: The Battle for Endor'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Are you sure that 'Dunston Checks In' isn't the sequel to 'Congo'?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tricky, don't lose that number. You don't wanna call nobody else. Send it off in a letter to yourself.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"You know what 'FEAR' stands for? It stands for False Evidence Appearing Real." - Gary Busey

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If a tigon and a liger mated, what would their offspring be?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Grand Champions: The most beautiful horses in the world.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I haven't tried Yoga yet.. But I have tried Goya, and their products are great!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Once someone asked me if I was serious, and I pulled my pants down.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My Trek, my track. Trick my little pussy cat.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Age doesn't mean a whole lot to me.. Except for the people that were either one grade level above or below me in school.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes I use forks to play spoons, call up Warren Moon, wash with Vidal Sassoon, sing the theme to Daniel Boone.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The ballad is pallid because it lacks fruit salad, for fruit salad makes things valid.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Usher's song My Boo has an unedited version, and it's titled My Boob?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Baby's good to me. You know, she's happy as can be. You know, she said so. I'm in love with her like Larry Fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There was a Batman cereal that came with this plastic Batman bank. I'd like to get an unopened box just to see how it stood up over time by eating it; the bank, that is.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“By the time I was 22, I had permanent hearing loss and a permanent baroreceptor sticking out of my neck from 'loud exposure to music'. 95% of my guitar playing is without an amp, as are the guitar parts I've written.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I remember some of my babyhood, and it was good, like a babyhood good. And then I stood in my babyhood, and tapped beats on wood, a drummin' as I would.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Congratulations to Mississippi for ratifying the 13th Amendment. Maybe you'll accept electricity as a State in the next century.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Her hair is Harlow gold, her lips sweet surprise, her hands are never cold, Jim's got Miles Davis eyes.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In a recent 2013 U.S. nationwide survey, it had been concluded that the prettiest brand name was Brut.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Wheel of Fortune must have used the phrase 'Orange Julius Erving' at least once for their Before & After puzzle.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“What time is it? It's rock cock o'clock.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes when I eat Godiva, I feel like saying and singing 'Go, diva'..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My hands are huge, I know. But they're not gourds, they are my tone.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I listen to My Bloody Valentine occasionally, but I actually know this guy: My buddy, Valentino.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A Day in the Life... of Jim: 02/14/2013: It was Jim's 9th anniversary of having a vegetarian diet. He had a beautiful nacho platter, fudge and a bib to celebrate the occasion.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes when I want to walk through walls, I try using the method of saying IDSPISPOPD, forgetting that I am not in DOOM.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Just finished my millionth burrito.. Wait a moment.. Nominee nom nom.. Make that a million and oneth!" - Gallagher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've made millions by selling generic Yahtzee scorecard sheets.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wish that I could take all of my school yearbook pictures and have them slowly morph one into the next, much like the Roseanne intro to season 8. With the season 9 theme song coinciding.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm a glitch, I'm a glover, I'm a wild, I'm a strutter, I'm a dinner, I'm a paint; I do not feel untamed. I'm your bell, I'm your beam, I'm nothing but a green; you know you wouldn't have it any other cray.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Dear Vatican, please stop pestering me to join the Popehood. I am not interested. I'm too busy having a great time creating the next Cassmark album.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I freak some people out when I start slaying Minesweeper on expert mode.. I'm still much more of a freak-a-leak at Jezzball.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd just thought that a cookie on my desk was a drink coaster. After all, it was level, moisture-guarding and tasty.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Every year that I watch the Grammy Awards, I hope that SOY BOMB comes out and moves around to try and help out.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“One of the scariest things is when people talk in upside-down face. Especially if they're smiling a lot, looking like a real-life Ziggy. Game over; you're scary.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Without bothering Robin Williams, where may I purchase the substance known as Flubber?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My cat has exposed her dog friend to the wonders of drinking toilet bowl water. Guess that I leave the seat up occasionally.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Just talk to da hand 'cause the face don't give a damn!" - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When the O.J. Simpson trial was going on, there was a thick plastic POG slammer that had his headshot with the saying "OJ IN THE SLAMMER".. It worked well.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“He-Man and She-Ra episodes have similar plots as one another. Sometimes to the point that I end up calling them He-Ra, Man-She, and/or Sun Ra.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Calling someone a 'young Brett Butler' might not be considered as complimentary as one could imagine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"And then it's possible to talk to someone without any lies. With no sarcasms, no deceptions, no exaggerations, or any of the other things people use to confuse the truth... Like this movie." - Powder

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"You so crazy.. I think I wanna have your baby." - Spock

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight toker.. I'm a waker, I'm a baker, I'm a midnight quaker." - Steve Miller

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I don't beg cause I'm not a Begonia, I dress warm so that I won't catch Pneumonia.. My rhymes are stronger than Ammonia, I'm a Diamond; you're a Cubic Zirconia." - Smooth B

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Num Lock and Scroll Lock on full-sized keyboards are about as outdated as considering Matlock and Lock 'N' Chase modern-day spectacles in year 2500.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tim Allen has kicked my ass and unfriended me for my previous post..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd always thought that the Home Improvement theme song was a blatant rip-off of the Seinfeld theme.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Baby I can have whatever I like I like.. Yeah I want my body, I need my body. Long as I got me I won't need no body." - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The guy from Sega CD's 'Sewer Shark' needs to shut it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Wouldn't it be neat to have one of those 'truth collars' from Masters of the Universe? Or even a Gwildor?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've got a lovely bunch of poppycocks.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Congratulations to the 2013 Super Bowl champions The Baltimore Ravens. Have a great retirement, Daniel Day-Lewis!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's 2013 Puppy Bowl Prediction: Snoopy, Lassie and Beethoven will go on to defeat the team of Scooby Doo, Wishbone and Dagwood's Dog. Also, Janet Jackson will appear on stage with Beyoncé to expose her boobles.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's 2013 Super Bowl Prediction: I will be eating a lot of traditional vegetarian Mexican food. I win the Super Bowl! Also, Janet Jackson will appear on stage with Beyoncé to expose her boobles.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hardly do I drive an automobile. When I do, I make sure to honk the horn at people walking and then start waving to the other side of the street where nobody happens to be.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Math: PUSSY CAT - US CAT = PSY”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I'll never let you go, burrito. Even for a nacho, oh no, just burrito. Just one genie wish, I'd skip the weenie dish; It would be for a burrito." - Gallagher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Fine's, Fine's, every Larry Fine's. Mocking bout the Queenery, making pie bind. Do this! Don't do that! Can't you plead the Fine?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I bring up The Del Rubio Triplets all the time in conversation to help explain or compare something.. I have come to find out that many people have no idea who The Del Rubio Triplets were.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Whatever happened to Gilbert Brown Peanut Butter?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"You juice your fucking friends like Dracula, but when we kick you out you're just Brokula." - 311

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Well, it's Phil Collins' 62nd birthday today. Every year on his birthday, I have a double dose of his '12"ers' album, which is basically the extended club mixes to some of his hits.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“One of the best television shows that never existed was titled 'Kevin McHale's Navy'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hello, my cat said that she'd give up killing birds and small rodents if this can get 1 million likes! Thanks everyone in advance!!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“They're Mango Crèmes. Are we supposed to pronounce that 'Creams' or as it reads? That would be like calling Daddy Yankee 'Daddy Sausage'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Squiggy Squiggy Squiggy can't you see? Sometimes your words just Squignotize me. And I just love your greasy ways. Guess that's why yous joke and you're so suede.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I think it's logical to consider someone that quietly goes 'woof woof, bow wow' into a dog's ear a dog whisperer.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Why are all of the Cassmark sites themed in the color green? I bet Jim bathes in chlorophyll. Know what sounds nommy? A chlorophyll burrito!" - Gallagher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Whenever I try singing Yankee Doodle Dandy, I always mess it up, resulting in Y.D.D. sticking a feather in his macaroni ass.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Caramel deLites tasted way better when they were named Samoas. They'll always be Samoas in my heart. And in my mouth.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The lady in which Neil Young had written 'Like a Hurricane' about had told me that the Cassmark 'Squelch EP' lyrics were "..really great." She'd passed away in 2011. I'm always humbled by any given support.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm not yet sure what it's all about.. Still, I made my presence there! Whomever is a member of the so-called 'New MySpace' should connect with Cassmark's page!! https://new.myspace.com/cassmarkrock”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“On the last day of my 3rd grade class, our teacher made us write down what we thought we were going to become as adults.. My well thought out choice was a baseball player for the MLB. I was right.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm almost as sure as Cher that if the Empire Carpet Man were still alive today, he'd be a Cassmark promoter!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm not dreaming in color, I'm dreaming in Color Me Badd!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I don't have a problem with Krang's appearance.. However, his robot body is just disgusting!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I felt that I was going to win the 'Breakfast with Bellini Contest' when it'd taken place.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The body. I wash. The body. With butternut squash. The mind. I find. The mind. Larry Fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You must have your reasons for asking.. My name's Bond. Gold Bond.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The name's Bond. Johnny Bond.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Don't give me coffee. Unless you'd like me to build you a speed boat or a jet ski or something in record time. And then race it against the freshwater marlins.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Connect to the Cassmark blogs!! http://cassmark.blogspot.com & http://cassmarkrock.tumblr.com”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It'd only be fair if the people that got in the 'Cash Cab' that didn't want to participate in the game would still get a ride to their destination for the given fare.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Frankenstein is a book and a movie about a doctor named Victor Frankenstein and a monster named monster.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My definition of priceless rests somewhere in Mike Myers' face as Kanye West gave his Hurricane Katrina rant on live television.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There's a John Legend on every map; If you follow him, you will be lost no more.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd purchased 2Pac's 'R U Still Down? (Remember Me)' double-disc CD from Walmart when it was released in 1997. I was in disbelief as I played it.. I'd bought a censored disc in which all the curse words were beeped out! Especially on a Pac album..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Susan Boyle : Singing :: Gallagher : Burrito (nom nom)”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's high school senior year prediction: 'Most likely to become a semantic sassypants in a one-chick rock engine.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“With all of the movie remakes that have been coming out, I'm counting on the industry to remake King Ralph soon!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“To all my pals who said we'd never know his name.. Almost a decade later, Steve Bartman is a staple in my vocabulary.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In a lot cases while writing, I find myself not putting punctuation marks inside used apostrophe marks.. I just don't prefer it. Though not technically proper, it just flows better to me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd just seen somebody write 'I just got a mini'.. I think by using the word 'mini' that he was intending to use the word 'semi'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“(Circa 2013) I've listened to Lou Reed's 'Metal Machine Music' from start to end a handful of times. Twice with headphones.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"THUG. Tacos Huevos Uchepos Guacamole." - Gallagher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"THUG. The Hippest Uberhandsome Geraldo." - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"You idiot! I didn't say that I needed more violence.. I said that I needed more violins!" - Yo-Yo Ma

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've just got done translating Joe Satriani's guitar parts from 'Summer Song' into English, and they say "Jimmy, there's a Joey that loves you. And that Joey is me."”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes I call the dish soap 'Jax' and call the Mortal Kombat 2 character 'Ajax'.. Yeah, it gets confusing up in here.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Once you taste the flavor, then you get the fever, then you've got the fever for the flavor of a Pringle!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Once when Bill Cosby was on Letterman, he'd brought his pen collection and conversed about it. Ever since, I've been interested in nice-writing pens, and carry at least one with me everywhere.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“They thought I'd ordered a Double-Decker.. I was really asking for a double-Becker. With extra Danson.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Somehow, some way, Al Bundy has yet again missed another airing of Hondo.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Oh Larry, you're so Fine, you're so Fine you blow my mind, hey Larry, hey Larry.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Captain Kangaroo had a frontal pouch that he kept his offspring in.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“George Washington Carver even conceived Mr. Peanut.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The first vivid memories of a music video that I recollect land upon Starship's "Sara".”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Who the bear? Pooh the Bear.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cavemen invented the crayon a long time ago.. But they'd only come up with the white color crayon.. When they'd attempted to use it on their white sheetrockpaper, it never shown.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“She get down on her knees and hug me, like she loves me like The Rock. She rocks me like Dwayne Johnson Rock, and loves me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You can call something a 'fallacy' and actually be calling it a 'phallus sea'..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Skidda marinky dinky dink, skidda marinky doo, I love Honey Boo Boo.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Larry Fine there is a barber showing photographs, of every head he's had the pleasure to have known, and all the people such as Curly Joe, stop and say "hey, Moe."”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I wonder if you could mentor a Furby to eat a Beanie Baby..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The BASIC programming language was released after several years of failure under it's first known protocol 'BALSAMIC'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I wanna sax you up." - Kenny G

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hold the relish and just a minnow, you mean to tell me that not everyone occasionally blasts Frogstomp while 'rowing the boat'?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“John McGivern happens to be really good at ice skating. Even Dan Jansen was impressed!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Q&A with Jim - Q: Are you Sting Ray? Are you Nick Ray? Are you Jimmy Ray? A: Who wants to know? Who wants to know?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My New Year's Resolution is to stop using Shift+Insert/Shift+Delete to copy/paste things as much and start using Control+C/Control+V in their place.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"No, I will not tune your guitars for you, but I will tuna fish delight supper!" - Shit Jim's Cat says

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': Edgar Winter's original name for the instrumental hit "Frankenstein" was "Larry Fine"?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you say Beetlejuice three times, he's going to appear before you. If you say Beetlejuice twelve times, all the Michael Keaton characters from 'Multiplicity' will be there.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That Zorro created the Zest soap logo with his sword?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I like the Wizard of Oz. I like the Tin Man." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Instead of my normal holiday decorations around the abode, I decided to change it up by decorating with all things Willie Nelson.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"BFC up in this mix. Let me mince up this onion and show you what being sassy is all about!" - Barefoot Contessa

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Who's the buffoony that spelled my name 'Gnome'?" - Noam Chomsky

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I saw L. Fine, and he opened up my eyes. I saw L. Fine. No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jumanji board games really work now! Good thing they come with a virtual Robin Williams widget.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hardly ever do I watch TV anymore, but I still turn it on every now and again. Wow.. Fran Drescher was on two television stations at the same time!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Check one two. Test. One two check one two. Burrito nom nom." - Gallagher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Waiting for tonight, oh. When Zima be here in my mouth. Waiting for tonight, oh. I've dreamed of this Lovejoy DVD for so long." - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's all part of my rock and roll manatee. It's all part of my rock and roll stream.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"For due tea and Hugh Manatee!" - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The first time I'd seen the 'Somebody that I Used to Know' video, I could not stop thinking that Gotye was Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"All I wanna do is have some pun, I got a feeling I'm not the only one." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I was dreaming inside a dream, and in it I was dreaming. Then I fell asleep inside that.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It would be nice if my guitar strings, once old and worn out, would magically and majestically turn into tasty tasty green beans. It's only happened once though..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've got to admit it's getting better, a little better all the time. I have to admit it's getting better, it's getting better since Larry Fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Climbed a tree, danced the sea, hugged for free, drank some tea, bumbly bee, played Uncle Wiggily." - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Remember when NFL-retiree Bob Golic played Mike on 'Saved By the Bell: The College Years'? That was cool.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassavelli in this glitch, Killuminati all through Rod Roddy. The show's like a twelve day potty.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The sound machine that Jim uses for computer sound and music listening is the Panasonic RX-DT680.. His is in superb condition after 20 years of use! Cassmark's 'The 486SX EP' instrumental music was initially mixed with it! Coming summer/fall 2013!!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“All I really know about the Teletubbies is that there's a baby in the sun, and I love that baby sun.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Dear Santa, I would like a blue-footed booby this year. I've been a really good boy and promise not to take Donner on a joyride again. Love, the good boy, Jim.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Whenever I say the name Joe DiMaggio, I say it exactly as John Fogerty sings it in 'Centerfield'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Now come on, what was I supposed to do? He was out of town, and his two friends were sooo Larry Fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hey Kevin, the show we'd both recalled vaguely was named 'Perfect Strangers'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When it all came down on that Saturday night, should I choose a side of Larry Fine? Can he still say he's civilized, watched some hit thrown down.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I'm gonna Slaughter you! I'm gonna Mark Slaughter you!" - Jim of Cassmark (playing basketball)

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Go cheese lightning, you're burning up the Porter vial! Go cheese lightning, you're toasting through the heat lamp aisle!" - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim has been growing his hair for over 5 years now.. I declare his domemop a National Treasure!" - Louie Anderson (Circa 2012)

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Just to make sure there's no confusion, I am not related to anyone from the Frangelico liqueur company. Nor am I one of the Frangela sisters.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Charles Durkee tried my Tofurkey, he said it looked murky. I told him not to act a jerky. He tasted it and said 'Nommy om nom do I feel quirky!'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“T.I. has a new kid's cuisine on the market.. He's named them Trappy Meals!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim just took the 'Celebrity Lookalike Quiz' and got these results - 'Looks like: Jim of Cassmark (72%) and Sasquatch Mask 2008 Edition (91%).'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Ooh, you come out of a dream, peaches and cream, lips like strawberry wine, you're sixty, you're beautiful and you're Larry Fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': The game 'Zombies Ate My Neighbors' was named so by wordplay of the game 'Commander Keen Episode VI: Aliens Ate My Babysitter!'?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Billy back - baby back - Billy back - baby back.. Billy's, baby back bibs. Billy's baby back bibs (bugaboo blouse).. I want my baby back bibs!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I was really young, I believed that old films and shows were in black and white because life back then was in black and white; you know, like color was just created for life sometime in the mid-twentieth century. Eventually, I realized it was just the film that wasn't in color, and it kind of pissed me off.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Benjamin Franklin also had a vegetarian diet. This leads me to my next point - I hope that I never look like Benjamin Franklin.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Once my mom, my friends and I were at a Mighty Mighty Bosstones concert, and Dicky Barrett hit on my mom while he was grabbing a drink. She told us some strange guy was hitting on her until she saw Dicky up on stage and did the math.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Telling kids not to swear but instead to use insults like 'diaper face' might still get them into trouble!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd created my first website in 1997 on FortuneCity.. Surprise, it was about music and called 'PZone's Alternative Nation'. I believe it to be long gone from the web!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Why wasn't there 'Do the Potty Dance' when I was a toddler? That's okay, because it's also suitable for giant babies!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“About 2 out of every 5 times that I'm in a supermarket, 'Walking in Memphis' comes on over their soundsystem.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If your blankets and bed were made out of bread, well, you'd be a sandwich, and I'd eat you.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"My body is a wonderland, my body is a wonderland, my body is a wonderland, my body is a wonderland." - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I long for you; Luc Longley, that is.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“People thinks I'm crazy 'cause I bike it all year long, and peoples think I'm crazy 'cause I do it in a thong, some people think I'm crazy 'cause I know both Cheech and Chong, well they're not right and they're not wrong, I'm probably only writing a song, cruising off to Billabong!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim," she said, "Inhale.. Now envision Dick Dale, a navigating whale, Dave Thomas that set sail.." Thank you my hair bud, we watched some Air Bud, it was Miss Crystal Gayle, "exhale."

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A message from TacoBaby: "Neigh, neigh, gallop, dollop, trot trot, scallop. I'm a horse that codes Morse."”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A Day in the Life... of Jim: 11/12/2095: It's '95, and Jim's still going for the hive!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“As a child, I was scared to tears of the Phil Collins video for 'In the Air Tonight', especially when his face changed different colors.. Likewise, my dad was afraid of the Wicked Witch of the West from 'The Wizard of Oz'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I only eat the green ketchup. I only drink the Crystal Clear Pepsi. I do what I want." - Sweety Diamond Joe Molasses

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim, let me get this straight, you can fit two En Vogue albums in your phone but not have room for my half burrito in there?" - Gallagher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tit probably has something to do with Murphy's Law whenever I come across Murphy Brown.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"How I love The Four Tops.. I'll pee there, to love and comfort you." - Shit Jim's Cat says

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I saw Larry Fine today.. Spotted him at Larry's Oil re-Fine-ry!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"If you tend to get X Pac and 2Pac mixed up, you might be a redneck." - Jeff Foxworthy

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"It's not woah, it's WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!" - Joey Lawrence

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Doctor, it's seems pretty serious this time.. I think I've come down with the Oingo Boingo." - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The best basketball players I've ever created in a basketball video game would have to be Powder (from the movie) and Tony Danza.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Chris Cayton, I called you Satan, cuz when we went skating, you would make the metal sign.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Singing the blues when the Red Sox lose; it’s a crisis in your life. On the run 'cause all your girlfriends wanna be your wife. And the laundry ticket’s in the wash. Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Let's all see what magical games we can play! We can change into anything with our pals Pokey, Prickle and Goo. We will walk through the wall if we wants to!" - Jimby

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Clay pigeon, Clay Aiken, ClayFighter. Oh, the wonders of clay mache!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“This is a haiku, for Richard Petty the Great, loving jackalopes.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I can sing Morrissey's 'Southpaw Grammar' album in it's entirety. Beat that, Morrissey!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I recommend you walk around naked in my living room.. And I certainly do!" - Jim of Cassmark to Alanis Morissette

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Thought I was buying Oil of Olay for my face. I actually bought some Oil of Oleo. Nastay!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd like to change my name to Music so that when people say to me 'So, are you a musician?', I can say, 'No. I am Music.'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Today's Secret Word is 'Zyzzybalubah'. Whenever you hear the word 'Zyzzbalubah', scream real loud! Zyzzybalubah.. Woot! Skeet! Hootie!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Did you know?': That even in the middle of the night, the jar of tahini in the refrigerator is not the jar of peanut butter in the pantry?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I don't know how else to say it.. Even if you Vivaciously Ostracize Thee Electees, Vehemently Opinionize The Exercise!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'It was almost a slam dunk!'.. What does this mean? Was it a powerful layup? What's going on?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“While heading in and out of commercial breaks, I sometimes catch David Letterman's Late Night Band covering the King's X song "We Were Born to Be Loved". Always surprises me to hear a song pop up like that.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you perform a babality on me, I'm just gonna remind you of that computer animated dancing baby from the '90s.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm still not sure if the boy belongs to Monica or to Brandy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I had to pay a fine. Yes, it was a Larry Fine. That was only three easy payments of eye poking and head bopping!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Alice Cooper's album covers between 1982 and 1994 are just the greatest!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Nowadays, most roofers blast the pop/house music stations and not the classic rock ones.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Dolph Lundgren could think a hole through the wall with a telephone call to Lucille Ball.. Don't stall, he's 8 feet tall and on his way to the mall!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“No one on Gilligan's Island should've had a change of clothes or a suitcase if they were only planning on going on "A 3 hour tour (a 3 hour tour)".”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Fax me some halibut.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes when I watch Univision, I really wish that I was fluent in Spanish.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I would have to consider being able to think in Gilbert Gottfried's voice a fairly useless skill.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I know my calculus; It says U + Me = Us. I know my Malkmus; Señor plays 5 - 4 = Unity.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Lincoln, Linkin, I've been thinkin', what the Kel have you been drinkin'? Is it Whiskas? Is it brine? Oh, iPod, it's Larry Fine!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I've been known to sell tracings of my feet as topographical maps of Peru!" - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hey, Tori Spelling. What are you spelling? Ja ja on my ta ta.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm a daydream believer that Chubby Checker is synonymous to Fats Domino.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It was just a Danson-Hanson-Manson-dancin'-glancin'-romancin' time at the senior bingo hall!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“For people that eat at McDonald's: If you happen to ever find a Chicken McNugget that looks like Toby Keith, resist from eating it!! They're worth mega bucks!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Diggin' the scene, diggin' on you, diggin' on me, baby baby ooh baby baby. It's on like that (it's on like that), I gotta be a dove or somethin' like that." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd say I'm a pretty good magician; I've made both David Copperfield and Criss Angel disappear from my television screen with a remote controller.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“06/13/1995: "A Day in the Life.. of Jim.." - A lad Jim was using a walkie talkie around his school neighborhood. While passing a house, it'd intercepted a baby monitor, and Jim had heard a mother singing the Hellmann's Dijonnaise song to her newborn. Needless to say, Jim hit the talk button on the talkie and harmonized her.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Right foot 2 stomps, left foot 2 stomps. Slide to the left, slide to the right. Crisscross, crisscross. Cha cha real smooth.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Don't be fooled by the locks that I got. I'm still, I'm still Jimmy from the block.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The only way that Scatman John's "I'm the Scatman" song/video could have been any cooler would've been if he was saying "I'm the Catman".”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hey mommy mommy, hey daddy daddy, buckle me into my safety seat, my safety seat. Watching the world from my safety seat!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark, sponsored in full by: Louie Anderson.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"My life's like a fairy tale, Orca was a great big whale, I knew a fat girl who broke the scale, you won't tell, I won't tell." - Greg Nice

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If people started watching shows based on their theme songs, then nobody would've ever seen The King of Queens.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I bet that one of the founders of Barnes & Noble was a member of Barnes & Barnes.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If a dog that I am around or even petting starts barking at me, I start meowing like a cat at first, forgetting that a cat is not the same thing as a dog.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jon Bon Jovi, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Billy Baloney, Late Uncle Tony, Chachi and Joanie and Mony Mony: You've all been selected to enter our special raffle to win some Rice-A-Roni, My Little Pony and a Zamboni!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I dressed up as Honey Boo Boo tonight for the Halloween contest. On an unrelated note, I was arrested for dressing up like Honey Boo Boo.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"The blind stares of a million pairs of eyes, lookin' hard but won't realize, that they will never see the J.o.C." - Bill Clinton

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've never had any confidence in my drawing abilities. In fact, the best thing I'd ever drawn was a Snoopy picture... But somehow, that even ended up looking like a mangled colorless Clifford.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Let's talk about Tex Avery, let's talk about Tunes Looney, let's talk about all the good things and the rad things; Bugs Bunny.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Sclemiel, Schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There's a ghost that lives in my apartment. It's all ball, because I'm pretty sure it's just Bill Cosby's Ghost Dad character.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A broham was wearing some huge ass JNCOs today in public. Another was wearing some Lee Pipes. There was a bird. I took pictures.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"For brunch, I ate The Black Eyed Peas, Cake, Blind Melon, Meat Loaf, Phish, and Bread with Richard Cheese." - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I shuffle cards, I do the Curly Shuffle.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If Rob Schneider does not star in The Hot Chick 2 by 2015, there will be a universal rippling effect and/or quake.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If Rob Schneider is not in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame by 2015, there will be a worldwide outrage.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I'd heard the newly released and censored version of Eminem's "My Name Is", and he asked "Hi kids, do you like Primus?"... I was like Yeah.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm trying to find a legal loophole that would allow Honey Boo Boo's mother to be exiled indefinitely from the planet.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“(Circa 2010) Thinking my baby cat was a male for the first three weeks, I'd named it Reggie after Reggie Miller the Great. However, twas soon realized that my cat was female! I'd almost renamed her Cheryl Miller the Great, but instead named her Regina the Queena.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Come on shake your body Jimmy, do the conga! I know you can't control yourself any longer!" - Gloria Estefan (prepping Jim for a dance attack)

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My entire weekday sleep schedule is based around the fact that TBS plays 'Married... with Children' episodes in the wee early morning.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Lovey all the time, I'll makey da Jim banana pancakes." - Jack Johnson

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim despises racism and racist people more than anything. He does not tolerate it. Want to see Jim irate? (..and you don't..) Just place a loudmouth racist person next to him.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“As far as elementary yearbook pictures go, 3 of mine happen to situate me sporting Chicago Bulls t-shirts. Damn right.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Leprechaun 5 & 6 (respectively): In tha Hood & Back 2 tha Hood'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Leprechaun 4: In Space'”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Whoa, just a minute... I am Worthy!!!" - James Worthy

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I'm not Worthy!!" - James Worthy

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Hallo Jim, I'mma just here again, pokin' my heady in to say howdee onto youuu!" - Chris Gaines

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Near, far, wherever Babar, I believe that the art does go on.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I just declined joining a One Direction cover group named Fun Erection.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In a town next to mine, it is illegal to wake a fireman on duty while he/she is asleep.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Yes, Jim really recorded the upcoming Cassmark album 'The 486SX EP' on an actual 486SX processor.. Jim always wondered what it would be like to record sound at the speed of light!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Anyone have a spare copy of 1996's 'Eddie' starring Whoopi Goldberg?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Someone thought I was Jesse Camp the other day. I affirmed and signed an autograph.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Nasty diseases such as Monkeypox should not have names such as Monkeypox. That's a happy word.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Nobody puts Baby in a corner.. Jim can't dance in a corner, ya know." - Paul Shaffer

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I fed Don Rickles pickles. He trickles nickels while he sickles tickles.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Nacho nacho pan, I'm gonna eat a nacho van. Gazpacho nacho van. I'm gonna eat gaznacho!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Unflake pie tart, say you'll glove apple pan, undo this quart you thawed when you stalked out the core, and carved with butter knife.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I was given a CAT scan which revealed my head to be the map of Legends of the Hidden Temple!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark = Int(Rnd(1) * 101 Dalmatians) + 1; Next Cassmark”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"¡Pancho es guano loco!" - Juan Dawg

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Drew Barrymore believes that the word combination 'cellar door' is the most beautiful of all the words; Geraldo Rivera believes 'cheesy wine time' to be so.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I feel as if Justin Timberlake needs a sweet smooth nickname, like Juju Timba.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I'm a toner, Scottie; a treble." - Jim of Cassmark (to Scottie Pippen)

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“This is the old dude Harry J. Reynolds, and you're glistening to Jim of Cassmark.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I am the one that introduced Uncle Kracker to Aunt Jemima, and now he's in love.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My cat loves Led Zeppelin! I'm guessing it's the scent of John Paul Jones.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Did you know that 'Axl Rose' is an anagram of 'oral sex'? Yeah, kind of like how 'Jim of Cassmark' is derived from 'ma firm jock ass'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When people start whistling 'The Fishin' Hole' around me, I just start feeding them a whole lotta Andy Griffith factoids.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Patience is a vulture." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“A V.I.P... not in the club. A V.I.P... while in the tub.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If anyone sees Graham Nash around, please remind him that he owes me $8.50. He ordered the most expensive thing on the menu.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Shit, it's Monday? I thought it was February." - Steve Miller

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“666... A sign of the bunco.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Save big money at my nards!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My my, hey hey - a VHS of The Frugal Gourmet!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Some people prefer large bills for varying reasons... Some, small bills; I prefer Billy Blanks.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I can believe it's not butter! Actually, it's a porpoise.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“And then an angelic Christopher Lloyd flew into the stadium, picked up Wade Boggs by the armpits at third base and proceeded to help him dance the Apache (Jump on It).”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Animal crackers in my soup, crunkies and Kravitz loop the loop, gosh oh gee what I have done, swallowing Sea-Monkeys one by one." - Shirley Temple

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Whenever I bring up Kenny Chesney in conversation, I initially and accidentally call him Chucky Chesney.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Don't start to fritter, give me a titter!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“For me, Honey Boo Boo has a whole different meaning these days. When I was 24, I used to say, "Mommy, I've got a honey boo boo" when bees would sting me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Fanta, Fanta, don't you wanta? No.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I'm Mike Jones! I'm Mike Jones!" - I Forgot

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“My favorite poem that I've ever penned was 'The Dodo Bird That Grew from My Belly'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Q&A with Geraldo Rivera - Q: Hello sir, what is your favorite kind of Jello? A: Jim Frangelo.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Q&A with Jim - Q: What is your favorite kind of cheese? A: Ray Romano.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“For Halloween this year, I think I'm gonna go as the giant baby from Zombies Ate My Neighbors.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I rememberry when Master P played for the Charlotte Hornets a game or two.. Probably scrimmage at that.. It was weird, meem!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I've come up with 17 different ways to properly perform the Electric Slide! Marcia Griffiths, you're a bodsend!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I can do the splits. No, really. But I'd probably end up in the emergency room and be crying profusely, telling you how mean it was to egg me on in the first place to do those splits.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Shampoo! There's shampoo on my body everywhere! Sometimes I'm even clothed! I'm the shampoo Xanadu!! Conditioner, you're invited (I suppose) :(”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“This is the fourth e-mail I've received telling me that Paula Cole is coming to town.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“This is the third e-mail I've received telling me that Paula Cole is coming to town.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim; queen of the mondegreen, the freakshow scene, the birdie preen, edamame bean, Commander Keen and the heartthrob tween. Love ya, Gene." - Gene Wilder

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's so much easier for me to read texts in Wingdings font.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Straight up, people that have never even met me approach me and instinctively call me Choo-Choo.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“All through the day.. Larry Fine, I me mine, Larry Fine. All through the night.. Larry Fine, April Wine, I me mine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Mr. Cowell, how many dicks does it take to get to the footsie pole center of your footsie flops? "Let's find out! A one, a two-hoo, a three! A three."”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Easies breezies through the treesies makey me pleasies." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I don't want any Buddy Elf, and when I think about you I touch my shelf, I don't want any ruddy Ralph. Oh no, oh no, oh no." - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Take all the things that irk you and let them Steve Urkel you; then, perhaps you'd quit your whining!" - Carl Winslow

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“As a 13-year old, I'd made a promise to myself: Never get a tattoo. Unless, of course, it were the chest-sized face of Jimi Hendrix or Billy Corgan.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Oh. How rude! I thought DTF stood for 'Do the Fandango'.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Corey Feldman, my cat Regina and I have pulled off the dream-sharing hypnosis like that in 'A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors'!!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Now there's a look in your eyes, like an oatmeal creme pie. Shine on you crazy King Diamond.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Enough's enough. By damn it, I'm running for Vice President!" - Paul Reiser

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Give me tool, give me pliers, give me cat which I rewire, ooh! SHHHAH!" - James Hetfield

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes I reminisce to my childhood by putting on a diaper, my training bra and Janet Jackson's 'Design of a Decade' cassette.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I used to convince people that John Stamos was the singer of the 'Full House' theme song.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Baby I'm ablaze at the pay above me all the time, maybe I'm uh frayed of the way I shoved you, baby I'm astray by the way you called me out of line, named me Larry Fine, maybe I'm ashamed for the way I really G'd you.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Utopia (n.) - a place/time where the only thing needed to successfully survive and thrive is Sriracha Rooster Sauce.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I use my keyboard like I use my pee sword.. To type and dance!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge spread out amongst their FACE.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Mommy, I just had a nightmare about the lady in the Lipozene commercials.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Modern day wireless technology is missing something that could make it even better. And that's the connection sound of the 14.4k dial-up modem.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Benjamin Franklin, fill the sky. There's no need to wonder why. Kite of lightning, key lime pie. My, oh my, that Benny's wry.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The word 'desserts' backwards is 'stressed'. That's right, baby. And, also, you can rearrange the word 'beauty' into 'buy tea' and 'eat yub'!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I've been on the shit for over 20 years... and look at meeeee now! Thanks, Ultra Slim Fast!" - Tommy Lasorda

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

" Wink ;) " - Phil Donahue

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I was like "Aw yeah, I love Little Bunny Foo Foo!!", and they were actually talking about baby Honey Boo Boo. Yeah, they'd got the Boo Boo part correct.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd probably stop nagging if I could just Animorph into Altered Beast.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark's in progress 'The 486SX EP' was almost named '12 Inches of Snow' instead. Luckily, Canadian rapper Snow had already used that album name..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Wish that I still had the Sniffin' Dog Ears albums, they were cool pimp dudes.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There's nothing quite as Larry as a Larry Fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“There's nothing quite as fine as a Larry Fine.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I was a wee tinky laddy, I'd thought the word 'horny' meant full of horns. And that is why I thought the phrase 'borny horny' existed.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It is not wise IMHO to substitute 5 lbs. of margarine with 5 lbs. of marjoram!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I wear my Sun Chips bag at night." - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I wear my sundial at night." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Though it's a fine & catchy number, and, yes, it was made in the 70's, I'm not sure how the Grease theme song made any sense in being so.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Four Skor and seven beers ago our fathers brought forth on this TV set, a new station, conceived in giggity, and syndicated to the superstition that all men are failed Beagles.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Did you know that 90% of our dreams subconsciously involve Robin Williams? Fact.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Damn auto erect, it just erected my entire sentinel.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If anybody that was named Robert as a baby was instead named Robot, their life would probably be a lot different.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“08/06/1989: "A Day in the Life.. of Jim.." - A young hung Jim had met Bob Denver at the beach. Yes, Bob was really in his Gilligan attire.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I kick the ball because it looked at me and called me precious." - Trog the County Punter

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Pimp juice - ooh-ooh-hoo. I think I need to let it loose. Let her loose, let her loooooose. She only want me for my pimp juice.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Supdate: Jim is still busy with lyrics and melodies for 'The 486SX EP'.. which include the 6 upcoming hit songs "Beleaguered Bob Barker", "Lank & Loopy", "Fleer Ultra", "Kumbya", "Janus", and "Kincaid's Great Escape"!!!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“In today's headlines: "Cop sees the moon, calls for backup"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Did you ever try calling Jenny at phone number 867-5309? And, if prompted to answer who you are, suggest that you are Tommy Tutone?? Because it's fun. Really fun.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Did you ever try singing Tommy Tutone's 'Jenny (867-5309)' while replacing those digits with your own phone number?? Because it's fun. Really fun.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I was wrong. I'd thought that the 'LOVE PINK' line from Victoria's Secret was in reference to either breast cancer awareness or to the singer Pink. Oh well, I'll just have to return those yoga bottoms.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Brenda, Sara, Bruce and Spike are siblings of mine." - Geddy Lee

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"No, no! I was talking to Jim. She said: 'Don't tou- anybody touch this is my stuff.' And I said 'You fucking die' like that. I was finishing her part for her. You know what I mean?" - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Well, Rodriguez has a broken leg, Mary has typhoid fever, Paco was bitten by a snake, I'd lost an axle and the oxen had taken the wrong path in Nebraska. Noooooooooo!!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim officially turned 28 today! Woohootie! Now, he knows he's still one year younger than her at the time, but Jim feels just like Gwen Stefani did when she was helping write No Doubt's Return of Saturn album!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“But I would walk around 5 miles, and I would walk about 5 more. Just to be the man who walked approx 10 miles to visit Pauly Shore.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim has been contracted to be the next celebrity spokesmodel alongside Cindy Crawford for the product Meaningful Beauty! Although he's never used the product, Jim has the smooth facial skin of baby ass.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Koko the ape, I fed her a grape, I fed her some drape, I fed her my tape, and signed her a peace sign. Frisky lil rilla.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I need more allowance Yodelayheehoo, I need more allowance Yodelayheehoo, I need more allowance Yodelayheehoo. Why? Because I do!" - The Beets

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I thought I was a human. No, I'm just a cakey boy!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“When I eat, I do prefer to be watching the TV show Becker.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It was ninety years ago today, Sergeant S. taught the mang to play. He's been eating lots of veg with guile, but he's guaranteed to act a Gomer Pyle. So may I improvise to you the Cass you've known for all these years.. Sergeant Slaughter's Homeboy Art Club Mang.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Supdate: Cassmark's 'The 486SX EP' is coming along ricely! 6 songs, lots of rock! Jim's busy finishing the music while starting to write some lyrics. Expected to be complete by Summer 2013!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Q&A with Jim - Q: What is the first rule of Fight Club? A: Bring a homemade baked good for everyone. Oh, and make sure to bring extras for the hungry buddies.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I teleport when Raiden fails me, I telephone when Raiden e-mails me." - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Rob, sit still! I'm trying to get the crumbs out of your beard! I don't want you roaming around looking like a crumb bum!" - Jim with Rob Zombie (at the dinner table)

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Make your best effort + Use polite manners, be friendly + Solve problems with words + Instruments and books deserve respect + Carefully follow directions the first time = MUSIC!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd went on my first roller coaster ride today. Be proud mom, for I'm only almost 28!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“YOLO is the new yogurt that JLo has invested in. So many people are randomly bringing it up. Way to go, JLo! Currently, there's Booty Blueberry and Raspberry Rump. ”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I think what that means is that my cellphone has the strength of 4 Gangstas in it." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"They say that you are what you eat. However, I don't remember having a McUgly on the menu." - Ronald McDonald

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“K.D. Lang, I'm not speakin' slang, you're wanted in Wu Tang.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Said I'd like to know where you got the notion, that I was gonna introduce you to Billy Ocean?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I cannot tell a lie, I'm a really pretty guy." - George Washington, American President

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Periwinkle party poppin', pushup pushpop pinky ploppin', picky pocky Ponderosa, piper Pippi por Pyrosa.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I want to take a moment to appreciate and call out: Tinkytots, Nettypots, Tittylots, Iddyotts, Reggiewatts, Polkadots, Lovemenots, Pullupshots, and Cranberry Relish.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Don't let the green grass fool you, the bastards grind you down, me down, the sun go down on me, nor go the coat!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Okay, so you're Brad Pitt? That don't impress me much. So, you got the looks, but have you got the touch?? Now don't get me wrong; yeah, I think you're alright.. But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You've got ta be for real or you got to Beefaroni.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"No, my first name ain't Baby. It's Janet; Miss Jackson if you're nasty." - Alan Jackson

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Take me home tonight. Listen honey, just like Jimmy sang, "Be my little Dennis Eckersley".”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Mr. Ed, you were a lucky horse; you got to eat peanut butters all day.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You're a butterfly in the wind without a care. A pretty train crash to me and I can't care. I do. I don't. Whatever.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Stupid ace, challenging me to a dance off? What in Rod's name were you even thinking? Use some common sense, and team up with some fluidity!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my plumber, so call him, maybe?”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Lost: 'Chingy' - $1,400 reward if found and captured alive”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I suppose that I am sort of a juggalo. If by juggalo you mean jiggalo. If by jiggalo you mean bugaboo." - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Houston, this is NASA Jim, I just wanted to let you know that I have discovered a building here, and it has a seven and two ones painted on an electric sign. NASA Jim out." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Today and out of nowhere, my friend gave me a book titled "1,001 Things You Always Wanted to Know About Cats." Now that is what I call a good friend! Expect some pussy trivia.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hello coffee, my old friend. I've come to roast with you again. Because a pot softly dripping left its seeds while I was sipping. And the vision that was planted in a stain, still remains. Within the sound of a t-shirt.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“No, Officer, I did not say that the suspect looked like Uncle Easter. Lordy, Gordy, I said that he looked like Uncle Fester!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Once I looked at a headshot of Morgan Freeman for so long that I saw the body of Australia within his outlining.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Once I looked at a map of Australia for so long that I saw the face of Morgan Freeman within its outlining.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Q&A with Jim - Q: How many dicks do you have? A: Seven, guess I'm lucky. One for every day of the week. Shopping for panties is hard!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's time to go to dream land, where I help Batfink and Rat Fink mix the proper ingredients of fruits and veggies in Wiz 'n' Liz to become ultimate champions on Planet Pum!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“(Jim talking with Batman) "But did you know that when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd like to be, under some she, in a big old bosom garden in the shade. She'd let me in, knows where I've been, in her big ol' bosom garden in the shade.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“It's a sad story cause he's such a nice guy, hearing what they said about him makes me wanna cry, but I didn't think he'd listen but I thought at least he'd try, and the story stays a sour cause he's still a nice guy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“No, fashion is just trashin'; that's not my passion, for my passion rests in sound, crashin', and friends that are dashin'!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I love you always forever. Near or far, closer together. Everywhere I will be with you. Everything I will do for you, Danny Glover.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you happen to taste scents and also smell flavors, it is in my opini-onion that you may just be back asswards.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Last week, I cried because Vin Diesel was so scary.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If you want to eat with me, baby there's a price to pay, I'm a vegetarian model, you gotta grub me the right way.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The mind plays tricks on you. You play tricks back! It's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting...”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I threw a breadstick at Rocky Rococo, hit him in the head, and survived to tell about it.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Whoa, I think that there's Winnie Cooper in the Mini Cooper looking rather super duper.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“You have quite some donk that I would like to honk! Honk honk rattle rattle toot crash beep beep!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Shot through the food, and you're too food, you give food a bad food.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Let us pray: "Mekka Lekka Hi, Mekka Hiney Ho. Mekka Lekka Hi, Mekka Jonny Ho. Molla Mekka Holla Molla Hey!"”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“No, I did not say that I am fond of fondue. However, I did say that I have found our Flounder.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“No, I did not say that I fondle doo-doo. However, I did say that I am fond of fondue.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Trot around the yard, Jim Dandy, with that mane so beautiful. Roam around the yonder, love stud, and graze around the field for acorns.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Hush peeps! It's official. Jim's Professional Wrestling name is: 'Jimbo Jangles of Jerusalem, Jupiter'!!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Xavier McDaniel, you've got a friend in me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"My feet and my arms, they dance like alarms, my body's so flexible, it's truly been charmed." - Sergio Penis

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“If having a baby is like carrying a brick of cheese near your stomach, then having a baby is hard. Very very hard.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Make your lips curl; let them curl for me. Give me a challenge, set yourself free.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I have fallen and I really can't get up, damn it. That's okay, because the library book was years overdue anyways.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Like I said, cool James, I'm just livin' the dream cause I beat the hell out of my nightmares with a stick." - Local Moe Moe

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Just pretend it's cotton candy, bite my ass; don't be so randy!!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'm lost in the Spring Yard Zone, and all I have on me is a D battery, a bar of Irish Spring, a Susan B. Anthony coin and a Milo & Otis VHS.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I thought I'd heard my cellular phone ringing from the other room, but apparently it's nestled right between my breasts.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“R.I.P. Baby Beluga, you were a beast worth a thousand songs.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I burst out of my cocoon and slowly morph into a pheasant amongst dolphins in a land of anteaters and beavers. I am... young Ronny Howard.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Dingy dingy in my pants; dingy dingy in my pants no more.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“All of my techno dancing gets done in the proper place: the forest.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Sick my duck." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?" - Jerry Seinfeld

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"There's some real magical pee-pee juice up in herr." - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim, just recall that the Arch Deluxe was not built in one night." - Elvis

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Mr. McFeely lost all of his marbles to my steelie. Game over, bub, give me my mail, too.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I'm so smooth." - Butterbean

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's a natural ladies man; smooth as Butterbean.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I feel weird. Like when that one mermaid tried strangling me with her bra until Peter Pan rescued me.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!" - Gumby

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Jim's top 3 used words in vocabulary: 1) Doja 2) Danza 3) Wigglywank”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Nooooooo, I didn't suggest that you were on acid!! Jeez, I merely suggested that you were an asshead.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Sometimes when I go flying in the dark, I forget to turn my pigeon vision on and come close to running my ruff into things.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Q&A with Jim - Q: Jim, where did you get all of those funky fresh dance moves? Wowzas! A: Sears”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Q&A with Jim - Q: What are the scariest kind of bears? A: Those would be Berenstain Bears, on that real tip; mercy my.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Tacky high heels on the baby seals, they make me cry; I ponder why.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Q&A with Jim - Q: What is the greatest invention of all time? A: That would be the Arnold Soundboard, on the reals.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The Beverly Hills Cop theme has been playing all night at da club as I am dancing feverishly with Eddie Murphy.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I like Jim. I like to swim. Jim is my friend. The end." - Ramona Quimby, Age 8

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Little Tommy Tittlemouse lived in a little house; He caught fishes in other men's ditches.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Pretend your pets were a bag of Fritos. Now that ought to make you think twice about eating your pets again, Billy Crystal." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Red 40 Lake tastes sooooo good, yummay.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I'd accidentally bought a duplicate poster painting of some mountain goats. CrazySexyCool.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I've been through the desert on a horse with the name of TacoBaby, it felt good to be out of the land of Saggysogs." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I drink Boku whilst playing Sudoku in my Subaru." - Richard Lewis

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“I am the eggplant, they are the X-Men, I am the Sasquatch, goo goo g'joob g'goo goo g'joob.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Look Jim, I went in the potty this time!!" - Rosie O'Donnell

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"My milkshake brings all the girls to the yard and they're like, its better than yours. Damn right its better than yours." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Do I make any sense?? How about taking a look in my front middle pants pocket and pulling out ten pence? Hence it's immensely dense!!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Who that is? That's just my baby daddy. Who that is? That's just my baby dad." - Dave Coulier

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Choo-choo wubba-wubba woo-woo!" - Amerigo Vespucci

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I don't do drugs. However, I do do rugs, tugs, shrugs, hugs, bugs, and drugs." - Richard Simmons

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"ZZ Top taught me how to gaze at the stars, Mars, candy bars, nears and fars, pickle jars." - Jim of Cassmark duet w/ Frank Beard

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid. Tell me, Jimcess, now when did you last let your heart decide?" - Aladdin

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“'Cassmark Tip for Healthiness': Rub some Groom & Clean on that back of yours.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Oh Ring-A-Ding Double Fudge Dewey Decimal System.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"(-|====================8" - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Arrrrrgaaarrrrrbaaarrrrrdarrrrrrrrbbbb, I robot." - Jon Tron Jovi

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Little doggy dance and pee, romance a tree, set it free, wee wee wee wee wee wee wee.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I'm not a girl, not yet a woman." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I'm right here, fool! Woot woot." - John Denver

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"John Denver, where are you in the sky when I need you the most?" - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Upon Jim's neck lies some hair and a locket, residing is a nude dude pic of Davy Crockett.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I have PMS and a GPS, which means I'm a bitch who will find you." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark showing love to its newest sponsors: Team Baby Phat, Sega CD and Quaker Oatmeal Swirlers; Thanks a Milli Vanilli from Sweet Mama Jim!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“The difference between Jim and a horny toad?? One says ribbit ribbit while one says rub it rub it..”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark: Making cool a little bit more Coolio all the time!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"It's as if Jim and I were separated pre-birth." - Mr. Clean

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I wanna eat Jim's arm." - Kirstie Alley

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Like Tom Petty, y'all just petty." - Lil Wayne

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Shy gypsy, slyly spryly tryst by my crypt." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"This guy's a looner swooner crooner. (Picking up burrito) Nom nom nom." - Gallagher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“One two Jimmy's coming for you, three four better rock some more, five six get up in the mix, seven eight better set it straight, nine ten in Mr. Brady's den!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I play pogs for keeps, keepin' steady stackin' deep." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Warning: Cassmark may cause visions of Louie Anderson.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim's hair, it's everywhere, screaming high to low fidelities and taking it's wear." - Dashboard Confessional

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"James, you should consider investing heavily in sniffable bath salts and 'Zombies Ate My Neighbors'." - Donald Trump (Circa 2007)

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"No, I didn't have a sex change.. But I did have a sexy change." - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Congratulations to Jim of Cassmark for winning Gerber's "Adult Babyfood Eater of the Month" award! Way to go!!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Wakey wakey, Jim I'm nakey!" - Gene Simmons

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Look into my thighs and tell me what it is you see in me." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"CIA Double Secret-Agent Sir Rudy Fancypants, whose whereabouts are so plausibly deniable that they are even unknown to him. His mission.. uh, let's move along, shall we?" - Edna Grambo

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim, may I please have my $200K in jewelry back?" - Axl Rose

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"If Jim were a basketball card, he'd have to be a '92-'93 Fleer Ultra." - Clarence Weatherspoon

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"And the changes of no consequence will pick up the reins from nowhere." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I love the weather.. Yeah, the whether I should kick yo ass or not!" - Jackie Chan

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Paradiddle, Ish Kabibble, live like a Jimbo, don't double-dribble." - Woodsy Owl

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Cassmark creates fist-pumps, many many fist-pumps. And many many fist pumps create sweat, which produces water for the lakes of planet Earth!" - Jane Goodall

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim has a booty like that of Judge Judy." - Mills Lane

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Ready, Jim? I put my hand up on your hip, when I dip you dip we dip." - Yanni

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Whoa, look at Jim dance! Dance, Jim, Dance! Wow! Without even any pants!" - Aretha Franklin

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim, Jim, I Always Knew That You'd Win!" - Tiny Tim

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim, you fed me to TacoBaby when I was all filled with beans, and it was only the best moment of my life." - Taco

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"TacoBaby, I fed you a bean taco one day, and it was only the best moment of my life." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim, you fed me a bean taco one day, and it was only the best taco of my life." - TacoBaby

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I don't always drink, but when I do, I prefer Kool-Aid." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"This is John of Assbark sending my love to Jim of Cassmark." - John of Assbark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim made some Legos right out of my Eggos." - Bob Barker

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Ooooh I, I love the nightlife, I got to boogie, on the disco 'round, oh yea." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I did it all for the Jimmy, the Jimmy, so he could do the shimmy, and stick it in his Cass, stick it in his Cass, stick it in his Cass, stick it in that Cass." - Fred Durst

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim of Cassmark is the spitting embodiment of the artist we have all come to know as Cher." - Cher

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"If it works like a dream, it works like a Rheem." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Me Tigerlily, Jim Diaper Dilly." - Natalie Merchant

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Supdate: Sweet Mama Jim is busy writing some new Cassmark tuners, coming 2013! Also busy creating the ultimate Dolph Lundgren poster.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim, draw me a map to your heart. And to your stomach, so I can feed you, baby." - Rand McNally

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Manbrother Jim, quit being such a sassay Cassay." - Chris Gaines

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Chris Gaines." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Hey, Jim, you should hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes. Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes." - Paul Simon

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"My son, Jim of Cassmark, is cool." - Bill Bellamy

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Frankie Valli Jim dooba-dee doo da dave, doober dee doo don dane." - Traditional

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"My dad, Jim of Cassmark, is cool." - Justin Bieber

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim of Cassmark deserves all remaining cardboard picturettes of muah, please give any to him that you have, I thank you." - Honus Wagner

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim, at least remember.. This is you on a drab day, you in a drab dress." - Morrissey

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim of Cassmark, Anne of Green Gables; wait, aren't they the same person?" - Barry Manilow

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Unsuccessful names Jim went by before landing upon Cassmark: Sugar Ray, Mark McGrath, Shrinky Dinx, and The Floored Album”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“04/01/2008: "A Day in the Life.. of Jim.." - Alex Trebek's moustache re-appeared for half a segment of Jeopardy! Dude shaved it at halftime!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Happy April Fool's Day. Check your drawers, cause I might be pulling dem down for you!!" - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim dances under water the same way that I've imagined myself dancing on a cloud." - Ecco the Dolphin

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Wooooooohoooooooooo!!!!!!! I won da lottery!!!!! Wooooohoooooooooo!!!!!!! 2 billion! Yeaaaaahhhhhhh!!! My life is saved!!!!!!" - Geraldo Rivera

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"You know that Ron Harper would shake you in a game one-on-one. Oh Jim, you and your hoop dreams.." - Shit Jim's Cat says

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I doth hate quotes." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I'm on tonight, my hips don't lie. Baby, like this is perfecto." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jimma SoyBoy, ThunderWonder, WeepyPeepee, TinkyTaTa, Jabby Lala Falamala" - Tommy Bartlett

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“Cassmark: Jim nominated in the 2012 Grammy category 'Most like Cassmark'. Category won by group Savage Garden.”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Let us all remember that Jim's last name, minus the word 'angel', would be 'Fro'." - Pat Sajak (Host, Wheel of Fortune)

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Sigh, I'm just a guy that can fly birdee sky singy pie peter pie bunny eye." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never going to keep me down I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never going to keep me down" - Chumbawamba

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I am not available because I am playing a computer game that takes up the whole screen." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"My thimble does the Jimble Wimble." - Betty Crocker

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jimba, you must take your place in the circle of fifths." - Mufasa's spirit

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"A little bit of peppermint, a little bit of thyme, a whole lotta dancin' and some twists of lime; That is what Jim is made of." - unknown

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim, he's my little cupcake." - Jemima Puddleduck

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim gravy, baby." - Rod Stewart

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Who is a cantalouped cornucopia?" - One of Jim's wrong responses on Jeopardy

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim of Cassmark fed my dog some carrots, and now my dog is in love with Jim." - Manfred Mann

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"How did Jim befriend all of the birds on this planet? Birds love thems some Jim." - Kenny Rogers

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim of Cassmark, why, he ate my award-winning pickles with a smile on his face. Bless him." - Aunt Bee

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I don't care what time of night it is, that dog will want a taco." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

“News alert: Pictures of Jim's baby bump are being leaked on several websites!”

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"If I had a bobwhite in my left hand and a dodo bird in my right, then I would like my left hand more." - Jim of Cassmark

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"I love Jim." - Fred McGriff

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties

"Jim brought his guitar and played some strings, and then the birds flew down and landed on his shoulders." - David the Gnome

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties