Formed in late 2007 as Jenny G. and the Fuckin' Awesomes, the band that would become known as the All Rites were doomed to endure many an identity crisis on the lazy stroll to mediocre success that followed. Formed by Vietnam War veteran--known best for his role as DJ in the late-90s alternative-latin group "Oso y Mansana"--Tanner Aunan (bass), local news meteorologist Justyn Priest (guitars), and former-child star-turned-local-Mattress-Outlet-spokesperson Jenny Garofalojaneane (vocals, hard drugs), the band would struggle to find it's voice until acquiring drummer Brian Burke, of national fame for his "Sasquatch Under My Car" YouTube video sensation as well as a former affiliation with Dr. Niles Crane, a fictional television character.
Following the show that would later be known as "The Shit Storm," Jenny tragically overdosed on Methamphetamine and Zoloft, which was kind of okay because the remaining members of the group were tiring of her incessant soprano saxophone playing anyhow. Jenny was replaced postmortem by the "just all right" Jesi B., a nude model for PETA and former go-go dancer and back-up singer for 70's disco act "Funk Me Silly." With Jesi, the group finally had the line-up that would carry it--like a giant, vicious Pterodactyl--to local and regional fame as the "quintessential...Eastern Washington...blues [band]" (Local Farm and Feed Daily Gazette, 2010).
Although technically solid, the newly renamed Jesi H. Christ and the 13th Apostles still struggled with tone and genre, experimenting wildly--the famously unsuccessful "Everybody Git Naked!" shows failed to net significant followers, probably due to the number of wine bars the band was playing as well as their highly offensive and confusing name and vulgar on-stage persona (critics say they were probably drunk most of the time). The next several months saw the group evolve drastically in name and personality while performing chiefly in Spokane's red-light district, a haven for wiggers, riffraff, and horny weirdoes; more success, however, would only lead to unhealthy lifestyles for most of the band. During this time, Priest gained an astonishing 438 pounds, resulting in his having to be wheel-chaired on-stage for many early-2009 performances. The rest of the group staged an intervention, televised on public-access Channel 19, called "Whoa, Dude," in which Priest was confronted regarding his drastic weight-gain and received emergency stomach-stapling surgery. Weeks later, Burke rolled his 1982 Datsun 210 on a country road resulting in a violent, 180 mile-per-hour crash, putting the drummer out of commission for the remainder of the year. He admitted to police officials the reason for the crash being a deluded vision of a viscous Yetti in his passenger seat, stating he--unintentionally ironically--"just flipped, man." It was subsequently discovered the figure in the passenger seat was Burke's long-time girlfriend, Kate Phil(i)p(s), famed English hotel-bathroom water-color artist; Burke is not expected to have been intoxicated at the time of the crash. Although Aunan struggled throughout the year with Magic Marker addiction, it is not generally considered as important as the other two members' much more interesting break-downs.
Though the hiatus due to their drug-rehabilitation/hospitalization/weight-loss was much needed after many months of turbulent idiocy, the members of Jesi B. and the All Rites were reticent to discuss a reunion, though the members' disputes were settled when it was learned they stood to make a healthy shit-ton of money. In early 2010, the band reluctantly embarked on their tragically-named 14-day "Wife/Beeder" tour, occurring in conjunction with the political campaign tour for gubernatorial running mates John Wife and Joe Beeder. The tour was a pathetically short attempt to regain their once-well-regarded limited local recognition. Their equally poorly-named debut CD, "You're Black, Right?" was not received well in Indonesia--the only country in which it was released due to several communication and shipping errors. Mistranslations of most of the lyrics on the album resulted in severely insulting content; and almost every copy of the disc was to be publicly steam-rolled in a televised demonstration against anti-Indonesian music. Additionally, although the group thought it hilarious, the albums title really wasn't all that funny. The now-controversial group was inexplicably invited to perform at an event held by former president George W. Bush, which they declined, stating that, after the loss of their former lead singer, they would "rather not be exposed to drunken idiots ever again."
...to be concluded...
*The people and incidents portrayed in this biography are somewhat exaggerated, altered, misremembered, or otherwise entirely fictional or confused with the author's imagination. No relation to real persons or events is intended nor should be inferred.