"How To Quit The Internet In 9 Easy Steps", by Demond "P-Soup" Wilson, Ph.D
Current mood: scared
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

"How To Quit The Internet In 9 Easy Steps", by Demond "P-Soup" Wilson, Ph.D

FOREWARD:

"I'm pretty sure that you can understand why I have been like, completely freaking out. The INTERNET is an evil, evil beast."

As many of you know, your god-given freedom to express yourself is slowly but surely being taken away. You might not notice it at first, but the INTERNET has been recruiting DARK SIDED spies to spread its caustic seeds. Villagers all over the world are screaming "DANGER, FEAR, DANGER" and some of you have been listening quite intensely. Some of you have even decided to take a stand for yourself and fight the INTERNET face to face, one on one, without any protection or tactical/militarily-schooled skill set. This is a bad idea.

Quitting the INTERNET without a sound exit strategy affects everyone. Some of you have even gotten back online and rejoined the INTERNET just days after you quit the INTERNET. One by one, as you shamelessly quit the INTERNET, you slowly loosen the tight noose around its neck. You've just destabilized all the work that JESUS FIST has put in to protect the unsaved from the INTERNET. The inner core of the juggernaut called the INTERNET has just grown stronger and deadlier. Bandwidth is no longer an issue. You have just quit the INTERNET. You have also sped up the syrupy digestive juices of the INTERNET. Your poor choice has unfortunately, made the INTERNET stronger and deadlier than you could possibly ever imagine.

Therefore, my fellow Co-Pastor, the esteemed Wretched Reverend Ruiner Severhead and I have decided that we must take a stand and do something for our country, dominion, and coven. We have written an easy to follow maniFISTo that hopefully helps you quit the INTERNET and teaches you to hide yourself as appropriate. At this stage, we will release the written contract that all of us must endure if we truly wish to be saved from the INTERNET.

Here are the initial written steps that you can undertake on behalf of JESUS FIST. There will be a subsequent audio release called "The Jesus Fist Tapes" that addresses these quick and easy steps in more detail.

Step 1: "DANGER, FEAR, DANGER":
-Call as many close friends and family as you can and let them know that you are quitting the INTERNET. If you are an active member in a powerful online community, immediately notify them as well.

Step 2: "SEVERED":
-Go to your computer apparatus or wireless hand-held device and delete your cookies, cache, bookmarks, and contact list. You are slowly but surely becoming SEVERED from the INTERNET. Now, immediately disconnect your communicational devices from their blood ports (the basic electrical lifeline that the INTERNET takes souls from), but only after you have notified close friends and family that you are attempting to quit the INTERNET.

Step 3: "RIGHTEOUS DISCIPLINE":

-Borrow someone else's computer or wireless device so that you can keep a detailed account of the methodology that the INTERNET is utilizing to track you down and hold you accountable for speeding up its voracious appetite for unsaved souls. The INTERNET won't stop until it has inflicted righteous discipline on you (or, until you have rejoined and then successfully re-quit the INTERNET).

Step 4: "BOUND":

-The INTERNET knows ALL. You are BOUND to its services. It hunts down what tries to escape from its clutches. Did you delete your cookies, did you delete you cache, did you remember to delete your bookmarks and contact lists like we told you to? If not, your computer still remembers where you've been and where you are running to. It's still alive. Go back and follow Step 2. Quitting the INTERNET requires intense concentration and faith.

Step 5: "IN THE NAME OF…":

-At this step, you should keep your doors bolted shut, get down on your knees, and pray in HIS name. Even if you don't care what the INTERNET thinks about your desire to quit, it does. It has been suggested that all who try and flee the ruinous path of the INTERNET, go onward and "SHUT THEIR GODDAMNED MOUTH UP!" so that no one else gets accused of trying to escape the system.

Step 6: "TALIBAN FOR CHRIST":

-The INTERNET will trick you and telepathically force you to call upon fellow TALIBANS to act on your behalf, passionately advocating for your release from the will of the INTERNET. Without question, the insidiously wicked INTERNET wants you to place the rest of your coven in jeopardy. You must not succumb to this trick. You must not call upon others for assistance once you decide to fight the INTERNET by yourself. You must move to the mountains and hide.

Step 7: "CONJURER":

-Do not, under any circumstances try to contact the INTERNET, even if you truly believe that you have successfully disconnected from its blood ports. Don't try to get the INTERNET to act on your behalf by begging for the deletion of content, artwork, or images that barely resemble the 3 letters of CAMEL, Conjurer of Sickness, he who walks among the dead. It will not respond. It will not advocate for your salvation.

Step 8: "UNSAVED":

-What would you do if the INTERNET was successfully compromised by JESUS FIST? How would you respond if JESUS FIST dried up the blood ports of the INTERNET and saved you from yourself? The audio wisdom within W.R. Ruiner Severhead's "JESUS FIST TAPES" has saved many, many lives. Do not refuse their graciousness. Quickly reconnect to the blood ports, download these tapes, and quickly disconnect again. Hopefully, the INTERNET didn't notice that you stole from HIM.

Step 9: "GOD FIST AMERICA":

-You have failed in your attempt to successfully quit the INTERNET. The INTERNET and its web of spies has taken you hostage and convinced you that you'll never escape. The sickness is inside of you. It has been there all along, since birth. The Cult of the NINES marking is upon your forearm. There is black branded ink for all to see and shudder away from.

But fear not. Praise be to THEIR holiness. You will NEED to embrace the arising neo-church/state of Jesus Fist! This is a religious war and The FIST is the only answer for a nation paralyzed with fear. JESUS FIST of America is the way to be! We will fight for your salvation!