INTRODUCING THE BEST EQUIPPED AND MOST WORLDLY ROCK n’ ROLL BAND IN THE UPPER-UPPER MIDWEST
(FLYOVER COUNTRY, Spring 2013) – At the crossroads of rock and roll and middle and age, The Ronnie Buxtons have taken CitySound by storm and bands down the hall have taken notice… of the fact that TRB have stolen their riffs and melodies. TRB have more sexy ex-bands between them than Liz Taylor and Liza Minnelli have ex-husbands COMBINED. At this point in their “careers,” they’re ready to do whatever it takes to sell 5 seconds of a song to Target©. They may see fit to play some shows too, if they can gravy train onto bills with established bands on Fridays or Saturdays.
The Ronnie Buxtons are (is?):
Steve Barone “Munchausen”—chief songwriter, lead vox, rhythmically-challenged guitar, and narcissistic raging
Steve paid his dues and earned his stripes by criss-crossing the Twin Cities with local icons (just ask the City Pages) Launcher Pusher. At a recent practice Steve expounded on his approach to songwriting just as the band was hoping to start playing music: “Bring it loud, and bring it hard. Give the people what they want, especially the chix.” Steve’s lyrics reflect a lifetime of brooding over personal pain, like the summer his heart was broken at the Jersey Shore by Whatsername.
Adam “Aural Cavity Search” Anderson—electric, acoustic, and 12 string guitars, electric viola, backing vox, ProTools, and headlocks
Adam’s wrestling buddies are already well familiar with his soaring solos inspired by both classical heavyweights like Paganini and Beethoven, and modern masters of jazz fusion like Chunk Loaf and Hosni Mustapha. Adam’s dedication to music is total, unless it’s a nice weekend to be at the cabin.
Billie “The Queen of Mean” Jeaneen—Is not your lover. Tough. Keyboards, accordion, backing vox, strings, and cat hair
Jeaneen isn’t (only) eye candy whose “multi-instrumentalism” is limited to smacking a tambourine on her butt and pounding one key on the Casio Rap-Master all set long, though she’s good at those things too. She’s Michelle Phillips and Mama Cass rolled into one. If you think that’s a fat joke, you’re a jerk.
Scott “I Don’t Fuckin’” Cook—Just bass
Between Steve’s dedication to traditionally Aryan winter endurance sports and Scott’s dexterous mastery of ancient Oriental Marshall Arts (skills that dovetail nicely with the demands of slappin’ and poppin’ a fretless bass), they’ll make a formidable team on the upcoming season of “Survivor—Seward.” Enemy combatants subsist on $9 Co-op Kohlrabi and debate the consequences of phallocentrism’s decay.
Misha (MEE-shaw) “No Mics Needed” Dashevsky—Drums, percussion, backing vox (but they won’t give him a mic), and self-abasing Jewish humor
Misha is The Ronnie Buxtons’ solid-as-steel backbone. He stays in gig-ready shape with isometric muscle and sphincter-tightening exercises that have kept soldiers hard in his native Russia for generations. Misha endorses Bash Master drumming gloves.
For booking information, contact Pitch Pipe Management at (612) 555-5555. Serious inquiries only. Please dial carefully; my neighbor’s number is different by only one digit.